.Bitter Sweet.

Today we drove onto the campground for the very last time in the capacity of program director. We drove off the campground about six hours later, just another couple leaving camp.

But we aren't really just another couple leaving camp.

We are a couple who have gone through life change because of the way God has used that camp. We are a couple forever changed because of that camp. We are a very different couple than the one that drove onto that camp in the capacity of program director nearly six years ago.

And now it's over.

I'm still processing.

.Pretty, Pretty Pirate Princess .

As I mentioned earlier this week, Cadi had an eye appointment. We had been noticing some problems with her eyes. Sure enough she needs a prescription for some glasses. We picked out some cute {expensive} glasses, that she should be receiving soon.

I was a bit devastated that Cadi, at just four years old needs glasses. I have poor eyesight myself, and have always hated it. I was really hoping that Jim's perfect vision genes would be passed onto our daughter - nope. So we will make due, and I am sure the adjustment will be fine.

Not only does Cadi need glasses, but she also has to wear a patch for thirty minutes each day. {sigh} Her eyes drift a lot when she is tired and cross. Her left eye is especially bad, so wearing the patch over the right eye is supposed to strengthen her left. I thought we would be given a patch, but we weren't. So ashamedly I just figured I would throw on her eye a plastic pirate patch that Cadi had received as a favor from a birthday party.

However, I was chatting with my best friend on the phone soon after finding out about Cadi's vision problems, and she suggested I make a cute one from some felt she had and an elastic. What a great idea! So after spending the evening with her family last night I came home with some fun colored felt and elastic. I couldn't fall asleep last night {surprise}, so I started creating the patch in my head. I got to thinking that it would be better if I could create something that fit over her glasses rather than under and eliminate the elastic altogether, as I am sure that would not be comfortable. I searched online for a pattern, and I came up empty. However, I did see a few cute ideas, so I mixed and matched the ideas and created my own patch. It was so fun to be able to create and sew. This little project took about ten minutes, and I am really pleased with the result! We tried the patch over Cadi's sunglasses as well as my glasses. It fit on both, so I am hoping it fits on her glasses as well.



It's even lined! (Ignore the stitches. I like to sew, but am not good at it. At. All. Ha!)


I am thankful for the inspiration from my best friend, Bethany! Without her, poor Cadi would have been looking very Pirate-ish. Now we have a pretty, pretty pirate princess!

.Blog Hop - Photo Edits.

Monica over at Pixel Perfect is hosting a really fun blog hop today where we can show off an edit to a photo. Head over to her site to see all of the fabulous edits, and then join in yourself! Let me know if you join by leaving me a comment as well - I would love to see your edits.

I am still a newbie when it comes to editing, and at times I have a heavy hand. I am working to take better photos and therefore edit less. It is addicting to edit, though. I like the creative artistic side of it. I currently use Photoshop CS3 for my post-processing. I am not good enough at it to explain every step along the way. I stumble through each photo until I get it how I want it, but then have no idea what I just did! Here is a shot of Cadi that I have not shared yet from the group of shots that I shared here. It wasn't a great shot - not focused - so it's not sharp. Rather dull. However, with an edit it is salvageable. It's still not the best from the group I shot that day, though. {grin}

Unedited Photo:


Edited Photo:


I cropped this a little too much probably as the end result became a little soft. I tend to do that, and need to be more careful.

Cannot wait to see all of the other edits!

.Only Once.

I trudged up the stairs replaying the day's events in my mind, like I do most evenings. As my nightly routine would have it I walked into Cadi's dimly lit room first. I need this part of my day. A time to reflect on the kind of mommy I was to my children during their waking hours, a time to be still and pray over my children, to whisper sweet words into their ears. This can sometimes be the toughest portion of my day as my shortcomings are brought to mind - a grumpy word I spoke in haste, a wrong attitude as I cleaned up the thousandth crumb off of the floor. It can also be so sweet as I remember the giggles and squeals that filled my home and heart as we played on the living room floor. As I sometimes do, I snuggled right in next to Cadi, stroked her hair, prayed for her salvation, her safety, and for God to send her Prince Charming when the time is right -a man like her daddy who loves the Lord and loves her. A man who will have her best interest at heart, who will protect her and cherish her. I know this won't happen for years, but the time to start praying is now.



As I felt the curve of her little warm body against mine, I breathed in her soft, little girl scent - it's on her pillows, her blankets, her hair. It is one of the most soothing smells I have ever known. I slowly got up, as not to disturb my slumbering girl, and I kissed her smooth temple one last time. At the same time I felt an overwhelming thankfulness rise up inside of me for this sweet girl. So I leaned over the sleeping beauty once more and whispered into her ear "I love being your Mommy, Cadence."

Her eyes fluttered and she gave me a sleepy grin, the kind that melts every mommy's heart and replied "I love being your kid".

Then her beautiful mouth turned down at the corners and her big blue eyes turned soft and sad. "I hate to sleep Mommy." she whispered.

"Why is that?" I whispered back thoroughly confused.

"Because every time I wake up after I sleep I am a little older, and I want to be your kid forever."

"Oh sweet girl, you will always be my 'kid', my girl, my firstborn babe." I whispered choking on the sob that had crept into my throat. I held my baby in my arms and rocked her back and forth back and forth, breathing in her scent, memorizing the details of the moment.

