.Reclaiming the Bride.

I first noticed it and began to understand it when we arrived home from our first trip to Ethiopia in January of 2011. I had been to a culture that wasn't driven by it, and it opened my eyes to my culture which is. Consumerism. We live in a country who is consumed with consuming. It has infiltrated our homes, our churches, our hearts, our lives - and our souls. Everything around us is positioned to help our wants, lusts, and desires to be met and to be met quickly before the next desire surfaces. We grasp for more and better and bigger, and we consume until we are bloated, lethargic shells of what we were created to be. Because it is all futile, fake, and fleeting, and it is never, ever enough. We can point fingers and say it is the world and those without Jesus who have fallen victim, but I dare say that the Church - the Bride - has swallowed consumerism hook, line, and sinker. I will go as far to even say we have amplified it. We cater to the needs of the saved rather then pouring our lives into making disciples. We are afraid to rock the boat - afraid to disgruntle that person who puts a fat check in the plate each Sunday. We grasp for bigger churches, better programs, flashier music, fuller offering plates, brighter billboards and advertisements that have so little to do with Jesus, and in return we exchange our souls for consumerism rather than the abundant life we were promised. Abundant life and consumerism cannot coexist. We sit on our bottoms on plush pews and complain about "not being fed" and "the contemporary music" or "the outdated hymns" and "the teenager worshiping in ripped jeans". We desire comfort and for it to be done "our way" to "our preference", and all the while the world around is dieing to know our Jesus and to know that His followers really are different.

But are we?

Are we really different? Are we really disciples of Jesus? If we attract people to our churches using consumerism, then the only way to keep them there is with consumerism. Or else they will just move on to the church down the road that will meet their needs and desires, and the nasty cycle spirals out of control. I look at the life of Jesus and study His Good News, and this consumerism that we have become enchanted with, is not found there. It is actually antithetical to the invitation that Jesus gives us to follow Him and to spread the news of His Kingdom and His Good News. It is antithetical to Jesus' Gospel. This consumerism is contrary to the teachings of Jesus, the One who beckoned us to deny ourselves and lose our lives in order to find them.

It seems to me in getting sucked into this pit of consumerism we have traded Jesus for a product  - a product that has fed and encouraged consumerism not true discipleship. A product that has just become a band aid, a facade, a mask - offering no real hope or change - because so little in us is changed. I want to erase the marketing, the product that I have helped to create, because I am so much a part of this problem. I want to tear off the band aid and replace it with His healing. I want to rip down the masks and walls and expose the imperfections that show off His perfectness.I want to fight the consumerism and my personal desires and comfort, and strip it all away to Jesus. I want to fall in love with Jesus again - or maybe really for the first time. I want to serve Him, love Him, and make much of Him. And when the programs are not flashy enough, when the offering plates are a little less full, and the music isn't my taste, when the sermon didn't resonate with me like I had hoped it would, and when people let me down, I want to know that all that matters in this world and in the Church is Jesus. I want to be captivated by Jesus, not by the video feed on Sunday morning, or the praise and worship band, or the promise of another Bible study and better coffee. I want to know the abundant life that repels consumerism and looks so counter-cultural to those on the outside looking in. I want a part in reclaiming the Bride and breathing fresh life into her. Mostly, I want to know Jesus.

And Jesus is enough. Because nothing - nothing else ever will be.

.A Small Life.

The Spirit put this on my heart today, so I had to find one of my photos from Ethiopia and share. This is truth. We serve a BIG God.

So knowing and believing that truth let's:

Live BIG

Pray BIG

Work BIG

Forgive BIG

Love BIG

Play BIG

Serve BIG

Give BIG

Risk BIG

Do BIG.

There's nothing small about our God, and there is nothing small about this one, beautiful life that He has blessed us with. And we only have ONE life, so LIVE. IT. BIG.

.Day 14 of 7.

I cried a lot today. Not really 7 induced crying, but seriously the sight of another apple may make me cry all over again.

I have written and rewritten paragraphs here and deleted them, and now I stare at a blank screen. It is weird for me when the words get stuck. But they are stuck today. God is very near. He is everyday, but today perhaps I have been more intentional about noticing. Maybe today I am realizing how very much I need Him. And He is right here. But what I have to remember is that He is there too - a world away loving, protecting, and drawing a special little street boy to Himself. He is there regardless if I am or not. I don't want to stand in the way of that, and yet my heart wants what it wants. Just a sad, emotional day.

