.What I am so Desperate For.

Two heavy posts in two days. This is when I start losing readers and gaining heated emails. Here is my disclaimer - this post is not targeted at anybody but myself. It is okay to skip over this post. Sometimes I write to remember and sometimes I write to process. Today I am writing to process. I haven't come to any solid conclusions. I am wrestling in this right now.

Romans 7:15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.



This is me. I continue to stand still - doing the things I hate. Seeking after possessions and things. Ignoring what God has called me to

This has been the me that I have been fighting against for over a year now.

My complacency was challenged a year ago through various godly authors of books heavily laden with Biblical counsel and Scripture passages. It's hard for me to deny the truth when it is matched with the Word of God. And these men did just that. My gut, my heart, my spirit knows that what they are saying is Truth from God's Word, and that it should be evoking me to unconditional surrender of everything. My faith, my life should be audacious - yes, even as just a stay-at-home mommy in this season of my life.

But

This truth is so, so counter culture, and not just North American culture, but what has really knocked the wind out of me is that it is probably just as counter {most} Christian North American culture.

Goodness, it is counter culture me. It is so counter culture me.

I am not anti-America. I am really not. But I am not pro-America either. I am thankful and grateful to have grown up in a country with so many freedoms - especially freedom to believe and worship the way I want to. I have a hard time being thankful for the wealth here in America, though. And truly I am filthy rich. I am the rich young ruler and all of the other rich characters that Jesus mentioned in the New Testament. Sometimes I wonder if this wealth here in our country is as much of a blessing as I have been taught it is. Sometimes I wonder if it is actually a curse. A curse keeping me chained to a life of complacency and eyes closed to the requirements of the gospel. It would be easier for me to obey without all of the stuff that distracts me - even good stuff.

I know what God is calling me to, but I am comfortable and safe and cozy. And why wouldn't God want that for me? Or so I used to think. But the truth is I have grown up isolated from the world - the whole world, and surrounded by cushions that completely deafen me to the screams of those dieing and going to hell. I wonder what would happen if my allegiance was entirely to God, His Son, and the spreading of His gospel? Would I look different than I do now? Would my life?

I want to hold my personal comfortableness lightly and be quick and ready to do whatever God calls me to do, to go wherever God calls me to go. My responsibility is to God alone. I do not answer to the church, to other believers, to my parents, or to friends.

But I haven't really made the plunge yet.

I have copped out over and over and said that my role is here in my home with my children - with my family, and that is true - but only partly. Simply because I am a believer I am called to be a disciple of Jesus. Yes, I am a mom, but overarching even that is the fact that I am called to be a disciple. This calling is not just for super Christians - missionaries, deacons, pastors - it is for me - a mom.

This calling is extremely precise and yes, radical.

Here are just a few examples of what God is calling me to as His disciple.

Matthew 16:24-26 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?

1 John 2:4-6 If someone claims, “I know him well!” but doesn’t keep his commandments, he’s obviously a liar. His life doesn’t match his words. But the one who keeps God’s word is the person in whom we see God’s mature love. This is the only way to be sure we’re in God. Anyone who claims to be intimate with God ought to live the same kind of life Jesus lived.

I Corinthians 11:1 And you should imitate me, just as I imitate Christ.

Luke 14:25-35 Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, ‘This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’
“Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.
“Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out. “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.”

My citizenship is not here - in America or anywhere on this earth. My citizenship is in heaven, yet I continue to live like it is here. I am just an average Jane, but I believe that this is my normal duty and only because I claim the name of Jesus.

I am desperate to be motivated by the gospel and not guilt.

I am desperate to live out what God is calling me to without fear of looking like a weirdo to my brothers and sisters in Christ. Sadly I am more concerned about this, as I am supposed to look like a weirdo to the unbelievers.

Someday I will stand before God and give an account. I am desperate for that to resonate and manifest itself in my life. I want to hear the Word and obey it - no questions asked. I want to be transformed by God's Word. I want to believe that God is superior to all of the stuff the world has to offer.

And yet here I sit. I am desperate for all of this, and yet I have not abandoned the comfortable. This is not a post looking for sympathy or platitudes. I don't want comments on how I am being hard on myself. I am not. Jesus sacrificed it all, and I am told to follow His example. I do not think I am being hard on myself at all. Yes, His grace is wonderful and beautiful and covers me, but I was still called to be His disciple.

I am not my own. I belong to Another. I am accountable to Him, and He is gracious and just.

I know that God promises abundant life in Him, but what if I have redefined abundant life here in our American culture? What if abundant life is sacrificing it all? What if that abundant life that Jesus was talking about is actually our eternal life - which is certainly abundant? What if abundant life is not about our time on earth, health, prosperity, possessions, happiness, family, or occupation?