She is right. It is happening too fast. She is so terribly right. One day I will awaken to a quiet house. Sure there will be no more crumbs on my floor to sweep up three times a day, no finger paint to scrub off of the island, no children's books to gather up after a long day, no baskets of laundry to wash, fold, and put away. But there will not be any sweet children to tuck in each night either, no evening to replay memories of our day together - coloring, giggling, and living side by side.

This is it.

My children only have one childhood - just one, and I only have one chance to mommy them through that childhood, to make it sunny and tender, to point their soft hearts to Jesus, to their Creator, to the One that loves them more than I could even dream of loving them.

When I awoke this morning, I had a new spring in my step, renewed purpose. We stayed in our jammies longer, colored slower, made bigger messes, snuggled deeper, and I savored each moment; for one day when I am old and wrinkled and my house is much too quiet and much too clean, I will long for those crumbs under my table, and the broken crayons in my carpet, and I will ponder that evening long ago when my little four year old daughter imparted to me wisdom beyond her four years.

Today I purposed to be the mommy God made me to be. My house is a little messier, my hair is not perfect, but my children, oh my children, how they were loved and cared for and prioritized today. Because I only have this once, this one chance, this one shot, and I want to give it my all.

James 4:14 Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.

.Takes My Breath Away.

.With No Intended Purpose.

I decided to free write today. If you are not familiar with free writing it is an exercise in which one writes whatever comes to mind for a predetermined amount of time and doesn't go back and read it or correct the grammar while writing. I used to love doing this in my journal. It emptied my head, as I basically spewed it all onto paper. Graphic, yes, but true. I have not done this in awhile, and I have certainly never done this on my blog. I was inspired by MckMama who has been writing several posts titled "stream of consciousness" lately. Basically they are free writing posts. I wanted to give it a try, so bare with me. Here I go. Time (5 minutes) starts now.

The rain kind of follows my mood today. Bleak. dreary. I am in a mood. Grumpy. I told Jim I needed a break today, and he gave me one. He taught school to Cadi. I felt guilty. Jim, unintentionally, made me feel guilty. He asked me "Isn't this life you always wanted?" Yes, it is, but Mommy still needs a break. I don't ask for them often. I drank my coffee, read my Bible, and wrote. Then I cleaned. I feel better - sort of.

I still don't have window treatments on my kitchen windows. Why? The fabric is right here in the kitchen - sitting on my dryer. I cannot get motivated to sew them. I think it is because I think I do not have enough fabric. That stinks. It will really stink if I start sewing them and run out of fabric.

My Christmas decor is still up. Oh my word. This is the longest I have kept it up. My mom's is still up too. She has a real tree even. I can remember the tree being up at Valentine's day when I was a girl. Mom denies that, though.

I don't want to run today. I ate way too many homemade wheat thins for lunch. I am in the middle of my period and feeling it - bleck. Jim kept dreaming I was pregnant this past week. I'm not. No, we were not trying. I am trying to get down to 110-115 pounds before trying for another. Is that selfish? Is that self-absorbed? I probably won't get there anyway. Not if I keep eating homemade crackers anyway! Ha!

We take Cadi to the eye doctor's this afternoon. I have noticed her holding her books really close to her face when reading. And she puts her head close to her papers when coloring and writing. I really hope she does not need glasses. If she does I hope we can get her a really cute, trendy pair. Wow, I am sounding shallow today.

This week is Jim's last paycheck for camp. We will go the entire month of February with no pay. I am scared and excited. I wonder how God will provide? I know He will.

Mmm, I really wish I could have just one piece of coffee cake, but then I would have to run an extra mile. It's good coffee cake, but not that good!

Times up. That went by really fast. I could have written for another five or ten minutes! You should give it a try. Write a post with no intended purpose. If you do, leave me a comment letting me know that you did. I would love to read it!

Have a blessed day!

.God Alone.

We are rejoicing today as it has been made official that Jim is a candidate for an associate pastor position at our home church.

Only God alone could have orchestrated this.

And while we do not know ultimately how this ends; we have high hopes.

We know that right now - in the midst of this uncertainty and even excitement- God is on His throne, and He is God alone.

No matter what that does not change, and He cannot change.

And no matter what we continue to sit safely and securely in the palms of His hands.

The song you hear playing on my blog has been used by God tremendously during this time of uncertainty in our life. Jim has played it over and over on his guitar and we have both audibly and in our hearts sang these words to our God. Sometimes with uncertainty and timidity but always with hope and assurance that those words are truth. I pray that this song will encourage you today in whatever circumstance God has you in. Let the words wash over you and allow the truth to penetrate your heart. We serve an amazing God.

(Scroll down and pause my playlist before watching the music video.)




Psalm 86:10 "For you are great and do wondrous things; you alone are God."

Thank you for your prayers and for continuing to walk this journey with us.

.Some days.

Some days - Saturdays in particular, when Jim is away and the house is clean I take out my camera and play.

The photos are not technical.



The lighting is not "right".

There was no thought of composition.



But to Mommy, they are beautiful,

priceless,

and cherished.



