.Waving my White Flag on the Mommy War.

Before becoming a mommy, I dreamed about what it would be like. I envisioned how I would protect my children and their hearts, and I anticipated having to fight for my children at times. But what I didn't anticipate was who it was that I would often fight against.

Other mommies.

 Yup, that's right, I excitedly became a member of the Mommy Club and then soon fell into the Mommy War.

I am ashamed to admit how much I have participated in this. I would love to say that it was naivety in being a new mom that drove me to engage, but truth be told, I just wanted to do this mommy thing right. And when so much is at stake - the very life and development of another human being - we get pretty defensive about what we have decided is right. The defensiveness quickly escalates to criticisms and judgments and then all out war - just to protect that rightness - and to make sure that we feel good about our choices and look good, too. It's a really ugly manifestation of insecurity in our own decisions. I am kind of exhausted of it, though.

Just shy of ten years of being inside this Mommy Club, I have finally come to the place where I understand that what is right for one family, for one child, is not universally right for every family, for every child. It's just not. There's no cookie-cutter method of parenting. 

I am overwhelmed over the lack of grace we women  - mommies - give each other. It's yucky. It's like a grown-up version of junior high, and that gives me the shivers. There is not a topic that is safe, everything is subject to her disapproval.

To breastfeed or bottle feed
To use breast milk or formula
To work or stay home
To eat natural or not
To cloth diaper or disposable diaper
To home school, private school, or public school
To do Santa Claus, Halloween, the Easter bunny or not
To allow screen time or not and how much
To be a helicopter parent or raise free-range children
To spank or not to spank....

The list could go on for days. The battles are endless. The lines are constantly drawn, and engagement in the war is seen everywhere - on TV, on social media, at the park, at church - everywhere - no place is safe.

Why do we feel so entitled to challenge other mommies on the choices her family has made? I dare say that this superiority (for deep down when we look at the ugly underbelly of the war - superiority is at the root - superiority entwined with insecurity) is destroying the beautiful village feel that somewhere inside the heart of all moms, we need and crave. How can we be a village with other women, when we are constantly defending our choices, and in the defending, criticizing hers? To me, having a village of lifetime friendships with other women, regardless of our parenting styles and choices, sounds so much better then feeling right about my choices, and therefore living in isolation, because our parenting choices will never ever perfectly match her parenting choices.

In the past, I have waxed eloquently (errr maybe just waxed) about some of my own decisions in parenting. I specifically remember the topic of home schooling, and how strongly I once felt about that topic. Don't get me wrong, I do love home schooling, and after taking a year off, have once again chosen that as the method of education for my children. But it is not the best choice for every family. It's really, really not. It was not our best choice this past year. So, we didn't do it. We took a much needed break. We chose private school, and we chose it simply because that is where our oldest son had to attend on his student visa, and in an effort to streamline our chaotic life a bit, we sent our oldest daughter to the same private school. But I don't need to defend that choice. It was the best decision for our family for that time. And if public school had been the best decision, we would not have hesitated to choose that. In that moment, of that decision, I found peace, clarity, and grace. I stopped worrying if, because she was still home schooling her children, and I wasn't, she was a better mommy than I was - I stopped wondering if she was enough while I never would be. Because there is really no such thing. None of us are enough, and that's why we need to show our children that Jesus is enough. Honestly, that will probably look quite different for all of us.

So, I am waving my white flag in this Mommy War. Instead of comparing myself to how she mommies, I will, with God's direction, do what is right - right now - for my family. I will choose to stop defending my choices and criticizing hers. The criticism is just insecurity anyway, and my security doesn't need to come from another mom's approval of how I parent. I want to instead be a beautiful member of that Mommy Club, and notice our unique differences, strengths, goals, dreams, passions, etc. I want to take the time to notice the truth that most mommies are doing what is best for their family right now. It's true, all of us moms have short-comings. We will all make mistakes in this journey of parenting, there is no such thing as a perfect mommy, but most likely, we don't need our mistakes pointed out. We will get there and grow in our parenting. And in between all of the gaps and mess-ups, Jesus fills them in, and He can use us to help fill them in, too, when we wave our white flag and offer grace to one another.

I think that we can  really play a part in trying to end these silly Mommy Wars, and link arms and spread grace inside of the Mommy Club. Let's be a different generation. Let's not divide ourselves - the world does a good enough job at that already. Let's be a safe, beautiful place for each of us to be the mommy God created us to be. I don't want to be offended by her, or judge her, or size myself up by her. I just want to be part of a sisterhood that encourages and champions her wherever she is in her journey. We are in this together - we all answer to the same name, Mommy. We are all her.

.Dear Teenage Girl.

I have been noticing you a lot. Perhaps it is because I am in the trenches of raising a teenage boy, and he notices you, too. Perhaps it is because, in the distant future, he will most likely marry one of you. It might seem odd that I am writing a letter to teenage girls, when I am raising a teenage boy, but it's you that I know. (I still have not figured him out!) The real truth is, I remember what seems like yesterday, when I was you. So this letter is for you, and what I wish had been said to me. My daughter is only eight right now, but someday she will be a teenage girl, and this is what I will say.

Girly, this letter is for you, because this world will tell you a lot of things that will beat you down and discourage you - this world will hurt you, but what I need to tell you, sweet girl, is that you are so special.

Your worth is not wrapped up in your performance in school, on the athletic field, the stage, your role as a daughter, or in what other girls think about you. Your worth has nothing to do with whether or not you can get a boy to like you, or even if you have a boyfriend before your highschool graduation. 10 years from now none of that will even matter - and may not be remembered. Your worth does not come from how many likes you get on that instagram photo or followers you gained - there will always be someone out there with more likes and more followers, and trust me, they are not happier or better because of it. Your worth is entirely tied up in Jesus, who found you so valuable that He spent His entire self to get to you. You are an image-bearer of God, and that makes you so incredibly beautiful and priceless- regardless of whether or not you are able to keep up with the trendy styles that she is wearing.