So many times I heard myself crying to God today I didn't ask for this.

And what I am talking about is the pain, but I didn't ask for the blessing of loving two children as sons whom I did not carry in my womb, either. And that has been one of the most amazing, life-changing, life-giving experiences of my entire life. God knew that was exactly what I needed. I am guessing I need this hurt, too.

The pain makes this story that God is writing more beautiful. The pain is developing me, and making me a different person than I would be without the pain. Without the pain, yes, I would find an easier, but flatter ending. The pain will make the story more beautiful, and the beauty will all point to the glory of my God.

And perhaps this is just the day that God orchestrated for the middle of this 7 fast. There was no food to pillow my tears today, just the arms of Jesus.

And that is enough.

He is enough.

He is more than enough.

.I Want to Know.

I cannot recall what awoke me. Maybe Jamesy had gotten up, or maybe it was a typical restless night for me. At 3 AM, after waking, I found myself buried in my husband's arms, hot tears burning rivers on my cheeks, and sobs taking my breath away. It's not the first time that this has happened. It seems as if the stillness of the night brings up a lot of emotions for me. This night in particular I was furious. Perhaps with God, if I am going to be honest. I am struggling with comprehending how it is that every night I lay my head on a plush pillow in a warm, safe, comfortable queen sized bed, while a certain little boy whom I love very much has been sleeping back out on the streets - on a bench, with no blankets, no safety. How is it that God's grace landed me here in America? And how is it that His very same grace landed him and others as a prisoner to poverty? I am just struggling reconciling some things in my human mind, and I know therein is the problem - my mind is human (Isaiah 55:8-9).

I asked for this, but friends, let me say that I did not understand what I was asking for. For some reason, when I asked God to allow me to share some of His heart ache and to break my heart for what breaks His, I did not anticipate the pain. Even writing this I now see how foolish that sounds. I meant every breath of that prayer, but I do not think I counted the cost before asking it of God. I have always been empathetic - long before now. But this is a whole new level of empathy. I remember in preparing for our first trip to Ethiopia, and in the paperchase to adopt Jamesy, I read as much  as I could about his birth country and watched probably hundreds of videos. My heart was always pricked, I seldom read anything or watched anything relating to Ethiopia or the orphan crisis without being in tears, BUT even that did not penetrate my heart. I have said it so many times before, but it was all just statistics and numbers swirling around. It reached me on an emotional level for a moment, but it was fleeting.

However, the moment we drove off of the airport in Addis, my heart began to bruise as I saw real, live human beings, made in the image of God, laying all over the side of the dusty, bumpy roads, huddled up by piles of trash, and preparing for a night of whatever sleep they could find. Yes, I had seen this on the videos, but now it was real, before my eyes. I could see them, hear them, and smell them. What I could not do was close my eyes and ignore them. Yes, I had seen poor people here. I have seen their houses and their condition. I have even seen homeless people before, but this was so different than even that. My words would fall short to explain how, so I will not try. And then two days later, I met him, and the statistic wrapped itself in human flesh and blood and held my hand and called me Mama and begged for something to fill his starving belly. And as he handed me that beaded bracelet through the van window, with tears trailing his dirty cheeks, my entire world shifted, and in that moment my heart understood my Father's heart and it began to crack and bleed and HURT. Oh the pain of having my heart broken for what break's His. Why didn't someone warn me? Why didn't someone tell me that I could never go back? That the things that seemed so important, like my silly COACH bags, and filling my fridge with organic produce, and staying up-to-date on the latest fashion trends for me and my littles, and filling my home with stuff, and shopping just for fun, or arguing over whether church's should have pews or chairs, or wishing I had more time in the day for me, would all smack me in the face and mock my lukewarm devotion to Jesus Christ.

Even now it hurts to know what I know, and I feel as if I can do so much more. I do not want sympathy or platitudes about how God doesn't want me to feel guilty, and how He has placed me here for a reason. Because I need to feel this pain. Even though this knowing is hard -the hardest thing that I have ever experienced, I still want to know. I had closed my eyes to this level of pain for 30 some years, and now I choose to enter the pain. I will never be able to do enough. I will never be able to solve the world's problems. Even Jesus said that the poor will always be with us. (Matthew 26:11)

A friend shared a song with me on facebook last night. As Jim and I listened to it through tears, I said If I knew then what I know now, then I would not want to know. It had been a hard day with a situation with our teenage boy in Ethiopia. Jim looked at me and said That's not true. And he is right. Because now, I am just beginning to understand the Father's heart. So, even though it is excrutiatingly painful and isolating, and even though most days I feel useless in what I know, I still choose to know.