What if the abundant life we were promised looks radically different?

I met a man in Ethiopia, Bisrat (Bizzy). We had the privilege of breaking bread with him along side our friends Jo and Steve. Bizzy is a modern day Paul. This man was in a monastery living a false religion for years. One day a stranger came and shared the gospel with him. Bizzy heard the truth and accepted it. Because of this he was tortured and beaten. He was tied to the top of a car, and he experienced things that I cannot fathom here in my sterile world. Bizzy was left for dead, but God spared his life and he survived. He is doing tremendous things for the sake of the gospel. He has nothing compared to what we have - literally nothing. But with sparkling brown eyes, he looked at us all sitting around that table and told us that he has it all because he has Jesus. He said that if everything was taken away from him - everything - he would still be rich.

And that is what I am so desperate for.

.Sleepy.

I have a lot on my mind - in my heart. I have some exciting things to share, but I just cannot quite yet. These are the strangest days of my life thus far. I didn't say hardest - those were the days Cadi was in the NICU, but definitely these are the strangest. God is doing such big things in our heart and life, and I am having trouble articulating them - here, on paper, out loud.


(Cadi about nine months - looks like Scotty, huh?!)

I haven't slept well in months, literally months. It's wearing me out, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I lay in bed for hours at night and just pray for sleep to come. I am exhausted, and yet I cannot sleep. I don't feel as if I am going to bed worrying. I have entrusted this phase of our life over to God and surrendered it over and over again. I feel {mostly} at peace, but yet I cannot sleep. When I do finally fall asleep, it is not restful, and I wake easily. The past two nights I have awoken completely panic stricken from nightmares. (And the nightmares have absolutely nothing to do with our current situation - they have just been completely random!) I feel exhausted in the morning, but it is easy to get out of bed, because I know I cannot sleep anyway. Although the other morning when Jim left to milk cows at four in the morning (he milks at our best friends' barn one morning a week and in exchange we get the yummiest raw milk ever) I did try to go back to sleep, instead I laid in bed for the next two and a half hours completely frustrated.

The lack of sleep has made me shorter with my children and with my husband, and I do not like that. I have little patience, little energy, little ambition. I am not a good mommy, good wife, good friend right now. The lack of sleep has made me so tired during the day that I have been drinking way too much coffee and consuming way too many calories, in an effort to feel awake. Thankfully the past two weeks, I have reigned in the calorie consumption and gotten into a good running rhythm again. I thought the running might help me sleep, too, but nope, not one bit.

I'm at a loss. I walk around in a fog, so tired with a dull headache most days. I don't want to go anywhere or see anybody because the thought makes me even more exhausted. I know I just need to continually give this over to God. I am also looking for some natural remedies. My mom has insomnia problems and swears by warm milk and a banana right before bed. Jim laughed about that and said that there was nothing like consuming half your days calories right before bed! Ha! I haven't tried either yet, but I am almost to that point. Do you have any ideas that might help me? Have you ever struggled with this? I know God is using this to draw me closer to Himself, and in ways it is working. He has brought to mind a lot of different people for me to pray for as I try to fall asleep each night. But I would really like a break, and some sleep. Tonight. Please.

"But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed"

.Our Faith Story Continued.

I need to continue our story. God keeps prodding me. I think He wants me to see clearly how in the past He was there in uncertain times, and this time is no different. How easily I forget. This has been a rough week for me. I have been battling a lot of fear and doubt and even anger. I have confessed it to God and to my husband. It's still a battle and a constant need for surrender on my part.

For new readers, my husband and I have been led out of our current ministry at a Christian childrens' camp, and into pursuing a pastorate. Jim was the Program Director of the camp, and we have been with them for over five years. This is a huge step of faith for us, as Jim's last day at camp is January 31st, and we have absolutely nothing that is certain for us to jump into after his position at camp ends.

If you are interested in catching up on our story click on the following links:
Once Upon A Time
Our Total Money Makeover
I Don't know how the Story Ends
At This Point in Time
Letting it All Hang Out

.....Here we were two Bible college graduates. One lacking a heart for people, and one being too concerned about what others might think to take the time and effort to truly care about people, and we thought we were ready for ministry.

God had other plans and other chapters to write. Our story had just begun.