There are always mean girls. And I would be lieing to you, if I told you that meanness magically disappears from your life when you turn 20.  I wish this was not true, and the sad reality is that a lot of times, mean girls grow up into mean women. If only, we could all grow up and leave the meanness behind.  But you don't have to be one of them. Kindness is so beautiful, and so needed in this world - in your school. The most beautiful, attractive girls are the ones who look for the kids that are sad, are lost, that don't fit in, and shower kindness over them. Try it. Learn to put other people first and to look for those people that are just aching for your kindness. Because kindness matters more than you can imagine. People will forget how you look, what you did to be cool, how many goals you scored, how popular you are, how many twitter followers you have, what you wore, but one thing that is hard to forget is how you made them feel. Every single person you meet in this life shares something in common - infinite worth. They matter. When they forget that truth, remind them with your kindness. Oh, and those mean girls, the ones that pretend to be your friend, but trash you behind your back, yeah, be kind to them, too. But girl, hold your head up high and move on, don't let their meanness drag you down, she is the one who is missing out on beautiful, funny, quirky, you. Be kind but walk on. Always be kind.

Being pretty and skinny is not worth losing yourself for. I know all of the hours you have lost staring into the mirror wishing the reflection was something different. I know how you look at her and envy her hair, her eyes, her figure. I know the love/hate relationship you have with food, and how you think that if you could just change this one part of you, then everything would be perfect. But, Honey, it's a big, fat lie. It will take the rest of your life to fight off that lie, but start now. The desire to be someone other than exactly who you were created to be will rob you of life. Being skinny and pretty won't give you security or safety, it won't buy your friends or happiness. Getting into that tiny jean size will not automatically make your life meaningful. Take care of yourself, be healthy and happy, wear that make-up and those cute shoes, but don't lose yourself in the process. Because right now, in this moment, you are so beautiful and so much more than a number on a scale, or an image in the mirror.

You are going to do great things, and your future is bright and beautiful, but don't lose out on the present by longing for the future. Sure big things are ahead - college, marriage, adult freedom - but you will have the rest of your life for that, and you only get one shot to be a kid.  Don't grow up too fast. It is okay to be young and silly and to embrace this time in your life. There will be time for boyfriends and love and adult decisions, but it doesn't have to be now. You cannot ever get back now - don't squander it. Don't wish you were older. You're not an adult yet, and that is okay! So laugh and dance and play, and live in this amazing time between childhood and adulthood - it's magical if you embrace it for what it is. Before you know it, you will be in your thirties, married with children, and this moment will only be a distant memory. Being a teenage girl is tough, I know I just said it was magical, and it is, and can be, but it can also be really, really hard. It gets better.Your problems are real and valid, and they feel so consuming sometimes, but know that they are preparing you for what is ahead. This won't last forever - I promise. Don't wish these years away, though, you could miss out on something breathtakingly beautiful in the journey.

Your parents love you - more than anybody else in this world loves you right now. They are for you. But here is a secret - raising a teenager is tough and being a teenager is tough. Give them grace and hopefully they give you grace as well. You will both make mistakes, and there is always room to do better. Do you want to know another secret? They were teenagers once, too, so they really do know a little bit about you and your struggles. You are in this special place, where you are able to stretch your wings, while still being tucked into the safety and security of your parents. So test those wings, but trust your parents as well, they've been where you are. Their eyes see what you cannot yet see, so let them. There is no guarantee that your teenage friendships will last a lifetime, but your family will. I don't look back at my teenage years and wish that I had listened more to my friends, instead I wish I had listened more to my parents. They are the ones who wanted the best for me and were looking out for me in big ways. The same is probably true of your parents. Let them inside your world, you might be surprised at what they have to offer you - don't miss out on that gift. You can't get this time back with them - ever.

Sweet girl, you are a child of God. There is no boyfriend, bad haircut, cute jeans, or mean girl that can ever take that away from you. Embrace these teenage years, and use this time to allow your heart to fall in love with Jesus, let Him consume your heart right now - not that cute boy, or new app., or meaningless clique. He is the only man guaranteed to still be by your side when you leave the teenage years behind. Be kind to yourself - heap on the grace and embrace the journey. Don't waste too much time thinking about what that silly boy thinks of you or give his words too much weight. Sweetie, you don't need validation from a boy. Give him time and a few years - he is on his own journey, and has a lot of growing up to do before he will be ready to selflessly invest in you. Guard your heart - it's worth guarding - be choosey with who you allow to captivate it.  Let go of the comparisons, and just be the girl God made you to be - she is beautiful - this world needs you. Nobody else can replace you. Hang in there, sweet girl, it is all going to be gloriously okay. You are amazing!

With love and a big hug from a former teenage girl.

[What seems so important and trendy right now will quickly fade. Ahem - the corduroy overalls from my junior year in highschool.]

.5 Little Ways to Connect With your Teen Right Now.

Years ago this used to be a typical mommy blog with photos and recipes and cute little anecdotes about my children. But then it morphed as I morphed into something not altogether different, but different enough that it began to take a new shape, and is now not at all a typical mommy blog. Throughout the changes in my life, which are mirrored here in this little space, I have not lost my passion for being a mom. It is something that I absolutely love. I love it so much, that God has had to do a big work in my heart to show me ways where I was loving it a little too much. There were times when I was wrapping my identity in this parenting gig, and where my tight hold on my children could be considered control. I have had to surrender, and allow God to painfully show me areas where I have tried to increase my role in my kids life and be God for them instead of Mommy. That has been a hard lesson to learn, because I fiercely love these four babies given to me. I desire so much for their lives. But so does God, and He loves them perfectly, and infinitely more and better than I ever could. So while there are things that I have had to release in parenting, there are other things that still remain. One big thing is intentionality.

I simply cannot mother well without being intentional about it. I strive for that, and I miss the mark often allowing exhaustion, frustration, and my own humanness to get in the way. But it is something I pray for and work towards with Jesus working in me. Since becoming a mom to a teenager, I have learned that the intentionality with him has to be kicked up a notch more than even with my littles. I have to make a conscious, daily effort to connect with him in meaningful ways. Teens are a completely different breed than babies, toddlers, and school-aged kiddos. Most of them won't just plop in our lap spilling the content of their day, life, and heart freely out for us. We have to work for that - we have to be intentional. It takes hard work and thought to connect with these kids on the brink of adulthood and the great big world open to them. Relationship building isn't easy, and it is sometimes messy, but it is so necessary. Even though our teens are growing up, maturing, and stretching their wings, they still need us in so many ways. Our job is not finished yet.

