.10 Things Your Introverted Pastor's Wife Needs You to Understand Right Now.

I hesitated to piggy back this post off of the last one, being that they are both written about introvertedness, but this has been on my heart for some time. Let me get this out of the way - I really have no authority to write this. I was only a pastor's wife for a blip on the map - just three short years. But I am an introvert through and through, and although my time as a pastor's wife was short, I gained a lot of empathy for other introverted women who are in this role. There is a lot of misunderstanding that swirls around pastors' wives in general, but when coupled with being an introvert, in a church that is likely colored with many extroverts, the perceptions and expectations can be caustic to this poor woman. I have seen a few articles written about introverted pastors, but I have yet to come across anything about introverted pastor's wives, so I am cautiously adding my voice. The church seems full of extroverts, and it seems as if introverts are in the minority, maybe because the extroverts make their presence known so much more. We live in a world where extrovertedness is exalted, but the truth is the world needs both of us. I am guessing that many, many of you reading this actually know (or are) an introverted pastor's wife. This is written for you to better understand her, so that more grace, more mercy, more love, can be poured out over these precious women, so they can realize that there is a place for them in this ministry.

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1. She doesn't hate people. However, being around a lot of people for an extended period of time, i.e. Sunday mornings and church gatherings, is draining. She loves her congregation - just not all at once. Please don't assume that your introverted pastor's wife is simply unfriendly or snobby. This is probably so not the case. Introverts tend to care deeply - very deeply for people. Many of them are intense feelers, and if you talk to a group of them, most will tell you (with tears welling in their eyes) times when they believe they can truly feel someone else's pain. She is most likely very acutely aware of the people around her and the hurts they carry, and she hurts with and for them in a very unique way. She is perceptive and sensitive. What one must understand is that being friendly to so many people, and to have so many people looking on at her as the pastor's wife - to feel completely put on display every time she walks through the church doors is exhausting. Conversations for an introvert need to be meaningful and purposeful, but that does not typically happen on most Sunday mornings. She probably isn't great at small talk - few of us are - and the amount of small talk that is required on a given Sunday can make a grown woman hide in the bathroom stall just for a few moments to breathe and recompose herself (not that I would know this from experience, of course). Sunday morning produces a whole lot of handshaking, hugging, small talk, and interacting with a whole lot of people all at once, and it sucks out every ounce of her energy very quickly. By the end of Sunday morning, she is in need of space to retreat to in order to process and analyze the events of the morning.

2. She needs space. She needs physical space - time, solitude, quiet and the grace to be allowed to withdraw from people and re-energize alone. She craves this. It is how she was wired by her Creator. Sometimes this can be hard in ministry, but it is absolutely vital for an introvert. She also needs space in conversation. What I mean by this is that she needs people to respect the silence. When in conversation with her, it's okay for there to be moments of silence. She has a deep need to process knowledge, and will not come to a snap judgement. An introvert doesn't talk unless she has something to say, and sometimes it takes awhile to come out with what she wants to say. But when given the space, and when you really are quiet and listen to what she has to say, you might be pleasantly surprised to know the deep thoughts going on inside of her head.

3. She most likely will not be the social hub of the congregation. Leading the women's ministries, being "captain hospitality", heading up Bible studies and prayer meetings are most likely not her cup of tea. She {gasp} may not even attend every social event in the church. Yes,she is capable of leading, quietly, unobtrusively, but more organically.She is a reluctant leader, unsure of her abilities. She probably cannot spontaneously lead - not even something small. It may put her in a state of panic to be called out to lead even a break-out prayer group in the middle of prayer meeting. She's not wired that way. Perhaps once in awhile she will lead one of the above, but it will be after months of careful and tedious planning, preparation, thought, precise execution and prayer. It will be exhausting and taxing, and even if she excelled, she will walk away feeling inferior, as if another woman could have done it much better. She is analytical and will always second guess herself.