We got married the summer before Jim's senior year of college. Jim worked two jobs and went to school. He worked as a truck loader at UPS, and then in the call center for a running company. I also worked in the call center of the running company until January, when I was hired to take over teaching a second grade class in a small Christian school. The former teacher was leaving to have her baby. I hated most every minute of working at the running company. For one thing I hate talking on the phone. Partly because I have a very little voice that sounds young. (I get phone calls from telemarketers asking to speak to my mommy!) So I would feel dumb answering the phone for a company and having the customers think I was 12 or something. I am not confrontational, and I hated the really nasty, mean customers - they gave me belly aches. Plus (at the time) I did not know anything about running! I liked some of the people I worked with, though. Some of them were a bit "rough around the edges", but they all liked me for reasons beyond me. I can see clearly now how God used this short time to help me to learn how to develop relationships with people very different from myself. However, needless to say, I was much happier when I was finished with that job and got into a classroom.

Jim, although he didn't love the job either, excelled, and quickly moved up to a catalog manager. He was able to leave UPS and solely work at the running company. He even learned a little bit from the web design guy about website building and designing, and enjoyed playing with what he learned in his free time. We would shortly see this as the hand of God in Jim's life, even though we had no idea at the time. During the two years that we were there (we stuck around one more year after Jim graduated) we also attended the church associated with the school I worked at. We really loved it at first. We loved the young married couples Sunday School class and small group. We learned so much through it. After about a year of attending we were approached to take on some leadership positions within the Sunday School class and the small groups. We were excited. This would be our first ministry as husband and wife! However, after only a few months involved in leadership things went sour. I am not here to condemn the church or the ministry, and still value many of the things we gained, so I will not go into details. We were hurt, though, and quickly stepped out of leadership. We even struggled with attending church for a bit. We knew this was wrong, and we sought God's guidance as to what to do. Technically, we were required to attend that church since I taught at the school there, but we were able to work around that with the school board.

One day while speaking with Jim's Mom on the phone, we learned of a home church that was just starting up about 45 minutes from where we were living. They were looking for a interim type pastor. Jim and I were intrigued. We met with the founders and fell in love with the sweet older couple, and the feeling was mutual. They had turned a garage on their property into a little church building. We were invited to join them on Sundays, and after attending a few weeks, Jim was invited to preach. This church was like nothing we have ever been a part of before. It was small for one thing - only a handful of families, but it was so authentic and the people were so loving and kind and welcoming. Jim and another college guy were chosen to rotate Sundays preaching. Jim gained excellent experience preparing and preaching sermons, and being completely involved in "doing" church. He was starting to see the pastorate as more than just preaching, but rather as the relational "thing" that God intended it to be. While we loved this little church and the people of that church dearly, we also longed to move closer to family.

By now Jim really was not enjoying his job at the running store, the politics had gotten bad, and some very questionable things were going on in the management - which was run by Christians. Plus we just had such a burden to jump into ministry. We didn't think we were ready for the pastorate yet, though. Through praying about this desire, God brought to mind that Christian camp that we had both worked at and met at. We learned of an internship position opening, and we jumped on it. This meant we could move closer to our families! After applying for the position and accepting the position, Jim told the owner of the running store that he would be leaving in three months to pursue ministry. The owner congratulated Jim and assured him that he could work up until the day he needed to move. We were so relieved that God was allowing everything to work out!

Some time later, Jim got called in for a meeting and was told that the company was going through a financial crisis, and that he was being laid off. We were devastated; especially after having the owner's word. We could not pay our bills based on my salary as a Christian school teacher alone, and who would hire Jim for just three months?

What was ahead could only have been orchestrated by the hand of God. Looking back His fingerprints are all over this story, and I cannot believe I ever doubted Him. Yet here I sit today having to push many of the same doubts out of my mind. Oh, how quickly I forget.

More to come.

.At This Point in Time.

Some moments lately have found me feeling like this on the inside. (Okay, okay, a little bit on the outside, too!)



I feel much like this at times, crying with one eye peaking out...

"God, are you still there? Do you see how I am feeling?! Do you not see what you are asking our family to grow through? This is too much. God, where are you?"

Someone called us brave recently for what we are doing (leaving our present ministry for an unknown future ministry that God has not shared with us yet).

Somedays it doesn't feel brave.

I certainly have never been called brave in my life. Being brave is not in my character.

Some people have been calling us crazy to completely give up security in our ministry position with absolutely nothing to fall back on.

Somedays, a lot of days, actually, it feels pretty crazy.


Jim and I go back and forth with our "good" days and "bad" days. God has been gracious. So far we have not both encountered a "bad" day simultaneously. Jim has been right by my side on the days when my heart is so consumed with fear that I am almost paralyzed with it and most definitely consumed by it. He speaks words of Truth to my timid spirit, holds my hand, strokes my hair, and reminds me that we are in this together.

