.I Want to Know.

I cannot recall what awoke me. Maybe Jamesy had gotten up, or maybe it was a typical restless night for me. At 3 AM, after waking, I found myself buried in my husband's arms, hot tears burning rivers on my cheeks, and sobs taking my breath away. It's not the first time that this has happened. It seems as if the stillness of the night brings up a lot of emotions for me. This night in particular I was furious. Perhaps with God, if I am going to be honest. I am struggling with comprehending how it is that every night I lay my head on a plush pillow in a warm, safe, comfortable queen sized bed, while a certain little boy whom I love very much has been sleeping back out on the streets - on a bench, with no blankets, no safety. How is it that God's grace landed me here in America? And how is it that His very same grace landed him and others as a prisoner to poverty? I am just struggling reconciling some things in my human mind, and I know therein is the problem - my mind is human (Isaiah 55:8-9).

I asked for this, but friends, let me say that I did not understand what I was asking for. For some reason, when I asked God to allow me to share some of His heart ache and to break my heart for what breaks His, I did not anticipate the pain. Even writing this I now see how foolish that sounds. I meant every breath of that prayer, but I do not think I counted the cost before asking it of God. I have always been empathetic - long before now. But this is a whole new level of empathy. I remember in preparing for our first trip to Ethiopia, and in the paperchase to adopt Jamesy, I read as much  as I could about his birth country and watched probably hundreds of videos. My heart was always pricked, I seldom read anything or watched anything relating to Ethiopia or the orphan crisis without being in tears, BUT even that did not penetrate my heart. I have said it so many times before, but it was all just statistics and numbers swirling around. It reached me on an emotional level for a moment, but it was fleeting.

However, the moment we drove off of the airport in Addis, my heart began to bruise as I saw real, live human beings, made in the image of God, laying all over the side of the dusty, bumpy roads, huddled up by piles of trash, and preparing for a night of whatever sleep they could find. Yes, I had seen this on the videos, but now it was real, before my eyes. I could see them, hear them, and smell them. What I could not do was close my eyes and ignore them. Yes, I had seen poor people here. I have seen their houses and their condition. I have even seen homeless people before, but this was so different than even that. My words would fall short to explain how, so I will not try. And then two days later, I met him, and the statistic wrapped itself in human flesh and blood and held my hand and called me Mama and begged for something to fill his starving belly. And as he handed me that beaded bracelet through the van window, with tears trailing his dirty cheeks, my entire world shifted, and in that moment my heart understood my Father's heart and it began to crack and bleed and HURT. Oh the pain of having my heart broken for what break's His. Why didn't someone warn me? Why didn't someone tell me that I could never go back? That the things that seemed so important, like my silly COACH bags, and filling my fridge with organic produce, and staying up-to-date on the latest fashion trends for me and my littles, and filling my home with stuff, and shopping just for fun, or arguing over whether church's should have pews or chairs, or wishing I had more time in the day for me, would all smack me in the face and mock my lukewarm devotion to Jesus Christ.

Even now it hurts to know what I know, and I feel as if I can do so much more. I do not want sympathy or platitudes about how God doesn't want me to feel guilty, and how He has placed me here for a reason. Because I need to feel this pain. Even though this knowing is hard -the hardest thing that I have ever experienced, I still want to know. I had closed my eyes to this level of pain for 30 some years, and now I choose to enter the pain. I will never be able to do enough. I will never be able to solve the world's problems. Even Jesus said that the poor will always be with us. (Matthew 26:11)

A friend shared a song with me on facebook last night. As Jim and I listened to it through tears, I said If I knew then what I know now, then I would not want to know. It had been a hard day with a situation with our teenage boy in Ethiopia. Jim looked at me and said That's not true. And he is right. Because now, I am just beginning to understand the Father's heart. So, even though it is excrutiatingly painful and isolating, and even though most days I feel useless in what I know, I still choose to know.

I want to know.


Do You Want to know by Josh Wilson

If you want a heart of sympathy


Then pray to God to help you, please


See the world that Jesus sees



But be careful what you ask Him for


Cause if you’re gonna open up that door


There’s no going back to before



Cause once you see a mother who can’t feed


The baby that cries in her arms


Your heart will break and you’ll lay awake


No, sleep won’t come quick anymore


So do you want to know?



You pass him on the way to work


He holds a sign beside the curb


You look away and avoid the hurt



Cause why should you be held responsible


Besides, he’ll probably just spend it all


On cigarettes and alcohol




But once you see that the man on the street


Has a name and a family like you


Your heart will break and you’ll lay awake


Cause you’ll understand God loves him, too


So do you want to know?


Oh, no



If you want a heart of sympathy


Then pray to God to help you see



But once you see a world that’s in need


And a sorrow you just can’t ignore


Your heart’s gonna break and you’ll lay awake


Cause you’ll know you could do so much more


Do you want to know?



[Disclaimer: every time I open my heart up in a post like this I get some negative feedback about how there are poor people here in America, and how all I care about is Ethiopia and the poverty there. I just want to carefully say, that this is a very personal post, and this is my story. I didn't know until I went to Ethiopia. I had to leave America in order for God to break my heart. This is the avenue God used in my life. And now I am passionate about Ethiopia, and honestly I am passionate about every follower of Jesus in America experiencing a third world country, BUT these are just my thoughts. I do know that there are hurting people right in our back yard and in our families. This is not my way of saying to  ignore them.]

.Chapter Two - When Stories Collide.

To read the intro. click here.
To read Chapter One click here.

Throw a stone and

watch the ripples grow.

David Gray

Her story began so much differently than mine. As a girl, she would carefully cut out pictures of children from across the globe that lived in a world so different from her own. She hung them on her bedroom wall and would daydream about mommying them. She imagined being the mommy to dark eyed, dark skinned children from India and Africa. I on the other hand, never gave thought to children around the world. I dreamed of mommying blue eyed, blond haired children and possibly some brown-eyed sweeties as well, that I would carry in my womb for 9 months. Although I always knew I wanted to be a mommy, my eyes didn't see as far as hers did....yet.

She and her husband always knew they would adopt, but were just uncertain of God's timing as to when and where they would adopt. However, Jim and I had never even talked about adopting or even orphans or orphan care in general, we never thought about it. Adoption wasn't anywhere on our radar. Orphan care was unheard of and not ever talked about in our circles of friends or even from the pulpit in our church.

Jim and I were living out a watered down version of Christianity. We were caught up in the trappings of materialism. We had the house with a mortgage, the car with a loan attached, one daughter, one son – perfect in the eyes of our country, more clothes than we could ever dream to wear, credit cards that purchased gadgets and gizmos that cluttered our home and made empty promises of easing our too busy life - and at every turn we were scrambling for more. We were on the hamster wheel of the American dream – headed nowhere fast. Until God ripped the carpet out from under us. We found ourselves walking away from a secure ministry – Jim was out of a job, and I was a homemaker earning no income of my own. Suddenly the material goods that we had been breathlessly chasing after seemed to not sparkle as brightly as they once had. For the first time we were breathing easy, and it was strange because to those looking in from the outside we probably appeared crazy. Humanly speaking it was crazy that we were feeling this peace in the midst of what seemed to be chaos. Jim nor I had jobs, and there were weeks where we could not be sure exactly where our next meal would come from. We had already eaten what was in our pantry, fridge and freezer. I remember the evening Jim came home from the grocery store with a grin spread wide across his face and eyes sparkling. He looked as if he had won the lottery – only it was better! He had found a large package of hotdogs that were 50% off and a loaf of bread clearanced as well. We ate like kings that night. Hot dogs had never tasted so good, and we were filled with so much joy as we watched God meet the needs of our little family. We were finally in a place where our hearts could be still and quiet, they were not being muffled out by material possessions. God had begun to prep us for the amazing story He was about to write over our lives.