4. She's not exclusive. Perhaps you are noticing that your pastor's wife seems to only have a small group of intimate friendships. It's a tight, very small circle, and you perceive it as cliquish - especially for a pastor's wife who should be friends with everyone. What you need to understand is that she intensely values people and friendships, but she doesn't make friends easily. She is cautious in relationships. It is hard for an introvert to become vulnerable and let others penetrate her walls. True friendships take a long time and hence are fewer, and because of that the losing of a friendship is particularly painful to an introvert. Losing just one friend can leave a gaping hole in her life. It is so painful that it makes the whole process of making friends even harder the next round. She most likely prefers one-to-one interactions with people, so friendships build at a snail's speed, and this can often times come across as exclusive.

5. She probably doesn't want you to call her on the telephone. I kind of squirm to even type this, because it makes her sound so unfriendly, but go back to number one, she really is not. However, talking on the phone is probably not your introverted pastor's wife's most favorite thing. She probably screens your calls, and not because she is a snob, but to mentally prepare herself for the conversation to come. Many introverts think and respond slowly (we are analytical and purposeful in conversations but sometimes that takes time and space for us to be ready to talk), and let's face it, silence on the telephone is really, really awkward. She probably would much rather a face-to-face conversation over coffee or tea, where she can gather information from your body language, facial cues, etc. and really process through a great conversation. If you have a quick question, email or social media is a fantastic way to connect with her, and even begin to build relationship - writing tends to come easier than speaking.

6. She likes to listen. Maybe you pass her over, because she is so quiet and reserved, finding someone else to open up to. But what you may not know is that your introverted pastor's wife may be one of the best listeners you will ever meet. This is a gift. She may be naturally quiet, and allow you to do the majority of the talking. She will listen intently and empathetically. She processes internally and thoroughly, and will not make snap judgments about you or the subject of your conversation. She may or may not have a lot to contribute to the conversation at this time, although often she is capable of offering wisdom and insight. She likes to develop well-thought-through ideas and responses in private before offering them up to you, so don't be surprised if she comes back to you at a later date with this information. One thing is almost always true, you will walk away from her feeling heard, understood, and loved. Being listened to is a priceless gift in this loud, busy world we live in. Take advantage of this gift.

7. She thrives on serving the Kingdom outside of the limelight. She most likely really enjoys working behind the scenes, organizing details, washing dishes, nurturing the fatherless, making meals for people in need, writing etc. - anything she can do for the Kingdom outside of the limelight. She prefers to work alone and to work quietly without any fanfare. Your introverted pastor's wife's area of service may look very different than the pastor wife image in your head; let it be different. Encourage her to find her unique gifts, callings, and talents inside of the Kingdom. She is so needed. Many introverts are wildly creative, and their creativity is needed both in the Kingdom and in the church. Step back quietly and allow her to nurture that.

8. She has a really hard time saying no. Introverts can feel trapped and backed into a corner when being asked to serve, participate, or obligated to give you an answer right away. This can lead to way too many things on her plate, to feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and frustrated. It also makes it hard for her to do any one thing really well, and this is especially frustrating to an introvert who also has perfectionistic tendencies. When approaching her, give her the specifics for what you are asking from her, and then give her the time and space (remember number 2?!) to respond - even better let her respond to you via email in a few days!

9. She cannot "fix herself" and become an extrovert. God created each of us uniquely. Being an introvert is not a flaw or a weakness in and of itself. Yes, there are weaknesses that introverts gravitate more towards than an extrovert, but extroverts have their own sets of weaknesses as well. Introverts are needed in the church - they bring depth and wisdom and empathy that the church and this world are hungry for. Your church needs your introverted pastor's wife, she was specifically placed in her position by God. She cannot change her personality, and should not be made to feel as if she has to. Rather she needs acceptance, understanding, and grace as you encourage her specific strengths. Strengths that the body needs, just as it needs the strengths of her counterpart - the extrovert. Your introverted pastor's wife is a gift, not a liability. As much as you need your introverted pastor's wife, she in return needs you. She longs to be understood and known, to be accepted and cherished, just as she was created to be.

