.The Truth Is.

It plagues me.

I've never talked about this here - or anywhere, and I never have allowed myself to realize how much this haunts me - until today. I'm going there, but I am not yet sure if I can make myself publish this.

I dream about it, waking up in a cold sweat, heart pounding, and my stomach queasy. Fear hangs over me, and I hate it. It dampens the joy a bit, and it hovers mockingly. I know the fear is not from God. I wish that  fear would just leave my life forever. Its grip is cruel and ridiculous. I am frustrated that I am still dealing with this old, horrible issue. The same issue I have battled my entire life.

I fear this will all end, and he will be sent back. To type that just adds to the fear, to admit "out loud" the possibility that this really could come to an abrupt and ugly halt. And although sometimes my fears are irrational, this one is wrapped up in reality. I know that my God is bigger, and I know and marvel over all that God did to join our family together. But the fear snakes around my heart and hisses the fact that his visa expires this July, and that really, we have no ties to him. That's only a little over three months away. I know the truth that he can stay on an expired visa, but just the thought of an expired visa makes my heart race a little faster.

The truth is, he's not mine.

As much as I feel like he is, as much as I know in my heart that he is my son, and that there is no difference with the way I love him, then if I had carried him nine months and birthed him; I also realize that beyond that, I have no real, legal rights to him as my son. And just being completely transparent, it is a scary place to be. I have lost my heart completely to this child. I am trying to savor every single moment, with the knowing that it could be taken away. It makes me physically sick to understand what that means - for him - for us.

My camera documents everything, my eyes and heart have been opened to anything that we can celebrate and cherish and applaud. I have written down memories upon memories, and I have tucked so many of our conversations into my heart. These past, almost eight months, I have poured my life out into all four of my children, but especially into him, because if something happens, if this all comes to a crashing, horrific ending, I don't ever, ever want him to question whether he was loved, wanted, and cherished.

The truth is, none of these children are mine, and for a person with chronic control issues, that's a tough pill to swallow. I know that any of the four could succumb to an illness or a horrible accident at any time. I know the truth that they are all God's, and that He is just letting me steward the responsibility of raising them in the here and now. Tomorrow is not promised. But I don't sit in fear over the other three. It's just the one.

I am not just sitting here wallowing in fear, though; we are fighting to make this permanent. Most days that knowledge let's me push back the fear. But today it's choking me. I just want to cocoon my family away from the world, away from the questions as to why we chose this, and the accusations about why we post on facebook so much about Habi, and why we make such a big deal about Habi, well, I guess this is an authentic, painful peak into the why. I guess this is one of the reasons why we are told not to judge people, because so many times we do not have all of the facts. Perhaps if you were in my shoes, with the reality that you could lose your child, you would do something differently. I hope that I would accept that.

There is nothing beautiful or glamorous about this post. It's not very thought-out or well-written, and I cannot wrap it up into a sweet, little spiritual conclusion that ends in a but it's all going to be alright. We have no guarantee that this will end the way we are fighting for it to end. What I can do, is hug that big boy extra tightly when he comes home tonight, and memorize the way he smells, and the sound of his laugh, the way his hair curls against his ears, and how his eyes light up when Jamesy says a word, and the kindness that radiates from him when he is helping Scotty, and the spunky way that he picks on Cadi, and then moments later wraps her in his arms and tells her what a good sister she is. I can celebrate his 100% on his vocabulary tests which he worked so hard on studying for, and I can notice the way he watches his dad, then emulates him, and beams when his dad calls the man out in him. For today that is what I can do. I cannot do anything to be certain that this will last, or that he is here to stay, but I can be present in the here and now. I can and I will do that.

And for today, that will have to be enough.

.Abundantly More.

I'm at a loss for words, and I am completely okay with that. It's hard to explain being inside a move of God. It's supernatural, and glorious, and ridiculous, and impossible.

But the impossible happened for us, and Habi, my sweet, sought-after, prayed for, son, is safely tucked into our family - in our HOME! God blessed us with that student visa. I don't need an adoption decree from a court, never did, to know that Habi is forever and always fully my SON.

And he is home. Safe.