I am admittedly new at this, and some of you may have already successfully navigated the teen years with your child. You are a goldmine for us in the trenches, and I would love to hear from you in the comments. But for right now, in my 18 short months of being a mom to a teenager, this is what is working for me.

5 Little Ways to Connect With your Teen Right Now:

1. Say I Love You (and mean it) every single day. When our children are adorable little, chubby babies, it is easy to smother them with hugs, kisses, and multiple daily doses of I love yous. But as they grow and change into a teenager who sometimes snarks, who stands taller than you, and makes you reevaluate everything you thought you knew about parenting, the daily affection and the words I love you may come slower. But I think they are still needed. I believe that this is one of the most beautiful messages that we can give our teens every day, before we send them out the door into a world that sometimes isn't pretty. Let them know that they are loved, cherished, and valuable to their family, to this world, and to God who lovingly placed that value onto them. Before school send them out with an I love you, write it on their facebook wall, send it to them in a text, put a note on his bed or in her lunch, and before you hang up the phone say I love you. Don't miss an opportunity to be intentional about saying these important words. They will make a difference, and they will be noticed.

2. Take time to listen before bed. For some reason I have found that those moments when my son has crawled into bed and is ready for sleep becomes the best time for him to talk. Perhaps it is simply his ploy to stay up a few minutes later, but regardless I will snatch onto them! This time has become invaluable for our relationship, but it takes real intentionality on my part. Sitting on his bed at 10 or 11:00 at night and listening well to his heart, is a little different than sitting on my daughter's bed at 7:00 at night. I am usually exhausted and ready to crawl into my own bed, but those moments of time have become sweet and well-worth the effort. Teens, just like adults, want someone who will listen to them, hear what they are saying, and value their words. If they do not find that in us, they will find it someone else. I am also learning to quiet my own voice during this time and let him talk. Sometimes that is really all he wants - not my opinions, my preaching, my remedies, just my empathy and listening ear.

3. Use Social Media as a Tool to Connect. We live in a day and age that is driven by technology. While we have boundaries set up in our home, and with our teen, we have chosen not to altogether escape it. So instead, I use it to build our relationship. I follow and friend my son wherever he is on social media (I think this is just plain good practice anyway), and I intentionally interact with him in those places. If you are friends with my son on facebook, you will see that his timeline is filled up with his mama. And I am okay with that (and he is too). My teen also happens to be a words of affirmation kid. He craves this and it is one of the ways he feels the most loved, which works well for me in that my best tool is writing. But even if you are not a writer, touching base throughout the day over social media can be a very easy and powerful tool to building your relationship with your teen. It doesn't all have to be serious either, Habi and I have a lot of fun teasing each other on instagram. And that brings me to my next point....

4. Have FUN together. I love having a teenager, because life is just more fun. My littles are amazing and silly, but the humor is so much different with a teen. We laugh and tease one another and have inside jokes with each other, and it all builds into the relationship.We go on coffee dates together or find something to play together. All families are different, and of course, your family will have to set the tone and decide what kind of teasing is appropriate. Perhaps what we find fun, you may find disrespectful and visa versa. Do what works for you, and find the balance that you need, but don't neglect the richness of laughter, joking and having fun with your teen. Maximize those moments and allow spontaneous fun to happen in your home.

5. Focus on the Positive. I know that raising a teen can be so stressful and hard. Believe me I have solidarity with you in yearning to reach my child's heart and see him mature and grow into a beautiful adult. I know that there are many days where I focus so much on the changes and maturing that needs to occur, but when I step back and look at the whole of my son, I can see some incredible positives. Affirm those positives in your teen - even the little ones. Positive affirmation and calling out the great character traits in our teens is huge and will make a big difference in our relationship. Let compliments generously roll off your tongue - look for ways to build your child up. With my boy, when I can do this in front of people, he just beams and swells with appreciation. So I take every opportunity to loudly recognize the positives that I see in him.

These are just a few simple ways that I am connecting with my teen right now. I am sure that there are countless other ways that I may not yet practice. I would love to interact with you in the comments about what works for you. This is definitely not a exhaustive list, but one that may get us started in being intentional with our teens.

.Tostitos Theology.

I was fixing a quick dinner for my family of six - nachos. I know, I know, a really healthy and nutritious way to start off our New Year. As I dumped tortillas from the Tostitos bag  into a pan, a quote on the back of the bag caught my eye, and made my heart sink. I knew it was just a marketing tool - one that seemed cute and catchy and innocent. But the message is so pervasive in our culture, that it seemed to be none of those. I took a quick photo and posted the quote on instagram, but my mind has continually mulled it over.

Just less than two years ago, we were the parents of only littles, and while somedays felt complicated with parenting, really our greatest challenge was potty-training, ABCs, and the occasional sass. But then we were literally thrown into the trenches of parenting a teenager - a half grown up child who has presented much more serious parenting challenges - issues we had not dreamed of tackling for years - when we ourselves were much more "grown up". We have learned that this parenting thing is no joke - it is hard - harder than we ever imagined. So, maybe it is because we are now parenting a teenager that the quote sunk into my heart, or maybe it is simply because it is just all wrong. I don't want my children to believe this lie, and I don't want to fall prey to it either.

BUT it is human nature.

That idea of hiding our sin goes all the way back to the garden of Eden. It is our natural tendency to hide it - to cover it up. Perhaps we think that it never happened if we can hide it (or it is like it never happened if we hide it so that no one catches us), or that we won't have to face the consequences if we cover it up. Without going into specifics in order to respect my son, I will say that this is the biggest area of discipline that we are facing. However, I know it is not just unique to our boy, as it is a big issue in my own life. We lie and cover up sins to protect ourselves and to protect our relationships. So many times we are caught in this cycle of sinning and then quickly lieing to cover it up, and the reasons we do this are vaster then I could ever write about in one little post.

