.In the Pursuit.

I first published this post over a year ago, and after some events yesterday - a really, really hard day, I came here defeated, discouraged, and battle-worn. The Spirit led me to this post, and reminded me of just how relentlessly I am being pursued. I realized that we are still very much right here in the pursuit with our oldest. I needed to read these words again. Perhaps you do as well. HE is pursuing YOU.
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In the middle of these vivid, beautiful autumn days, it is hard to write. Not because there is nothing to write, or because time is stretched paper thin; for both of those are true. It's just raw here. I wrestle with the words that should go down on the screen and the ones that should stay tightly locked inside my Mommy's heart. Some of this seems so sacred, too sacred to expose.

I have known twice now what it is to fight for a child. I have known the pain and fear that can consume nights as my mind would wonder over the safety of children - children that my heart birthed the moment my eyes met theirs. My fingers have signed hundreds of papers and filled out checks that totalled more than my husband makes in an entire year. I have conquered fears and stepped on an airplane to fly over the ocean {shiver} not once, but six times for these children. I have this passion that burns and smolders inside of me because of this fight. A passion that at times causes more trouble, in my human mind, than it is worth; for the first time in my life I am trying to learn when to hold my tongue and when to speak. Because I feel like for the first time in my life, I actually have something to say. I have battled red tape and cried rivers of wet, searing tears through road blocks, begging God to break down the chains that kept my children from a family. I have watched God peel layers off of my heart, my eyes, and my life. I have painfully endured broken friendships because of choices God led us to make for these children. At the same time I have been blessed with new friendships that could have only grown out of this fight for my children. I have prayed in a way that I have never prayed before, and I have stood in the middle of a move of God. I do not recognize the girl in the mirror anymore, because after three years of battling for the lives of these children, I look less like a girl and more like the battle-worn woman that I now am. And while it is worth it - a million times over worth it, I am still learning how to fit inside this new skin.

And the battle is not over.

After all of the battling to get these boys into our home, I am now fighting for their hearts. In the middle of this vivid, beautiful autumn, I am specifically fighting for the heart of my big boy. Perhaps I was naive, and didn't realize that the real battle was not in getting my boy here, but it was actually in battling for him to know down deep in those broken, hurt pieces of his heart that he is ours. Forever. There is nothing easy about loving a child who has known no love. There is nothing easy about sharing the value and worth that Jesus places on all of us with a child who has been told he was worthless his entire life. There is nothing easy in dieing to my  feelings everyday in order to teach a child how to accept being loved and cherished inside of a family. It is scary and messy and the outcome is unknown.

It is humbling and knocks my pride flat on its face, because by all human standards, I am under-equipped to love him in this way that his heart so desperately needs. There can be no off days here - there is never time to hit the snooze button in this battle - it is a relentless, desperate, all-in, vicious pursuit of his heart. A pursuit that I am just too weak for. I am powerless. Except I am not because of the cross and Jesus. God uses the weak, the powerless, the imperfect, the fearful, the worthless and inadequate - He uses me - and as He indwells me His love through me becomes perfectly equipped to be the exact love that my big boy needs.

Every morning as I drag my exhausted body out of bed, long before the sun ever lights the sky, and tie on my proverbial running shoes, I begin another day of chasing - chasing this boy and his heart. It's uphill and hard, and I am sweaty and tired. It's consuming and messy. The chase is anything but choreographed and rhythmic. It is a limb-flailing, red-faced, panting, spitting, all-out energy zapping, sweat soaking kind of chasing. But something strange is happening in this chasing, I am getting a tiny window view of the chase that is happening for my own heart. I see the relentless pursuit of Jesus to win my heart - my whole heart - even those ugly, broken parts.

As I chase and flail after this boy born of my heart, and as my hot breath reaches his neck and my arms squeeze around his pounding, fearful chest, I, too, feel the hot breath of my Savior on my neck, I feel His arms wrap around all of my fears.

 I feel His pursuit every time I pursue.

My big boy and I  - we are both being pursued. And the pursuit is hot, hard, and beautiful. In this pursuit I am learning to love and to be loved. There is something beautiful in this chase - in being pursued and in pursuing. It's not a beauty that is neat and tidy and easy and comfortable. It is a beauty that is being unwrapped little by little, a beauty that is painfully awakened in the faithful, excruciating pursuit. A pursuit that may take years - a marathon of tearing down those lies, the hurt, the abandonment, the ugly deceit and bitterness that is walled around his heart, and the chase is made possible only from His perfect love inside of me as He chases me down.