10. She's not perfect and neither is her husband. Introverted or not your pastor's wife is human. She will mess up. She will disappoint you. And so will her husband. She has hurts, fears, and messes just like you. Pastors and pastor's wives are pulled in so many different directions. The demands and expectations can be insurmountable. She and her husband need your love and encouragement in huge ways. Perhaps your pastor's wife is not typical. Maybe she doesn't fit the mold that you expected her to fit. But the truth is that God knew exactly who He was calling to fill this position in your church. Pray for her, be kind to her, give her grace, and respect the person that God has created her to be.

.If His Grace is An Ocean.

If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking. (David Crowder)

Notice a theme on here lately? Yeah, I am noticing a theme in my life lately - grace. I think God is trying to teach me something. {grin}

God gave me an extra heaping of grace this week. I'm not sure if I can put down in words yet what God is cultivating in my heart. If you are friends with me on facebook, I am sure you could not help but notice my obnoxious postings the past two days about the Verge 2012 Conference that I was blessed to participate in via the world wide web. How amazing that I could listen to some of our generations' greatest speakers and pastors from the comfort of my own home, while doing my mundane house chores. Grace? Yes, indeed, grace.

I didn't realize how parched I had been and needing this - two solid days saturated in the Word of God. How weary and dare I say, discouraged,  Jim and I were becoming in walking this ministry God had led us to. Ministry is not easy - no ministry, whatever it is is easy. It's not supposed to be, though. We were never promised easy. We were actually promised the opposite if we are truly followers of Jesus. How quickly my flesh forgets that and cries out for easy and comfortable again. I needed some refreshment and encouragement, but just as much I needed to be pushed back out of the comfortableness I so easily fall back into. I needed to be convicted and prodded and pushed in my faith again. How easily I become stagnant and forget.

The theme of the conference was missional incarnational ministry and discipleship.I took away a lot from the conference - a lot. My soul is so saturated right now. Anyone who knows my husband and I, knows how much God has used Pastor David Platt in our lives to show us how very blinded we had been to many basic truths of the Gospel. So of course we were excited to listen to him close out the conference last night. Let's just say, David Platt did not disappoint. He wrapped everything up so well, and of course pointed it all back to Jesus. I have literally listened to hundreds of his sermons (my favorite thing to do while my children nap, and I clean) and read his book, so nothing he said was really new. But one thing stood out for me for the very first time (I love how the Holy Spirit does that!). Jim and I have wrestled and wrestled with why God would place a burden on our hearts for global missions, and then just leave us here to stay. The Spirit gently and graciously began showing both of us last night that part of the reason we are here is to mobilize the church globally. David Platt even went as far as to say that if a Pastor is not doing this, that he is not being obedient as a shepherd (And of course like everything he says, it is backed up an inundated by Scripture. That is perhaps what I appreciate about him most.) Wow.

I have a lot more stirring in my heart where that came from, but I just wanted to share a taste of my excitement. I don't want to scare you all away! Although, I am feeling pretty confident in this, so not too much worrying me about what others will think. Grace again! I am excited that through our family and the power of the Spirit in us God might use us to reach our neighbors and our city for Jesus Christ, and I am excited to stand beside my husband as he passionately equips and motivates the church for global discipleship. Until I can wrap the words around my heart, I will leave you with some quotes that resonated in my soul. Forgive me for not recalling the originator of every quote - all came from the conference.

"The health of a church is judged by its sending capacity not its seating capacity."

"Jesus was passionate about the nations, so we should be passionate about the nations." Platt

"Jesus didn't ask the lost sheep if they wanted to come home. We should stop asking permission to preach the Gospel." Ying Kai

"If our people would just learn to make disciples in their context and vocation here, they might get the idea to go and do that elsewhere."