There were many loosely connected ties between my life and Joanna’s. I knew who she was. Jim had worked closely with one of her sisters during the first months of our marriage, and we attended church with that sister during that time as well. Another one of her sisters was in Jim's class in college. I grew up with her cousins, went to school and church with them, and I even attended the same church as her grandparents when I was a child. Her aunt and uncle were my youth leaders for a bit during my teen years, and I went on a mission’s trip to Quebec with them.

I knew all this when I first found her blog, but that is not what kept me coming back for more. It was the photographs and the heart words that accompanied them. It was the art, and the baring of her soul that captivated me. I wanted to know her. I cannot put my finger on exactly what it was that drew me to her, but I believe it was the Holy Spirit drawing our hearts together. It was magnetic. It was as if my heart knew that one day we would be on a beautiful journey together. I can see that with hindsight now.

She was the reason I first picked up a Nikon camera and became fascinated with photography. Her photos were the reason I opted to buy a Nikon over a Canon when I purchased my first dslr. Her photos appealed to me on so many levels. It was more than just the technical stuff – although that was perfectly executed – it was the story, the artistry. Every single photograph told a story, and I felt as if I was getting to know JO through her photographs. She was kind enough, prior to my dslr days, to look over my attempts at photography and give me pointers. Turn off your flash. That was to this date, the best ever advice I have ever received regarding photography, and it came from her. She put a piece of herself into every single photograph, and I was drawn in. She emulated Jesus in her words, and she made me want to seek harder after Him. All this from reading a blog.

One day I became more than just a casual acquaintance and an avid reader of her blog. God did the remarkable when he allowed our stories to collide. He was overlapping the stories of our lives without us even realizing it was happening. One January, she wrote a post on her blog that struck a chord so deeply inside of me that it changed the course of my life forever. It also changed the course of a sweet one month year old baby boy living an ocean away in Ethiopia, forever. And the ripple effect still hasn’t come to a stop. That moment, gentle as the flapping wings of a butterfly has yet to showcase its full effect.

On January 18, 2010, our stories collided. It only happened because JO decided to bare her soul and lay her story out for others to read. She was transparent and vulnerable and yielded to the Spirit. My eyes still sting with tears knowing the gift she gave me. God used her to begin opening my blind eyes. Many months later we would chat on the phone, and I would learn how close she had come to not sharing her story, to keeping it hidden from her blog. I know my God is sovereign, and that would not have happened, because it was God's plan for our stories to collide. But my human mind quickly goes to the what-ifs. I can barely wrap my mind around the fact that I could still be living my life completely blinded to the plight of the orphan, completely unaffected by adoption, and Jamesy....we would never have known him. Never have been blessed with the privilege to cry for him, to love him, to grieve for all he has lost. Never been a part of God's plan to tie our heart to an orphan boy across the world and be a part of the amazing, supernatural way that God imbeds into our hearts love for a child we did not birth.

I saw the title of Joanna’s newest blog post – We are expecting!. I was so excited for her to be having another baby and adding to her beautiful family, and I quickly clicked into her blog to read what she had written. As my eyes scanned the screen I learned that this family was expecting their fourth baby by way of adoption via Ethiopia. That struck me as so odd. Immediately I began to wonder if they had fertility problems, although her post was not reading that way. It was as if they were choosing adoption. Strange indeed. I thought adoption was a plan B for families who could not have children of their “own”. But Joanna and her husband already had three children, and it seemed as if they were doing this because they wanted a child through adoption and out of obedience. My stomach flip-flopped. Maybe there was more to adoption than what I had always thought.

My eyes continued to soak in the words in front of me. As I read her post I felt a stirring in my soul. My heart actually began to race and thump hard inside of my chest. The Spirit was definitely trying to impress something upon my stubborn, hard self. Some of her words still are embedded like a knife plunged deep into my heart.

We discussed the many thousands of dollars it costs to adopt and then we joked, 'Or, we could forget it all and just get a Mustang.' That has become almost a code word for us now. The distinct contrast between pursuing the 'American dream' or risking it all for the glory of God.

I read and reread those words. Risking it all for the glory of God. Weren’t we doing just that? I almost wanted to smile smugly and pat myself on the back. We were in the middle of what I felt like was a HUGE risk. Jim had resigned at camp, and we had no promise of a ministry ahead. Our hearts were very soft during this time, as we waited for His leading. Weren’t we risking all that we could risk? I was growing almost proud of all we were doing – we had even started Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover, although Jim had no job or any money making income at the time. What more could we risk? But the more I read JO’s words, the more uncomfortable I became in my self-righteousness, her words were being used to convict me, and something or Someone kept nagging me.

Jim was home as I read her words, so I called him into the kitchen, and I read the post out loud to him. I just couldn’t keep it to myself. We were risking a lot, but were we really risking it all? Would God really ask more than this from us?

Halfway down the page Joanna had posted a video and encouraged her readers to watch it. I had never seen anything like it. The video was a “Gotcha Video” of a mom meeting her adopted daughter in Ethiopia for the first time. It was remarkably beautiful. The music was inspiring and fit the events perfectly. The video opened with photos of Ethiopia and statistics. Statistics that I felt as if I was seeing for the first time – perhaps I was or perhaps it was just that I was now seeing them with new eyes - kingdom eyes. Something was happening to me as the images, the statistics and the music swirled around me.

The Holy Spirit was stirring my heart.

Part of James 1:27 flashed across the screen Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this; to look after orphans and widows in their distress. I was sure that I had read that before, but why had it never sunk in? Why did I feel as if I was being punched in the gut? Is that really what God said pure religion was? What had I ever done for orphans or widows? Nothing. I had done absolutely nothing. What did that say about me and about my thirty years of life and twenty five years as a follower of Jesus Christ? What did that say about my religion? I loved Jesus, who gave everything up for me, I wanted to obey him in return, but was I?

Jim and I both watched the video. Silently. He in his thoughts and I in mine. At one point the damn in my soul broke wide open and the sobs began to shake my body. I believe it was in that moment I understood exactly what the Spirit was calling us to do. I glanced sideways at Jim and was amazed to see his shoulders shaking with sobs as well. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was under the Holy Spirit’s deep conviction, and I wondered if my husband was as well. After the video closed I dried my eyes and turned towards Jim.

“Have you ever considered adoption?” I quietly asked not quite making eye contact.

“No.” He said shrugging his shoulders and looking away.

I hadn’t either. Why would I ever consider it? We had two beautiful children, and if we wanted more, we could easily have more of our own - without spending thousands of dollars. Adoption was not an option that we had ever filtered through our thoughts – until that moment.

We talked about how possibly God had this in His plans for our future - very distant future I remember thinking. After all, here we were with no job, no ministry, no promise of income, trying to live off of Dave Ramsey's "Total Money Makeover", trying to pay down debt, and committed to never accruing debt again. Adoption didn't fit into this. It didn't fit at all. It wasn’t a logical choice. None of our friends had chosen adoption over birth children. We had no children in our church that came by way of international adoption. We lived in a small, white town. People did not do things like this here – especially normal people like us. Especially people like me – I liked to blend in and not draw any attention to myself. This seemed so LOUD.

We didn't talk of it again that day. A few days later, I came across another blog highlighting adoption, and then two more. What was going on? Why had I never given thought to this? I briefly brought it up to Jim again, and then I just tried to shove these thoughts that were threatening to consume me out of my mind. Soon after reading JO’s post, Jim and I started once again talking about adding to our family. This had been an ongoing dialogue since the moment Scotty, our youngest, was born. We had planned on trying to conceive the past fall, and then the past winter, but we kept pushing it off. It never felt right.