The truth is, though, we can never really hide, and we have been freed from having to hide because of the gospel and Jesus. That should take our breath away and lift such a burden from our shoulders. We don't have to hide! This doesn't give us permission to sin, but being human and understanding the gospel makes us realize that we are all broken by sin, and we will continue to sin while on this earth. If we were perfect and didn't sin there would be no need for the gospel and Jesus. So when we inevitably do, we don't need to cover it up or hide. The good news is that Jesus absorbed all of our sin on that cross, and He is continually calling us out from the darkness of hiding into the light of His freedom. The gospel of Jesus promises the release from the bondage of sin - from having to hide. Rather, we are to confess our sins and find his mercy and grace.

We need to acknowledge our mistakes, our messes, our sins, and confess them. We are able to do this because the gospel promises forgiveness not judgement. God's beautiful grace allows us to have the confidence that we never have to fall back into hiding our sins. They have already been dealt with - the price has already been paid.

We've already been caught, and set free.

.The Truth Is.

It plagues me.

I've never talked about this here - or anywhere, and I never have allowed myself to realize how much this haunts me - until today. I'm going there, but I am not yet sure if I can make myself publish this.

I dream about it, waking up in a cold sweat, heart pounding, and my stomach queasy. Fear hangs over me, and I hate it. It dampens the joy a bit, and it hovers mockingly. I know the fear is not from God. I wish that  fear would just leave my life forever. Its grip is cruel and ridiculous. I am frustrated that I am still dealing with this old, horrible issue. The same issue I have battled my entire life.

I fear this will all end, and he will be sent back. To type that just adds to the fear, to admit "out loud" the possibility that this really could come to an abrupt and ugly halt. And although sometimes my fears are irrational, this one is wrapped up in reality. I know that my God is bigger, and I know and marvel over all that God did to join our family together. But the fear snakes around my heart and hisses the fact that his visa expires this July, and that really, we have no ties to him. That's only a little over three months away. I know the truth that he can stay on an expired visa, but just the thought of an expired visa makes my heart race a little faster.

The truth is, he's not mine.

As much as I feel like he is, as much as I know in my heart that he is my son, and that there is no difference with the way I love him, then if I had carried him nine months and birthed him; I also realize that beyond that, I have no real, legal rights to him as my son. And just being completely transparent, it is a scary place to be. I have lost my heart completely to this child. I am trying to savor every single moment, with the knowing that it could be taken away. It makes me physically sick to understand what that means - for him - for us.

My camera documents everything, my eyes and heart have been opened to anything that we can celebrate and cherish and applaud. I have written down memories upon memories, and I have tucked so many of our conversations into my heart. These past, almost eight months, I have poured my life out into all four of my children, but especially into him, because if something happens, if this all comes to a crashing, horrific ending, I don't ever, ever want him to question whether he was loved, wanted, and cherished.

The truth is, none of these children are mine, and for a person with chronic control issues, that's a tough pill to swallow. I know that any of the four could succumb to an illness or a horrible accident at any time. I know the truth that they are all God's, and that He is just letting me steward the responsibility of raising them in the here and now. Tomorrow is not promised. But I don't sit in fear over the other three. It's just the one.

I am not just sitting here wallowing in fear, though; we are fighting to make this permanent. Most days that knowledge let's me push back the fear. But today it's choking me. I just want to cocoon my family away from the world, away from the questions as to why we chose this, and the accusations about why we post on facebook so much about Habi, and why we make such a big deal about Habi, well, I guess this is an authentic, painful peak into the why. I guess this is one of the reasons why we are told not to judge people, because so many times we do not have all of the facts. Perhaps if you were in my shoes, with the reality that you could lose your child, you would do something differently. I hope that I would accept that.

There is nothing beautiful or glamorous about this post. It's not very thought-out or well-written, and I cannot wrap it up into a sweet, little spiritual conclusion that ends in a but it's all going to be alright. We have no guarantee that this will end the way we are fighting for it to end. What I can do, is hug that big boy extra tightly when he comes home tonight, and memorize the way he smells, and the sound of his laugh, the way his hair curls against his ears, and how his eyes light up when Jamesy says a word, and the kindness that radiates from him when he is helping Scotty, and the spunky way that he picks on Cadi, and then moments later wraps her in his arms and tells her what a good sister she is. I can celebrate his 100% on his vocabulary tests which he worked so hard on studying for, and I can notice the way he watches his dad, then emulates him, and beams when his dad calls the man out in him. For today that is what I can do. I cannot do anything to be certain that this will last, or that he is here to stay, but I can be present in the here and now. I can and I will do that.

And for today, that will have to be enough.

.What It's {really} Like.

We chose him. I saw his photo, and I knew he was mine. I've shared before that knowing what we know now, we still would have chosen him. We knew that he had special needs (I pray someday a new better word is created for this.), and we knew that the extent of those needs was unknown. But he was and is our son.

We chose him understanding this.

So because of that, I sometimes feel as if I cannot admit to how hard it can be living out this reality. I am nervous that the people who never supported our decision to adopt in the first place, will have ammunition to throw in our faces. I wish I didn't care and that it didn't hurt, but it does. So I only share bits and pieces of the hard, and then I feel guilty for even that. I want to live transparently and truthfully.

And truthfully many days, my world is filled with hard, pain, intensity, and guilt.

Everything changed the moment we brought Jameson home. It does with every new child brought into a home, but with Jamesy the change was drastic and intensified. Although Jamesy was no longer blind, it seemed every few months we were receiving a new diagnosis for him. His latest diagnosis came this fall, and it made so many pieces to our sweet Jamesy puzzle fall into place. So many things about him make sense now. Autism. While the diagnosis remains unofficial, he was evaluated this fall by a child Psychiatrist, who given the outcomes of his tests, solidly believes he is definitely on the spectrum - he came out right in the middle of the spectrum for everything. He cannot get the official diagnosis until he is seen by a specialist (we have an appointment for 2 years from now - that's small town living for you).