The best Love in the world was given through the shedding of blood. The best Love took a toll on the body. The best Love gave up its life.

The best Love pursues and pursues, and pursues, and because Someone is chasing me every moment of everyday in order to win the battle over my heart, I, too, battle on and chase the heart of my big boy. Someday I believe his heart will succumb to the pursuit, and so will mine.

*Photo courtesy of Red Ballooon Photography.

.What to Consider Before Saying "Yes" to Bringing an Older Child Home.

[This is a repost from last fall, but I thought it was worth sharing again. The story of the teenage boy in Florida, Davion, who had been in foster care most of his life and went to a church pleading for a family, really hit me hard. It tugged at a lot of people, and went viral. Our family is really passionate about children without families, but especially teenage boys. It is part of why Mercy Branch Inc. exists. There are so many teenagers in our country's foster system that need people to step up and love them. There are so many stories just like Davion's around our world. I think people are starting to notice the older kids, and that make me so excited. Here are a few things that helped our family immensely when we decided to bring a teenager into our existing family.]


There was so much behind the scenes that went on in the year and a half before we brought our Habi home. To some looking in from the outside, it may have seemed like we made a rash decision, but I can assure you that we seriously counted the cost before saying "yes".  I encourage any family considering adoption, especially bringing an older child home, to carefully count the cost ahead of time.

There are many reasons that a family may choose to grow their family differently than through the typical way of birth. Jim and I are unashamedly followers of Jesus, we have trusted Him with our life. His love for us, and His gospel, impacts every area of our life - including this one of family planning. The Gospel reveals to us how broken, abandoned and orphaned we were prior to God adopting us as His children. This beautiful picture of redemption has penetrated our hearts in such a way that we desire to bring that picture tangibly right into our living room, our heart, home, and family. We don't adopt or bring children into our family from hard places because we are super spiritual, or because we are looking for a pat on the back, or because we are expecting anything in return from these children.

We have adopted because we were adopted, and we want to imitate, in a minuscule way, what God did for us when He adopted us into His family. We believe that in adopting children, it is not our family who is glorified, but rather through our weaknesses and struggles, in bringing children from hard places right into the heart of our family, God is lifted up and His glory is manifested in a very unique and powerful way through us. While we believe that God works in the heart and the life of the lonely when He sets them into a family (Ps. 68:6), we truly believe that He also works in the heart and life of the entire family in order that He might break us, change us and give us glimpses into the depths of the heart of our Daddy in heaven and the redemptive work His Son did for us on the cross.

Bringing children from hard places into our family is beautiful and worth it, but it is not romantic, it is not a fairy-tale, it is not promised to go smoothly, or even to work out perfectly in the end. When we are a follower of Jesus, and our hearts and motives are in-line with His, it is kingdom work. And kingdom work is always, always hard. We are promised hard (John 16:33). This kingdom work of living out the Gospel tangibly, of making redemption visible in one's home, of raising children - especially those precious ones who come to us with deep trauma and wounds, is hard stuff. It is something that needs to be understood and considered before ever saying "yes" to that child. Here are some things one may consider before saying "yes" to an older child:

