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Thursday, January 21, 2010

.Sleepy.

I have a lot on my mind - in my heart. I have some exciting things to share, but I just cannot quite yet. These are the strangest days of my life thus far. I didn't say hardest - those were the days Cadi was in the NICU, but definitely these are the strangest. God is doing such big things in our heart and life, and I am having trouble articulating them - here, on paper, out loud.

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(Cadi about nine months - looks like Scotty, huh?!)

I haven't slept well in months, literally months. It's wearing me out, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I lay in bed for hours at night and just pray for sleep to come. I am exhausted, and yet I cannot sleep. I don't feel as if I am going to bed worrying. I have entrusted this phase of our life over to God and surrendered it over and over again. I feel {mostly} at peace, but yet I cannot sleep. When I do finally fall asleep, it is not restful, and I wake easily. The past two nights I have awoken completely panic stricken from nightmares. (And the nightmares have absolutely nothing to do with our current situation - they have just been completely random!) I feel exhausted in the morning, but it is easy to get out of bed, because I know I cannot sleep anyway. Although the other morning when Jim left to milk cows at four in the morning (he milks at our best friends' barn one morning a week and in exchange we get the yummiest raw milk ever) I did try to go back to sleep, instead I laid in bed for the next two and a half hours completely frustrated.

The lack of sleep has made me shorter with my children and with my husband, and I do not like that. I have little patience, little energy, little ambition. I am not a good mommy, good wife, good friend right now. The lack of sleep has made me so tired during the day that I have been drinking way too much coffee and consuming way too many calories, in an effort to feel awake. Thankfully the past two weeks, I have reigned in the calorie consumption and gotten into a good running rhythm again. I thought the running might help me sleep, too, but nope, not one bit.

I'm at a loss. I walk around in a fog, so tired with a dull headache most days. I don't want to go anywhere or see anybody because the thought makes me even more exhausted. I know I just need to continually give this over to God. I am also looking for some natural remedies. My mom has insomnia problems and swears by warm milk and a banana right before bed. Jim laughed about that and said that there was nothing like consuming half your days calories right before bed! Ha! I haven't tried either yet, but I am almost to that point. Do you have any ideas that might help me? Have you ever struggled with this? I know God is using this to draw me closer to Himself, and in ways it is working. He has brought to mind a lot of different people for me to pray for as I try to fall asleep each night. But I would really like a break, and some sleep. Tonight. Please.

"But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed"

11 comments:

Theresa said...

Aw Tiffany! Have you ever tried melatonin? It's with the vitamins and it helps to release the sleep hormone that is usually produced as your body responds to darkness. You have to take it consistency, at the same time each day, but it sounds like you are already on a consistent schedule. It just helps your body get on track with it's sleep patterns. It may be a helpful boost :(

Theresa said...

consistently*
that ol' spell checker gave me the wrong word! lol

Joy said...

I also second the melatonin idea - you can get it at any health food store. I have taken it before. How about some chamomile before bed too? Not getting enough sleep is so frustrating - I struggle with this with working night shift.

rameelin said...

Please email me if you wanna talk. Thinking of you and praying. Remember the words of the Lord are your life! They will sustain you....
--Deut. 32:47--

Mandolin said...

Sometimes, I'm convinced, that the Lord uses sleep loss to His glory. I will pray for you and wait to see what all this means in your life :)

Mich said...

prayers and blessings, friend.

May you find rest...

Jenilee said...

I'm so sorry. I understand. that not sleep feeling is not fun at all and loosing sleep makes me irritable too. I'll be praying for you!

Heather said...

I understand how you feel! I have been dealing with insomnia a little lately and have been having trouble falling asleep. Honestly, I think it's anxiety because I tend to worry but really I should not be worrying but handing my cares over to God, especially when I try to sleep!
I don't have any remedies besides singing hymns or praise songs over and over in your head until you fall asleep. I used to drink Celestial Seasonings Sleepy Time tea (the stronger one) but I can't because I am still nursing my son. So, instead I just have plain chamomile tea. I guess it works a little. Usually I just stay up until I am too tired to stay up any longer.
I'll continue praying for you!
~Heather

Sara said...

i often have that same issue. I used to take tylenol pm which is supposed to be a non-addictive sleep aid. It helped me so much.

I will pray that God will give you some rest.

Christy said...

I just found your blog and I will definitely be back to read more of it. We have a lot in common. I used to teach in a Christian school and now am homeschooling my 4 year old daughter, who also has a Sept. birthday!!! We are currently using A Beka and Saxon and next year are starting Heart of Dakota. Five in a Row looks really good as well. Looking forward to getting to know you better. Hope your weekend is good!

Carrie said...

Oh, my goodness, I just had the WORST insomnia last night -less than three one-hour segments, it was crazy - and Natalie slept SO GOOD - when I can't sleep, I feel like SUCH an idiot, and I get SO mad at myself!!! I hope you can figure something out soon, I'm so sorry! :(

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