Looking through my lens, I am able to study and marvel over my childrens' details -

their hair,

their eyes,

the curve of their cheeks - and how they resemble their Daddy and I.




And in the process of being silly for the camera, for each other, I have created.



Created a memory, and now it is captured to cherish.

I love that.

What simple ways do you make and cherish memories with your children?

.Sleepy.

I have a lot on my mind - in my heart. I have some exciting things to share, but I just cannot quite yet. These are the strangest days of my life thus far. I didn't say hardest - those were the days Cadi was in the NICU, but definitely these are the strangest. God is doing such big things in our heart and life, and I am having trouble articulating them - here, on paper, out loud.


(Cadi about nine months - looks like Scotty, huh?!)

I haven't slept well in months, literally months. It's wearing me out, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I lay in bed for hours at night and just pray for sleep to come. I am exhausted, and yet I cannot sleep. I don't feel as if I am going to bed worrying. I have entrusted this phase of our life over to God and surrendered it over and over again. I feel {mostly} at peace, but yet I cannot sleep. When I do finally fall asleep, it is not restful, and I wake easily. The past two nights I have awoken completely panic stricken from nightmares. (And the nightmares have absolutely nothing to do with our current situation - they have just been completely random!) I feel exhausted in the morning, but it is easy to get out of bed, because I know I cannot sleep anyway. Although the other morning when Jim left to milk cows at four in the morning (he milks at our best friends' barn one morning a week and in exchange we get the yummiest raw milk ever) I did try to go back to sleep, instead I laid in bed for the next two and a half hours completely frustrated.

The lack of sleep has made me shorter with my children and with my husband, and I do not like that. I have little patience, little energy, little ambition. I am not a good mommy, good wife, good friend right now. The lack of sleep has made me so tired during the day that I have been drinking way too much coffee and consuming way too many calories, in an effort to feel awake. Thankfully the past two weeks, I have reigned in the calorie consumption and gotten into a good running rhythm again. I thought the running might help me sleep, too, but nope, not one bit.

I'm at a loss. I walk around in a fog, so tired with a dull headache most days. I don't want to go anywhere or see anybody because the thought makes me even more exhausted. I know I just need to continually give this over to God. I am also looking for some natural remedies. My mom has insomnia problems and swears by warm milk and a banana right before bed. Jim laughed about that and said that there was nothing like consuming half your days calories right before bed! Ha! I haven't tried either yet, but I am almost to that point. Do you have any ideas that might help me? Have you ever struggled with this? I know God is using this to draw me closer to Himself, and in ways it is working. He has brought to mind a lot of different people for me to pray for as I try to fall asleep each night. But I would really like a break, and some sleep. Tonight. Please.

"But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed"

.Homemade Wheat Thins.

I made these last week with my Cadi-Bug. They are so scrumptious! We ate two batches in a week, and I am tempted to make more tonight, if I weren't so tired that is. I will definitely be making these tomorrow! I think the sugar could be cut back a bit, but the recipe does have the same sweetness as a store bought wheat thin, so if you like that keep the full amount of sugar. My husband laughed at me, because I exclaimed over the rusticness of these crackers. They just looks so earthy, so homey! {grin}

Homemade Wheat Thins

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups flour (all-purpose)
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 tsp salt
2 Tbsp butter (at room temperature)
2/3 cup milk
salt (or other dried herbs and seasoning) for sprinkling

Method:

1. in a large bowl, combine the flours, sugar and salt. cut in the butter and mix until you have a coarse meal.

2. slowly blend in the milk just until you have a dough that will hold together. divide the dough into 2 pieces for rolling.

3. roll the dough out on a floured surface to about 1/8 inch thickness. sprinkle with salt and roll over lightly with the rolling pin again. cut the dough into 2×2 inch squares. poke each square several times with a fork.

4. transfer squares to an ungreased baking sheet and bake at 325 F for 20-25 minutes, until crackers are golden brown.


Variation:

Grate 1/4 to 1/2 onion into the dough, add some parsley and dill weed.

I made one batch of the regular recipe, then I came up with the above variation. I really, really loved the onion-y one, especially with a sliver of sharp cheese! I will definitely cut back the sugar on the onion-y batch next time. I think these would be good with some cheese added to the dough and then some Parmesan cheese rolled on the top. I am sure you can think of a ton of variations, and I would love to hear what you come up with! For a printable recipe please click here.

I had some photos of my Cadi to share, while we made these together, but my computer is throwing fits tonight. {sigh} Maybe I will try to add them on later.

I am on the look out for other recipes similar to this one. I would especially love a Triscuit type recipe. I haven't found one yet, though! Do you have a favorite cracker or cracker recipe?

.The Influence of a Mommy.

I have been thinking of that a lot lately.

The influence of a mommy.

I am by no means qualified to write a post like this today, nor any day, really.

Today I

lost my patience, grumbled in my heart about crumbs on the floor, and a very untidy living room,

used my grumpy voice - more than one day should allow, cuddled too little,

lost perspective, forgot to be in the moment, wasn't purposeful when I needed to be,

was short, was tired, was too little too much of the day.