• Disrupting Birth Order: Will bringing home this child disrupt the established birth order in your home? Adopting out of birth order is a hot topic, and it is an area that many social workers disagree upon. While we did not end up adopting Habi internationally, but rather brought him home on a student visa, we prepared exactly as we would have for an adoption. This meant talking things over with our social worker, whom we trust and respect very much. She knew our family well, because of our previous adoption, and she felt comfortable in our bringing Habi into our family unit. The majority of thought and prayer needs to be placed upon the child who will be getting disrupted. In our family that was our six year old daughter. As parents, you know your child best, but it is wise to research other families who have successfully broken birth order and gather wisdom from their experience. Not every child will be able to handle being displaced in the family. Perhaps the child will never be able to deal with it, or perhaps the timing may have to wait a few years and be revisited again. Jim and I sat down with our oldest daughter several times in this process, and we talked through what our family might look like when she was no longer the oldest child. We acknowledged her fears, and we prayed over and targeted potential pitfalls. We are being purposeful in looking at each of our children as individuals and making them each feel special and unique, no matter where they land in our family. Because it matters to Cadi, we now have the oldest boy and the oldest girl in our family, and although we have worked through a few bumps in the past three months, Cadi is sliding into her new spot in the family so graciously. We will continue to keep communication open with her and encourage her in her role as both the big and little sister now.
• Think Through Serious Situations: Many times, especially true with international adoption, there is very little information given about a child's background. Because of this many unexpected and serious situations can arise when an older child is brought home that can put that child and other members of your family in danger. This is nothing to fear, but it is something to very seriously and prayerfully think over and prepare for. Many children from hard places have sadly experienced sexual abuse, sexual promiscuity, and horrific physical abuse and violence. These precious children may come with very deep, emotional wounds. This absolutely cannot be ignored, and safeguards must be put into place to protect that older child and any other children that may already be in the home. Parents need to honestly discuss this possibility with each other and with wise authorities - whether it be social workers, counselors, pastors, etc. I do not believe a family can be over-prepared in this area. If you are looking for specific ways in which we safe-guarded our home and in the established plan we set in place, I will be happy to go into more detail privately in an email.
• Expect Nothing in Return: Jim and I believe this should be true in every adoption - not just older child adoption. We did not adopt (or birth for that matter) children because of what they could give us or for them to fulfill a need that we have. Only Jesus can fulfill us, and it is not fair to put that kind of expectation on any human - especially a child. We brought Jamesy and Habi home with as little to no expectations as we humanly could. Our children owe us nothing - our children through adoption nor our home -grown children either. We did not adopt them to receive their thankfulness or gratefulness in return for adopting them. Even if Jamesy and Habi never learned to trust us, never returned our love, never attached or bonded with us, and lived ungratefully within our family, it is still what God asked of us. It is still right and His plan. Of course we desire for our children to be respectful, loving, and kind, and yes, even appreciative of the grace God has given all of us, but we will love our children no matter what. This is not about us or what we can gain from these children. In parenting, especially children that come from trauma, our feelings have to be tucked away sometimes, because it is not about how we feel. We will never force gratitude upon our children. We will model it, but honestly it is Jesus Who deserves all of the gratitude anyway.
• Prepare Ahead of Time: Older children who have been without a family for many years may not know how to live inside of a family. Even if the child is a teenager, he or she, may have no idea what a family functions like. He or she may have no real understanding of what role a Dad and Mom plays. Some children may have difficulty jumping right into a family and parental authority. Plan for this, prepare for this, and establish an idea for how you will work through this in your family before the child comes home. It is vital to carefully think through how your family can be intentional about modeling family. There will be a lot of teaching about what is expected in a family that needs to occur. Along with that are cultural issues to consider and educate oneself about - even ones as simple as teaching the child to ride in a vehicle with a seat belt on, there are also potential language barriers to work through. It can be helpful to purchase a small dictionary in your child's birth language or find a mentor to help with communication, especially in the first few months at home.
• Commit to the Marathon: Parenting is never a 50 yard dash, but one should especially look at it as a long-term marathon when parenting an older child, that has been added into your family. It will take patience, stamina, and more grace than you can even imagine ahead of time (but that will  be offered to you when you most need it). Consider all of the time and energy that will need to go into bringing a child home - especially if you have only parented younger children up to this point. Older children come with more intense schedules and in general busier lives. Is this something that your family is ready for? Talk to people who know your family well, encourage them to pray with you and ask them to honestly evaluate how ready your family is to undertake an older child. Remember that it may take years for a family unity to develop - years of blood, sweat, and tears. It may happen quickly, as each child and family is unique, but it is best to prepare for the long road. Support in this marathon is absolutely vital. Find some friends who are in the same journey and pray for each other as you encourage one another to persevere in the day-to-day. Be open with your family and friends who are not on the inside of the same marathon, let them be part of it, invite a village to surround you, and if possible do that before your child comes home.

Don't be fearful of the older children. If you are being called to adoption, I invite you to prayerfully consider the older children. It is not right for everyone, just like adoption in general is not right for everyone. It is not something to be walked into lightly, as it changes everything. Each family has been uniquely gifted to work in God's kingdom. I simply invite you to explore whether or not your family has been equipped for an older child, and then I advise you to count the cost ahead of time, prepare, educate, and consider what it means for your family if you do say "yes". In everything we need to keep our perspective vertical and always go to our Source. God is the author of families. Let Him alone author yours. He will never lead you wrong.