I want to know.


Do You Want to know by Josh Wilson

If you want a heart of sympathy


Then pray to God to help you, please


See the world that Jesus sees



But be careful what you ask Him for


Cause if you’re gonna open up that door


There’s no going back to before



Cause once you see a mother who can’t feed


The baby that cries in her arms


Your heart will break and you’ll lay awake


No, sleep won’t come quick anymore


So do you want to know?



You pass him on the way to work


He holds a sign beside the curb


You look away and avoid the hurt



Cause why should you be held responsible


Besides, he’ll probably just spend it all


On cigarettes and alcohol




But once you see that the man on the street


Has a name and a family like you


Your heart will break and you’ll lay awake


Cause you’ll understand God loves him, too


So do you want to know?


Oh, no



If you want a heart of sympathy


Then pray to God to help you see



But once you see a world that’s in need


And a sorrow you just can’t ignore


Your heart’s gonna break and you’ll lay awake


Cause you’ll know you could do so much more


Do you want to know?



[Disclaimer: every time I open my heart up in a post like this I get some negative feedback about how there are poor people here in America, and how all I care about is Ethiopia and the poverty there. I just want to carefully say, that this is a very personal post, and this is my story. I didn't know until I went to Ethiopia. I had to leave America in order for God to break my heart. This is the avenue God used in my life. And now I am passionate about Ethiopia, and honestly I am passionate about every follower of Jesus in America experiencing a third world country, BUT these are just my thoughts. I do know that there are hurting people right in our back yard and in our families. This is not my way of saying to  ignore them.]

. I Care About Social Justice.

Social Justice.


Those two words are so polarizing. No doubt reading those words triggers something inside of you. Perhaps you cringe, roll your eyes, sigh, and think to yourself, while alarm bells go off in your head, Oh, dear, here she goes again on another one of her radical crusades. And I get that, I was standing right in your shoes only a short while ago. I wanted nothing to do with those Christian "radicals" fighting for justice. After all they had to be liberals and wolves in sheep clothing in order to care about things like social justice. Or perhaps upon reading those words, you pump your fist in the air, your heart races, and you think to yourself Yes, finally she is talking about this again. This will be another post that I can actually stand behind!

I understand those two words are loaded. I understand that there is some political tension behind the words, and that they likely mean different things for different people. In order to put us all on the same page for this post, this is how I define {biblical} social justice: the God-given responsibility of every believer to stand up for and protect people who suffer from social injustices - people who are in less fortunate situations than we have been graced with, and the need to compassionately care for and advocate for, the needs of these people, all for the sake of the Gospel and advancing the kingdom.

I know that definition is still broad, but I feel as if we need to start biblically defining it. It is time that Christians stop letting the world define social justice for us. I believe in doing that, we have missed out on a large chunk of the Gospel, because it has caused many of us to ignore social justice altogether. We have been scared off by the world's definition of it. This should not be a political movement or the government's job. The command to care for the least of these {social justice} was given to the church (Matthew 25:40). Simply because I am a child of God, I cannot ignore the least of these - here or abroad.

I really began delving into social justice and what the Bible had to say when the Spirit convicted us of the orphan crisis and God's desire for our family to adopt. God started opening my eyes to the needs of orphans and widows, and I began understanding his definition of pure religion was directly tied into social justice.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

Two years ago our Pastor preached through the book of James, and it began to turn my world inside out. For the first time, my heart was pliable, and the book of James really began to convict me, especially with verses like this one:

 Obey God's message! Don't fool yourselves by just listening to it. James 1:22

Like I said, I discovered that pure religion is directly tied to social justice - caring for orphans and widows. In order for my religion to be seen as pure by God, I had to actually do something. However, the desire to do something needed to come from a heart overflowing with love for my God and a burning desire to share the Gospel. Social justice that is not God-centered and Gospel-centered and done merely to check another "Christian duty" off the list, or even worse, done to make me look better to those around me, falls flat and does not advance the kingdom. Without the energy of the Gospel and a driving love for God, and a humble, broken heart, social justice is meaningless and fleeting.