There are so many details that I want to share. Little ones like how as our plane caught the first sight of Addis I burst into tears and ugly sobs and probably scared my seat buddy Tracy to death. To be that close to that city that held my son, the city that gave me two of my sons, again is beyond explanation. It took the breath right out of me. Details like how my heart thumped out of my chest as I waited to get my first glimpse of Habi in a year and a half. And how shocked I was to see how healthy and grown-up he looked - so, so different from the scared, hungry little boy that stole my heart. I want to tell you how his face broke out in the widest grin and that smile, that one that could stop the world in its tracks, twisted my heart again when he saw us, and then how he dipped his head and averted his eyes and allowed shyness and emotion to take over. I want to tell you what it was like to look over in the van and to see my fifteen year old's head buried in the lap of his daddy, a daddy whose shoulders shook with happy sobs.

I want to tell you what it was like to worship side-by-side our son for the first time, or what it was like to walk the streets he called home with him. I want to tell you about his laugh and how it fills up a house, and how loud and funny he can be right on the heals of quiet, intuitive, wisdom. Or how his smile lights up a room and how clueless he is to his charm and charisma. I want to write about the visa appointment and our apprehension - about the miracle that really took place that day because of prayers covering us across the ocean - and how close we thought we were to him being denied the visa. Or how after hearing the beautiful words "Habtamu, I am granting you a visa", we clung to each other and sobbed to the bewilderment and amusement of the security guards. Or how we celebrated with Kaldi's coffee and then later cake with our team, and how the whole day the three of us walked around on clouds and in disbelief that this was really happening.

I cannot describe it all, though, there is too much, and too much is sacred. It is ours. The whispered conversations of a past that I cannot pretend to ever empathize with. The salty mingled tears. The rejoicing and heart-exploding gratitude to the God that orchestrated this story from the beginning of time. The knowledge that God supernaturally knit us together as a family. There is just so much. So much grace. So much goodness. Abundantly more than I ever dreamed.

God moved mountains, and I believe it was largely a result of your prayers.



Tonight I am marveling that I sit here concerned for my teenage boy with very normal concerns - like how will he do in school, will he make friends, and how can I parent him the way that God wants me to? Such a change from a few short months ago when my concerns were, will Habi survive another night on the street? Where is he going to find his next meal? How do we keep him in a pair of decent shoes without them getting stolen right off his feet while he sleeps? How do we help him if he gets very sick?

Oh, the weight that has been lifted off of my heart!

God has written a story over me so abundantly more beautiful than anything I could have dreamed or imagined.

Habi is home. HOME. Our family is blessedly whole!



(Thank you JO for our first family of 6 photo!)

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20

.So Much to Do.

We board a plane to Ethiopia in just 10 days, and there is so much to do. Everywhere I look there is another project to do, another suitcase to pack, another item to check off the list, another child to hug and kiss and hold in hopes that the extra loving will last until we are home and united under one roof again. On top of that I am finishing up a bedroom for our teenage son who may or may not come home and answering the bazillion of questions my littles have about their big brother Habi.

Somehow it will all get done. Or else it won't. But it will be okay.

I am eager to serve in Ethiopia for 11 days. I cannot wait to see what God has to teach me and to show me, and how He plans to grow our entire team on this trip. My husband has been given the gift of a lifetime to be able to preach in the city dump of Korah to the lepers and AIDS community that live there. My heart is full to even think that God would answer his prayer in this way. And of course I am anticipating Habi's embassy appointment on July 2. In preparing for that day, my mind has been drifting back to our first trip to Ethiopia in January 2011. It was the trip that we took to meet our son, Jamesy, and stand before a judge in court promising to parent him, love him, protect and cherish him. And now, a year and a half later, I am promising to do the same for a child whom has waited much longer than 15 months for a family - his wait has been 15 years. In January of 2011 I didn't know what God was going to do when he softened my heart towards a little boy on the streets of Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. I didn't know that, even a year and a half ago, He was beginning to weave our family together in a strange and remarkable way. When Jim and I said "yes" to adoption in the Spring of 2010 we did not realize that that would be God's way to begin opening our hearts to so much more than "a healthy infant as young as possible" as we first requested and boxed God in with our adoption.

I am walking through my days overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions. There are moments of fear as I wonder what we are truly doing, and then moments of excitement as I anticipate the future God is writing for our family. There are moments of sadness as I realize that some of these carefree days with just three littles underfoot may be coming to an end. Things will be different with a teenage boy in our home, and change, as wonderful and sought after as this change is, always battles my insecurities. Today I battled fear, and I know that fear does not come from God. I sought counsel from a wise friend, I meditated on Truth in God's Word, and I blasted praise music as I cleaned and folded laundry. Slowly and surely, the Spirit took my focus off of those fears and turned my eyes back to the Author and the Finisher of this story. As much as my heart yearns for Habi to finish growing up in our home, and as much as I know that he is and will forever be our son - we need no court decree or document to claim him as our own - I also know that God's plan could look different than even how we anticipate it is going to look. But for now, I am at complete peace in doing what God has asked us to do in this moment. And regardless of the verdict on July 2, He has asked us to pursue Habi, to defend him, and to step in as his Dad and Mama. So we do exactly this.