When you say "yes" to an older child, you invite intensity into your home. There is no way around that. You invite the need for Jesus like you have never needed Him before. Jesus is the only Healer of hearts, and He must be present in our homes. Though His healing may take time, and though the process may be painful and hard, we do not believe that the struggle is the finish line. We believe that God promises the victory, but we believe that He uses the struggle along the way and that healing does indeed come in the morning. Praying to this end in our family and in yours. Because His grace really is enough, and He is good.

.The Truth Is.

It plagues me.

I've never talked about this here - or anywhere, and I never have allowed myself to realize how much this haunts me - until today. I'm going there, but I am not yet sure if I can make myself publish this.

I dream about it, waking up in a cold sweat, heart pounding, and my stomach queasy. Fear hangs over me, and I hate it. It dampens the joy a bit, and it hovers mockingly. I know the fear is not from God. I wish that  fear would just leave my life forever. Its grip is cruel and ridiculous. I am frustrated that I am still dealing with this old, horrible issue. The same issue I have battled my entire life.

I fear this will all end, and he will be sent back. To type that just adds to the fear, to admit "out loud" the possibility that this really could come to an abrupt and ugly halt. And although sometimes my fears are irrational, this one is wrapped up in reality. I know that my God is bigger, and I know and marvel over all that God did to join our family together. But the fear snakes around my heart and hisses the fact that his visa expires this July, and that really, we have no ties to him. That's only a little over three months away. I know the truth that he can stay on an expired visa, but just the thought of an expired visa makes my heart race a little faster.

The truth is, he's not mine.

As much as I feel like he is, as much as I know in my heart that he is my son, and that there is no difference with the way I love him, then if I had carried him nine months and birthed him; I also realize that beyond that, I have no real, legal rights to him as my son. And just being completely transparent, it is a scary place to be. I have lost my heart completely to this child. I am trying to savor every single moment, with the knowing that it could be taken away. It makes me physically sick to understand what that means - for him - for us.

My camera documents everything, my eyes and heart have been opened to anything that we can celebrate and cherish and applaud. I have written down memories upon memories, and I have tucked so many of our conversations into my heart. These past, almost eight months, I have poured my life out into all four of my children, but especially into him, because if something happens, if this all comes to a crashing, horrific ending, I don't ever, ever want him to question whether he was loved, wanted, and cherished.

The truth is, none of these children are mine, and for a person with chronic control issues, that's a tough pill to swallow. I know that any of the four could succumb to an illness or a horrible accident at any time. I know the truth that they are all God's, and that He is just letting me steward the responsibility of raising them in the here and now. Tomorrow is not promised. But I don't sit in fear over the other three. It's just the one.

I am not just sitting here wallowing in fear, though; we are fighting to make this permanent. Most days that knowledge let's me push back the fear. But today it's choking me. I just want to cocoon my family away from the world, away from the questions as to why we chose this, and the accusations about why we post on facebook so much about Habi, and why we make such a big deal about Habi, well, I guess this is an authentic, painful peak into the why. I guess this is one of the reasons why we are told not to judge people, because so many times we do not have all of the facts. Perhaps if you were in my shoes, with the reality that you could lose your child, you would do something differently. I hope that I would accept that.

There is nothing beautiful or glamorous about this post. It's not very thought-out or well-written, and I cannot wrap it up into a sweet, little spiritual conclusion that ends in a but it's all going to be alright. We have no guarantee that this will end the way we are fighting for it to end. What I can do, is hug that big boy extra tightly when he comes home tonight, and memorize the way he smells, and the sound of his laugh, the way his hair curls against his ears, and how his eyes light up when Jamesy says a word, and the kindness that radiates from him when he is helping Scotty, and the spunky way that he picks on Cadi, and then moments later wraps her in his arms and tells her what a good sister she is. I can celebrate his 100% on his vocabulary tests which he worked so hard on studying for, and I can notice the way he watches his dad, then emulates him, and beams when his dad calls the man out in him. For today that is what I can do. I cannot do anything to be certain that this will last, or that he is here to stay, but I can be present in the here and now. I can and I will do that.

And for today, that will have to be enough.

.I Don't Want to Forget.