I began investigating further, as it seemed as if I was starting to better comprehend the heart of God. And of course I found verse after verse after verse that pointed to the fact that God passionately cares about issues of social justice. It flows through the entire Bible saturating every book. And if this is something that God is so passionate about, then perhaps I should be passionate about it as well.

Then, just yesterday, as I was pouring my heart out to my Father on behalf of a fatherless child, whom I dearly love and want to see come to know Jesus as His Savior, the Spirit pointed a new truth out to me. Here are the passages that I shared yesterday and that pierced my heart.

I’ll tell you what it really means to worship the LORD. Remove the chains of prisoners who are chained unjustly. Free those who are abused! Share your food with everyone who is hungry; share your home with the poor and homeless. Give clothes to those in need; don’t turn away your relatives. Then your light will shine like the dawning sun, and you will quickly be healed. Your honesty will protect you as you advance, and the glory of the LORD will defend you from behind. When you beg the LORD for help, he will answer, “Here I am!” (Isaiah 58: 6-8)


If you are generous with the hungry and start giving yourselves to the poor, your lives will begin to glow in the darkness, your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight. I will always show you where to go. I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places - firm muscles, strong bones. You'll be like a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry. You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You'll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again. (Isaiah 58:10-12)

Did you notice what I noticed? Right off the bat in this passage, we learn what God thinks true worship is. And guess what?

Just like Pure religion, true worship is connected to social justice! It seems as if God's heart for the least of these is just jumping off the pages of Scripture at me. I was blind to it for a long, long time. It seems to me as if Christians should be leading the social justice parade - defining it biblically - and living it out in a God-centered and Gospel-centered way. We are a living, breathing, walking example of the Gospel and Jesus in our lives, and we are this example when we care for the least of these, when we advocate for the voiceless, when we fight against injustice being done to our fellow mankind, when we turn orphans into sons and daughters, when we provide for the needs of widows, and when we start passionately caring about these issues that are so close to the heart of our Father.

I long for pure religion and true worship to be true of my life. I desire for my heart to be connected to the things that matter to God's heart, and it appears that social justice matters a great deal to my Father. And simply because of that, I care about social justice.

What are your thoughts on social justice and how Christians should respond to it or interact with it? I would love to hear your thoughts, as long as we all play nicely and graciously!

.I Give Up.

I have two darling little boys who love playing in this cupboard. I believe it gets emptied daily.



I give up. I am not wasting any more time organizing it. I have better things to do - kingdom things -things that impact eternity. Organizing this cupboard does nothing for His kingdom. So I give up.

It feels great!

.Reclaiming Christmas.

The hustle the bustle. To-do lists. Gift lists - for family, for friends, for neighbors and teachers, for the mailman and co-workers. Busyness. Expectations. Stress. Calendars bursting at the seams. Glitz. Santa. Materialism. Performance. Decorating. Commercials boasting the latest and greatest necessity to make one happy. Perfectionism.



Christmas.

What if it was all stripped away, and left naked of the stuff?

What if Christmas was really only about Jesus?

Would it look any different?



He carried down tub after tub after tub that groaned with the weight of Christmas decorations. Nine. I counted nine in all, and as I counted I felt my heart race and my stomach turn. Nine storage bins of stuff that was supposed to usher Christmas into my home. Up until last year, decorating for Christmas brought so much excitement and anticipation for me. Last Christmas, I emptied but one tub and decorated our tree. My heart was heavy, and the other decorations seemed frivolous. I chalked it up to the blanketing sadness that wrapped our family due to Jamesy not being home yet, as once promised.





I was sure that this year I would dive fully back into decorating my home top to bottom. But the nine boxes that stared at me seemed to mock the knowing that I now hold in my heart, of the poverty I had witnessed this year, of the truth of the fact that I have lived a sheltered, comfortable, ignorant to the plight of others, life here in America. That knowing permeates everything. My eyes see things and people differently - even Christmas. My eyes are seeing Jesus and His birthday - perhaps truly for the first time.





It's the reclaiming of Christmas that my soul longs for.

The erasing of the unnecessary and the magnifying of the Necessary - the only necessary in this life and the one to come - Jesus Christ. Christmas and all that it brings points to Him who came as a rag swaddled babe, born in a feeding trough in order to rescue the poverty stricken, broken me.