I'm not as good at that on Jim's "bad" days. His "bad" days make me nervous. I need him to be my rock, but he needs me to accept the fact that he cannot be - only Christ can. Jim needs me to allow him to be human and scared. And that is hard, but even in this God is growing me. I wonder why God chose Jim and I at this moment to stretch and grow like this?

Regardless of how this post sounds, today is not a "bad" day. I am learning that each day I have to once again surrender my will, my fear, my anxiety, my clouded thoughts over to God. It's not easy, and it is a conscious effort - it doesn't just happen for me. As I sit hear in my quiet kitchen, though my heart was calm today, I can feel the fear starting to rise up, the panic trying to bob to surface. I am trying to take captive those paralyzing thoughts and cling to truth.



2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and love, and a sound mind."

Psalm 91:15-16: "He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him, and show him my salvation."



Again I want to thank you for your prayers for our family, for your encouraging comments and sweet emails. They have truly been a blessing, and God has used you to comfort and encourage us in this journey. I will continue with our faith story soon, as God has laid it heavy on my heart to share how we have gotten to this point.

However for now I want to catch you up to speed - briefly - on what is going on.

As I mentioned Jim is finished with camp on January 31st. So where does that leave us? That's a good question! We are continuing to rely on God and beseech him to make clear the plans He has for us. Our home church, is actually considering Jim as a candidate for a pastoral position. Nothing is set-in-stone with that, and we have no reason to believe that he will or will not get this ministry position. Finances at the church are very tight, this would have to be a complete God thing for it to work out. And we know it can, if that is where God wants us. We know that God works in impossible situations. This is where we want to be, but even more than that we want to be where God wants us. Though this is true, it is hard, too. Neither of us wants to move. This is the town and church I grew up in. We just purchased a home here three years ago. Our families are here, and our very best friends are but three miles away. We know that it is a very real possibility that God is moving us on and asking us to give this up, and we are willing - not wanting, but willing.

Jim has placed some phone calls about other pastoral positions in our state - nothing looks promising as the openings that we heard of are not full time. Now we begin the search outside of our state. We continue to pursue and pray for this position at our home church, yet we also feel that with how crunched our time is, we need to be pursuing other ministries. We know God is calling Jim to be a pastor. It is a blessing to know this with such certainty, and we pray for the place to be revealed to us that Jim is to pastor at. That is where we are in this process. I still am in a little disbelief over how we got from finishing up another summer at camp to where we are today - with the possibility of having to box up our home and move to who-knows-where and start again, but I am believing that He is doing a good work in us. I am just anxious to find out how our story ends.

.Our Total Money Makeover.

Jim and I received Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover
for Christmas this year. We had heard a few friends talk highly of him, and we wanted to see what the talk was all about. After reading the book, we talked and decided that we would pursue this "total money makeover" in an effort to be completely free of debt. His concepts are simple, forthright, bold - logical. Don't borrow money. Ever. Don't spend more than you have. Live within your means. He then breaks everything down into baby steps.

The first step is to build up an emergency fund of $1000, or get it out of your bank. The money has to be liquid, but it shouldn't be so available that you are tempted to use/abuse it. We also had to sit down and write out a monthly budget (we had always tried to do a yearly budget - the monthly budget makes so much more sense!) and an allocated spending plan for this week. So basically, we will sit down every week and plan out - to the penny - how that week's paycheck will be spent before we ever receive it. We will also sit down once a month to work out the monthly budget. So far it has worked pretty well, although Jim had to put an extra $15 of gas in the van that we had not planned on. So we will need to do better with that next week. It is hard to know exactly how much gas he will need during any given week.It was nice to be able to complete step one.

(Oh, and can you guess where our budget and spending plan is located?? My visual homemaking journal! LOVE it!!)

The first part of the second step is to cut up all credit cards {gulp}. We completed that too. I knew this was the right thing, but this was scary for me. All of those what-ifs swirled in my head. What if the van breaks down? What if our heater breaks? What if, what if, what if? And we have even had family members question the wisdom of this. (According to Dave Ramsey, that means we are on the right track! {grin}) So we trust that God will honor our decision and take care of our needs. The next part of step two is to pay off all debt (besides the mortgage).

We are blessed to not have too much. We do have some credit card debt - foolish decisions, and mismanaged money accrued debt. We also just took out our very first loan for a vehicle this summer. After reading the book, I realize how very foolish this was! So we are now praying and discussing whether or not we should keep the van. That is the extent of our debt, excluding the mortgage. We are hoping to get it all paid off by this time next year, and much sooner if we decide to sell the van. Dave Ramsey calls his debt pay-off plan the "debt snowball". He gives specifics in his book as to how to put these into effect.