I finally admitted to Jim what I had known in my heart for a long while - that I just did not have a peace about getting pregnant. He admitted to the same. However, I had this overwhelming desire to mommy another baby. We came to the conclusion that perhaps it was more of a selfish desire, and it wasn't a child that I wanted but rather one more experience with a baby. Perhaps God just wanted us to pour our everything into the two children we had been given. I remember discussing this with my best friend even back that summer while sitting on her porch under the warm setting sun. Even as I said the words about God maybe directing us to stop at two and raise them with everything inside of us I knew something in my heart was off. I just couldn’t put my finger on it or see the seed that the Holy Spirit was planting in my heart even back then – months before I would read Joanna’s story. I thought after that discussion with Jim that was it. We would raise our two children to love God fully. We would pour our lives into the daughter and son God had blessed us with. That was our decision. I just hoped my heart could catch up with what we had concluded. I prayed about it, but I still felt an unsettled longing in my heart that made no sense, and I could not get a peace. The inner turmoil became something I would constantly stuff down as I tried to go on with my days at home with my two beautiful children. I was constantly in tears and angst, but I couldn’t pinpoint why or what the Spirit was prompting me about. Now it is so plain to see, but then it was confusing and painful.

We got through the month of February with no paychecks. God provided for our every need and knit Jim and my heart together tighter than ever before. Our hearts were growing increasingly softer to the leading of the Holy Spirit. He brought us to the point where we were ready and willing to go anywhere that He asked us to. This was a big step for me to be willing to leave the town I grew up in and our support system of family and friends. I had finally surrendered this area of my life, and we sat back and waited for God to send us somewhere. However, after the Spirit brought me to a point of surrendering to go anywhere, God worked in supernatural ways and against all human odds, and Jim was voted into our home church as an associate pastor and started March 1st. We did not have to move or leave our family and friends. We were staying right here and ministering in our own church. God had come through for us in a very big way and very quickly. Jim was now in a ministry position that before he had only dreamed of. God brought us through some hard weeks and refined our marriage and our relationship with Him. Yet I could not get the idea of growing our family off of my mind. It was an ever present nagging that would not go away.

I started to realize that something was missing in our home - somebody was missing from our family. Honestly, I had never really intended to stop growing our family at two children, but that prior conversation with Jim had seemed to cement that plan. I was really confused because I knew almost certainly that God was not leading us to another pregnancy, but I still longed for another child. I begged God to show us His desire for our family, and I wrestled with not feeling any peace.

How thick-headed I was being! God could not have been any clearer. He had practically dropped His plan for us into our laps, and still I wandered through my days baffled, emotional, confused, and unsettled. Finally the fog in my brain parted and once again the Holy Spirit brought to mind adoption and even Ethiopia, and I became consumed with thoughts and prayers in that direction. An excerpt from my journal during this time describes some of what I was wrestling with.

I think God is calling our family to the ministry of adoption. That is crazy! I don’t know anyone who has adopted a child when they could just get pregnant, and yet I have absolutely no peace about God wanting me to get pregnant again. I just get this unmistakable feeling that our family is not complete, though. There is someone missing. I feel it when we are sitting at the dining room table. I look at my family, and I get a fluttering in my heart that someone is not here.


The statistics that I am reading about Ethiopia have cut to the quick of my heart. Why would I want to get pregnant again when there are literally thousands of children in Ethiopia (and other countries) dying of preventable diseases every day? And all they need is for Christians to step up and say yes, I want you. I want you to be my son, my daughter and become family. I keep reading Scripture searching for the word orphan. Why have I never seen what God so clearly demands from me in regard to orphans? Why have I never sat under a sermon prompting me to step out in obedience and care for the orphans? It seems pretty plain now that I am seeing with these new eyes. I think God really might want us to adopt. What?! Adopt?!


What will people think? What will they say? Would a black child be accepted into our faith family, by our friends, or our community at large? God, I am just a shy stay-at-home mom. I like predictability. I don’t even like going grocery shopping on my own! God, I am scared to drive on the highway, let alone travel to Ethiopia. I have never even been out of the country! It’s scary there, isn’t it? I don’t really even know where Ethiopia is. What are you doing God? I just want to blend in. I just want people to like me. I just want to be normal and like everyone else.


No, I want to glorify You. I want to obey You. I’m just scared.


We just left camp. Jim just got the position at our church. He is a new pastor, and I am stumbling in my new role as a pastor’s wife – eek a PASTOR’S WIFE! We are new to the journey to financial freedom through Dave Ramsey. How does adoption fit into Dave Ramsey’s plan? It clearly doesn’t. This is crazy.


Are you really asking this of us?


How do I deny what I now know? How do we not do this? I am more scared of living my life in disobedience. Please make this clear. Please hold my hand. You know that I am not brave enough for something like this.


After days of silently battling things out with God, it finally hit me. Adoption doesn't fit into Dave Ramsey’s plan. It fits into God's plan. God had just taken us through a huge trial financially. He showed us how He would and could provide for our financial needs during the trying month in February. That was fresh in my mind. It was definitely not too much for God to provide the thousands of dollars for us to adopt – was it?

Yes, it was a risk. It was a risk that I was certain would look absolutely foolish to some people. But I knew in my heart that it would be more risky NOT to take that risk. To disobey what God is asking us would be a risk I was not willing to take. I wasn't sure how Jim felt about all of this, though. I knew that in the past I had been manipulative with certain things that I have wanted for our life, and that this time he had to come to this decision without me getting in the way. So I prayed, begging God to convict Jim, as I truly felt this was God's desire for us. But Jim needed to be completely sold out to an adoption as well, or I would not step forward.

One Saturday night in late March, Jim brought home the movie The Blindside for us to watch. The movie chronicled a white family adopting a teenage black boy. I could hardly watch the movie, because I was being so convicted. It’s funny the things that the Holy Spirit can use to prick our hearts and open our eyes. At the end of the movie I felt prompted to just casually mention adoption to Jim again. I proceeded prayerfully and submissively this time, unlike so many times in our early years of marriage. He was quiet about it, but that night as he held me and prayed before falling asleep he mentioned adoption, and my heart soared!

It’s hard to put down in words what transpired next. Sometimes the working of the Holy Spirit is so intricate that it is difficult to see all of the details. But He was definitely at work, because ultimately Jim on his own did also come to the solid decision that God was calling us to the ministry of adoption. We discussed the timing, and how it seemed strange and crazy. However, we could no longer deny that not only was God calling us to do this, but to do this now. God was calling us to adopt from Ethiopia. Why Ethiopia? It was the country that God first opened our eyes to. I think we both lost our hearts the moment we truly understood the need there. At the time it was also the country with the greatest need for her orphans.

I have questioned why we couldn't wait a few years and try to save up money while we waited. But I think that it had to be an immediate act of obedience, because our hearts were so freshly sensitive to His provision, having just walked through it. In a few years, we may forget, we may not trust Him like we were willing to right then. Plus, maybe God just wanted to use our story for His glory - to show what could happen when two very average people stepped out in obedience. Actually I am certain of that.

He is a master story teller who weaves intricate stories seamlessly together. I am eternally grateful that God collided my story with the story of my, now, dear friend, Joanna, and that she chose to tell her story. Only God knows who He plans to have our story collide with, but it will collide. For we are all part of one grand story, the sacred story that He is writing - a story with the ultimate, victorious ending.

They shall speak of the glory of Your kingdom, and talk of Your power, to make known to the sons of men His mighty acts, and the glorious majesty of His kingdom. (Psalm 145:11-12)

.Surrender.

sur·ren·der - To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion.

I thought I had learned this.

I wrote of it back here in relation to God drawing us out of the camp ministry and into a pastoral ministry.

I feel as if I am learning it all over again right now. I cannot write of details. Soon I will be able to.

I am having to wake up and surrender it all to Him.

Every. day.

All to Jesus I surrender.

All to Him I freely give.

I will ever love and trust Him.

In His presence daily live.

I surrender all.

I surrender all.

All to Thee my blessed Savior - I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender.

Humbly at His feet I bow.

