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Friday, August 13, 2010

Does She Know?

I try to tell myself that I should not write so much about adoption, about orphans, about widows, about God's commands to us regarding the above. But I cannot stop. My whole world is wrapped up in this journey. I've said time and time again how my eyes have been opened for the first time ever, and truly I don't want to go back to being blind. I don't want to go back to being comfortable. I don't want to remember the thoughts I once had on what I considered a real family to be, or how certain mandates in Scripture only referred to certain believers and not to us all. I believe that was a lie right from the enemy, and he did a very good job of holding the blinders tightly over my eyes for 30 years, but they have been yanked off. My eyes are naked, and for the first time they are seeing things and people in a new way.


My heart is breaking for things that break God's heart. Things I have ignored for too long.I believe that God will be glorified in my speaking out, each time I do so I do it prayerfully.

We have been given strange looks when we talk about the love we have for our child already, and how he is no different to us than Cadi or Scotty. People raise their eyebrows when we speak with an urgency saying we feel just as anxious with this child as we would if Cadi or Scotty were the ones separated from us in Africa. And I know, we do sound crazy if you have never experienced this first hand. I didn't really get that at first, but I do now. However, it doesn't change the realness of this for us at all or what we feel. And probably what I am going to say next sounds even more bizarre. But here it is. Today, I am once again thinking of the woman who will carry and give birth to my child. I am thinking about how much I love her and feel connected to her though we have never met. With how smoothly the process is going for us up to this point, it is very likely that this woman is carrying my baby boy right now in her womb.

That brings me to tears. Happy, excited tears, and bitter, sad tears. I wonder over and over what this woman will experience these next few months that will cause her baby to be an orphan. I know that in some countries a girl is more likely to die giving birth than to go to school. I know Ethiopia is one of those places. What kind of heart aches will she endure that will bring this boy into our home? I hurt for her. This is not how it should be. As God created the world, He intended for birth families to stay together. But when sin entered the world it affected everything. I know God loves and ordains adoption, but I also know that it is not how it should have been. In a perfect world, adoption would not even need to exist. There would be no orphan. There would be no widow.

But this is not a perfect world.

And there are widows and orphans.

And we as Believers are called to do something about that.

We are not called to continue to live comfortably with the fuzzy blinders over our eyes. We will have plenty of time to live pretty comfortably when we get to heaven! I have decided to wait for that. I think it will be worth it.

So we chose to bring an orphan into our family and make him an orphan no more, but rather a son! And we witnessed this example in our Father adopting us as sons. But adoption is messy. It is costly. It is scary. And adoption hurts. It hurts all involved. And today I am hurting for a woman in Ethiopia who has my baby nestled under her heart, while I have him tucked into mine.

I wonder does she know that she is loved by a family half way around the world? Does she know I pray for her every morning and every night as I lay my head on my pillow? Does she know that I have cried for her and hurt for her. Does she know that the little boy she carries is loved and being waited and longed for? That he has an older sister and an older brother who speak his name already? Does she know that we will talk of her our whole life and be connected to her through that sweet, little baby she is carrying? Does she know that her son is going to have the best daddy and the best example of His heavenly daddy?

Does she know that I have wept and pleaded for her salvation?

And that I pray one day in heaven I can wrap my arms around her and tell her thank you?

My heart longs to see her in heaven reunited with that little boy that we will forever share.

Redemption. I am praying that for her. For him. For us.

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Theresa said...

Thank you for once again sharing your beautiful heart :)

Lara said...

I feel the same way "maybe I'm writing about adoption too much" but that's like asking a pregnant woman not to write about pregnancy! So keep on writing!

BARBIE said...

I have never adopted. But when I read your blog, I see Christ in you. You truly have His heart. This is a beautiful post!

jkseevers said...

what an amazing perspective. Thanks so much for sharing it with all of us on the same journey...

Linda said...

You said it all so beautifully and from a heart of love! May this journey end with a beautiful baby boy who will always know he is loved, and who will always be cared for by a family who adores him.

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