After step two you proceed to the next step which involves building up a big emergency fund, etc. I have read through all of the steps, but am most familiar with the ones we are working through right now. I am very excited to get our finances in a good spot. Dave Ramsey's ideas are not new and he admits that whole-heartedly. It's basic financial common-sense, but he presents a way to do it in such a practical, manageable way, that I am truly excited for the challenge.

Dave spoke in his book how after a family decides to do the makeover, they will be thrown some huge road blocks. This happened to us two days after committing our finances over to God and starting this makeover. Jim found out on Monday that his last day of camp would be January 31st, when he was hoping for something more like the end of April. (Let me be very clear, that we are not upset or bitter about this. It makes perfect financial sense for the camp.) Scary, as we have no idea exactly (we have maybe a hint) what God has in store for us next (more on that in future posts). So the pay checks stop coming the end of January, and only God knows exactly how we are going to be provided for. I am not going to lie. I freaked out for a few hours, cried, was terrified, tried to grab back those reigns of control that I spoke of in my previous post, thought about grabbing those cut up credit cards and piece them back together, and then a peace that passes all understanding flooded my heart and my soul. Why would I freak out or put my trust in a piece of plastic when the God of the Universe was still on His throne and none of this came as a surprise to Him?? And I can honestly say the fear is gone. I don't know what the next month holds or even this year, but God does. And so I am resting completely in the knowledge that He knows, and that I don't HAVE to!

So this is where our journey to financial freedom starts. I hope to post more about it as our journey continues.

This is also where are faith story continues - I gave you some brief details of how it came to a head in my post the other day. I look forward to unfolding more of our story in the days to come. I still don't know how it ends. Goodness, I don't even know the title to the next chapter, but I know it will be brilliantly written by the pen of the Author of our story, which is ultimately His story.

.Once Upon a Time.

....there was a girl who loved a boy and loved his passions and desires. She wanted to follow this boy to the end of the earth if need be, but she also wanted to play it safe.

Not rock the boat.

This girl liked routine,

she liked predictability,

she like stableness.

She found security and comfort in monotony, and she fled from change. She loved God, and desired His will for her life, but she clung with white knuckled fierceness to control of certain aspects of her life, and shamefully even tried to claim the reigns of control in the life of the boy whom she so loved.

The boy on occasion would mention a desire to pursue other passions other ministries. The girl, oh how she would balk, and whimper and whine like the hot-headed toddler child that still reigned in her heart at times. The girl could manipulate the boy with well-thought out words. She knew just what to say to tighten those reigns of control. And the boy, oh how he loved the girl, and wanted what was best for her. So he would back down. Time and time again. Little by little she whittled away at his will, his desires - trying hard to fit them into her safe little mold for their life.

The girl knew that this area of her life needed to be chipped away at. She knew that the control she fought so hard to hang on to was not right. This crazy need to control her life, his life, and everything that revolved around that was so very wrong. The control was not even real. It was imaginary.

She was not in control and could never be in control. She needed to relinquish it over to her Creator, Who was, and always had been - in control.

The girl was terrified of what this might mean. Terrified of really letting go, for probably the first time. Ever. She trembled at the thought of cutting the reigns from her clenched fists, and handing them over. What kind of fool would relinquish control over his life for some unknown future?

This area of control after all had been the girl's security blanket for as long as she could remember.

Don't rock the boat.

Keep going.

Keep plodding.

Resist change - change brings about the unknown, and with the unknown a lack of control. A complete and total surrender of what she had clung to for so long.

And then, what she had been so fearful of for such a long time, happened. Her Father breathed into her heart the voice of Truth - about her need to surrender. The girl crumbled in a heap knowing that the charade was truly over. In order to live like her Creator intended her to live, she had to give up and give over this area of her life.

So broken and humbled the girl admitted to the boy that she could no longer carry on the false pretense of control.

The masquerade was over.

It was time to surrender.

She begged the boy's forgiveness for her manipulative ways, for her stubborn heart, and as the tears rolled over her cheeks she began to feel a peace wash over her, and begin to uncloud her mind and the lies she had told herself.

The boy seemed to have been waiting and praying for a long time for the girl to speak and feel those words.

He held the girl.

And the girl surrendered to the boy's embrace.

And together, for the first time, that boy and that girl free fell into the arms of the One who orchestrated it all.

There was no zip chord.

No parachute.

There was no emergency exit.

Just complete and total reliance in Someone outside of themselves.

Is the girl still scared?

Yes. But for the first time in her life, the girl feels real peace that covers much of the fear and knows the freedom that comes when one surrenders ALL.

... whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple. (Luke 14:33)