My one desire this season is to be intentional about this Christmas. In every choice of celebration this year it must point back to Jesus. It must.

Without Jesus, there is no Christmas.

Christmas is Christmas only because of Jesus.

Come let us adore Him - Christ the King!

.Not A Lot of Words.

Not a lot of words today, because I am on day three of suffering with a pinched nerve. I cannot type very long with this before needing a break. I am grateful for my husband these past three days. He has taken care of EVERYTHING - from me, the children, the house, meals, church etc.

He also took Scotty to the ER late last night, as he has been very ill. Scotty is doing better today, and we are praying that what seems to be a very nasty virus will run its course and get out of our house.



Taken last night. We were trying to get a good photo of the welts and rash breaking out all over Scotty, so that we could get advice from Jim's Mom. With his 104 degree fever and weird rash/welts the hospital was a must.

But he is looking much better today and getting lots of snuggle time.



He is truly one of the sweetest boys. Jim said he charmed all of the hospital staff last night, and insisted on bringing a sticker home for his big sister.



I mentioned that I had been re-researching Jamesy's hair care as we attempt to grow it out. Jim envisions Jamesy's hair looking like the little brown girl's hair in the photo someday.





We have a little way to go. But he is so cute!



The boys wearing Jamesy's sleep caps.



We finally have a "Baby's First Christmas" ornament for Scotty. Ha!



We've been homeschooling (love her fashion sense!).



Scotty has developed a great love for play-doh, and enjoys his "school time".





We have had a lot of late nights with this little man. This was taken one night after I raced up the stairs to Jamesy's screams. I ran into his room, and immediately Jamesy stopped screaming, grinned at me, shook his finger at me and said "no, nigh, nigh, no nigh, nigh." Then he lifted his arms up to be picked up. He got what he wanted.



I am excited to have crafted (before my pinched nerve) Thanksgiving outfits for the children. (Full photo to come). No, the boys did not get pants. {grin}



And that's all I can type for now. Happy Monday!

.Thirty Two Years.

I awoke another year older today. In all honesty I struggle with getting older. I have for a long time. When I was sixteen I remember getting a twisted stomach thinking about turning thirty, and here I am two years removed from the "dreaded" number. It is a silly thing, and it is not even a vanity issue. I just fear getting old. I do not fear death or heaven, it's the getting old part, the body wearing down, my loved ones getting older and passing on, my children growing up. But today I am blotting those thoughts away, taking them captive, and enjoying this moment where I am still young and healthy, energetic and passionate about our future. I am basking in having my young children and my loved ones all safe and healthy tucked in around me. For honestly this moment is all I am promised. There is no guarantee that I will grow old. There is no promise that I will make it to see a day past thirty two, so I am embracing today - this moment.

Thirty one was probably one of the most, if not the most, pivotal year of my whole life. The woman that faces me in the mirror looks similar to the one that was in the mirror last year (save a few more crow's feet and laugh lines), but my insides have been completely rearranged. My heart has been bruised and crushed and beaten, and it seems almost as if it has been replaced with a much more tender heart. The rhthym is different as well. I dare hope it beats more closely to the rhythm of God's heart, although I know I have so far to go before my tempo truly matches His. I am stronger that I was a year ago, but I am softer. I have always been a feeler. God has given me the ability to feel others pain, and that makes me an emotional person. But this year, I have felt like never before. Some days it was too much, and I failed to let God use me the way He desired to. But other days, I was able to live in His strength, and succeed in the areas He pushed me.

This past year was the longest, darkest, hardest, lowest, joyest, closest to Jesus, most wonderful year that I can remember. Thirty one settled on me during one of the lowest, loneliest, emptiest moments of my life. There are no words to ever describe what it is to have a child on the other side of the world and not be able to get to him. And until one has experienced it this will just sound melodramatic and ridiculous. I know that now, but at the time all I could see was my own palpable pain and wonder curiously how few carried it with me. Thirty one took me out of the US and across the ocean, for the first time, and it took me twice. It was the scariest and most amazing experience I had ever been part of. Thirty one held moments of absolute clarity, as for a moment it seemed the veil was lifted, and I could see what it meant to truly live for Christ, to sacrifice, to live out the true gospel, but it also held moments of selfishness, self-righteousness, misunderstanding, and an awful ache to just go back to how it used to be. Some days the knowing was too much, and I wished to just go on a little bit longer with not knowing.