Worldy pleasures all forsaken.

Take me Jesus, take me now.

I surrender all.

I surrender all.

All to Thee my blessed Savior - I surrender all.


Earnestly praying over how that looks in my life, how it manifests itself in my day-to-day moments, and how it is changing the face of our life forever.





Don't miss a moment. Subscribe here.

.Sinking In.

We are still just adjusting to Jim's new role (and mine!), and it is sinking in a bit.

Jim came home for lunch - how great is that?!

He has regular hours - I can expect him home {most} nights at the same time! This means we can have a normal dinner hour - something we have never had!

Just some of the perks.

Jim was beyond thrilled to share his day with me when he got home. His eyes were alight and he was so animated. I have only seen him this smitten when we were married, and when we had babies. There is no shadow of a doubt that this is what God created him for.

I know there will be hard days ahead.

But today was another moment cherished.

Thank you Jesus.

.A New Chapter.

I am wondering what tomorrow will hold, as our home church votes on Jim as the associate pastor. I am wondering if this will be our new chapter. We continue to be prayerful and hopeful that it is.

I can remember just like it was yesterday the day that I knew God was calling us out of the camp ministry. It was this fall, October tenth. I will never forget that date. The night before Jim had asked me to pray about the possibility of him going into farming with our best friends! I know - crazy. Looking back now, I can see it was just Jim feeling God's tugging. I was upset that Jim had asked me to do that. I did not want to pray about it. I did not want to leave camp. Camp was safe. We were secure. Jim's job and ministry was secure. I didn't pray about it that night or that morning.

I was scheduled to take a family's photos that Saturday. First, I had to drive to camp and help prepare a lunch for a paintball retreat, though. Jim had left several hours before me, so I drove up alone with my children. I remember about five minutes into my forty five minute drive that I felt God tugging on me to pray. I put a Steve Green's kid's CD in, turned it up, and began to pray out loud. I don't remember the exact words I said, but I remember just pouring my heart out to God. I know I told Him about my fear of leaving camp for the unknown, my fear of letting God truly have control over our life. About fifteen minutes before I got to camp that day, I began to cry. I remember worrying that I would frighten my children who were in the back seat. I was not silently crying, I was sobbing, gasping for air, sniffling - all out crying. I almost pulled over,and for safety reasons I probably should have. However I kept driving - talking out loud to God and crying because I had gotten this overwhelming feeling - rather a knowing - that God was asking us to leave camp, and not only that, but He was asking us to leave soon - before another summer, to step out in faith, to trust Him. He was asking me to stop trying to manipulate our lives, to stop playing it safe. I was fairly certain that God did not have farming in our future. I knew that Jim was gifted in the area of ministry, and that he had not yet been able to use all of his giftedness. I just didn't have any idea at that time what God had in store.

Let me just say, that I have never before had a conversation with God like this. I don't want to come across as all feeling/emotions based, but this was so real. There was absolutely no question in my mind that God was telling us that He was done using us at camp. That morning in the van has revolutionized my prayer life, my walk with God. It was hard. It was amazing.

I pulled on to the camp road with a strange mix of emotions. I remember a peace coming over me, but being terrified of what laid ahead, too. I remember thinking about how I had to tell Jim, but I wasn't quite ready. Because I knew deep in my heart that Jim knew we had to leave camp as well, and once I told him that would be it. We would have to proceed. I worried about the people involved - the people we ministered with at camp and truly loved like family. I did not want to hurt them, but knew that could not stop us from following God. It is no secret that I struggle with fear of man, so I worried about that too - what would people think? What would our parents think, our friends? But I composed myself and I dried my eyes, took a deep breath and parked. I kind of already shared here what happened when I finally worked up the courage to share with Jim my conversation with God. And the rest is history. You dear friends have been walking this journey with us. Thank you.

Now we have come full circle. Tomorrow will be the day. I suppose it will be a new chapter regardless of how the vote goes. I am excited to see what the Author has in store for us. Although, if I am being honest I am ready for the plot twists to settle down - just a bit. {grin}


(Please note: I had to enable the word verification on my comments. I am truly sorry for the inconvenience. I have just been receiving a lot of inappropriate spam the last few weeks.)

.And That's a Wrap.

Jim's candidating Sunday is over. It went well. I thought he did a great job communicating and sharing God's Word and his heart, despite his nerves. The question and answer time last evening went really well, too. Jim handled himself graciously and confidently. I am glad it was not me having to sit up front and answer questions!

So now we sit and wait. The vote will be this coming Sunday after the morning service. I think this will be a long week for us.

I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I didn't really realize it until this morning. I am having trouble communicating and processing my thoughts here, but I wanted to share something as I have gotten so many sweet words of encouragement and prayers. Thank you. I am incredibly grateful and humbled. I promise to get my act together soon. I have a few fun posts up my sleeve for this week. But for now, I am going to (without guilt) go rest on the couch.

.Great Expectations.

Psalm 5:3 "In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation."

We have been expecting that God will show us His clear direction in our lives regarding this next ministry step. It is a wonderful thing to pray to God and expect He will answer - not necessarily with the specific thing we prayed for but always with an answer. As Sunday nears and Jim finalizes his sermon, I find myself deeper and deeper in prayer, in thought, in expectation.

If you had asked us just six months ago had we planned this, we would have adamantly answered no. But if nothing else in this process I have taken to heart Proverbs 16:9 "The human mind plans the way, but the Lord directs the steps."

This Sunday and the final outcome of next Sunday is never far from our thoughts this week. Jim and I have been whispering to each other into the still of the night each night as we fall asleep. Praying, talking, dreaming - searching out God's desires, aligning our hearts with His and with each other. In the craziness of our moments and the monotony of our days our future is only a thought away.



This dear boy has been giving us the giggles with his newest "hat" fascination, but not even that can distract us.


We have been enjoying having daddy home. The children just soak him up, and I would be telling a lie if I said it was any different for me. I so enjoy my husband and spending time with him. He is fun- fun for the children, fun for our family.



I am going to spend tomorrow really focusing on my family and my husband. I want to spend a lot of time in prayer for the upcoming moments ahead. I want to be very intentional in being Jim's help meet tomorrow. I also need to prepare my home to welcome in some family on Sunday afternoon who are coming to hear Jim preach. I am looking forward to hearing Jim's sermon. I have really enjoyed talking through some of his points with him, and I am eager to hear it put together. Of course I love hearing Jim preach. My favorite thing about Jim's preaching is that it is real, from the heart - raw. He is so different from me - an open book when he is in front of people. I think that is what makes him so special, so relate-able. Thank you for taking this journey with us, for praying for us. I will update on Sunday evening or Monday.



Next week I also look forward to writing Scotty's {belated} eighteen month post!

.Ten Thousand Beside.

Here I sit with my stomach full of butterflies. I don't think I am scared. I think I am excited. Jim's candidating Sunday is this Sunday. I have a real, settled peace and confidence about the whole thing. It seems like this journey to get here has been so long, but amazing and seriously life-changing. I keep remembering back to the day Jim graduated from Bible College. After the ceremony Jim hugged his favorite professor, Colin Smith, and we will never forget the words Colin spoke to Jim.

You will never be happy or satisfied until you are a pastor.

And it's about to happen for Jim! There is still the reality that it may not happen at our home church, but nonetheless, we know that is the next step, and whether it be at Calvary or some other church....it's going to happen! Wow.

This has been such an amazing month for us so far. The blessings that God has just lavished on our family is incredible, and gives us such peace knowing that we have stepped out in faith and obedience to Him - even when it looks crazy to others - to us! I want to record the blessings we have experienced so far this month. I am so afraid I may forget some because there have been so many. These are our ten thousand beside.