And you know what? God was still merciful and gracious and let me end the day sitting on my messy living room floor, with my four year old snuggled under my arm and my one year old standing on my lap gently patting my cheek. In that small, short moment, I was able to regain some of the perspective that I had lost earlier in the day. And tonight, while Jim is at a deacon's meeting, a meeting that could possibly shape much of our future, and I sit in my still quiet home, with a now clean living room, and two sleeping, beautiful children, I am reminded about the influence of a mommy. I needed for God to remind me of this tonight.

I believe that the influence a woman has on her family is extraordinary. Some days I forget about that influence. The influence can either be for good, or it can be for bad. Sadly, there are moments, even days, when I weaken my family because of my selfish sin nature, my pride, my carelessness. But imagine the positive, godly influence that a mommy can have not only on her family, but on the world! A woman after all is the one who makes a house a home through her godly influence.

As I sit here in the solitude of my cozy home and reflect on being a woman and the influence I have on my family - my children, I am reminded of Timothy. It was Timothy's mom and his grandma that influenced his life for God through their influence as Christian homemakers. Timothy got his faith from his mom and she got her faith from her mom. Have you ever stopped to think about the fact that there was no mention of a dad or a grandpa in Timothy's home? I am not trying to claim that faith is inherited, but I do believe with all of my heart that it can be passed from one generation to the next by the godly influence of parents - of a mom. I believe that the influence a mommy has on her children concerning the things of the Lord can make all the difference as to what kind of persons our children will become.

One of the greatest, the best gifts that I can ever give my children is to be a godly mommy. What a priceless and hard gift to give! A godly mommy is one with genuine faith. It doesn't mean that the mommy is perfect, but it means that mommy's faith is real. It is not a mask that she puts on Sunday morning; it is not phony. Phony faith cannot be passed on to our children, nor do we want it to be! As Timothy’s mother can you imagine if her faith had all just been an act? How long do you think it would have taken for Timothy to notice that his mother’s faith wasn’t real?

I think it is so important for my children to see me reading my Bible, and for me to read them the Bible. We are huge fans of the Jesus Storybook Bible in our home. As a mommy, I need to be daily in God's word. I cannot impart to my children what I do not possess! My children need to see the evidence of my love for His Word.

Think about the influence that we moms can have on our children if our faith is real! The primary responsibility for the education of our children lies with the parents. People often ask why Jim and I decided to home school our children. This is the majority of why. We see this time in our lives as a very special opportunity to shape and mold their young, soft hearts in the things of the Lord. In mere years - moments really- my sweet children will be all grown. They will leave our home and enter into the big world on their own, and we want them to be well equipped in the things of the Lord and fully prepared for His service.



I am speaking to myself tonight. I have no one targeted as I type. God has just been convicting me once again in this area. I want to be the kind of mom that builds up and strengthens my family. The kind of mom that makes sacrifices to ensure the stability of my family. I want to leave a blueprint for my children, a blueprint for all of those that are watching. This time is too short, too fleeting, it is but mere moments. I only get one chance to be the mommy that God desires me to be. There is no time for grumpy words, grumbling spirits, missed opportunities. There is no time to worry about a messy living room, not when two beautiful children stand before me, waiting for me to mold them to shape them to love them the way God intended this mommy to live.
Proverbs 14:1 "The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down."

.Quickie.

I just got back from what is most likely my last camp retreat.

Weird.

I am tired, but I very quickly wanted to share an awesome, low calorie and semi healthy oatmeal raisin cookie recipe that I stumbled upon last week.

Click here to see the recipe.

Now, if you know me at all, you know I have trouble leaving recipes alone. I always think I can tweak them to make them better. I guess I take after my mom in that way. I was really, really tempted to add some spices in - at least some cinnamon, but I resisted. I figured if this recipe was good enough for a Paris chef it would be good enough for this stay-at-home mommy/house wife! I will admit that I did add in 2 T flax seed meal.

The recipe made 24 cookies for me, and at 74 calories a piece - I was pretty pleased.

They were YUMMY!! Give them a try. {grin}

.Our Faith Story Continued.

I need to continue our story. God keeps prodding me. I think He wants me to see clearly how in the past He was there in uncertain times, and this time is no different. How easily I forget. This has been a rough week for me. I have been battling a lot of fear and doubt and even anger. I have confessed it to God and to my husband. It's still a battle and a constant need for surrender on my part.

For new readers, my husband and I have been led out of our current ministry at a Christian childrens' camp, and into pursuing a pastorate. Jim was the Program Director of the camp, and we have been with them for over five years. This is a huge step of faith for us, as Jim's last day at camp is January 31st, and we have absolutely nothing that is certain for us to jump into after his position at camp ends.

If you are interested in catching up on our story click on the following links:
Once Upon A Time
Our Total Money Makeover
I Don't know how the Story Ends
At This Point in Time
Letting it All Hang Out

.....Here we were two Bible college graduates. One lacking a heart for people, and one being too concerned about what others might think to take the time and effort to truly care about people, and we thought we were ready for ministry.

God had other plans and other chapters to write. Our story had just begun.