At thirty one I held a little brown boy, with big brown, wiggly eyes, and a shock of black curls against my chest and breathed him in for the first time, and in that moment was given the gift of understanding, with a brand new vividness, my very own adoption through Jesus Christ. Thirty one made me a mommy to three and watched as I learned the true meaning of dieing to self, as I rocked my new frightened babe for months, some moments with no healing in sight, some moments so painful that they will never be uttered, some moments so priceless and powerfully beautiful, that they could have only been orchestrated by the hand of my Daddy in heaven.

Thirty one was the year of triumph and trial. Thirty one was filled with more tears, more hopes, more dreams, more desperation, more love than any year previous. Thirty one completely took me out of the comfortable and easy and faced me with some fears that changed the course of my entire life. Thirty one taught me that anything is possible with Christ living in me. Thirty one brought disappointment in relationships and deep scars, but it brought a greater intimacy into my relationship with Jesus. Thirty one witnessed my husband making an orphan child his beloved son, and my flesh and blood grasping their Ethiopian brother as if truly their flesh and blood.

This thirty first year changed my life forever, and with all of the ups and downs I can honestly look back and see God's hand in it all. Although I would choose to live it all again if I had to, I am thankful to have a fresh new year ahead of me.

My expectations for thirty two are pretty high.

Here's to topping thirty one.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Ephesians 3:20

My seat belt is fastened, and I am ready for the ride. So use me God to do infinitely more than I could ever dream up. I'm ready for thirty two.

.There is a Season for Everything.

I look forward to the changing of seasons. Each season holds a new kind of delight and gift for me. I am in awe every time a new season bursts in. And every season I find time for one of my greatest guilty pleasures....



books.

A sweet friend of mine was trying to talk me into splurging on a Kindle or a Nook, but I am not sure if I can really trade in the feel, the smell, of books. I am very tactile when it comes to my books and to reading - it is an experience for me, as silly as that sounds. I know books are so expensive. I do use my library a ton, and when I purchase books, I only purchase books that I know I will pass on and on to other people. Books and reading are my guilty pleasure. No matter what, I always make time to squeeze a little reading into everyday.

Right now I am delving into Orphanology - Awakening to Gospel - centered adoption and orphan care by Tony Merida and Rick Morton.



Russell D. Moore (author of Adopted for Life) had this to say about the book :

The orphan is not a cause. The orphan is not an issue. The orphan has a human face, and that face is Galilean. Jesus tells us that when we see the poor, the weak, the vulnerable, the tossed aside, we see Him there. Tony Merida, one of the most brilliant and passionate preachers in evangelical Christianity today, calls us to remember the orphans as we follow Christ.



I feel as if I am joining the rest of the world and jumping on the band wagon with this book, Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis. But I could not not read it. I have been following this girl's blog for so long, I just knew that I had to also read her book. A blog only tells so much of our story, there is much left unsaid between the lines.

If you are not familiar with Katie's story, watch this little preview here. (You will need to scroll down to the bottom of my blog and pause my playlist in order to hear the video.)




And as always, I am reminding myself to read everything sandwiched between God's Word and filtered through His Word. As much as I love books, I never want to hunger for or follow another book the way I want to God's Word.

What are you reading? Please share. Some of my favorite books have come at your suggestion.

.She Wished She had Baked Less Bread.

I read a blog article a few days back about blind spots in homeschooling. It made me take a deep breath and think. There was one part of the article that really struck a chord with me. This is what the author had to say:

A friend of mine, a homeschool mom, just passed away of cancer. In the week before she died, I asked her if she had any regrets in her life. She told me she wished she had baked less bread - she said if she had it to do over again she would buy bread and spend more time with her children. (emphasis mine)

I have been convicted in the last several months to year of things very similar to this in my own life. For about two years I poured a lot of time, energy, and money into feeding my family as naturally and organically as possible, and I was consumed by living healthy. I spent a lot of time making things from scratch and preaching on the need for people to get back to eating naturally. It in and of itself was and is a good thing. A very good thing. I do want to be healthy, and I want my children to be healthy, but not at the expense of relationships or cherishing moments with my children or sharing the gospel with the world. There is nothing wrong with grinding wheat berries and scouring books on eating the way Jesus did, but it consumed me. So I have had to step back. I still want to feed my family healthy foods, and I still make much of our food from scratch. But I am thankful and praise God to be able to write that it no longer consumes me.

