.Just Writing (with photographs of Habtamu).

Sometimes I like to sit down and just see what flows from my heart to my finger tips. Writing is like an extension of myself. I am not sure I would be able to think clearly without writing. It is a gift. There have been moments when I have sat down and written so fast, so furiously that my fingers cramped and ached when I was done, but it is in those moments when I feel alive. When I get it all out and on paper. I have been like that for as long as I can remember. There have been few days in my life, since I was old enough to grasp journaling and writing, that I have not written something. I am thankful for this outlet.

So, as I sit here in my dark, quiet home, I am just going to write. It's not thought out or planned or purposed. I am not sure how it will end or when. It is not written for anyone. I am not even sure if this will be one of the posts that make it onto the blog. I'm just trying to untangle the thoughts in my heart.

It was really hard to say goodbye to Jim. Harder than saying goodbye to my children when we went on our two trips to Ethiopia (and that was hard). It's just that we are so connected I guess. We do everything together, and both of us love being together and doing life together. We are such a team when it comes to parenting, and he has left a huge void here. Although, I must say my children have been really resilient and really well behaved. We have had fun together. This is the longest Jim and I have ever been apart since being married. I believe the record before this was four nights. This is eleven. Now that I think about it, most of our dating years were spent at the same college, and even though we lived in different towns, we always managed to see each other over our school breaks. I am guessing this is the longest we have gone without seeing each other in probably 13 or so years. It is weird.

But it is worth it for the sake of the gospel. It is worth it to know that while Jim did leave his family for a bit, he is sharing Jesus' love and the gospel. I truly believe that God is pleased with this. It is worth the sacrifice to know that their may be a kingdom increase because he was obedient to the Spirit pressing on him to take this trip.

If the Lord has put a particular people group on your heart, do not delay in your obedience to GO. (Project 61)

This knowing, that it was God leading, and that we would rather be smack dab in the center of God's will than anywhere else, is the only thing that gave my heart peace as Jim stepped out of our door for another country. Jim went for the sake of the gospel. I stayed here for the sake of the gospel. Everything should be for the sake of the gospel. The gospel is all that matters, because without it where would I be?

Not only is Jim getting the opportunity to share the gospel, and to be the hands and feet of Jesus alongside various ministries in Ethiopia (Ministries such as FashionABLE , Mark 10:14 , and Children's HopeChest - Ethiopia), but he is also having a BLAST!


Doesn't this little sweetheart look like our Jamesy?! They must both be from the same region. I can't get over her cuteness.

Jim has also been able to spend time with Habtamu! Thank you for praying as Jim broke the news to Habtamu about adopting him. Jim said that he was very sad, but he was brave. I have not met a braver boy than he.

These photos do something to me that I cannot even describe. It is the weirdest thing to walk around here feeling as if I have a teenage son in Ethiopia. I asked Jim if Habtamu remembered me, and Jim just laughed.

He said Tiffany, he talks and asks for you - "Mom" - all.the.time. The feeling is mutual. How God can bind hearts like that must be supernatural. I just have no other way of describing it.

Here he is, my beautiful, brave, teenage son, who lives across the ocean.

And here is a side by side of Habtamu in January the day I met him and today with my husband. It's only because of the love of Jesus. I am in awe.



I still want him home, but I am trusting in God's perfect plan for Habtamu's life.

I have been searching God's Word intently, these past few weeks, regarding missions and the Great Commission. I grew up believing (and I actually think I was even taught this) that the Great Commission (Matthew 28:18-20 Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age".) was a mandate only for the disciples in Jesus day and then Super Special Spiritual Christians today with a special "calling" on their lives. But I cannot find anything in Scripture to back this up. Nothing Instead I am reading in the Bible that EVERY believer is called to spread the gospel to those who have not heard. I do not think we all have to move to Ethiopia or a foreign country, although I know that people think that I think this. But I do think we all must go somewhere to a place where there are people who have never heard. That seems to jump out in the Scriptures, and I have not found a loop hole that gives me an out, or any believer an out - even being a mommy (to read a great article on why even Mommies are called to go to all nations click here I really love her line about not always feeling called to go to Target, but she still goes. It makes me chuckle because that is the line I hear the most and have used the most in my own life.)