The past, almost three years, have been hard. The hardest of my entire life, and the loneliest. I thought the adoption journey was lonely, but I had no idea what this parenting journey would bring. I thought that after Jamesy got home things would settle, and that I would just be one of "the moms" again. But I stopped being able to relate somewhere along the way. Perhaps it was because my little guy was missing milestones left and right, and I was fighting to get help for him. I began to feel very alone as a mom. My Jamesy was different. He came to us, different from us, and the majority of our world, in appearances, and now it was more and more obvious that he was different in every way. For a long time I thought it was attachment, and that maybe I had not done enough to cocoon him in the beginning and help him learn to bond and attach, and I felt deep, painful, guilt. Maybe those hours (hours where I had to miss out on spending time with my Cadi and Scotty) spent every afternoon, every night in the rocking chair, rocking his screaming, writhing, little body weren't enough. Maybe I should have done more. I felt guilt for the moments that he would scream out at night, and my eyes would squeeze tightly shut in exhaustion at the thought of having to get up and go to him again. Maybe he somehow knew that there were moments that I would have given anything to pull the covers back up over my head. Maybe if I had caught the seizures when we first brought him home, and pushed the doctors to do tests, maybe then his brain would not be so shambled, and he would have begun talking on time. Maybe because I was so busy homeschooling Cadi, and entertaining Scotty, and praying my heart out for Habi to survive the streets, I didn't work hard enough with Jamesy, and maybe that is why he was so far behind. Maybe a year was too early to leave him and get away for a bit with my husband. All these thoughts have plagued me, and the guilt has hung heavy on my shoulders. It's all from the enemy, and while I know that, it is still hard to shake it off and grab hold of the truth.

I love my Jameson so much my heart hurts to look at him sometimes. He is beautiful and funny and so, so smart. Someday the world will see how smart he is, and until then I will be his biggest fan. Jamesy has brought big joy into our home and so much laughter. He is vibrant and adorable and ours. His giggles send the whole family running to see what's so funny. His smile is magnetic, and he draws people into his world even when he is not easily drawn into theirs. He is affectionate and he is teaching me so much about the heart of God. I do not regret one moment of mommying him. He is so much a part of our family, that it is impossible to imagine our life without him. I look at him, and I forget that it was not I who birthed him.

Yet there remains excruciating moments, like when I watch a friend's baby -over 2 years younger then mine - do things that my Jamesy still cannot do. Or when I hear my nephew, who is a year younger, carry on a full, articulate conversation. It's in those moments that my heart breaks, and I feel as if I cannot breathe. It is in those moments when I see my baby's reality, and fear for his future digs its icy fingers into my heart. As hard as many of my days are, I know Jamesy's are hard too. Every thing is work for him. What we take for granted and comes so easily to so many of us is hard, hard work for my boy. And that hurts his mommy's heart. But I know that this is building perseverance and character in him, and in me.

My reality is that the past three years have been hard. I have gone through denial, anger, guilt, sadness, and probably even a touch of depression. There are days when I feel trapped in my home, and the only release I have is social media. So I go to it, just to know that there is an outside world beyond these four walls - sometimes to make myself find the beauty in the here and now, and sometimes to vent just to hear from others that I am really not alone. There are moments, as an introvert, where I feel such a need to get away from it all - just to breathe and refresh. I am just now starting to deal with some of my feelings in all of this and process the hurt and the fears and the horrible guilt. My husband has been my rock, and he has listened to me cry and scream and battle these thoughts, and all the while he is battling his own.

Through this all, I do feel hope. Hope that this is not it. Hope that God has beautiful plans for our family - for our Jamesy. Hope for Jamesy's future. Hope that somehow all of the pain is being worked into something more beautiful then I could imagine and something way bigger then ourselves. Hope that I am truly not alone, and every step of the way I am being gently guided. Hope that though I will never be strong enough for this, Jesus is so perfected in all my weaknesses, and He never asked for my strength. He asked me to be willing, and even now at the end of the day, I am still willing.

Though I share this transparently, I don't do it for sympathy or for my readers to feel sorry for me - I'm not looking for pity. I do it for those of you who feel isolated, fearful, guilty, tired, abandoned, etc. I want you to know that you are not alone. I am not alone. Jesus is near.

.Cadi's Story.

She is so much like me when it comes to writing. I find her stories scattered around the house, so much like the stories I used to write as a little girl. She is filling up her first journal, and I admit I have taken a peek, and she is a deep thinker with an old soul. I love this about my Cadi. However, this particular story disturbed me so much, that I had to write about it in order to process it. Here is what she wrote:

Alice Gives

by Cadi

Alice! Mommy called. Time to go to church.

No. said Alice.

Now. said Mommy.

But Mommy, Janie makes fun of me.

Janie? said Mommy questioningly. I thought Janie was your best friend.

She is, but our family is black and her family is white. She doesn't like black people. So she makes fun of me.

Well, I will talk to Janie's parents when we go to church, okay Hon?

Okay. said Alice.

Wait. I have to get something. said Alice.

Janie always liked this doll of mine. Her name is Anna. I will give it to her at church.

Good for you. said Mommy. Good for you!

Such a short, simple story, but it broke my heart. Because, although the characters have been changed, I know my Cadi has experienced rejection from a girl "friend" because she has two black brothers. What bothers me so much is that, although we are all born as sinners, from all that I have experienced, understand, and researched, children are taught racism and prejudice, primarily by their parents. So this little girl, in 2013, is growing up in a Christian home, and whether through spoken teachings or simply actions, is being taught at the very least, that black people are inferior to white people.

And I am just wondering how we can reach the world with the gospel of Jesus when our children are being taught such lies?

We are all made in God's image. I have stated that so many times here, and it is something so close to my heart. When we look at people and see the image of Almighty God it should propel us to love. One thing, I think, we followers of Jesus, fail to recognize, is that we are all made in the image of God - made. That means we are born in the image of God - every single person shares some traits of our Heavenly Father. Every person.

yes, that homeless bum on the street,

yes, that prostitute selling her body on the corner,

yes, that disabled child confined to a wheelchair,

yes, our black president,

yes, the cashier at the grocery store,

yes, your child's teacher,

yes, the mailman,

yes, that man on death row.

They all bare the image of God! 

When we stop and look at people through that lens it should change everything. Our family has been told so many times that racism and prejudices no longer exist in our country. I can say through shaking lips and tear-filled eyes, that they absolutely do exist, and they exist right in our own churches. Perhaps it is not as overt as it once was, but that does not make it any less damaging, any less sinful, any less hurtful.