Yes, there are certain things we still do that come easily to me - like trading our white pasta for whole wheat, and eating homemade foods versus packaged/processed foods. But I am not more spiritual than the next mom who feeds her children lunchables. Just eating healthy did not bring me closer to God or make me a better Christiam. I am learning to expend my energy in other better things. I am sure an organic/whole food activist could argue this, but I see in Scripture where it is my Christian mandate to advocate and speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves - orphans, widows, the poor and destitute (Proverbs 31:8, Micah 6:8, Isaiah 1:17), and I do not see a Christian mandate for me to feed my family completely organically/naturally. So, I have been working on not being consumed by that, and rather being consuned by Jesus Christ and his demands on my life. It's the best....well the only thing worth being consumed by.

That is just one example of where God has been pointing out a blind spot to me. I could probably sit here and think of ten more, and humble myself enough to relate to much of what was written in that article. I am thankful that God continues to work on me, and I pray that he breaks me over and over inorder that I would reflect Jesus in me.

Please head over to Josh Harris's blog, and read the article for yourself. I do believe it pertains to Christians in general and not only homeschoolers, although the article is targeted to the latter. Then hop back here and let me know what you think. I would love to hear your thoughts and have some dialogue with you.

.Uh huh.

I've read a lot of descriptions for introverts over the years, but this one caught my eye because it was so accurate though concise. Along with being introverted, I am analytical, so I have always loved researching and studying personalities. One time my dear friend, Joanna, who also happens to be introverted, explained us as arttroverts. I love it. I found this on Pinterest {swoon}.

This just made me smile. I am still learning how to not make my introversion an excuse not to have real authentic relationships. It's the 's' on that that really trips me up, but God is good and gracious. Jim and I have talked about this extensively (as he is the exact opposite), and Jo and I have talked as well. Where Jim feels energized after being with and around people; I feel depleted. I re-energize in solitude - with my pen or keyboard and my thoughts and quiet. It is only then that I am really able to enjoy people for a bit again. Jim on the other hand re-energizes with people around - and the more the merrier, and then he is able to withstand solitude again. Makes for some interesting dynamics in our marriage, but I would never change it. He pushes me where I need to be pushed.

This other little nugget I found this weekend, and I feel like wearing it as a sign around my neck! It is so, so true.

Without a pen in my hand I am dull and uninteresting, and not able to think. Put a pen in my hand or keys under my fingers, and I come to life. What a unique Creator we have.

Continuing on with our week of school. I am thinking about doing a 2-3 week recap now. I think the every week re-cap would be kind of boring even for me to look back on in the future. Things are going well. I am learning to teach with a needy toddler attached to my hip, and to not react when our schoolwork is done and Scotty has completely rearranged our house! {grin}

Praying for strength, grace, and patience this morning. I was up all night with my youngest. Going to the Children's Hospital really set him back. It seems we are almost at square one again with night time stuff. He could use prayer as we battle through the fear and try to find healing once again.

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.Finding Rest.

The fear is creeping in again. I rock him, and I feel his body stiffen and refuse my touch. It started the night we came home from the children's hospital, and then it accelerated this weekend after his blood draw.

It hurts watching him battle.

He is trying a new self soothing destructive behavior. Every time we lay him down he bangs his sweet little head, over, and over.

Yesterday I felt such frustration as I reached for him and rocked him and tried to make him understand that there is no need for that anymore. Daddy and I can comfort you now. I whispered to my precious third child. My tears slipped over the contours of my cheeks and mingled in his soft curls. It was then that my heart heard His whispers.

But daughter, you have been doing the very same thing that your son is doing right now. Each night you go to bed, and I offer you My comfort, My peace. My arms reach out for you, and you stiffen and turn away. You mentally list your worries and fears. Over and over you shuffle through them in your mind imagining scenarios that could make life situations better, and in a most destructive way imagining terrible scenarios that could be.

There is no need for that anymore. You have been redeemed. You are no longer alone.

Have you not heard me tell you before how to find rest? Let me invite you again.

Come to me, [Tiffany] who is weary and carries heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your soul. (Matthew 11:28-29)

Last night we found rest.

Jamesy snug in the arms of his Mama, and both Mama and Jamesy snug in the arms of Jesus.



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