I will even step on toes and say that I think all believers should have a passport and be ready to go. I am amazed at how many pastors, here in America have never stepped outside of this country. Yes, they must shepherd their flock here, but what happens to them outside of their comfort zone, and the renewed passion they can carry back to their people is immeasurable and very valuable to their ministry here at home. I am ashamed that it took me 31 years to go outside of our country, and it was only necessity that I went at first, until God exploded my world and opened my very blind, very foolish eyes.

I am not going to go as far as to say that we all must go on a trip outside of America (although I will say we all must be ready and willing), but this verse does leaves me uneasy, because I know that there are literally countries around this world that have barely even been touched by the gospel. And we cannot say this about America - no matter how heathen we think America is - there is opportunity for people to hear the gospel everywhere in America - even on TV or the radio. This is just not true in other countries. There are people who have never even heard the name of Jesus or had opportunity to hear.

And thus I aspired to preach the Gospel, not where Christ was already named, that I might not build upon another man's foundation; but as it is written, 'They that had no news of Him shall see, and they who have not heard shall understand'. (Rom. 15:20-21)

I know that there are many, many that will not agree with me on this, and that is okay (please be kind though and back up your reasons with the Word of God if you feel led to share your reasons). I am really still working and praying through all of this myself. I am not a biblical theologian or any kind of expert.

I am leaning towards the thought process that God wants us to share (verbally) the gospel where we are everyday, and then he also wants us to GO and share the gospel with those who have never heard - which probably (but I am not definite on this) means another country. So, I am really starting to see the value in (properly done) short term mission trips, and I am seeing that they are not "just for teens". Again, I am just beginning to really get a handle on any of this. It's foreign to me because of how I grew up.


I guess that is what I am pondering tonight and begging God to give me clarity. I have miles to go in this journey of sanctification. I promised myself that my next blog post was going to be light and fluffy. So much for that.


As always thankful for grace.

.Don't Read This Post.

Here is my warning. Don't read this post, because once you do, you will know the terrible truth about children being abused and trafficked. Children suffering in order for us to have cheap chocolate - think Nestle', Hershey, Mars, the US division of Cadbury, etc. I believe, as a believer, once our eyes are opened to this kind of thing, if we turn our eyes away from it, then the blood is on our hands just as much as it is on the oppressors' hands.

Once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows what we know, and holds us responsible to act. Prov. 24:12

I truly do believe that God does hold me responsible to act.

I have sat on this knowledge for a few days now, and wrestled with whether or not to ruin chocolate for anyone else. I am going to be blatantly honest and say that the enemy has really been attacking me lately, and humanly I am tired of being criticized. I am tired of side way glances, of the whispers about Jim and I, and I wish I was just being paranoid in that but sadly I am not. I am tired of looking like a crazy wacko in. front. of. fellow. believers. What is up with that?! But mostly I am disgusted with myself that I even care what anyone but my Jesus thinks. So I was going to sit this one out. I was going to talk about it with Jim, and decide what to do for our own family and not share it with anyone else.

But seeing the eyes of those children, and what is being stolen from them, and knowing that they are no different than my own children - they are made in the image of God, well I cannot be silent. God has allowed me to have a nice following on this blog (probably less after I post this), and I believe He desires for me to use it as a platform to be a voice to those that have no voice.

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed. Proverbs 31:8.

These children cannot speak up for themselves, and they are definitely being crushed. I really cannot do much from here, but I can share what I know.

I am done being selfish. It is not about me anyway.



We have got to stop looking away.

You can find the rest of these on youtube, but watching just this much made me responsible to act - to share with you.

I am not really sure what to do with this knowing now. And this is where it may look very different for each of us.

Anyone know where I can purchase fair trade chocolate?

Edited to add some resources.

Slave-Free Chocolate

Some chocolate resources

Have a slavery free Halloween

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.Sometimes.

Sometimes I just have to pick at the scab and freshen the wound again and squeeze out the red.

I fear it not hurting anymore.

Becoming numb would be easier.

Putting on a bandaid, letting it heal, and then forgetting about it would be more acceptable.

I have been back here too long, and here seems so normal.

I forget that here is not normal, and that I have really been there and seen the truth.

I have smelled the truth, walked the truth, held the truth, tasted the truth.

(People waiting for food rations.)

And although it is easy to settle back in and be comfortable again, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am different because of the gift of sight I was given.