My eyes are being opened to things I would have rather stayed blind to. It is horrible to see this kind of hate from the world, let alone fellow followers of  Jesus, toward my beloved children/family. It hurts to see how the Church has perpetuated this lie, and how destructive it is.

A few months back we were talking with Habi in the van on the way home from somewhere. He was absolutely astonished to learn that Jesus is not white. We explained how he probably looked more middle Eastern - dark complexioned, dark hair - probably even similar coloring to our Jamesy. Habi was dumbstruck, as he had been fed the American lies, by American mission teams, that went to Africa and showcased a white Jesus. I nearly sobbed, as I realized all that little statement meant to him, and I literally watched his heart melt and his defenses crumble as this truth sunk in. And that very night, Habi surrendered and asked Jesus to be the leader of his life. But it was not until we erased that lie.

Something needs to break and change inside of us until it is not us versus them anymore, until it is just us collective - a broken, fallen people, yes, made in the image of God, who all need rescuing. Not one of us is better or more deserving than the other. I want to see a difference in my daughter's generation, but when things like her story creep up, I feel discouraged and so sad.

Thankful to serve a God who loves justice and will one day right all of this horrible, horrible wrong.

.Grace for Those Mommying Days - You Know the Ones.

If you are a mommy you have had one or will have one. It's inevitable that you will have mornings where you wake up empty and spent from a long night of little sleep. Coffee does little to recharge you and a fog takes over your head. You know the days I am talking about, when you do not think you can change one more diaper, or pick up one more block, or help with one more homework assignment. The days when you feel like your head will implode when you are asked again where this is and that is. The moment when you realize you have read his favorite book 2000 times and you think you cannot possibly mumble through it for the 2001st time, and forget the character voices and the animated narration because they. aren't. happening. I'm talking about the days where you think that surely someone else could sweep into your home and do it all better. When you look to your right and to your left and see her mothering better and her and her. You see that mom over there, the one that has it all together. For the days that you want to curl back in bed and throw the covers over your head because you have failed so many times before breakfast has ever even hit the cereal bowl.

You've had one of those days, right?

Me too. And, especially for those days, it is time to give ourselves a little grace.

Grace for Those Mommying Days:

1. I will grasp the truth that the moment I became Mommy, I traded in my perfect house for an authentic, lived in, loved on home.
2. My success as a mommy is not wrapped up in clean dishes, clean clothes, or clean children, rather in children who are secure in the love of their mommy and her Jesus.
3. God gave these children to me, knowing that they were perfectly created to expose my weaknesses - the very weaknesses that God's power is perfected through.
4. I will remember that this life is a vapor when my child is making her 100th excuse at bedtime, and I will hold her a little closer knowing today is a gift and tomorrow is not promised.
5. I will get on the floor and tickle and laugh and build block castles; I will forget the telephone, the computer, and the to-do list momentarily, for I know that childhood is a season and someday I will miss this.
6. I will purpose to see Jesus in the middle of the mess and share Him tangibly with each child - this season of soft-tender hearts is brief.
7. My apologies will come quickly when I lose my temper, mess up, and fall short; children need to see that Mommy is human and humble and values how she treats them.
8. I will  invite my children to laugh and be silly and dance and be wild, because this one beautiful life should be lived with crazy joy.
9. I will embrace the moment, looking past the chaos, and reflecting on the beauty in the here and now.
10. I will always, always, always say I love you and mean it.

[Printable here.]

Go on Mommy, give yourself grace. Jesus already has.

.What to Consider Before Saying "Yes" to Bringing an Older Child Home.

There was so much behind the scenes that went on in the year and a half before we brought our Habi home. To some looking in from the outside, it may have seemed like we made a rash decision, but I can assure you that we seriously counted the cost before saying "yes".  I encourage any family considering adoption, especially bringing an older child home, to carefully count the cost ahead of time.

There are many reasons that a family may choose to grow their family differently than through the typical way of birth. Jim and I are unashamedly followers of Jesus, we have trusted Him with our life. His love for us, and His gospel, impacts every area of our life - including this one of family planning. The Gospel reveals to us how broken, abandoned and orphaned we were prior to God adopting us as His children. This beautiful picture of redemption has penetrated our hearts in such a way that we desire to bring that picture tangibly right into our living room, our heart, home, and family. We don't adopt or bring children into our family from hard places because we are super spiritual, or because we are looking for a pat on the back, or because we are expecting anything in return from these children.

We have adopted because we were adopted, and we want to imitate, in a minuscule way, what God did for us when He adopted us into His family. We believe that in adopting children, it is not our family who is glorified, but rather through our weaknesses and struggles, in bringing children from hard places right into the heart of our family, God is lifted up and His glory is manifested in a very unique and powerful way through us. While we believe that God works in the heart and the life of the lonely when He sets them into a family (Ps. 68:6), we truly believe that He also works in the heart and life of the entire family in order that He might break us, change us and give us glimpses into the depths of the heart of our Daddy in heaven and the redemptive work His Son did for us on the cross.

Bringing children from hard places into our family is beautiful and worth it, but it is not romantic, it is not a fairy-tale, it is not promised to go smoothly, or even to work out perfectly in the end. When we are a follower of Jesus, and our hearts and motives are in-line with His, it is kingdom work. And kingdom work is always, always hard. We are promised hard (John 16:33). This kingdom work of living out the Gospel tangibly, of making redemption visible in one's home, of raising children - especially those precious ones who come to us with deep trauma and wounds, is hard stuff. It is something that needs to be understood and considered before ever saying "yes" to that child. Here are some things one may consider before saying "yes" to an older child:

• Disrupting Birth Order: Will bringing home this child disrupt the established birth order in your home? Adopting out of birth order is a hot topic, and it is an area that many social workers disagree upon. While we did not end up adopting Habi internationally, but rather brought him home on a student visa, we prepared exactly as we would have for an adoption. This meant talking things over with our social worker, whom we trust and respect very much. She knew our family well, because of our previous adoption, and she felt comfortable in our bringing Habi into our family unit. The majority of thought and prayer needs to be placed upon the child who will be getting disrupted. In our family that was our six year old daughter. As parents, you know your child best, but it is wise to research other families who have successfully broken birth order and gather wisdom from their experience. Not every child will be able to handle being displaced in the family. Perhaps the child will never be able to deal with it, or perhaps the timing may have to wait a few years and be revisited again. Jim and I sat down with our oldest daughter several times in this process, and we talked through what our family might look like when she was no longer the oldest child. We acknowledged her fears, and we prayed over and targeted potential pitfalls. We are being purposeful in looking at each of our children as individuals and making them each feel special and unique, no matter where they land in our family. Because it matters to Cadi, we now have the oldest boy and the oldest girl in our family, and although we have worked through a few bumps in the past three months, Cadi is sliding into her new spot in the family so graciously. We will continue to keep communication open with her and encourage her in her role as both the big and little sister now.
• Think Through Serious Situations: Many times, especially true with international adoption, there is very little information given about a child's background. Because of this many unexpected and serious situations can arise when an older child is brought home that can put that child and other members of your family in danger. This is nothing to fear, but it is something to very seriously and prayerfully think over and prepare for. Many children from hard places have sadly experienced sexual abuse, sexual promiscuity, and horrific physical abuse and violence. These precious children may come with very deep, emotional wounds. This absolutely cannot be ignored, and safeguards must be put into place to protect that older child and any other children that may already be in the home. Parents need to honestly discuss this possibility with each other and with wise authorities - whether it be social workers, counselors, pastors, etc. I do not believe a family can be over-prepared in this area. If you are looking for specific ways in which we safe-guarded our home and in the established plan we set in place, I will be happy to go into more detail privately in an email.
• Expect Nothing in Return: Jim and I believe this should be true in every adoption - not just older child adoption. We did not adopt (or birth for that matter) children because of what they could give us or for them to fulfill a need that we have. Only Jesus can fulfill us, and it is not fair to put that kind of expectation on any human - especially a child. We brought Jamesy and Habi home with as little to no expectations as we humanly could. Our children owe us nothing - our children through adoption nor our home -grown children either. We did not adopt them to receive their thankfulness or gratefulness in return for adopting them. Even if Jamesy and Habi never learned to trust us, never returned our love, never attached or bonded with us, and lived ungratefully within our family, it is still what God asked of us. It is still right and His plan. Of course we desire for our children to be respectful, loving, and kind, and yes, even appreciative of the grace God has given all of us, but we will love our children no matter what. This is not about us or what we can gain from these children. In parenting, especially children that come from trauma, our feelings have to be tucked away sometimes, because it is not about how we feel. We will never force gratitude upon our children. We will model it, but honestly it is Jesus Who deserves all of the gratitude anyway.
• Prepare Ahead of Time: Older children who have been without a family for many years may not know how to live inside of a family. Even if the child is a teenager, he or she, may have no idea what a family functions like. He or she may have no real understanding of what role a Dad and Mom plays. Some children may have difficulty jumping right into a family and parental authority. Plan for this, prepare for this, and establish an idea for how you will work through this in your family before the child comes home. It is vital to carefully think through how your family can be intentional about modeling family. There will be a lot of teaching about what is expected in a family that needs to occur. Along with that are cultural issues to consider and educate oneself about - even ones as simple as teaching the child to ride in a vehicle with a seat belt on, there are also potential language barriers to work through. It can be helpful to purchase a small dictionary in your child's birth language or find a mentor to help with communication, especially in the first few months at home.
• Commit to the Marathon: Parenting is never a 50 yard dash, but one should especially look at it as a long-term marathon when parenting an older child, that has been added into your family. It will take patience, stamina, and more grace than you can even imagine ahead of time (but that will  be offered to you when you most need it). Consider all of the time and energy that will need to go into bringing a child home - especially if you have only parented younger children up to this point. Older children come with more intense schedules and in general busier lives. Is this something that your family is ready for? Talk to people who know your family well, encourage them to pray with you and ask them to honestly evaluate how ready your family is to undertake an older child. Remember that it may take years for a family unity to develop - years of blood, sweat, and tears. It may happen quickly, as each child and family is unique, but it is best to prepare for the long road. Support in this marathon is absolutely vital. Find some friends who are in the same journey and pray for each other as you encourage one another to persevere in the day-to-day. Be open with your family and friends who are not on the inside of the same marathon, let them be part of it, invite a village to surround you, and if possible do that before your child comes home.

Don't be fearful of the older children. If you are being called to adoption, I invite you to prayerfully consider the older children. It is not right for everyone, just like adoption in general is not right for everyone. It is not something to be walked into lightly, as it changes everything. Each family has been uniquely gifted to work in God's kingdom. I simply invite you to explore whether or not your family has been equipped for an older child, and then I advise you to count the cost ahead of time, prepare, educate, and consider what it means for your family if you do say "yes". In everything we need to keep our perspective vertical and always go to our Source. God is the author of families. Let Him alone author yours. He will never lead you wrong.

When you say "yes" to an older child, you invite intensity into your home. There is no way around that. You invite the need for Jesus like you have never needed Him before. Jesus is the only Healer of hearts, and He must be present in our homes. Though His healing may take time, and though the process may be painful and hard, we do not believe that the struggle is the finish line. We believe that God promises the victory, but we believe that He uses the struggle along the way and that healing does indeed come in the morning. Praying to this end in our family and in yours. Because His grace really is enough, and He is good.

.Targeting the Heart.

The way Jim and I have chosen to discipline in our home is to discipline heart behaviors rather than just the offenses that are a result of the heart behavior. We try to make Cadi see the heart issue for herself by asking probing questions. I am not going to pretend that we are perfect and follow through perfectly every time, but we really strive for consistency and have found good results thus far in our home.

I am writing this to share with you a really great (and inexpensive!!) resource for targeting the heart of children. It is a little pamphlet by Ginger Plowman called Wise Words for Moms .

I am going to explain how this works out practically in case this concept is new to some. Here is my disclaimer, though. I am going to use an actual incident that we have encountered and corrected in Cadi. I would normally never do this. I am under the strong belief that correction and discipline is a private and intimate experience we have with our children. I do not want to exploit that or my child. I am proceeding cautiously and hope to portray this scenario with dignity. I believe the Bible wants me to exhort my children, but for this purpose I will share - cautiously.

Scenario: Cadi does not pick up her toy room after being asked.

