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Sunday, January 10, 2010

.At This Point in Time.

Some moments lately have found me feeling like this on the inside. (Okay, okay, a little bit on the outside, too!)

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I feel much like this at times, crying with one eye peaking out...

"God, are you still there? Do you see how I am feeling?! Do you not see what you are asking our family to grow through? This is too much. God, where are you?"

Someone called us brave recently for what we are doing (leaving our present ministry for an unknown future ministry that God has not shared with us yet).

Somedays it doesn't feel brave.

I certainly have never been called brave in my life. Being brave is not in my character.

Some people have been calling us crazy to completely give up security in our ministry position with absolutely nothing to fall back on.

Somedays, a lot of days, actually, it feels pretty crazy.


Jim and I go back and forth with our "good" days and "bad" days. God has been gracious. So far we have not both encountered a "bad" day simultaneously. Jim has been right by my side on the days when my heart is so consumed with fear that I am almost paralyzed with it and most definitely consumed by it. He speaks words of Truth to my timid spirit, holds my hand, strokes my hair, and reminds me that we are in this together.

I'm not as good at that on Jim's "bad" days. His "bad" days make me nervous. I need him to be my rock, but he needs me to accept the fact that he cannot be - only Christ can. Jim needs me to allow him to be human and scared. And that is hard, but even in this God is growing me. I wonder why God chose Jim and I at this moment to stretch and grow like this?

Regardless of how this post sounds, today is not a "bad" day. I am learning that each day I have to once again surrender my will, my fear, my anxiety, my clouded thoughts over to God. It's not easy, and it is a conscious effort - it doesn't just happen for me. As I sit hear in my quiet kitchen, though my heart was calm today, I can feel the fear starting to rise up, the panic trying to bob to surface. I am trying to take captive those paralyzing thoughts and cling to truth.

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2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and love, and a sound mind."

Psalm 91:15-16: "He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him, and show him my salvation."

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Again I want to thank you for your prayers for our family, for your encouraging comments and sweet emails. They have truly been a blessing, and God has used you to comfort and encourage us in this journey. I will continue with our faith story soon, as God has laid it heavy on my heart to share how we have gotten to this point.

However for now I want to catch you up to speed - briefly - on what is going on.

As I mentioned Jim is finished with camp on January 31st. So where does that leave us? That's a good question! We are continuing to rely on God and beseech him to make clear the plans He has for us. Our home church, is actually considering Jim as a candidate for a pastoral position. Nothing is set-in-stone with that, and we have no reason to believe that he will or will not get this ministry position. Finances at the church are very tight, this would have to be a complete God thing for it to work out. And we know it can, if that is where God wants us. We know that God works in impossible situations. This is where we want to be, but even more than that we want to be where God wants us. Though this is true, it is hard, too. Neither of us wants to move. This is the town and church I grew up in. We just purchased a home here three years ago. Our families are here, and our very best friends are but three miles away. We know that it is a very real possibility that God is moving us on and asking us to give this up, and we are willing - not wanting, but willing.

Jim has placed some phone calls about other pastoral positions in our state - nothing looks promising as the openings that we heard of are not full time. Now we begin the search outside of our state. We continue to pursue and pray for this position at our home church, yet we also feel that with how crunched our time is, we need to be pursuing other ministries. We know God is calling Jim to be a pastor. It is a blessing to know this with such certainty, and we pray for the place to be revealed to us that Jim is to pastor at. That is where we are in this process. I still am in a little disbelief over how we got from finishing up another summer at camp to where we are today - with the possibility of having to box up our home and move to who-knows-where and start again, but I am believing that He is doing a good work in us. I am just anxious to find out how our story ends.

9 comments:

Ashley Jo Anglin said...

I have been so busy that I haven't had time to read many blogs lately. So I just spent some time getting caught up on yours. You are in my thoughts and prayers and you are such a sweet soul. :-) Your blog is looking great! I am going to say a special prayer for you.
Ashley

Lover_of_Life said...

I will be praying ten times harder for the position at Calvary to work out. I would be heart broken if you guys left this state. You guys are always in my prayers. I love you!

Lover_of_Life said...

Hey!
This is so random but I need some help with my blog. I don't know how to change the settings on my blog. I know how to add a template but I can't figure out how to change the headers around my posts and what not. If you have any advice let me know :-) Love you!

Mich said...

I have been there. Ministry is tough. If possible, sit back, leave the worrying aside and enjoy the ride! For God will bless you for your servant's heart.

Love the pictures.

Learning in Our Jammies said...

Hi! I have been right where you are by leaving your home church. Me and my husband was sitting in church almost 4 years ago when the Lord spoke to him and said that it was time to go! Oh, how I fought it! I didn't want to leave my "family". It was the hardest thing to do, but down in my heart I knew it was right. Now I am so thankfully that we listened to God's voice as He led us to the wonderful church we are now! Even though you may not see it now, you will be blessed. I will be keeping you in my prayers!

Carrie said...

That is so neat that you may get to stay at your home church - obviously, since you have a house in the area & friends & all, that would be a blessing! Our church is looking for a pastor, though - and how cool would THAT be??? Jim should send his resume - I'll email you our church's info. :)

I feel the same way about needing my hubby to be my rock & I love your comment about only God being our rock - so true. :) Thanks for sharing what God is doing in your family & in your heart. :)

The Schmitz Family said...

We found our position off of Lancaster Bible College's placement list. Not sure if that would help you or not, but the BBC list got us no where. Praying for you. Adult life transitions are hard. Period. I have thought about blogging our ministry "story" over the last few years, but have never made the time or really felt comfortable doing so.
I did feel the need to make our blog private after our head pastor resigned and we were the only ones on FT staff here.
Anyway, all that to say, we are thinking of you and praying for you. It is hard to think about packing up and leaving family and going where you have nothing familiar!

Jenilee said...

we have been there. transition is so hard but totally worth it when you are following his direction and leading. praying he will show you soon!

Tiffany said...

Jenna - thank you! We may have to look into that placement list. I wish you would write your story! I would love to hear it!

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