I continue to beg you for prayer and support. This story is not about Jim and I and Habi. It's about God being glorified and His kingdom being expanded. I believe He wants to write many, many characters into this story, and have us all point back to Him. Thank you for doing this with us, and for not leaving us to try this alone. Thank you for the prayer, the encouragement, and the financial sacrifices that so many of you have made. As of today, we have paid the initial fee to our agency, the visa fee, the passport fee, the birth certificate fee, the SEVIS application fee, an almost complete wardrobe, and it appears that we have enough money for Habi's plane ticket home (we will wait for the interview verdict before we book that). Just typing this reduces me to tears. I am so inspired by your outpouring of love. The easy thing to do in this case, would have been to just take out a loan and try to do this on our own. But I believe we would be missing out on something BIG that God has for us to learn and to see, and we would be excluding people from this story. People whom God very much wants to write into this story. We cannot, and are choosing not to do, this on our own. So we swallow that big lump of pride and we continue to plead for help. We are now anticipating that God will provide the remainder of the agency fee, tuition, books, and the sport fee for this school year, as well as gas to and from a school that is an hour from our home. I know God's got this. He has brought us so far and moved so many mountains for this boy!

A recent photo taken in Ethiopia, while he is staying with a friend of ours.

Let's pray Habi home! I am trying to figure out how to organize an official {virtual} prayer meeting for July 1 (in America)/2 (in Ethiopia). Does anyone want to help me with that?

.Shirts for Sale.CLOSED

CLOSED.

Jim has designed and redesigned these shirts for months. We had planned to use them as a fundraiser for adopting a little girl from Ethiopia. God had different plans, and now we are using them to help bring Habi home. Here is what we are offering:

1. A soft style v neck junior fit women's tee in sport gray. This style runs small, so we suggest ordering 1 size larger than you typically wear. Available in S, M, L, XL, 2XL, 3XL 

PRICE: $20 shipped  or $15 local. (additional $2 for 2XL and up)

 

2. A soft style unisex tee in heather navy. Available in S, M, L, XL, 2XL, 3XL

PRICE: $20 shipped or $15 local. (additional $2 for 2XL and up)

3.  An ultra cotton adult unisex hooded sweatshirt in sport gray. Available in S, M, L, XL, 2XL.

Price: $45 shipped or $40 local. (additional $2 for 2XL)

4. An ultra cotton adult unisex hooded sweatshirt in navy. Available in S, M, L, XL, 2XL.

Price:$45 shipped or $40 local. (additional $2 for)



We are doing pre-orders on these. As soon as we have enough buyers, we will send our order into the printer. We are hoping to have the shirts ready to be shipped before we leave for Ethiopia in two weeks. I will try to update on the status of the orders.

To order please pay using the Chip-in above (you will need a paypal account.) In the detail/note section, please let us know what shirt you are purchasing and what size. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at amomentcherished(at)gmail(dot)com. 

Thank you so much for participating in this journey with us!

.It's Party and {Give Away} Time.

I wish I could invite you all to curl up in my living room with a cup of coffee, while we enjoy a girly party looking through Thirty-One Gifts. Instead we will have to do it virtually. A sweet friend of mine from college, Christy, offered to host a Thirty-One party and donate all of the profit to help us with the finances needed to bring Habi home.  (Christy is also in the process of fundraising to bring her Ethiopian sweetheart home. Please check out her blog here!) The party will be open until next Saturday, June 16. Thirty-One is a Christian company based on the principles of Proverbs 31. The items are beautiful and would make organizing one's home a little more fun (and pretty)! There are oodles of fabrics to choose from.

You are invited to the party, and when you make a purchase of any item - no matter the amount, you will have one chance to win an adorable Cinch-It-up Thermal Tote (retail $24). These make great lunch bags!

(Winner chooses the fabric!)

And this month only during this Blog Party, if you spend $35.00 you can purchase the Large Utility Tote for $10.00!  Also Thirty-One is offering tops ONLY this month for the large utility tote on special, for only $10!



