.Planning for Attachment, Bonding, & Cocooning Part 3.

The end of our adoption journey is in sight! We could (not likely) be leaving as early as next weekend to go back to Ethiopia and Jamesy. It's really happening. We have been preparing for this for the past ten months. I like to prepare and plan and make lists and research and review what I have learned, and that is exactly what I have done. However, I understand that there is not a magic formula that will ensure that after all of this preparation and planning that Jamesy will attach to us. I know this, and I am okay with this. Jamesy owes us nothing, and we are trying to walk into this with no expectations. This is what God has called our family to, and He will equip us for whatever lies ahead. I am just excited and anxious to get started, to get Jamesy home, and to start living life with all three children!

We know that to our church family, family, and friends some of what we are going to implement will be hard to understand, because you have prayed, encouraged, supported (with prayers and finances) our family all of the way to this point. Many feel connected to Jamesy already and are longing to see the brown-eyed boy who has drawn people a world away to the throne together. And we want that for you. But first we want to allow his broken, hurt heart to begin to heal inside of the safe cocoon of his family. If our family is able to bond with Jamesy during this time and begin attachment with him, then he will be much more successful in bonding with all of our family and friends in the future. It is absolutely critical that we allow him to gain an understanding of our family first - Dad, Mom, sister and brother. This is a very foreign concept for him.

What we plan to do is not reasonable for every adopting family. Again, please understand that this is our plan. It is not necessarily the best plan, but we do feel it is the best plan for our family. We are dedicated to taking extreme measures during the first critical weeks of introducing Jamesy into our family. The first six weeks at home will be spent in a cocoon. Our plan is subject to change as we get to know Jamesy on a deeper level and as we feel out how our family is melding together. But we have a starting point, a plan to start with, as we come home exhausted with a brand new son.

Our Attachment Plan (Much of this has been borrowed and tweaked from others):

• For the first six weeks that we are home with Jamesy, our home will be our cocoon. We will not be welcoming any visitors into our home at this time - family or otherwise - and we will not be going out. An exception will be made for doctor appointments as these are very important for Jamesy to attend. Our cocoon has the potential to extend to eight weeks if need be.
• Jim will resume going to work as soon as he needs to, but will try to stay home at least the first few days. After Jim has gone back to work and I am home with the children, I will be very conscientious to not take phone calls during the day. We will do everything we can to make our home quiet and calm and structured with little stimulation - such as TV, loud noises, excessive toys, etc. We have learned that structure and routine bring comfort to children from hard places (Actually I really believe all children benefit from this!). All of my attention will be devoted to the children during the day. We will resume schooling with Cadi as soon as possible, understanding it may look and be different during this time.
• Jamesy will be worn in a front pack or a sling for the first three months that he is home, as much as possible. Physical contact is one of the best ways to bond, and it will help Jamesy begin to develop trust in us. Wearing Jamesy will help him to know our smell, our heartbeat, our language, and familiarize him with his two primary care givers - Mom and Dad.
• Jamesy will nap in a carrier or in our arms for at least the first six weeks. We will slowly start introducing independence at nap time after the initial six weeks, but we will come very quickly when he cries. He will never be left to cry it out. We want him to understand that he has a voice that is now being heard, and that he can trust us to meet his needs.
• Jim and I will be the only people to hold Jamesy during the initial 6-8 weeks. We want him to understand our role in his life and how it is different than anybody else that he encounters.
• We will initiate bonding activities daily such as massaging him with lotion and playing bonding type games.
• After the initial 6 weeks (or 8 depending on how he is doing) we will slowly start to shed our cocoon. We will go out of the house to places with little stimuli at first and gradually introduce him to more and more of our world and the people who love him.
• For the first 6 months Jim and I will be the only people to give Jamesy a bottle (keeping him on our lap and focusing on eye contact and physical touch), spoon feed him, and change his diaper. I learned that infants typically get about 4 hours a day of eye contact over the course of 12 feedings (From Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child). Jamesy has missed a lot of this in having his bottle propped for many, many of his feedings. This is a gift that we can give to him.
• Jamesy will be given a bottle and be bottle fed on our laps until he is two years old.
• For the first 6-8 weeks we will not use the word no or limit set with him. After that we will gradually introduce no and healthy boundaries. We do not know what discipline will look like for him in his toddler years, as we do not yet know what his needs will be. But we are willing to do whatever it takes to discipline him in the best way that fits him. We are not looking for cookie cutter discipline here.
• For the first 3 months Jamesy will only be separated from Tiffany for 30 minute intervals as needed.
• Jamesy will not spend the night away from Tiffany for the first year that he is home.
• Jamesy will never be left in our church nursery. This is simply because of the similarities it has to an institution and his inability to differentiate between the two at his age. He will sit in the service with us until he is two years old and we can evaluate his needs from there.

That is our attachment plan. I am sure it seems overwhelming and excessive to some. For sure this will be exhausting and taxing. We cannot do it without the grace of God. We have never heard of a family that has cocooned and followed an attachment plan and regretted doing it, but we have heard of several who have regretted not doing it.

These first critical weeks are a gift, and they cannot be relived. This is how we are choosing to open our gift.

.Planning for Attachment, Bonding, & Cocooning Part 2.

