I have a lot on my mind - in my heart. I have some exciting things to share, but I just cannot quite yet. These are the strangest days of my life thus far. I didn't say hardest - those were the days Cadi was in the NICU, but definitely these are the strangest. God is doing such big things in our heart and life, and I am having trouble articulating them - here, on paper, out loud.
(Cadi about nine months - looks like Scotty, huh?!)
I haven't slept well in months, literally months. It's wearing me out, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I lay in bed for hours at night and just pray for sleep to come. I am exhausted, and yet I cannot sleep. I don't feel as if I am going to bed worrying. I have entrusted this phase of our life over to God and surrendered it over and over again. I feel {mostly} at peace, but yet I cannot sleep. When I do finally fall asleep, it is not restful, and I wake easily. The past two nights I have awoken completely panic stricken from nightmares. (And the nightmares have absolutely nothing to do with our current situation - they have just been completely random!) I feel exhausted in the morning, but it is easy to get out of bed, because I know I cannot sleep anyway. Although the other morning when Jim left to milk cows at four in the morning (he milks at our best friends' barn one morning a week and in exchange we get the yummiest raw milk ever) I did try to go back to sleep, instead I laid in bed for the next two and a half hours completely frustrated.
The lack of sleep has made me shorter with my children and with my husband, and I do not like that. I have little patience, little energy, little ambition. I am not a good mommy, good wife, good friend right now. The lack of sleep has made me so tired during the day that I have been drinking way too much coffee and consuming way too many calories, in an effort to feel awake. Thankfully the past two weeks, I have reigned in the calorie consumption and gotten into a good running rhythm again. I thought the running might help me sleep, too, but nope, not one bit.
I'm at a loss. I walk around in a fog, so tired with a dull headache most days. I don't want to go anywhere or see anybody because the thought makes me even more exhausted. I know I just need to continually give this over to God. I am also looking for some natural remedies. My mom has insomnia problems and swears by warm milk and a banana right before bed. Jim laughed about that and said that there was nothing like consuming half your days calories right before bed! Ha! I haven't tried either yet, but I am almost to that point. Do you have any ideas that might help me? Have you ever struggled with this? I know God is using this to draw me closer to Himself, and in ways it is working. He has brought to mind a lot of different people for me to pray for as I try to fall asleep each night. But I would really like a break, and some sleep. Tonight. Please.
"But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed"
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Addis Ababa Time