There are 17 prints to choose from for this amazing bag! It looks like a great bag for a mom-on-the-go with littles! It would be perfect for picnics at the park, a day-trip, an over night diaper bag, etc.


All of the profit made from this party goes directly toward bringing Habi home.

To shop click here. Then click on My Parties on the top left and Shop Now after my name.

Would you take a moment to browse? Would you also be willing to share about Habi and this online party on your social media? Thank you so much friends! God is really at work in this situation. As of today, Habi has his birth certificate, and we believe his passport as well. It looks as if we will take him to his Visa Embassy Interview on Monday, July 2. We are specifically requesting prayer for Habi's courage and for a kind and gracious consulate. We have done everything we can humanly do up to this point. Now we surrender this all over to God - it's all in His control anyway. I believe He has a wonderful plan to bring Habi home. Thank you for being part of that plan. We are about to witness a miracle!

.Days 29 &30 of 7.

One more day left!!

Last night I zoned out with a book, and the evening got away from me. By the time I realized I had not published a post, I was too tired. And now yesterday is a blur of first day of summer vacation fun. It was gloriously hot. I took the kiddos for a walk, to the library, and to play at the park. We all were tired when we came home. I laid on Scotty's lower bunk bed for a moment during nap time, listening to their book on CD, and I fell asleep for about 10 minutes! That never happens! I love homeschooling so much, but the more relaxed, care-free summer days are very much needed as well. We are figuring out our summer routine and enjoying being together and having fun. I am noticing that this past month with no real menus to plan or big grocery lists or trips to make, I have a lot more time to be intentional with my children in the afternoon/early evening. I want to figure out how to make that stick.


Scotty & Cadi with their pile of library books yesterday afternoon.

But I have to be honest, I am thrilled to have worked on a menu plan and grocery list today! I cannot wait for my coffee on Friday morning. I will not take it for granted and savor every sip. But I learned something, I can live without it. I can also live without a lot of food. It didn't kill me, and after awhile it didn't even feel like self control anymore but just almost normal. The hardest days were Friday, because that is our family pizza night. We all really look forward to Friday nights. But it was fine.

Still working through all God taught me this month. I think food has been an idol. {squirm} I think I have allowed it to consume many areas of my life - and that therein lies the excess and the very point of this fast. I don't want to be ruled by the excess that is so suffocating here in America, and I don't want to blame this country for the ways I have let excess infiltrate my life, my home, and my heart. I want Jesus to rule me. Still pressing into Him about this, hoping to figure out how to more coherently write about it tomorrow.

One more day.

Habi update:

We got the I-20 from the private school that we have enrolled Habi in. It and our other paperwork is headed to Ethiopia! Habi has his passport photo taken tomorrow, and then he should have his passport by next Thursday. He should have a visa embassy interview scheduled for a day that Jim and I are in country. {squeal} Cannot believe this is all coming together so perfectly! Please, please keep those prayers coming. I am specifically asking prayer for Habi, as he is nervous about the interview, and for the consular who interviews him. We have heard that there is one woman in the embassy who almost never gives out visas, BUT our God is bigger!

Cadi update:

I shared this on facebook today.

Got the phonecall from Upstate Hospital that Cadi is officially in remission!!! She has been diagnosed with an accute case of I.T.P., however her chances of it reoccuring and becoming chronic I.T.P. are increased. BUT we only have to do another blood draw again if we ever notice the membrane bleeding, petechaia, or bruising, like she had this fall. God has been so good and gracious to our family! ......These have been probably the hardest 8 months of parenting to date. Thank you to our friends and family that carried us in prayer, encouraged us with cards, calls, messages, etc., babysat Jamesy and Scotty while Cadi had Hematology appointments, allowed us to cry on their shoulders or into the phone when Cadi was not looking, fixed us meals, sent Cadi care packages and cards and visited with Cadi while she was on bedrest for so long. Today we are praising God for life - every breath is a grace gift from God.

.Day 25 of 7.

Today I could write about this.



But that's boring, and the same as yesterday and the day before and 24 days ago. Still going. Still eating 7 foods. A little sad that we will not be enjoying bbq and picnic foods on Memorial Day, but we are almost done - 6 days left! There's nothing more to say on that.

So instead I will write on this.

Habi's birth certificate came in today!! This is a huge step in the visa process, and it took less then a week!



Isn't he so beautiful?