If you have been following our story, you know that Jim resigned from his ministry position as program director. We stepped out in faith without a promise of any pastoral position, but knew this is where God was leading us. Jim's last day at camp was January 31st. So Jim has been unemployed this month. We had cut up our credit cards in January and do not have that to fall back on during this time - or ever again as we have committed to accruing no more debt of any kind. When we looked ahead to our month, we knew that we would be very tight with our bills. We were pretty sure we could survive the month, but we would have to use our emergency fund that we set up through the Dave Ramsey system. This would leave us unable to pay our mortgage March 1st. We committed our expenses to God and prayed fervently about the month ahead.

As of today, we have yet to tap into our emergency fund! This has been our prayer. Although, it looks as if to pay our bills this week, we will have to. Nonetheless it is amazing that we have made it into the third week of February without breaking into that account, and because of that - we now have enough money to pay our mortgage for March! God has blessed us in numerous ways via our best friends allowing Jim to work on their farm for ten hours a week, and paying him for it, a few unexpected checks in the mail (yes, that really does happen!), and numerous meals at people's homes. I have only made one trip to a grocery store this month, and that was to a Mennonite, bulk food co-op type store. I was able to stock up on whole wheat flour and honey - staples in our home. I have sent Jim to the store a few times for one or two items, but that is it! Our best friends also blessed us with a large amount of beef, just as our freezer had run out - without them knowing it had. We have been given eggs and milk by them as well. I keep saying that as long as we have eggs, milk, and bread - we are set! And we have those - praise God! We have had our fair share of scrambled egg sandwiches this month, but we are not starving - nope not at all.

On Friday I went to my mailbox and found an anonymous envelope from Illinois addressed to myself. It contained a $30 gift card to Target! A few days before that, I went to get our mail and found a box on our porch filled with new Gap clothes for my children! I already talked about a dryer that was given to us, before we even knew of that need. My mom has dropped off extras from their fridge - like homemade pancakes for the children and even a few sweet treats for them! This Saturday I realized that I was out of bread and needed to make another batch, but I remembered too late for lunch. I was racking my brain as to what I could feed my family when we received a phone call, again from our best friends, saying that they were bringing us lunch!

This past year I did really well shopping early for Christmas and birthdays. I had purchased enough stuff for my children, that I was able to spread it out for Valentine's day and Easter as well. So although money was tight, my children still got special Valentine gifts from Mommy and Daddy this year. What a blessing it was for me to remember those gifts stored in the attic!

Scotty had a doctor's appointment on Friday. Praise God that he has grown an inch and gained a pound!! He is now {barely} on the growth chart! His allergy medication has made a huge difference, and we are finally able to experience our boy's real and crazy, but sweet-as-always personality!! Scotty also officially started walking this month, just before his eighteen month birthday!

There have been moments that have looked bleak, like after we had figured out our budget for the month and realized we had missed over $300 in bills. But God has been so good, so faithful, and provided for our every need and beyond our needs - like the Target gift card and the clothing! I am awed. Besides the material blessings, which we truly are so grateful and thankful for, we have received little cards from people saying they are praying for us. We can feel the love and prayers being heaped upon us. The encouragement from our church family and friends is indescribable. I was supposed to be in nursery yesterday, and a woman from church called me Saturday to say that she wanted to take my place, so that I could be in the service. We will never, ever forget this time in our lives. To know that we are exactly where God would have us is better than anything we have ever experienced! We are so undeserving and so blessed and so very excited about this road ahead.

He has been so good.

There is no denying God's hand in this. I pray that even those that are on the outside looking in at our story would see and believe.

I pray that one day my children will read these words and see how much God has changed their timid, manipulative, self-seeking, Mommy, and how much God desires to change them as well.

Thank you God for these blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” Lamentations 3:22-24

.Starting to Connect Some Dots.

It is taking me much longer to share our story than I anticipated it would. Part of the reason is because we are still so caught up inside of the story. Every time I sit down and reflect on the past chapters of our life I am overcome and overwhelmed with the intricate way God has weaved the details together. I am also ashamed for the many times that I did not notice or perceive it to be that way. I want this chapter to be different. This chapter that I am living right now is so exciting and scary, but I want to truly see God in the details, for He is right here in the middle weaving and weaving the tapestry of our life. It has been painful and uncomfortable, but stepping back and looking inside it is breath- takingly beautiful. I am so humbled that He has chosen Jim and I for this journey. We are so undeserving.

I know that I have gathered new readers since even the last installment of our faith story, and I do not want to leave you behind. God is urging me to write this for a reason. For my own good specifically, but I also strongly desire for other women to connect with our story - to see, maybe for the first time God weaving her own story. I am not a public speaker. I am not good with the spoken word. My tongue gets twisted and tied. My thoughts a jumble. Yes, if asked, I would stand up and give this testimony of God's goodness; how could I not? But this here, my written words from my heart, is my true platform. This is where God has gifted me, and is where I would much rather share. My prayer is that through these posts about our story, your heart would be touched, pricked, and you would see the God of all creation in a light that maybe you have never seen Him before. To God be the glory; great things He has done! To catch up on our story click on the following links:

Once Upon a Time
Our Total Money Makeover
I Don't Know How the Story Ends
At This Point in Time
Letting it All Hang Out
Our Faith Story:Part Six
God Alone
Bitter Sweet
One Month Under Our Belts

I felt as if I had been sucker-punched when Jim walked into my classroom, where I taught second graders, that day and told me that he had been laid-off. I was furious. I felt betrayed by the people Jim worked for, and I felt betrayed by God. I also became introspective, and began to wonder if it had not been God's plan for us to move back near our family homes and pursue the ministry of camp, but if it had been my plan - my manipulating Jim to get us where I wanted to be. If I was being completely honest with myself, which I seldom was back then, it wasn't really camp ministry I desired - rather it was a desire to be close to my family and camp ministry was merely the vehicle to get us where I wanted us. After all I had been the one to put the bird in Jim's ear about pursuing an internship at the camp in the first place. We were visiting my parents one weekend, and the desire was as strong as it ever was to move back. My head starting thinking and my tongue started manipulating.

Jim don't you want to get out of this dead-end job that you're in and start ministry? After all that is what you went to Bible college for. I wonder if camp has already chosen their next intern. You have always loved camp. I bet that would be a perfect fit. Why don't you call and see if you can get an interview?

Jim called that day and got the position very soon after. We prayed about it a bit, but looking back it was truly less of God's leading and more of mine. I am not saying God was not in control - He was, and this was part of His intended story for us. It's a fine line, and it is hard to explain accurately.

I had never really been very independent. I moved just three hours away to college, and I enjoyed that. But I always really liked being at home with my family. That has not changed today. I would still rather be at home with my family than be any place else in the world, and while that is not always a bad thing God has had to gently stretch me in this area. Now I am getting ahead of myself, though.

I remember that day so well. Jim closed the door to my classroom and held me while I sobbed. I liked to be in control. I had felt safe knowing that Jim would still have his job at the running store until it was time for us to move. All of my plans had been so perfectly laid out. This was not in my plans. I had expected Jim would stay at the running store until the day we moved. I remember moping around for a few days. I watched Jim search out the job listings in the paper. I was miserable. Who would hire Jim for a few short months?

In a matter of days God stepped into the equation and provided in such a way that I am still in awe when I think back. I cannot remember the details. I need to go back to my journal entries from that time and look it up, but the details are not pertinent to the story. Somehow Jim found out about a local publishing company that was looking to hire a person to beef up their website design. Remember how my husband had begun learning a bit about that at his running job?

God was weaving.

Jim was immediately hired, and his boss knew it would be temporary - that was all he wanted and needed! I believe Jim was hired under the impression that he knew a lot about web design and Photoshop. {grin} Fortunately my husband is a very quick learner, especially when it comes to things of this nature. He was also still very friendly with the man back at the running center who had been teaching him little things about web design. With that man's gracious help in answering any of Jim's questions and Jim's quick wit, he went from knowing very little about web-design to being able to completely build a website mostly from scratch. He also got very articulate with Photoshop.