We had been home probably just around 24 hours. It came after his first night in his very own bed, with his own blankets and clean sheets, inside his own bedroom. His first 24 hours inside a home with his family. How his mind must have been swimming. I had been watching as his tired eyes drank everything in, and I could almost see the way he was trying to put it all together in his head and his heart. I wanted to ask questions, but he wasn't ready, so I stayed quiet and watched. I watched as he interacted with his little sister and little brothers. He was tender and loving, and they were all so smitten with each other right away - especially Scotty. It had always been Scotty. From the first family photo that Habi saw of us, he was mesmerized with Scotty. And Scotty was Habi's most fervent prayer warrior for the year and a half that we prayed Habi home. Scotty believed God would do this, and he never forgot Habi in his prayers. The moment Scotty would hear our Skype ring in the middle of the day, knowing his brother in Ethiopia would be on the other end, he would come running, "Hoptonnu" he would screech in his sweet little voice or "Havvvvviii". Their bond was and is precious - nothing short of God-weaved.

I watched him at the table, surrounded on all sides by family. He was fearful of the American food, but he tried it timidly. Mostly, though, he watched us. And I watched him watch us. He marveled at the way we joined hands, and I could tell he was really listening as Jim prayed thanksgiving over our meals and our family. He watched as Jim leaned over and cut up Jamesy's food, and as I reminded Cadi to use a napkin, or Scotty to sit on his bottom. He was trying to learn this - to learn what it meant to live like a family. My heart soared as he watched, and Jim and I would glance at each other in disbelief that this child, who we met on the street, was now sitting on our dining room chair and part of our family. (Honestly, our gaze still finds each other as we marvel over God's goodness. I hope it never gets old - the way God brought each of our children into our family.)

After we put three littles to bed that night, we sat on our couch with him. Jim and I awkwardly in this new role of parenting a teenager (or almost teenager, his age is a big question mark), decided that it would be a good time to share our house rules and consequences with him. In Ethiopia we had also had a talk, but that one was more about making sure he understood what living inside our family meant. We tried to help him to understand that he would be transferring submission to our authority, after so many years of being in charge of himself, etc. That in itself is a big decision for a kid, and honestly, he has done it with so much grace -grace beyond his years- he is doing so well in transitioning into our family.

Jim went over our few family rules and consequences (explaining what consequences even were), and he tied it into the gospel. It was one of our first moments really parenting Habi. My heart expanded as I watched Jim gently father this child. And while the moment was sweet, and it was encouraging to see the responsiveness that Habi had to our rules and our expectation for family living, that is not what stands out to me the most. It wasn't even the smile that lit clear to his eyes, as it was evident that this is what he desired - to be parented by a mommy and daddy who love him and cherish him and see the amazing gift he is. Instead it was what he said after our conversation was over, and we were snuggled in on the couch. We were all growing sleepy from jat-lag and emotional exhaustion at all that had transpired, and through the exhaustion his soft lilting voice broke the silence.

I don't want to forget. Please, help me not to forget.

Jim and I looked at each other as the words tumbled out of our sweet boy's lips. He went on to say that he did not want to forget where he came from and what God had done for him in bringing him out of street life after so many years and into a family. He did not want to grow up to be a rich American man and forget all that he had left behind in Addis. He did not want to grow so comfortable and used to American life that the life he left behind no longer mattered to him. He wanted to remember where he came from.

I remember my heart beating faster and faster as I listened to the words just tumble from his heart. Here sat this little boy, in a strange country, with virtual strangers, and out of his heart came wisdom of a man. I would soon learn that this was not the last time that we would be blessed and challenged with his wisdom.

Habi went on to tell a story of a man from Ethiopia whom he deeply respected. This man was from the Korah dump. He had lived there for years, and then God brought him out of the dump and to America. I cannot remember if it was for an education, but I am guessing it was. The man was in America for several years, but then went back to Ethiopia. Habi said that instead of the man going back in all of his fine, American clothing and renting a nice place to live, he came home - to Korah. He stepped back into his literal rags and his life living in the dump of Korah, because he had not forgotten where he came from, and he remembered who he left behind, and he wanted to impact the people he loved.

I listened to this and tears cascaded over my cheeks and my Mommy heart broke in two. I could not even envision Habi staying here for years and then stepping back into his street life, but I am not the author of his life story. I am simply a small character in it, perhaps just a stepping stone, and as fiercely as I love this boy as my son, just like with all of my children, I have to hold him loosely, remembering he is first and best God's - not mine.