We got married the summer before Jim's senior year of college. Jim worked two jobs and went to school. He worked as a truck loader at UPS, and then in the call center for a running company. I also worked in the call center of the running company until January, when I was hired to take over teaching a second grade class in a small Christian school. The former teacher was leaving to have her baby. I hated most every minute of working at the running company. For one thing I hate talking on the phone. Partly because I have a very little voice that sounds young. (I get phone calls from telemarketers asking to speak to my mommy!) So I would feel dumb answering the phone for a company and having the customers think I was 12 or something. I am not confrontational, and I hated the really nasty, mean customers - they gave me belly aches. Plus (at the time) I did not know anything about running! I liked some of the people I worked with, though. Some of them were a bit "rough around the edges", but they all liked me for reasons beyond me. I can see clearly now how God used this short time to help me to learn how to develop relationships with people very different from myself. However, needless to say, I was much happier when I was finished with that job and got into a classroom.

Jim, although he didn't love the job either, excelled, and quickly moved up to a catalog manager. He was able to leave UPS and solely work at the running company. He even learned a little bit from the web design guy about website building and designing, and enjoyed playing with what he learned in his free time. We would shortly see this as the hand of God in Jim's life, even though we had no idea at the time. During the two years that we were there (we stuck around one more year after Jim graduated) we also attended the church associated with the school I worked at. We really loved it at first. We loved the young married couples Sunday School class and small group. We learned so much through it. After about a year of attending we were approached to take on some leadership positions within the Sunday School class and the small groups. We were excited. This would be our first ministry as husband and wife! However, after only a few months involved in leadership things went sour. I am not here to condemn the church or the ministry, and still value many of the things we gained, so I will not go into details. We were hurt, though, and quickly stepped out of leadership. We even struggled with attending church for a bit. We knew this was wrong, and we sought God's guidance as to what to do. Technically, we were required to attend that church since I taught at the school there, but we were able to work around that with the school board.

One day while speaking with Jim's Mom on the phone, we learned of a home church that was just starting up about 45 minutes from where we were living. They were looking for a interim type pastor. Jim and I were intrigued. We met with the founders and fell in love with the sweet older couple, and the feeling was mutual. They had turned a garage on their property into a little church building. We were invited to join them on Sundays, and after attending a few weeks, Jim was invited to preach. This church was like nothing we have ever been a part of before. It was small for one thing - only a handful of families, but it was so authentic and the people were so loving and kind and welcoming. Jim and another college guy were chosen to rotate Sundays preaching. Jim gained excellent experience preparing and preaching sermons, and being completely involved in "doing" church. He was starting to see the pastorate as more than just preaching, but rather as the relational "thing" that God intended it to be. While we loved this little church and the people of that church dearly, we also longed to move closer to family.

By now Jim really was not enjoying his job at the running store, the politics had gotten bad, and some very questionable things were going on in the management - which was run by Christians. Plus we just had such a burden to jump into ministry. We didn't think we were ready for the pastorate yet, though. Through praying about this desire, God brought to mind that Christian camp that we had both worked at and met at. We learned of an internship position opening, and we jumped on it. This meant we could move closer to our families! After applying for the position and accepting the position, Jim told the owner of the running store that he would be leaving in three months to pursue ministry. The owner congratulated Jim and assured him that he could work up until the day he needed to move. We were so relieved that God was allowing everything to work out!

Some time later, Jim got called in for a meeting and was told that the company was going through a financial crisis, and that he was being laid off. We were devastated; especially after having the owner's word. We could not pay our bills based on my salary as a Christian school teacher alone, and who would hire Jim for just three months?

What was ahead could only have been orchestrated by the hand of God. Looking back His fingerprints are all over this story, and I cannot believe I ever doubted Him. Yet here I sit today having to push many of the same doubts out of my mind. Oh, how quickly I forget.

More to come.

.Letting it All Hang Out.

Not really a good day.

Just being honest.

Battling a lot of fear today. Fear of the unknown.

Just wanting an answer for our lives. Just wanting to know, will we be packing up our home? Will we be moving? Should I just wait to put away the Christmas decor, and do it with the other packing if we do move??

I don't feel like relying on God, on waiting for His time. I want answers, now.

Trying to be strong and positive,

for my husband,

my children,

my friends,

my parents (my mom came crying through the door this morning saying she could not even imagine us moving away {gulp}).

I don't feel like being positive, encouraging, or faithful today. I want to curl up in bed with the covers pulled tightly over my head and cry like a baby.

As worried and anxious as I am, I HATE, HATE, HATE seeing those I love worried or anxious.

I can NOT handle this today.

I can not, not, not.

BUT HE can, He will carry me through today and the next and the next.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." I Peter 5:7

Drying my eyes, picking my chin up, and laying this at His feet. Again.

.The Mother I am Today.

Liz tagged me for this special meme a few days ago. I am to share five experiences that have shaped me into the mother I am today, and tag five moms I admire. I have really given this some thought and enjoyed thinking through and reflecting on my mommyhood path.



1. I am the mother I am today because of all of those hours and moments as a young girl dreaming of one day being a mommy. Can any of you women relate? I can recall spending whole days as a little girl carrying around my real baby doll, changing her diapers, her clothes, pretending to bathe her, feed her, put her to bed. I had other dolls too, including a few beloved cabbage patch kids. I would try to play with them all equally so as not to hurt any feelings. From the time I was a very young girl, I had an innate desire to be a mommy, to care for and mother a baby and children. I carried that with me into my adulthood, and even decided to pursue an education degree so that I could work with children. There are times I enjoy being around children so much more than being around adults!