Jim so enjoyed those few months of that job. In ways he had been beaten down at his other job, he was lifted up here. God was so gracious during this time. I even believe Jim brought home a bigger paycheck from this job! Oh how God was reaching out and loving us in ways I barely noticed until now. Jim was able to completely makeover the publishing company's website, and he learned how to do some graphic designing of some of their paper advertisements as well. He loved the creativity of the job and excelled at it.

I continued teaching and we started packing up our little apartment, anticipating the next phase of our life. Jim continued to preach at the little home church. They begged us to stay on and for Jim to become their pastor. It wasn't time yet, though. We were not ready. We still had so very much to learn.

At the end of May, with no permanent housing, we moved all of our possessions and settled into life at camp, living in a tiny cabin. We really had no idea what to expect. We were scared and excited, in very much the same place I find myself today. But God was at work....

weaving

weaving

weaving.

Jim's very first big assignment at camp was to design and print a brochure advertising the summer weeks ahead.

Would you know anything about that? The camp director asked Jim. We'd like to save a little money this year and try to design the brochure in-house. I wasn't sure if this was something you would be able to do or not.

Oh. So this was part of the reason God allowed Jim to lose his job.


We were starting to connect some dots.

.Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

Skies are blue.





And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.





There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.



All of these photos were taken in Florida on our family vacation back in September. I am far removed from these brilliant, sun-filled photos today, as I sit miles away in my little home with a stuffy nose and sore throat. However, I am reminded that it was on this vacation that God's still small voice started whispering in my heart about the possibility of moving on from camp. My heart began to stir with thoughts of how God may be done using us in the camp ministry. I revolted in fear. Pushed it aside time after time after time. It would take nearly a month before I could even voice the thoughts to Jim. I hope to publish the next installment of our faith story tomorrow. To catch up click here.

.One Month Under Our Belts.

I wrote here about starting our Total Money Makeover via Dave Ramsey last month. Little did we know that just after beginning the makeover and just after cutting up all of our credit cards and vowing to never go into ANY kind of debt again, God would ask us to step up our faith a notch farther. We learned a few days after starting this money journey that Jim's last day at camp would be January 31st, rather than this spring like we had originally been thinking. So that means Jim's last paycheck came last Wednesday. I have had moments of panic and wishful thinking regarding those silly plastic cards, but overall I am at complete peace. Thankfully because of starting the makeover last month, we were very frugal with our money for the whole month of January. We stuck with our budget plan for the month, and we were very faithful in allocating our money each week before spending it. It has worked beautifully for us. We even came under budget in a couple areas! So we start this month of February a little differently. According to Dave Ramsey's plan we should start snowballing debt this month, but we cannot do that with our current financial status. Rather we are just trying to survive the month! We sat down a few weeks ago and figured out if we could make it work to not get paychecks for February (Jim does not get voted on at our church until the last week in February), and while money will be very tight and stretched and we will need to figure out how to go without some things, we can do it! I am excited to see how God provides in a few areas, as we have already had a few expenses come up that we had not planned for - doesn't that always happen?

I just cannot get over the way God has been growing me since October when He made clear to us His desire for our family to leave the ministry at camp. I never could have imagined trying to go a month without any pay - that seems way too crazy, scary, unstable, etc. I am the person that likes everything planned to a fault. And God has taken all of my plans torn them to shreds and then asked me to trust His plan while wearing a blindfold! But here is where God has placed us, and I am surprisingly calm and dare I say - excited?! God is so good and so faithful. When we finally come out on the other side of our faith story I am going to be such a different person. God has been at work. Looking back over even these past few months, I can see that so much that has happened needed to happen to get me to this place. So with one month under us in this makeover, we step into month number two and we continue to pursue our Savior and stand in awe at His providential care!


My sweet family. I caught Jim snuggling with our children this morning before breakfast, and I just had to preserve the memory. Cadi and Jim still have sleepy eyes, and Scotty just looks completely perplexed. Sweet though.

I am kind of excited about mornings this month. I anticipate that they will be slow and easy as Jim will not be rushing to be at camp, and I will not be rushing to get his lunch together and such. I am planning to enjoy these moments. I think God is being especially gracious to us in giving us this family time before we jump into whatever ministry He has planned for us next. We are not taking this for granted at all.

Cadi is adjusting well to her glasses. She did not care for wearing her patch this morning, but I do hope she will get used to it. I am sleeping a bit better than I had been. I feel tired during the day, and I struggle to fall asleep at night still. However, once I do fall asleep I have been able to stay asleep, that is a huge blessing. Thank you dear readers for your kind and encouraging comments and emails. I am just blown away. I was chatting with a friend today and she remarked over the number of readers my blog has attracted. I am completely perplexed, but I have truly been blessed by the kindness of strangers. And honestly some of my faithful readers are feeling less and less like strangers and more like friends. The body of Christ is such a wonderful thing. I continue to write what is on my heart and to record these cherished moments for myself. I do not want to lose focus of my reason for blogging - to remember these fleeting moments of mommyhood, but having people enjoy or be encouraged by reading my ramblings is certainly the cherry on top. Thank you.

Edit: I just realized this was my hundredth post! How fun. {grin}

.Bitter Sweet.

Today we drove onto the campground for the very last time in the capacity of program director. We drove off the campground about six hours later, just another couple leaving camp.

But we aren't really just another couple leaving camp.

We are a couple who have gone through life change because of the way God has used that camp. We are a couple forever changed because of that camp. We are a very different couple than the one that drove onto that camp in the capacity of program director nearly six years ago.

And now it's over.

I'm still processing.

.God Alone.

We are rejoicing today as it has been made official that Jim is a candidate for an associate pastor position at our home church.

Only God alone could have orchestrated this.

And while we do not know ultimately how this ends; we have high hopes.

We know that right now - in the midst of this uncertainty and even excitement- God is on His throne, and He is God alone.

No matter what that does not change, and He cannot change.

And no matter what we continue to sit safely and securely in the palms of His hands.

The song you hear playing on my blog has been used by God tremendously during this time of uncertainty in our life. Jim has played it over and over on his guitar and we have both audibly and in our hearts sang these words to our God. Sometimes with uncertainty and timidity but always with hope and assurance that those words are truth. I pray that this song will encourage you today in whatever circumstance God has you in. Let the words wash over you and allow the truth to penetrate your heart. We serve an amazing God.

(Scroll down and pause my playlist before watching the music video.)




Psalm 86:10 "For you are great and do wondrous things; you alone are God."

Thank you for your prayers and for continuing to walk this journey with us.

.Our Faith Story Continued.

I need to continue our story. God keeps prodding me. I think He wants me to see clearly how in the past He was there in uncertain times, and this time is no different. How easily I forget. This has been a rough week for me. I have been battling a lot of fear and doubt and even anger. I have confessed it to God and to my husband. It's still a battle and a constant need for surrender on my part.

For new readers, my husband and I have been led out of our current ministry at a Christian childrens' camp, and into pursuing a pastorate. Jim was the Program Director of the camp, and we have been with them for over five years. This is a huge step of faith for us, as Jim's last day at camp is January 31st, and we have absolutely nothing that is certain for us to jump into after his position at camp ends.

If you are interested in catching up on our story click on the following links:
Once Upon A Time
Our Total Money Makeover
I Don't know how the Story Ends
At This Point in Time
Letting it All Hang Out

.....Here we were two Bible college graduates. One lacking a heart for people, and one being too concerned about what others might think to take the time and effort to truly care about people, and we thought we were ready for ministry.

God had other plans and other chapters to write. Our story had just begun.