Correction: Rather than focusing on Cadi's action - not cleaning up the toy room, we focus on her heart behavior - defeat or giving up. We would ask her some heart questions such as What if Jesus had given up and not died on the cross? or What should you do when tempted to give up? Then we would share truth from the Bible 2 Thessalonians 3:13 Do not give up and do not rely on your own strength. We would talk to her about getting rid of (putting off) this action of giving up and instead using (putting on) perseverance (something we have really focused on in our home). Finally we would pray with Cadi that God would give her the strength to persevere - even when it's hard and we might share some encouraging verses with her at this time.

What this pamphlet does is give topics, heart questions, verses of reproof, verses of encouragement and additional verses. It is such a wonderful tool. This weekend while traveling to my sister's home for her yard sale I am taking it with us to memorize some of these verses while we travel. I have trouble always remembering them when I am in the midst of correction.

How does your family handle disobedience?


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.On Preserving their Innocence (again).

It's not just boundaries and rules.

It's more than just cutting cable, eliminating movies, and secular music.

It's not enough to train our daughters to dress modestly, to teach our sons to bounce their eyes.

This issue lies in the heart - our heart as a parent and then our children's heart.

Proverbs 4:23 Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.

We can go round and round about the tentacles of the issue for days. How should we dress our little girls? Should Disney movies be allowed? Is it okay to keep our cable? Etc., etc. But what it all comes down to is the motives in our heart. Each family must choose, for themselves, through prayer and searching out the Scriptures, what is right for their family. I cannot say what is right for your family and visa-versa. Yes, there are very clear Biblical standards that we all must abide by, and I am not debating those.

My last post was merely myself working out in writing how to do this for our family. I also wanted to bring light to a subject that I feel is all too often ignored in Christian circles. Some of the standards set by other families that I read in your comments were incredible, and gave me much to consider. Some I knew right away were not the right fit for our family, but I don't judge anyone for the conclusions they come to. I think as Christians, we have to be very careful with issues such as this. We need to be careful not to be self-righteous in our thinking and attitudes towards others who do not hold to the same standards. It is a balance. Yes, it is hard to decipher how to balance at times - how to speak the truth in love, but not be judgmental and self-righteous. I am earnestly praying to guard my own heart against this, because to be honest I have failed in this area more times than I care to admit.

Having set this as my prelude, I do want to highlight some of the comments that made me really think. I am sure not everyone got to read through them, and some were just too good to miss! Thank you for participating in the discussion. I loved that! I do enjoy hearing a variety of opinions, so please feel free to share if you have some thoughts. Let's just be respectful and keep it kind. {grin}

We are very cautious at what they [daughters] wear and now that they are 12 and 9, I am so thankful that we had those standards set in place before they started changing...I think that is the best way to say that. ;) I challenge you to keep your feet on the path you have laid before you now. It gets tough.

When we watch shows as a family, we have to turn off commercials, because many are completely inappropriate!

Running the risk of sounding like a boyscout, it's my job as Mommy to protect and prepare the kiddos. As much as I want to hide them away from the impurities of life, I know I also need to teach them to deal with them and why these things aren't beneficial or God honoring.

No one else is going to fight for our child's innocence. WE, their parents, have to be willing to fight for it.

But ultimately, we answer to our GOD not to man. He is the righteous Judge and lover of our souls...and the souls of our children. (Lord willing...)

I do, however, think we need to be very congnisant of how we're teaching it to our children. You were very good to point out in your post that these were choices that YOUR family is making and that you're not judging others. However, when we teach it to our children, I think we must be careful to teach them in the same vein so that we don't inadvertantly teach them to judge others.

While we need to filter what they see, we need to teach them how to deal with what they DO see, too.

My husband and I come from very immoral pasts and we are very sensitive to what we subject our children too, until their foundation is built and we are confident they are able to battle the world.

For me, the biggest challenge is modeling this behavior for my children.

We believe that our job as their parents is to protect them and teach them right from wrong. It doesn't matter what the world thinks is right; it matters what God thinks is right.

Obviously I can not shelter my children from seeing someone walking in a mall who is scantily clad or has decided the whole world is privileged to see her cleavage for free. But I can talk to my children about it when they are shocked that someone would want to represent themselves to the world that way.

I wish my parents had sheltered me more.

To me, the bottom line is that we are accountable for how we raise our own children, not whether other people think they're too sheltered or something.

And this last comment that I will share hits the nail on the head for me.

As far as the sheltering goes. I don't see that as a bad thing. God is the perfect example of a parent and he most definitely shelters us. All throughout the Psalms, the Bible talks about God being our Shelter.
Here is just one such passage:

Psalm 91:1 Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 2 This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him. 3 For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease.

The other thing mentioned by other commenters is that when we 'shelter' our kids too much then they won't know how to deal with the world when they get out of the house. I don't think this is true either. As I mentioned in my earlier response, God tells us to be wise about what is good and simple about what is evil, and he tells us to get wisdom all throughout the proverbs and then tells us that wisdom is PURE... And the verse that Tiffany mentioned about thinking on things that are good and true and lovely, etc. Do you really think that God will tell us that, and then say "Well, you do that, but I'm not going to give you the skill and guidance to cope with the evils in the world when you go out into it." I mean, really? What kind of God do you think he is? He loves us, and guides us, and protects us, and leads us... Not just when we are sheltered in our home, but when we face the choices and evils of the world as well. Knowing what is good IS enough to guide us... God doesn't say we need to dabble in evil and sin and experience it on the fringes so that we know what we are up against. NOPE. He says he wants our hearts to be pure, good, true, honest, innocent... When you are full of light, it is easy to recognize darkness...

I loved seeing your hearts, dear readers. If this post brought something else to light for you, please share! It is so encouraging and interesting for me to read your thoughts!

Now I must go back into hiding for a bit! {wink}




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.It's About the Moments.

A moment cherished between a brother and his sister.

A moment in time

that could have been missed

had my heart not been attentive

my mind slowed

my body still.

These moments are heaven sent

they tumble in one right after the other.

A moment cannot last.

A moment cannot be held.

It stays long enough

to be cherished

to be wasted

to be missed.



So I sit for awhile.

I slow down life's place.

I think.

I reflect.

I enjoy.

A moment cherished must be embraced.