2. My parents definitely helped shape me into the mother I am today. I learned a lot about parenting by being a product of their parenting and watching them with my younger sister and brother. They were not perfect and would not claim to be, but they love Jesus and they shared that love with us. And today I pass that love down to my children. My dad was and is a very busy certified public accountant. We saw little of him in the winter months, but he always made sure to make up for that lost time by taking us all on a family vacation after tax season closed each year. He prioritized us the best way he could. I try very hard to prioritize my children and our family as a whole, because of this example. My mom was the epitome of a stay-at-home mom. We almost always had fresh, warm cookies waiting for us out of the oven upon coming home from school. The house was always neat and tidy, and she tried very hard to make things special for us. Birthdays were a huge deal and celebrated extremely. She is an excellent hostess and makes elaborate meals. I have carried a lot of what she did in her home into my home and into my own mothering.



3. I think one of the biggest events that shaped me into the mother I am today was Cadi's birth. To make a long story short, my labor and her delivery were very traumatic. I still am emotional thinking about it today, and it is one of the biggest reasons we did not choose to get pregnant right away after having Cadi. After a grueling three day labor, Cadi was born with her umbilical cord squeezed tightly twice around her neck. I will never forget the look of her limp bluish black body being passed over my head, and I will never forget the cries of desperation my husband and I prayed aloud to God to save our first born. After several grueling moments, she was revived (by Jim's mom - this really is a long complicated story - maybe someday I will share it in its entirety here). Because of how much work had to be done to resuscitate her, she developed a pneumothorax - a popped lung. After Cadi was revived, I was literally given maybe thirty seconds to hold her in my arms, then she was whisked away to a NICU in another hospital, while I was left to recover. It's painful still for me to think about missing the moment I had dreamed of as a new mommy - that of my firstborn being placed on my chest and hearing for the first time your own child's healthy cry. When she finally did cry that evening - it was anything but healthy sounding; it sounded other worldly. I can still hear it when I think of that moment. I don't write this for you to feel pity for me though; I am getting off track. God had such a purpose in this! Cadi's lung healed itself - only because of God's mercy and grace - and we only spent a week in the NICU. Because of that experience, I got the amazing privilege to enter into motherhood with the realization of how fleeting and tender these moments are. It has infiltrated every aspect of mommyhood for me. I really do not take one day for granted with my children, and am so thankful that God chose to give me two beautiful, healthy children. I am sure even had I not experienced that, I would still love my children, but I am not sure if I would see motherhood and the true blessing of my children the way God needed me to see it. I feel very privileged that God blessed me by allowing and choosing for me to enter my journey of mommyhood in such a life-changing eye-opening way.



4. I am the mother I am today, because of reading. I have read so many parenting, mothering, home making, wifery books. I don't agree with all of them all of the time, but God has used them in various ways to mold me into the mom He desires for me to be. Of course the best handbook for parenting is the Bible, and through His word, God continues to point out areas in my mothering that are lacking. With His help, I continue being refined and press toward the goal He has set before me.



5. I am the mother I am today ONLY because of God, because of His saving work on the cross, because of his redemptive work in my heart and life, and because of the example He gave of true parent love. It's all because of Him....

I don't mean to break this meme, but I really enjoyed thinking through and reflecting on this post, and I wanted to give all of my readers an opportunity to participate if they choose. If you do decide to participate, please come back and let us know in the comments, so that we can read yours, and feel free to pass the meme along. {grin}

.Because You Asked - Homeschooling Part Two.

Here is the second part of "Because you asked" - home school addition. Thanks for the great questions! My inbox was inundated! {grin} To see part one click here.

1.What materials are you using in your home school with your 4 year old?

This year I am using Hands on Homeschooling. I really struggled to know what to use our first year. I chose this curriculum because it was so hands on and involved cooking and chores and a lot of movement type activities. It was perfect for Cadi from September to about November. Lately I have been noticing that she has kind of surpassed the curriculum. The activities seem to be below her, but she still seems to enjoy them. I just feel as if she is not being challenged as much as she was in the beginning. I still use most of the activities and the lessons, but I am adding stuff as well. I also purchased the Idea Book that went along with this curriculum. The Idea Book has been amazing. It is well worth the money. I really like it because it is not age specific, and I will be able to use the ideas for years with Cadi and Scotty. I completely recommend that book, even if you are not going to home school. It has wonderful, creative ideas and activities to do with your children, plus practical ideas for moms. I also use Abeka K4 Phonics. I am very familiar with Abeka, and while I do not agree with nor use all of the worksheets (busy work in my mind), I think their methodology is spot-on and works! Cadi has just started reading three letter words with short vowels, and that blows my mind! I use the bare bones of Abeka, and then we do our own fun stuff with the curriculum. Cadi loves it and so do I. We have really majored on the phonics lately. Reading is so very important to me, and I really want my children to have an excellent foundation and to truly love reading. I plan to continue with Abeka until second grade,and then reevaluate from there. I am NOT a fan of their {boring} basal readers, and I do plan on incorporating real books when the time comes. Our library is a wonderful resource. I am looking into Five in a Row for next year. It is a unit study that is literature based. The basic concept is that each week, the student will study a book - usually a classic, and all subjects revolve around that book - even Bible and their memory verse! My best friend shared it with me, and I am beyond excited to research it out. From what I have looked at so far, I am in love. Like I said I will continue Abeka next year, and I will start Saxon Math with Cadi.