There are a lot of parallels I could draw from this moment we had with Habi, about remembering spiritually what God brought us from, about not forgetting the ones left behind - the people who still need to hear and receive the love of Jesus. However, I am just going to leave this alone and share this much. I'm still drawing my own parallels and conclusions. I am still learning and growing from this moment as it dances in my head and my heart. Daily my children are teaching me and pushing me to the feet of Jesus.

This was simply a moment that needed to be captured and scratched down, because I don't want to forget.

.In the Pursuit.

In the middle of these vivid, beautiful autumn days, it is hard to write. Not because there is nothing to write, or because time is stretched paper thin; for both of those are true. It's just raw here. I wrestle with the words that should go down on the screen and the ones that should stay tightly locked inside my Mommy's heart. Some of this seems so sacred, too sacred to expose.

I have known twice now what it is to fight for a child. I have known the pain and fear that can consume nights as my mind would wonder over the safety of children - children that my heart birthed the moment my eyes met theirs. My fingers have signed hundreds of papers and filled out checks that totalled more than my husband makes in an entire year. I have conquered fears and stepped on an airplane to fly over the ocean {shiver} not once, but six times for these children. I have this passion that burns and smolders inside of me because of this fight. A passion that at times causes more trouble, in my human mind, than it is worth; for the first time in my life I am trying to learn when to hold my tongue and when to speak. Because I feel like for the first time in my life, I actually have something to say. I have battled red tape and cried rivers of wet, searing tears through road blocks, begging God to break down the chains that kept my children from a family. I have watched God peel layers off of my heart, my eyes, and my life. I have painfully endured broken friendships because of choices God led us to make for these children. At the same time I have been blessed with new friendships that could have only grown out of this fight for my children. I have prayed in a way that I have never prayed before, and I have stood in the middle of a move of God. I do not recognize the girl in the mirror anymore, because after three years of battling for the lives of these children, I look less like a girl and more like the battle-worn woman that I now am. And while it is worth it - a million times over worth it, I am still learning how to fit inside this new skin.

And the battle is not over.

After all of the battling to get these boys into our home, I am now fighting for their hearts. In the middle of this vivid, beautiful autumn, I am specifically fighting for the heart of my big boy. Perhaps I was naive, and didn't realize that the real battle was not in getting my boy here, but it was actually in battling for him to know down deep in those broken, hurt pieces of his heart that he is ours. Forever. There is nothing easy about loving a child who has known no love. There is nothing easy about sharing the value and worth that Jesus places on all of us with a child who has been told he was worthless his entire life. There is nothing easy in dieing to my  feelings everyday in order to teach a child how to accept being loved and cherished inside of a family. It is scary and messy and the outcome is unknown.

It is humbling and knocks my pride flat on its face, because by all human standards, I am under-equipped to love him in this way that his heart so desperately needs. There can be no off days here - there is never time to hit the snooze button in this battle - it is a relentless, desperate, all-in, vicious pursuit of his heart. A pursuit that I am just too weak for. I am powerless. Except I am not because of the cross and Jesus. God uses the weak, the powerless, the imperfect, the fearful, the worthless and inadequate - He uses me - and as He indwells me His love through me becomes perfectly equipped to be the exact love that my big boy needs.

Every morning as I drag my exhausted body out of bed, long before the sun ever lights the sky, and tie on my proverbial running shoes, I begin another day of chasing - chasing this boy and his heart. It's uphill and hard, and I am sweaty and tired. It's consuming and messy. The chase is anything but choreographed and rhythmic. It is a limb-flailing, red-faced, panting, spitting, all-out energy zapping, sweat soaking kind of chasing. But something strange is happening in this chasing, I am getting a tiny window view of the chase that is happening for my own heart. I see the relentless pursuit of Jesus to win my heart - my whole heart - even those ugly, broken parts.

As I chase and flail after this boy born of my heart, and as my hot breath reaches his neck and my arms squeeze around his pounding, fearful chest, I, too, feel the hot breath of my Savior on my neck, I feel His arms wrap around all of my fears.

 I feel His pursuit every time I pursue.

My big boy and I  - we are both being pursued. And the pursuit is hot, hard, and beautiful. In this pursuit I am learning to love and to be loved. There is something beautiful in this chase - in being pursued and in pursuing. It's not a beauty that is neat and tidy and easy and comfortable. It is a beauty that is being unwrapped little by little, a beauty that is painfully awakened in the faithful, excruciating pursuit. A pursuit that may take years - a marathon of tearing down those lies, the hurt, the abandonment, the ugly deceit and bitterness that is walled around his heart, and the chase is made possible only from His perfect love inside of me as He chases me down.