"We are not missional if we are not engaging the unreached among the nations. Lost people are everywhere, but unreached means people with NO access to the Gospel. There are over 6500 unreached people groups. If we [pastors and church leaders] are not mobilizing our people to go to unreached people groups, than we are not being obedient to the Great Commission. If you heart is not breaking for these people, then stop everything and ask God to give you His heart. " Platt

"The Church's focus must be both local and global. Not either/or. It is commanded to be a both/and."

"Ministry begins with, 'come and see', which leads to 'go and tell', which leads to 'come and die'."

"Maybe one of the reasons people in the Church are not making disciples, is because they are not disciples themselves." Platt

I have a lot more where that came from, but those are some of the quotes and thoughts spinning round my mind and entangling themselves into my heart. Such good stuff.

Drowning in the ocean of His grace, that He would choose me to be His disciple, and that I am blessed to be given the opportunity to share the Gospel, to participate in the Great Commission, and to seek out others to become His disciples, so that they may make disciples, and so that all the glory, all the fame, all the renown goes to my great God and King.

.A New Chapter.

I am wondering what tomorrow will hold, as our home church votes on Jim as the associate pastor. I am wondering if this will be our new chapter. We continue to be prayerful and hopeful that it is.

I can remember just like it was yesterday the day that I knew God was calling us out of the camp ministry. It was this fall, October tenth. I will never forget that date. The night before Jim had asked me to pray about the possibility of him going into farming with our best friends! I know - crazy. Looking back now, I can see it was just Jim feeling God's tugging. I was upset that Jim had asked me to do that. I did not want to pray about it. I did not want to leave camp. Camp was safe. We were secure. Jim's job and ministry was secure. I didn't pray about it that night or that morning.

I was scheduled to take a family's photos that Saturday. First, I had to drive to camp and help prepare a lunch for a paintball retreat, though. Jim had left several hours before me, so I drove up alone with my children. I remember about five minutes into my forty five minute drive that I felt God tugging on me to pray. I put a Steve Green's kid's CD in, turned it up, and began to pray out loud. I don't remember the exact words I said, but I remember just pouring my heart out to God. I know I told Him about my fear of leaving camp for the unknown, my fear of letting God truly have control over our life. About fifteen minutes before I got to camp that day, I began to cry. I remember worrying that I would frighten my children who were in the back seat. I was not silently crying, I was sobbing, gasping for air, sniffling - all out crying. I almost pulled over,and for safety reasons I probably should have. However I kept driving - talking out loud to God and crying because I had gotten this overwhelming feeling - rather a knowing - that God was asking us to leave camp, and not only that, but He was asking us to leave soon - before another summer, to step out in faith, to trust Him. He was asking me to stop trying to manipulate our lives, to stop playing it safe. I was fairly certain that God did not have farming in our future. I knew that Jim was gifted in the area of ministry, and that he had not yet been able to use all of his giftedness. I just didn't have any idea at that time what God had in store.

Let me just say, that I have never before had a conversation with God like this. I don't want to come across as all feeling/emotions based, but this was so real. There was absolutely no question in my mind that God was telling us that He was done using us at camp. That morning in the van has revolutionized my prayer life, my walk with God. It was hard. It was amazing.

I pulled on to the camp road with a strange mix of emotions. I remember a peace coming over me, but being terrified of what laid ahead, too. I remember thinking about how I had to tell Jim, but I wasn't quite ready. Because I knew deep in my heart that Jim knew we had to leave camp as well, and once I told him that would be it. We would have to proceed. I worried about the people involved - the people we ministered with at camp and truly loved like family. I did not want to hurt them, but knew that could not stop us from following God. It is no secret that I struggle with fear of man, so I worried about that too - what would people think? What would our parents think, our friends? But I composed myself and I dried my eyes, took a deep breath and parked. I kind of already shared here what happened when I finally worked up the courage to share with Jim my conversation with God. And the rest is history. You dear friends have been walking this journey with us. Thank you.