2. How do you stay organized? I am not an organized person, and feel as if I would be doing my children a huge injustice if I tried to home school them.

Let me just say that I am not an organized person either. No - my house is not a mess, but if you look in my closets and cupboards their is little to no order. I was not created with an organized mind, I thrive on organization and long for it, and am good at keeping something organized, I just cannot figure out how to do it most of the time. All that to say, organizing is a big key to home schooling, though. I was nervous about this, and I prayed about it before starting. My best friend, Bethany, whether she knows it or not was hugely instrumental to my success in organizing school. She was created with an organizing mind. I truly believe it is a spiritual gift even. One piece of advice she gave me was storage containers - baskets, bins, containers, etc. I took this to heart and spent a whole day organizing top to bottom.


This is our homeschooling base. Almost everything is kept here and handy for when I need it. This dresser was getting thrown out and just given to us, I like the rustic-ness of it in my living room.


Here is a peek inside of one of the drawers. (These photos were from this fall.)

We also have a cupboard organized with home school stuff.


On the weekends, I organize everything I need for the coming week. I make any manipulatives/ visual aids/ games that I will need on the weekend as well. I use a system similar to what I used when I taught school. I have five filed folders labeled Monday - Friday, I put the corresponding lesson plans, activities, stickers, books,cards, etc in each folder. I put other supplies I might need (cotton balls, paper bags etc.) in a crate. That way everything is all set for me, and I just have to pull it out for that day. This has worked well for me.

I think the biggest thing is to find what works for you and be committed to sticking to it, yet at the same time if it isn't working try something else, until you find your system.

3. My husband is not on board with homeschooling, but I feel God tugging at my heart.

Oh, this is a toughy. Definitely be bathing this situation in prayer. I fortunately was blessed and my husband and I came to the decision to home school at the same time. As Christian women, we definitely need to be submissive to our husbands, but at the same time I think it is fine and good to have a conversation with him telling him exactly why you feel led to home school - try to have a non-emotional conversation. Then after that, it is something that will really need to be left in God's hands. If home schooling is really what God has in His plans for your family, He will change your husbands heart, and if not, He will change your heart.

4. Do you worry about your children not getting enough socialization?

No, I really don't. My children attend church with us each week. Cadi is involved in the mid week children's program at church as well. Both of my children are exposed to other children on a regular basis. Cadi has NO problems with socialization, lol. She could carry on a conversation with a tree. Scotty seems to have a much shyer personality than Cadi, and we will just need to give him opportunity to grow and develop his social skills. I definitely do not think that has to happen at a formal school.

5. What do your parents and your husband's parents think about home schooling? I know our parents would disapprove!

Jim's parents are very supportive. They home schooled their children through most of their formative education. They did things a bit differently than we do, but at the same time have offered us nothing but their support. Honestly, I was nervous about what my parents would think. I was reluctant to tell them, and actually it was not until just recently that they knew of our plans to continue homeschooling past these first few years. My parents are very supportive of our local Christian school, but they have been extremely supportive of our decision as well. They may not completely understand, but nonetheless they support us.

6. Isn't home schooling a huge expense?

Just like anything in life that you value, home schooling is an investment. Our first year has not been too expensive, but then again, we are just starting off. I think, like anything else, it has to be budgeted for. If it is something that God is leading you to do, you will be committed to making it work, and God will bless that.

7. What does a typical day look like? When do you clean your house? Do you have any free time?

A typical day (not everyday, though!) looks like this:
6:30 - Quiet time and prayer with Jim
7:00 - Children up, everyone dressed
7:30 - Family Breakfast
8:00 - Children play, I start laundry and a little housework. Some days I catch up on reading blogs with my cup of coffee {wink}
9:00 - 11:30ish - Scotty naps and Cadi and I do school
11:30-12:30 - a little more housework
12:30 - lunch
1:00-2:00 ish - I play with my children and we read stories
2:00 - 4:00 ish - (some days this happens a bit earlier) the children nap, I exercise, finish housework, and have my free time
4:00-5:00 - Cadi wathes one show, I prep and make dinner, Scotty usually plays in the kitchen at my feet
5:30 or 6:00ish - Family Dinner
6:00-7:00 Family time - play, bath, devos
7:00 - children in bed
7:00 on - is time with my husband



If you still have more questions - feel free to ask - either in comments or in my email. If I only get a few, I will respond individually. If I have enough to do another post, I will. Thanks for making this so fun!

.Tag, I'm It.

My bloggy friend Ramee tagged me to share seven things about myself, and then to pass it on to seven other people. So here it goes....

1. I don't like to drive. I live in a little hick-town and can manage to drive around here, but anything more than that sends me into a state of panic. Literally. My whole body tenses so much that when I am finished driving my shoulders ache. I had to drive "into the city" a few times alone for OB appointments when pregnant with Scotty. I always got to the doctor's office, a sweaty, panicky mess with elevated blood pressure! It is a big fear that I really hope to get over someday soon.