We were promised by the private school we are enrolling him into that they will have the I-20 and his acceptance letter to us by next Tuesday! This is great, because our close friend is traveling to Ethiopia next week and can take it all with him. This saves us both time and money. This next week, the agency will work on getting his passport and assigning him an interview date for his visa at the US embassy in Ethiopia. Please keep those prayers coming. The interview is what we need so much of your prayer going into.

I know God's got this. I really feel as if I am inside of a miracle about to happen.

And I cannot believe that I get to watch it unfold.

.A Home for Habi.

Jim and I have both taken time to discuss and pray over this post, and yet I still sit here with butterflies in my stomach. It's the whole fear of man thing again, threatening to choke me. It's fear of what people will say about us taking on something so much bigger than us - so beyond our means. I lived my life cautiously, calculated, and safely for many years. I honestly lived a watered-down version of a follower of Jesus. I don't want that anymore. I want to be all in, completely sold out to my Savior. So that brings me to this post.



As I mentioned on Thursday we have been trying to adopt Habi for a long time now. The door for adoption was permanently closed this week, but we cannot give up this fight just yet. Jim and I have decided to pursue a F-1 student visa for Habi. Because of a number of circumstances we have to hire an outside agency. We got the quote yesterday and panic set in. When we add that to what will be his tuition and school/sport fees next year (he will be attending a private Christian school), a plane ticket, a wardrobe (one that fits into a private school's dress code at that) and necessities for a boy who has neither, along with the actual visa fees we come up with a number around $15,000 - $20,000. And that scares me. It's like another adoption without the luxury of time on our side. (We are praying to have this accomplished by early July - about 6 weeks.)

Jim and I talked last night about areas that we can sacrifice in our family. We are cancelling cable and phone on Monday and going down to the basic $20 Internet. We will be scrimping in every area that we can. I am searching my home for things that we can sell. We are also trying to throw together a quick t-shirt fundraiser. I feel simultaneously overwhelmed, and oddly at peace. I know without a doubt God is still asking us to fight for Habi. Whether Habi is granted the visa or not, I know that God is asking us to close our eyes and jump - taking a risk and trust that God is in control of the details. Perhaps it is the journey that He needs us to walk, whether the ending is what we pray for or not.

So we do that.

But this is not really about our family, and honestly, this is not about sweet Habi either. This is about bringing glory to God, and I want that so much. In wanting that I know that I cannot hold this situation in my clutched fist. I have to open up and let people in, however God desires that to happen. We feel as if God desires for us to share this burden with other brothers and sisters. Here is what we need God to provide:

1. A host of people committed to praying from now until that visa interview. We need prayer for finances, for Habi as he prepares for the interview, for the agency that we are working with - that they will be able to quickly gather a birth certificate, passport, and secure an interview before we get there in July or while we are there. I am also asking for prayer for the embassy consulate who will interview Habi - that even now God would begin to work in this person's heart. Above all please pray that God is glorified and that His will is done, even if that means Habi is denied the visa.
2. Clothing for Habi - size 27 inch waist 29 inch length pants (or size 16 boys). Size small men's shirts. Size 7.5 men's shoes, sneakers, flip-flops, etc. I have picked up clothing at various thrift stores for Habi, but I have mostly found winter clothing. He will need summer clothes and dress clothes for school - khakis, polos, button-downs, etc.
3. Lastly money for all of the things that I mentioned in this post. We cannot financially do this on our own with just Jim's salary. Please do not feel pressured to give. This is only for people who feel led to help in this way. I so do not want to come across as pressuring anyone for money, and I understand not everyone that reads this has the means to give. I also want to clearly state again, that even after paying a significant amount of money (money we cannot get back)  - Habi could be denied the visa. We are taking a risk and going on faith here. Please do not give any money if you are not comfortable doing so. If you do feel led to give please understand that every single dollar helps.

For now I am going to put a chip-in on this post. When we get the t-shirt fundraiser ready I will post that. Thank you so much for all of the support and encouragement you have given to me here. You have been a huge blessing as our family has walked through some crazy times. Thank you for giving me grace with this post.

Dear Habi,
Dad and Mama love you. You have taught us so much about courage and love and the importance of family. Habi, you have opened my eyes to a world outside of myself. We continue to seek God in bringing you home. God has a great, big, plan for your life. I cannot wait to see it unfold, and I pray that we get to be a part of it. I love you to Ethiopia and back. Always in my heart.
Love, Mama