Now we have come full circle. Tomorrow will be the day. I suppose it will be a new chapter regardless of how the vote goes. I am excited to see what the Author has in store for us. Although, if I am being honest I am ready for the plot twists to settle down - just a bit. {grin}


(Please note: I had to enable the word verification on my comments. I am truly sorry for the inconvenience. I have just been receiving a lot of inappropriate spam the last few weeks.)

.And That's a Wrap.

Jim's candidating Sunday is over. It went well. I thought he did a great job communicating and sharing God's Word and his heart, despite his nerves. The question and answer time last evening went really well, too. Jim handled himself graciously and confidently. I am glad it was not me having to sit up front and answer questions!

So now we sit and wait. The vote will be this coming Sunday after the morning service. I think this will be a long week for us.

I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I didn't really realize it until this morning. I am having trouble communicating and processing my thoughts here, but I wanted to share something as I have gotten so many sweet words of encouragement and prayers. Thank you. I am incredibly grateful and humbled. I promise to get my act together soon. I have a few fun posts up my sleeve for this week. But for now, I am going to (without guilt) go rest on the couch.

.I Don't Know How the Story Ends.

I am not really sure what to call this period in our life. It is definitely a stretching and growing of our faith, so I think I will stick with that: our faith story.

To catch up read here and here and here.

I am not sure where to start, how to untangle the plot to share how it has gotten to the climax we are facing today. I wasn't sure if I should share, but God has been impressing upon my heart that it's important that I do. Maybe He wants me to write it out, so that I can once again see for myself His gentle hand clutching ours and drawing us along. Or maybe He wants me to share because someone out there in this big blogosphere needs to hear our story. I don't really know, but tonight in the solitude of my home, while my children soundly sleep and my husband is away at one of his very last camp retreats, I am compelled to, at the very least, begin our story.

I think one of the hardest parts of all of this for me is not knowing the ending. As a child, an avid reader for almost as long as I can remember, I always had to know the ending of a story. I had to see that it would work out and be a happy ending, before I could bare to read the turmoil and heartache that the story's characters would have to face in order to get to their happy ending. I'm still like that with novels at times - I just have to take a peak at that final chapter. I just have to know how the story ends. Sometimes it isn't happy, and sometimes I prefer to read a more realistic story that ends unresolved rather than neatly tied in a bow, but I am not certain that is an option I want to consider for our ending.

And this time, with a story so personal - with our story, I have no idea how it ends. Will we get to the happy ending? And if so, what will the cost be along the way?

I guess I need to back up and start at the beginning. It's pretty simple, but even going back to the first chapter, I can now see how the threads have weaved together this tapestry of our life. Because way back at the beginning, the very first page opened to the very same camp that Jim resigned from on Monday. It was the summer of 97. He was 16, I was 17, just kids -both of us on support staff for a summer at a Christian camp. I cleaned toilets and scrubbed showers, he cleaned dishes and scrubbed pots and pans. We fell in love in the Snack Shack over Gobstoppers and Tootsie Rolls, and from that summer on our stories started to intertwine and weave into one story.

We went on to college. The same Bible college. Jim wanted to be a pastor. We talked of it and we dreamed of it. But Jim was a different person then - young, naive, and without a heart for people. (He admits this, and would be the first to share this, and because it is now my story to share too, I do so without reservation.) He cared more about a person's intellect than about a person. My husband, who would readily say this then, but is much, much humbler and broken in this area now, is a very intelligent man. He poured his life into his studies in college, and for a big part, this was to his advantage. He still retains so much of the Greek, Hebrew, and theology classes that he so loved. His head was so very ready to be a pastor, he had so much of the knowledge that would be key in that role. But Jim's heart wasn't there. He struggled with arrogance and with being able to relate to people on a personal level.