2. I cannot sing to save my life, and it is torture. I love music and all things musical, and feel trapped in this non-singing body!

3. I have gained ten pounds since moving home from camp this summer. And it shows. A lot of it is do to the stress surrounding our life right now. A lot of it is do to laziness and a lack of discipline that I allowed to creep in. My treadmill is going to get a beating today while the children nap. Really. Hold me to it.

4. I thought I was pregnant over Thanksgiving. I wasn't and am not. I am still a little sad, but I realize that it is probably for the best with so much of our life up-in-the-air.

5. Sometimes right before I go to bed at night, when I check on and pray over the children, I sneak Scotty out of his crib and hold him close. He snuggles into my neck, and I breathe in his scent and memorize those moments. I know they are fleeting, and want to cherish them. Fortunately when I lay him back down he goes right back to sleep. No harm done, right?!

6. I wish Jim and I had not gone on a honeymoon. The whole time we were gone, all I wanted to do was settle in our home and life together, and see what it felt like to live normally as husband and wife. Now that we have been married almost eight years, I want to see what it would be like to escape normal life and enjoy a honeymoon!

7. I used to care a lot about what people thought of me. I am working on that with God's help. That is part of the reason I decided to pierce my nose this summer. Not as a rebellion thing - goodness knows I am waaay too old for that, but it was a way to put what I am learning to practice. I know kind of a weird way, but it's the truth.

Wow, I feel like maybe I was a little too honest with some of these! Eek, but I am trying to be more authentic,so I will publish this. But first the seven people I pass this along to are
1. My sis.
2. Bethany
3. Gina
4. Carrie
5. Jenn
6. Joy
7. Liz

Have fun ladies! And if I didn't tag you why don't you share some things here in my comments? I would love to read them! {grin}

.Boys to Men.

How do parents raise a boy to be a man?



Not just a man, but a godly man. A man after God's own heart. A man who is a biblical leader in his home and his world. A man who loves his wife and prioritizes his family. A sensitive but tough man. A man with good work ethics and a man that knows how to relax.

I have been pondering questions like this for awhile now.

And I do not have the answers.

I have been a mommy to a little boy for just seventeen months. He is the joy of my heart. There is something so very special about my little Scotty. He had me the first time I laid eyes on his sonogram picture - the one labeled "boy!". For as long as I can remember I had always wanted a boy of my own, but now that I have one, I feel so very....



inadequate.

What a huge responsibility God has given me to be the mother of a BOY. Oh, I know it really is not any more serious than being a mother to a girl, but it is much more intimidating to me. I feel as if my chances of messing up are greater, and that the stakes are higher with Scotty. I am raising him to be a man - to be a provider and a leader to his family. To be an example of His heavenly Father to his children and an example of Christ to his bride. Heavy stuff.



I don't know too much about boys. I have one sister and one brother, but my brother is eight years behind me. He was just a child when I went away to college. I am married to a man who was once a boy, so I have that, too. {grin} But really beyond that I am just learning as I go, I suppose.

How does a mommy, this mommy specifically, not smother her sweet boy? How do I hold on just the right amount?

Scotty is sensitive and tender and timid. I was talking to my sister about this recently. I told her that even in my womb, Scotty was more tender. His kicks and rolls were gentler. Scotty is much snugglier than Cadi was, much needier, too. He loves to be held. I should have made him a sling baby. I missed out, because I was too busy worrying about getting him on a schedule and training him. He is a beautifully sleep trained and scheduled baby, but what I wouldn't give for a few moments of his little infant body snuggled and slung into mine. (I've got to remember that for the next one!) I coddle Scotty more than I did Cadi. He has much more of my introverted personality than Cadi has. Cadi takes more after her daddy. So I feel for Scotty. I can empathize with him when he is surrounded by people and overwhelmed.



Scotty doesn't need as much discipline at 17 months as Cadi did at 17 months. Usually just a sharp look and a stern "no" melts my chubby boy into a puddle of lip trembling tears. When Scotty is home alone with us, he is a clown! A different part of his personality comes through. He performs and is silly nearly bringing tears to our eyes as we laugh at his antics, and the more we laugh the funnier he gets! He is cheerful and sweet and loving.

I certainly do not want to change his sweet personality. I just want to be very careful how we raise this boy. I want him to be brave and courageous and not overcome with timidity and fear. I want to allow him to be cautious but not fearful, to be sensitive and loving but not a sissy.

I am just not sure how to do this. Where do I pull the apron strings in more, and where do I gently cut them away? I know prayer is a big factor. I pray over both of my children every night, as I check them one last time before I fall into bed. I pray for their future spouses, for their safety, and most of all for their salvation. I pray for Jim and I as parents to these precious children, that we would have wisdom, discernment, selfless love, and grace.

But beyond that, what is the secret to raising up boys into men? What is your experience?

.I ♥ Faces.

I heart faces is celebrating their one year birthday this week. The photo challenge is a close-up on a face. The photo had to be recent (taken either in December or January) and had to focus on a face.

I took this photo during a December shoot, and I immediately fell in love with it.



Check out all of the great entries, and enter a photo yourself!