I don't fit in here anymore, and most of the time I don't want to.

I want to wrestle this knowing for the rest of my life. I want to wrestle with what I have, and what they don't have.

I want to know the chasm between the two, and I want it to bother me every single day that I wake up in the land of the lush.



I can breathe deep because it still hurts.

The wound is open.

My heart still carries the bruise.

The day the wounds vanish and the bruising is gone would be the biggest tragedy of my entire life.

I cannot imagine sleeping there, but yet I don't want to ever forget that someone does. Lots of someones do.

So I will continue to pick the scab sometimes. I will squeeze out the blood. I will let it hurt again.

And sometimes I will just choose to go back and open a new wound. Going is what is on my heart today.

But sometimes I just have to stay and pick at the scab.
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.I Refuse To Forget.

As the spinning that has been my world for the past year begins to slow and a new rhythm rises in our home, I am refusing to forget.

There are memories that are burned into my mind and bruised into my heart, and sometimes I still do not know how to cope with them. God wanted me to know and to see, but what do I do with that knowing?

I have these photographs and these mental images that totally take the breath out of me. I am exhausted of living in an American church culture that mostly ignores Micah 6:8. The silence from our pews and from from our pulpits is deafening when contrasted with the truth.

Maybe we, the ones who have been called to be the hands and feet of Jesus - Christians, are gagged and silenced by fear. Maybe we do not think much about what the gospel demands when it comes to orphans, and to the poor, to injustice because it is scary if we allow oursleves to really know.

But hasn't our fear been crucified with Christ? It seems to me that as followers of Jesus Christ we should be filling this gap.

The very essence of the gospel is Jesus loving us enough to bleed and die for us. It was worth it to him to sacrifice Himself - He held nothing back - in order to completely erase our title of orphan and make us His family.

Is it worth it to me?

Then why do I keep holding on to the things - the temporal - the insignificant?

And why am I holding back?

Does the gospel really demand something from me besides comfortable, North American christianity?

I refuse to forget, and I pray that one day the knowing will penetrate the depths of my heart and turn into doing.


"Our love of comfort & pursuit of American dream is what kills. It's not starvation & lack of clean water."-Kimberly Smith #summit7

Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering (Isaiah 53:4a).

What is my response to His example?
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.To Obey Them Quickly.

Does what Jesus say determine how I live?

Does it really?

Do I use Jesus as my standard or do I compare myself with others?

Is it possible to be a follower of Christ and to be indifferent to what His Word says?

Am I indifferent? Are His Words my source of authority? Or is it that author's words? Or that preacher's? Or that blog's?

Am I lazy when it comes to applying what Jesus demands in my life?

I am dangerously tempted, as I surround myself with this culture and look at my my life to think I just don't want to deal with what Jesus demands. Can't I still be a good Christian even if my life does not look radical?

Is it worth fighting this battle? Is it worth fighting against consumerism and materialism and professionalism and legalism?

Is it worth fighting against a self-saturated and self-indulgent culture that not only surrounds me but consumes me at times?

Is it worth fighting against...

hypocritical

nominal

unbiblical

Christianity?

Nowhere in the New Testament do we see the idea that Christianity is or should be an easy ride. Rather we are told that we are in a....

fight

race

battle

war.

Am I so prone to my culture around me that I have completely ignored the Word of God?

If I want to experience Jesus' glory, then I need to want the lost and the poor to experience His glory too. Do I?

Even though I know this battle is already won and that I am guaranteed the victory, do I really want to do hard things for Jesus?

In Luke 15 I am confronted, right along with the Pharisees. My life is supposed to be lived for the sake of those who do not know Christ.

In Luke 16 I am told that I should use my money, not to serve myself, but to serve the Kingdom.

My....

resources

possessions

money are intended to be used for the advancement of the kingdom, not for the indulgement of myself.

Luke 16:14 What is highly valued among men is detestable in God's sight.

Luke 16:19 - Jesus is speaking to the religious people who are so blinded by their affluence - to the love of money - that they justify their affluence in the middle of their religious devotion! Jesus is speaking to ME!

God, help me not to respond as a Pharisee to sneer at Your Words or justify myself when I hear them. Help me to hear them truly, and to obey them quickly.


Some of my thoughts, notes from, and the inward struggle I am reconciling with after listening to part of a David Platt sermon today.