The best Love in the world was given through the shedding of blood. The best Love took a toll on the body. The best Love gave up its life.

The best Love pursues and pursues, and pursues, and because Someone is chasing me every moment of everyday in order to win the battle over my heart, I, too, battle on and chase the heart of my big boy. Someday I believe his heart will succumb to the pursuit, and so will mine.

*Photo courtesy of Red Ballooon Photography.

.What to Consider Before Saying "Yes" to Bringing an Older Child Home.

There was so much behind the scenes that went on in the year and a half before we brought our Habi home. To some looking in from the outside, it may have seemed like we made a rash decision, but I can assure you that we seriously counted the cost before saying "yes".  I encourage any family considering adoption, especially bringing an older child home, to carefully count the cost ahead of time.

There are many reasons that a family may choose to grow their family differently than through the typical way of birth. Jim and I are unashamedly followers of Jesus, we have trusted Him with our life. His love for us, and His gospel, impacts every area of our life - including this one of family planning. The Gospel reveals to us how broken, abandoned and orphaned we were prior to God adopting us as His children. This beautiful picture of redemption has penetrated our hearts in such a way that we desire to bring that picture tangibly right into our living room, our heart, home, and family. We don't adopt or bring children into our family from hard places because we are super spiritual, or because we are looking for a pat on the back, or because we are expecting anything in return from these children.

We have adopted because we were adopted, and we want to imitate, in a minuscule way, what God did for us when He adopted us into His family. We believe that in adopting children, it is not our family who is glorified, but rather through our weaknesses and struggles, in bringing children from hard places right into the heart of our family, God is lifted up and His glory is manifested in a very unique and powerful way through us. While we believe that God works in the heart and the life of the lonely when He sets them into a family (Ps. 68:6), we truly believe that He also works in the heart and life of the entire family in order that He might break us, change us and give us glimpses into the depths of the heart of our Daddy in heaven and the redemptive work His Son did for us on the cross.

Bringing children from hard places into our family is beautiful and worth it, but it is not romantic, it is not a fairy-tale, it is not promised to go smoothly, or even to work out perfectly in the end. When we are a follower of Jesus, and our hearts and motives are in-line with His, it is kingdom work. And kingdom work is always, always hard. We are promised hard (John 16:33). This kingdom work of living out the Gospel tangibly, of making redemption visible in one's home, of raising children - especially those precious ones who come to us with deep trauma and wounds, is hard stuff. It is something that needs to be understood and considered before ever saying "yes" to that child. Here are some things one may consider before saying "yes" to an older child:

• Disrupting Birth Order: Will bringing home this child disrupt the established birth order in your home? Adopting out of birth order is a hot topic, and it is an area that many social workers disagree upon. While we did not end up adopting Habi internationally, but rather brought him home on a student visa, we prepared exactly as we would have for an adoption. This meant talking things over with our social worker, whom we trust and respect very much. She knew our family well, because of our previous adoption, and she felt comfortable in our bringing Habi into our family unit. The majority of thought and prayer needs to be placed upon the child who will be getting disrupted. In our family that was our six year old daughter. As parents, you know your child best, but it is wise to research other families who have successfully broken birth order and gather wisdom from their experience. Not every child will be able to handle being displaced in the family. Perhaps the child will never be able to deal with it, or perhaps the timing may have to wait a few years and be revisited again. Jim and I sat down with our oldest daughter several times in this process, and we talked through what our family might look like when she was no longer the oldest child. We acknowledged her fears, and we prayed over and targeted potential pitfalls. We are being purposeful in looking at each of our children as individuals and making them each feel special and unique, no matter where they land in our family. Because it matters to Cadi, we now have the oldest boy and the oldest girl in our family, and although we have worked through a few bumps in the past three months, Cadi is sliding into her new spot in the family so graciously. We will continue to keep communication open with her and encourage her in her role as both the big and little sister now.
• Think Through Serious Situations: Many times, especially true with international adoption, there is very little information given about a child's background. Because of this many unexpected and serious situations can arise when an older child is brought home that can put that child and other members of your family in danger. This is nothing to fear, but it is something to very seriously and prayerfully think over and prepare for. Many children from hard places have sadly experienced sexual abuse, sexual promiscuity, and horrific physical abuse and violence. These precious children may come with very deep, emotional wounds. This absolutely cannot be ignored, and safeguards must be put into place to protect that older child and any other children that may already be in the home. Parents need to honestly discuss this possibility with each other and with wise authorities - whether it be social workers, counselors, pastors, etc. I do not believe a family can be over-prepared in this area. If you are looking for specific ways in which we safe-guarded our home and in the established plan we set in place, I will be happy to go into more detail privately in an email.
• Expect Nothing in Return: Jim and I believe this should be true in every adoption - not just older child adoption. We did not adopt (or birth for that matter) children because of what they could give us or for them to fulfill a need that we have. Only Jesus can fulfill us, and it is not fair to put that kind of expectation on any human - especially a child. We brought Jamesy and Habi home with as little to no expectations as we humanly could. Our children owe us nothing - our children through adoption nor our home -grown children either. We did not adopt them to receive their thankfulness or gratefulness in return for adopting them. Even if Jamesy and Habi never learned to trust us, never returned our love, never attached or bonded with us, and lived ungratefully within our family, it is still what God asked of us. It is still right and His plan. Of course we desire for our children to be respectful, loving, and kind, and yes, even appreciative of the grace God has given all of us, but we will love our children no matter what. This is not about us or what we can gain from these children. In parenting, especially children that come from trauma, our feelings have to be tucked away sometimes, because it is not about how we feel. We will never force gratitude upon our children. We will model it, but honestly it is Jesus Who deserves all of the gratitude anyway.
• Prepare Ahead of Time: Older children who have been without a family for many years may not know how to live inside of a family. Even if the child is a teenager, he or she, may have no idea what a family functions like. He or she may have no real understanding of what role a Dad and Mom plays. Some children may have difficulty jumping right into a family and parental authority. Plan for this, prepare for this, and establish an idea for how you will work through this in your family before the child comes home. It is vital to carefully think through how your family can be intentional about modeling family. There will be a lot of teaching about what is expected in a family that needs to occur. Along with that are cultural issues to consider and educate oneself about - even ones as simple as teaching the child to ride in a vehicle with a seat belt on, there are also potential language barriers to work through. It can be helpful to purchase a small dictionary in your child's birth language or find a mentor to help with communication, especially in the first few months at home.
• Commit to the Marathon: Parenting is never a 50 yard dash, but one should especially look at it as a long-term marathon when parenting an older child, that has been added into your family. It will take patience, stamina, and more grace than you can even imagine ahead of time (but that will  be offered to you when you most need it). Consider all of the time and energy that will need to go into bringing a child home - especially if you have only parented younger children up to this point. Older children come with more intense schedules and in general busier lives. Is this something that your family is ready for? Talk to people who know your family well, encourage them to pray with you and ask them to honestly evaluate how ready your family is to undertake an older child. Remember that it may take years for a family unity to develop - years of blood, sweat, and tears. It may happen quickly, as each child and family is unique, but it is best to prepare for the long road. Support in this marathon is absolutely vital. Find some friends who are in the same journey and pray for each other as you encourage one another to persevere in the day-to-day. Be open with your family and friends who are not on the inside of the same marathon, let them be part of it, invite a village to surround you, and if possible do that before your child comes home.

Don't be fearful of the older children. If you are being called to adoption, I invite you to prayerfully consider the older children. It is not right for everyone, just like adoption in general is not right for everyone. It is not something to be walked into lightly, as it changes everything. Each family has been uniquely gifted to work in God's kingdom. I simply invite you to explore whether or not your family has been equipped for an older child, and then I advise you to count the cost ahead of time, prepare, educate, and consider what it means for your family if you do say "yes". In everything we need to keep our perspective vertical and always go to our Source. God is the author of families. Let Him alone author yours. He will never lead you wrong.

When you say "yes" to an older child, you invite intensity into your home. There is no way around that. You invite the need for Jesus like you have never needed Him before. Jesus is the only Healer of hearts, and He must be present in our homes. Though His healing may take time, and though the process may be painful and hard, we do not believe that the struggle is the finish line. We believe that God promises the victory, but we believe that He uses the struggle along the way and that healing does indeed come in the morning. Praying to this end in our family and in yours. Because His grace really is enough, and He is good.