Before you think I am being rather tough on my dear husband, please know that I was a far cry from being ready to be a Pastor's wife. I was timid and shy. The thought of being a mentor, a discipler to other women, or even opening our home to people was enough to put me in a panic. I didn't like having many friends. I always wanted and needed one semi-close friend, but even then it was a lot of effort to be transparent and I seldom was. More friends would be too much work, too much would be required of me. (I still struggle and battle this even to this day, just not to quite the same extent.) I didn't want to open myself up to a lot of people, to develop relationships with them. I always feared what others would think of me, that I didn't quite measure up. I was never the popular one, the smart one. I wasn't a conversationalist. I would rather study people, watch and be alone than make myself vulnerable and develop real relationships with them. And that manipulative, control that I spoke of here was beginning to take root in my heart. Even before we were married (we were married the summer before Jim's senior year of college) I was already using my words to manipulate my desires into our relationship.

Here we were two Bible college graduates. One lacking a heart for people, and one being too concerned about what others might think to take the time and effort to truly care about people, and we thought we were ready for ministry.

God had other plans and other chapters to write. Our story had just begun.

.Once Upon a Time.

....there was a girl who loved a boy and loved his passions and desires. She wanted to follow this boy to the end of the earth if need be, but she also wanted to play it safe.

Not rock the boat.

This girl liked routine,

she liked predictability,

she like stableness.

She found security and comfort in monotony, and she fled from change. She loved God, and desired His will for her life, but she clung with white knuckled fierceness to control of certain aspects of her life, and shamefully even tried to claim the reigns of control in the life of the boy whom she so loved.

The boy on occasion would mention a desire to pursue other passions other ministries. The girl, oh how she would balk, and whimper and whine like the hot-headed toddler child that still reigned in her heart at times. The girl could manipulate the boy with well-thought out words. She knew just what to say to tighten those reigns of control. And the boy, oh how he loved the girl, and wanted what was best for her. So he would back down. Time and time again. Little by little she whittled away at his will, his desires - trying hard to fit them into her safe little mold for their life.

The girl knew that this area of her life needed to be chipped away at. She knew that the control she fought so hard to hang on to was not right. This crazy need to control her life, his life, and everything that revolved around that was so very wrong. The control was not even real. It was imaginary.

She was not in control and could never be in control. She needed to relinquish it over to her Creator, Who was, and always had been - in control.

The girl was terrified of what this might mean. Terrified of really letting go, for probably the first time. Ever. She trembled at the thought of cutting the reigns from her clenched fists, and handing them over. What kind of fool would relinquish control over his life for some unknown future?

This area of control after all had been the girl's security blanket for as long as she could remember.

Don't rock the boat.

Keep going.

Keep plodding.

Resist change - change brings about the unknown, and with the unknown a lack of control. A complete and total surrender of what she had clung to for so long.

And then, what she had been so fearful of for such a long time, happened. Her Father breathed into her heart the voice of Truth - about her need to surrender. The girl crumbled in a heap knowing that the charade was truly over. In order to live like her Creator intended her to live, she had to give up and give over this area of her life.

So broken and humbled the girl admitted to the boy that she could no longer carry on the false pretense of control.

The masquerade was over.

It was time to surrender.

She begged the boy's forgiveness for her manipulative ways, for her stubborn heart, and as the tears rolled over her cheeks she began to feel a peace wash over her, and begin to uncloud her mind and the lies she had told herself.

The boy seemed to have been waiting and praying for a long time for the girl to speak and feel those words.

He held the girl.

And the girl surrendered to the boy's embrace.

And together, for the first time, that boy and that girl free fell into the arms of the One who orchestrated it all.

There was no zip chord.

No parachute.

There was no emergency exit.

Just complete and total reliance in Someone outside of themselves.

Is the girl still scared?

Yes. But for the first time in her life, the girl feels real peace that covers much of the fear and knows the freedom that comes when one surrenders ALL.

... whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple. (Luke 14:33)

.It's Official.

I have typed and retyped and thought out and rethought out this post, yet I still cannot make it come together.
As of tonight, it is official, my sweet husband has resigned from his camp position. We will be done January 31st.
God has called Jim to be a Pastor.
Scared.
Excited.
Numb.