We got married the summer before Jim's senior year of college. Jim worked two jobs and went to school. He worked as a truck loader at UPS, and then in the call center for a running company. I also worked in the call center of the running company until January, when I was hired to take over teaching a second grade class in a small Christian school. The former teacher was leaving to have her baby. I hated most every minute of working at the running company. For one thing I hate talking on the phone. Partly because I have a very little voice that sounds young. (I get phone calls from telemarketers asking to speak to my mommy!) So I would feel dumb answering the phone for a company and having the customers think I was 12 or something. I am not confrontational, and I hated the really nasty, mean customers - they gave me belly aches. Plus (at the time) I did not know anything about running! I liked some of the people I worked with, though. Some of them were a bit "rough around the edges", but they all liked me for reasons beyond me. I can see clearly now how God used this short time to help me to learn how to develop relationships with people very different from myself. However, needless to say, I was much happier when I was finished with that job and got into a classroom.

Jim, although he didn't love the job either, excelled, and quickly moved up to a catalog manager. He was able to leave UPS and solely work at the running company. He even learned a little bit from the web design guy about website building and designing, and enjoyed playing with what he learned in his free time. We would shortly see this as the hand of God in Jim's life, even though we had no idea at the time. During the two years that we were there (we stuck around one more year after Jim graduated) we also attended the church associated with the school I worked at. We really loved it at first. We loved the young married couples Sunday School class and small group. We learned so much through it. After about a year of attending we were approached to take on some leadership positions within the Sunday School class and the small groups. We were excited. This would be our first ministry as husband and wife! However, after only a few months involved in leadership things went sour. I am not here to condemn the church or the ministry, and still value many of the things we gained, so I will not go into details. We were hurt, though, and quickly stepped out of leadership. We even struggled with attending church for a bit. We knew this was wrong, and we sought God's guidance as to what to do. Technically, we were required to attend that church since I taught at the school there, but we were able to work around that with the school board.

One day while speaking with Jim's Mom on the phone, we learned of a home church that was just starting up about 45 minutes from where we were living. They were looking for a interim type pastor. Jim and I were intrigued. We met with the founders and fell in love with the sweet older couple, and the feeling was mutual. They had turned a garage on their property into a little church building. We were invited to join them on Sundays, and after attending a few weeks, Jim was invited to preach. This church was like nothing we have ever been a part of before. It was small for one thing - only a handful of families, but it was so authentic and the people were so loving and kind and welcoming. Jim and another college guy were chosen to rotate Sundays preaching. Jim gained excellent experience preparing and preaching sermons, and being completely involved in "doing" church. He was starting to see the pastorate as more than just preaching, but rather as the relational "thing" that God intended it to be. While we loved this little church and the people of that church dearly, we also longed to move closer to family.

By now Jim really was not enjoying his job at the running store, the politics had gotten bad, and some very questionable things were going on in the management - which was run by Christians. Plus we just had such a burden to jump into ministry. We didn't think we were ready for the pastorate yet, though. Through praying about this desire, God brought to mind that Christian camp that we had both worked at and met at. We learned of an internship position opening, and we jumped on it. This meant we could move closer to our families! After applying for the position and accepting the position, Jim told the owner of the running store that he would be leaving in three months to pursue ministry. The owner congratulated Jim and assured him that he could work up until the day he needed to move. We were so relieved that God was allowing everything to work out!

Some time later, Jim got called in for a meeting and was told that the company was going through a financial crisis, and that he was being laid off. We were devastated; especially after having the owner's word. We could not pay our bills based on my salary as a Christian school teacher alone, and who would hire Jim for just three months?

What was ahead could only have been orchestrated by the hand of God. Looking back His fingerprints are all over this story, and I cannot believe I ever doubted Him. Yet here I sit today having to push many of the same doubts out of my mind. Oh, how quickly I forget.

More to come.

.Letting it All Hang Out.

Not really a good day.

Just being honest.

Battling a lot of fear today. Fear of the unknown.

Just wanting an answer for our lives. Just wanting to know, will we be packing up our home? Will we be moving? Should I just wait to put away the Christmas decor, and do it with the other packing if we do move??

I don't feel like relying on God, on waiting for His time. I want answers, now.

Trying to be strong and positive,

for my husband,

my children,

my friends,

my parents (my mom came crying through the door this morning saying she could not even imagine us moving away {gulp}).

I don't feel like being positive, encouraging, or faithful today. I want to curl up in bed with the covers pulled tightly over my head and cry like a baby.

As worried and anxious as I am, I HATE, HATE, HATE seeing those I love worried or anxious.

I can NOT handle this today.

I can not, not, not.

BUT HE can, He will carry me through today and the next and the next.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." I Peter 5:7

Drying my eyes, picking my chin up, and laying this at His feet. Again.

.At This Point in Time.

Some moments lately have found me feeling like this on the inside. (Okay, okay, a little bit on the outside, too!)



I feel much like this at times, crying with one eye peaking out...

"God, are you still there? Do you see how I am feeling?! Do you not see what you are asking our family to grow through? This is too much. God, where are you?"

Someone called us brave recently for what we are doing (leaving our present ministry for an unknown future ministry that God has not shared with us yet).

Somedays it doesn't feel brave.

I certainly have never been called brave in my life. Being brave is not in my character.

Some people have been calling us crazy to completely give up security in our ministry position with absolutely nothing to fall back on.

Somedays, a lot of days, actually, it feels pretty crazy.


Jim and I go back and forth with our "good" days and "bad" days. God has been gracious. So far we have not both encountered a "bad" day simultaneously. Jim has been right by my side on the days when my heart is so consumed with fear that I am almost paralyzed with it and most definitely consumed by it. He speaks words of Truth to my timid spirit, holds my hand, strokes my hair, and reminds me that we are in this together.

I'm not as good at that on Jim's "bad" days. His "bad" days make me nervous. I need him to be my rock, but he needs me to accept the fact that he cannot be - only Christ can. Jim needs me to allow him to be human and scared. And that is hard, but even in this God is growing me. I wonder why God chose Jim and I at this moment to stretch and grow like this?

Regardless of how this post sounds, today is not a "bad" day. I am learning that each day I have to once again surrender my will, my fear, my anxiety, my clouded thoughts over to God. It's not easy, and it is a conscious effort - it doesn't just happen for me. As I sit hear in my quiet kitchen, though my heart was calm today, I can feel the fear starting to rise up, the panic trying to bob to surface. I am trying to take captive those paralyzing thoughts and cling to truth.



2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and love, and a sound mind."

Psalm 91:15-16: "He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him, and show him my salvation."



Again I want to thank you for your prayers for our family, for your encouraging comments and sweet emails. They have truly been a blessing, and God has used you to comfort and encourage us in this journey. I will continue with our faith story soon, as God has laid it heavy on my heart to share how we have gotten to this point.

However for now I want to catch you up to speed - briefly - on what is going on.

As I mentioned Jim is finished with camp on January 31st. So where does that leave us? That's a good question! We are continuing to rely on God and beseech him to make clear the plans He has for us. Our home church, is actually considering Jim as a candidate for a pastoral position. Nothing is set-in-stone with that, and we have no reason to believe that he will or will not get this ministry position. Finances at the church are very tight, this would have to be a complete God thing for it to work out. And we know it can, if that is where God wants us. We know that God works in impossible situations. This is where we want to be, but even more than that we want to be where God wants us. Though this is true, it is hard, too. Neither of us wants to move. This is the town and church I grew up in. We just purchased a home here three years ago. Our families are here, and our very best friends are but three miles away. We know that it is a very real possibility that God is moving us on and asking us to give this up, and we are willing - not wanting, but willing.

Jim has placed some phone calls about other pastoral positions in our state - nothing looks promising as the openings that we heard of are not full time. Now we begin the search outside of our state. We continue to pursue and pray for this position at our home church, yet we also feel that with how crunched our time is, we need to be pursuing other ministries. We know God is calling Jim to be a pastor. It is a blessing to know this with such certainty, and we pray for the place to be revealed to us that Jim is to pastor at. That is where we are in this process. I still am in a little disbelief over how we got from finishing up another summer at camp to where we are today - with the possibility of having to box up our home and move to who-knows-where and start again, but I am believing that He is doing a good work in us. I am just anxious to find out how our story ends.

.I Don't Know How the Story Ends.

I am not really sure what to call this period in our life. It is definitely a stretching and growing of our faith, so I think I will stick with that: our faith story.

To catch up read here and here and here.

I am not sure where to start, how to untangle the plot to share how it has gotten to the climax we are facing today. I wasn't sure if I should share, but God has been impressing upon my heart that it's important that I do. Maybe He wants me to write it out, so that I can once again see for myself His gentle hand clutching ours and drawing us along. Or maybe He wants me to share because someone out there in this big blogosphere needs to hear our story. I don't really know, but tonight in the solitude of my home, while my children soundly sleep and my husband is away at one of his very last camp retreats, I am compelled to, at the very least, begin our story.

I think one of the hardest parts of all of this for me is not knowing the ending. As a child, an avid reader for almost as long as I can remember, I always had to know the ending of a story. I had to see that it would work out and be a happy ending, before I could bare to read the turmoil and heartache that the story's characters would have to face in order to get to their happy ending. I'm still like that with novels at times - I just have to take a peak at that final chapter. I just have to know how the story ends. Sometimes it isn't happy, and sometimes I prefer to read a more realistic story that ends unresolved rather than neatly tied in a bow, but I am not certain that is an option I want to consider for our ending.

And this time, with a story so personal - with our story, I have no idea how it ends. Will we get to the happy ending? And if so, what will the cost be along the way?

I guess I need to back up and start at the beginning. It's pretty simple, but even going back to the first chapter, I can now see how the threads have weaved together this tapestry of our life. Because way back at the beginning, the very first page opened to the very same camp that Jim resigned from on Monday. It was the summer of 97. He was 16, I was 17, just kids -both of us on support staff for a summer at a Christian camp. I cleaned toilets and scrubbed showers, he cleaned dishes and scrubbed pots and pans. We fell in love in the Snack Shack over Gobstoppers and Tootsie Rolls, and from that summer on our stories started to intertwine and weave into one story.

We went on to college. The same Bible college. Jim wanted to be a pastor. We talked of it and we dreamed of it. But Jim was a different person then - young, naive, and without a heart for people. (He admits this, and would be the first to share this, and because it is now my story to share too, I do so without reservation.) He cared more about a person's intellect than about a person. My husband, who would readily say this then, but is much, much humbler and broken in this area now, is a very intelligent man. He poured his life into his studies in college, and for a big part, this was to his advantage. He still retains so much of the Greek, Hebrew, and theology classes that he so loved. His head was so very ready to be a pastor, he had so much of the knowledge that would be key in that role. But Jim's heart wasn't there. He struggled with arrogance and with being able to relate to people on a personal level.

Before you think I am being rather tough on my dear husband, please know that I was a far cry from being ready to be a Pastor's wife. I was timid and shy. The thought of being a mentor, a discipler to other women, or even opening our home to people was enough to put me in a panic. I didn't like having many friends. I always wanted and needed one semi-close friend, but even then it was a lot of effort to be transparent and I seldom was. More friends would be too much work, too much would be required of me. (I still struggle and battle this even to this day, just not to quite the same extent.) I didn't want to open myself up to a lot of people, to develop relationships with them. I always feared what others would think of me, that I didn't quite measure up. I was never the popular one, the smart one. I wasn't a conversationalist. I would rather study people, watch and be alone than make myself vulnerable and develop real relationships with them. And that manipulative, control that I spoke of here was beginning to take root in my heart. Even before we were married (we were married the summer before Jim's senior year of college) I was already using my words to manipulate my desires into our relationship.

Here we were two Bible college graduates. One lacking a heart for people, and one being too concerned about what others might think to take the time and effort to truly care about people, and we thought we were ready for ministry.

God had other plans and other chapters to write. Our story had just begun.

.Our Total Money Makeover.

Jim and I received Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover
for Christmas this year. We had heard a few friends talk highly of him, and we wanted to see what the talk was all about. After reading the book, we talked and decided that we would pursue this "total money makeover" in an effort to be completely free of debt. His concepts are simple, forthright, bold - logical. Don't borrow money. Ever. Don't spend more than you have. Live within your means. He then breaks everything down into baby steps.

The first step is to build up an emergency fund of $1000, or get it out of your bank. The money has to be liquid, but it shouldn't be so available that you are tempted to use/abuse it. We also had to sit down and write out a monthly budget (we had always tried to do a yearly budget - the monthly budget makes so much more sense!) and an allocated spending plan for this week. So basically, we will sit down every week and plan out - to the penny - how that week's paycheck will be spent before we ever receive it. We will also sit down once a month to work out the monthly budget. So far it has worked pretty well, although Jim had to put an extra $15 of gas in the van that we had not planned on. So we will need to do better with that next week. It is hard to know exactly how much gas he will need during any given week.It was nice to be able to complete step one.

(Oh, and can you guess where our budget and spending plan is located?? My visual homemaking journal! LOVE it!!)

The first part of the second step is to cut up all credit cards {gulp}. We completed that too. I knew this was the right thing, but this was scary for me. All of those what-ifs swirled in my head. What if the van breaks down? What if our heater breaks? What if, what if, what if? And we have even had family members question the wisdom of this. (According to Dave Ramsey, that means we are on the right track! {grin}) So we trust that God will honor our decision and take care of our needs. The next part of step two is to pay off all debt (besides the mortgage).

We are blessed to not have too much. We do have some credit card debt - foolish decisions, and mismanaged money accrued debt. We also just took out our very first loan for a vehicle this summer. After reading the book, I realize how very foolish this was! So we are now praying and discussing whether or not we should keep the van. That is the extent of our debt, excluding the mortgage. We are hoping to get it all paid off by this time next year, and much sooner if we decide to sell the van. Dave Ramsey calls his debt pay-off plan the "debt snowball". He gives specifics in his book as to how to put these into effect.

After step two you proceed to the next step which involves building up a big emergency fund, etc. I have read through all of the steps, but am most familiar with the ones we are working through right now. I am very excited to get our finances in a good spot. Dave Ramsey's ideas are not new and he admits that whole-heartedly. It's basic financial common-sense, but he presents a way to do it in such a practical, manageable way, that I am truly excited for the challenge.

Dave spoke in his book how after a family decides to do the makeover, they will be thrown some huge road blocks. This happened to us two days after committing our finances over to God and starting this makeover. Jim found out on Monday that his last day of camp would be January 31st, when he was hoping for something more like the end of April. (Let me be very clear, that we are not upset or bitter about this. It makes perfect financial sense for the camp.) Scary, as we have no idea exactly (we have maybe a hint) what God has in store for us next (more on that in future posts). So the pay checks stop coming the end of January, and only God knows exactly how we are going to be provided for. I am not going to lie. I freaked out for a few hours, cried, was terrified, tried to grab back those reigns of control that I spoke of in my previous post, thought about grabbing those cut up credit cards and piece them back together, and then a peace that passes all understanding flooded my heart and my soul. Why would I freak out or put my trust in a piece of plastic when the God of the Universe was still on His throne and none of this came as a surprise to Him?? And I can honestly say the fear is gone. I don't know what the next month holds or even this year, but God does. And so I am resting completely in the knowledge that He knows, and that I don't HAVE to!

So this is where our journey to financial freedom starts. I hope to post more about it as our journey continues.

This is also where are faith story continues - I gave you some brief details of how it came to a head in my post the other day. I look forward to unfolding more of our story in the days to come. I still don't know how it ends. Goodness, I don't even know the title to the next chapter, but I know it will be brilliantly written by the pen of the Author of our story, which is ultimately His story.