Attachment and bonding are often used interchangeably; however, they are two very different processes. Bonding is that phase of falling in love with your child and your child with you. Jim and I were very blessed to feel this instantaneous love for Jamesy upon meeting him. (It is natural and normal for other adopting families to not feel this immediate love, and it in no way indicates that there are problems ahead. Sometimes love has to grow. Adoption, while beautiful, is unnatural, and by that I simply mean that adoption is not how God originally intended for families to grow. Adoption did not exist until after sin entered the world.) While we feel love for Jamesy, he does not feel that same love toward us so we have yet to bond. The bonding process is typically relatively short with a younger child. It usually begins to occur within a few weeks. Bonding is about sharing love, relationship, and commitment. We have done very little so far (in the grand scheme of his life) to foster bonding with him. Even after our days with Jamesy in Ethiopia, we are still essentially strangers to him. Much of bonding involves physical touch. This is why it sometimes (not all of the time - not every case) appears easier and faster for adopting families to bond with infants rather than older children. Infants require a lot of physical touch, and it is instinctual and natural for most parents to touch and nurture an infant - even for those adults who are not inclined to a lot of physical touching in how they parent. I believe that bonding, especially after a child is adopted, must be initiated by the parents. A child that comes from a hard place will not usually, naturally interact with his or her new family through physical touch. It is a process that must be taught and prayerfully will eventually be mirrored and reciprocated in our son.

Attachment is bigger and more complicated and usually takes much longer than bonding (think months not weeks and sometimes even years). Simply stated attachment is a process of trust. I believe that the research for attachment is extensive, on-going and changing, and because every child is so different it is very important to continually and constantly be researching, learning, and growing as parents while giving our children over to God. Some research indicates that the attachment process begins in the womb as the baby receives nourishment from the mother. I am not educated enough to say whether or not this is factual. However, I have heard some very convincing theories that babies in utero who experience trauma or stress will have a brain that develops differently from a baby who did not experience such things. From these studies it truly does seem to indicate that the attachment process is not only very real, but happens very early in a child's life. Regardless of that, I do believe that enough data has been collected to prove that during a child's first 18 months of life, he or she has learned whether or not their caregivers can be trusted to meet their needs. When a child's needs are met continually in the first 18 months of life, the attachment process begins in a healthy normal manner. However, when needs are repeatedly unmet- for example a baby cries out for food and no food is given, the attachment process is disrupted. Although, it is unlikely that a child would remember this occurrence, the affects of this could have lifelong implications if tools to heal this wounded child's heart are not implemented. Children who are in orphanages may discover that sometimes their needs are met and sometimes they are not, so they learn to trust no one. Sadly many of these children have had to find ways to gratify and sooth themselves - even at very young ages.

As Jamesy's parents we feel that it is absolutely vital to commit to fostering both bonding and attachment between ourselves and Jamesy and among our family as a whole. We understand through various research that the first few weeks and months that Jamesy is home with us are absolutely critical to the future healing that we desire to take place in his heart. Jim and I are ready to invest our time and our energy into doing everything we can to transition Jamesy into our home - into our family. Now that I have set the groundwork for why we feel this is so necessary I will share in my next post how we plan to do it and exactly what our attachment plan looks like. Hopefully in sharing all of this, it will make our plan a little more understandable and less crazy sounding! I am leaving comments open for the time being. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask, and I will respond in the comment section in order to continue the dialogue.

Thanks for your grace. Thanks for your love. Our brown-eyed boy is coming home to so much of both, and we are so, so grateful.

.Planning for Attachment, Bonding, & Cocooning Part 1.

I have been kind of dreading these posts. The issues surrounding attachment, bonding, and cocooning can be sensitive and controversial. I expected them to be controversial in the non-adoption world, but am finding them to be this way even in the adoption world. So in writing these next few posts, I want to be very clear that this is how our family is doing things, and that we have landed here after many hours of research, training, prayer and searching the Scriptures. Our views could change. These standards that we are planning to follow are not our Bible. However, at the moment, this is where we land, and we feel confident, at this time, in the conclusions we have come to. In saying all that, please understand that if you are an adopting family that has done things differently in the past or plan to do things differently in the future, this post is not condemning your family. If you are a family that is not involved in adoption, please understand the carefulness that went into all of this and know that yes it will most likely look very, very differently from how you do things with your birth children. I also want to clearly state that because we are doing things special with Jamesy does not make him more special than Cadi or Scotty. We seek to meet our children at the place that they individually are, wholistically and uniquely at times, even from their siblings. And is that not how God deals with His children? Please read this with grace, and I will do my best to write it with the same.

Knowing that this could stir up debate why am I writing this? I am writing this because I have been asked to, and I am writing this as a reference and resource for other adopting families looking for guidance in this area. Adopting Mommy bloggers were one of the first people I turned to for help in this process, and I was surprised to find relatively little written about preparation for attachment, bonding, and cocooning. A lot of what I found was the hard truth of problems that can (does not always) happen when a child is adopted into a family who did not establish an attachment plan. Much of the information and our plan that I will share is not original to us. I am not an expert. I have never lived through this with an adopted child. So, I will not pretend to know it all about any of this. We gathered information from a few blogs, books, seminars, our social worker, adopting friends, etc. I had bookmarked all of the blog posts that I had gotten ideas from to give them credit in this post (this post has been a loooong time in the making!). However, our computer crashed this winter, and I lost all of my bookmarks. So, please know that some of our plan came from others.

Jamesy comes from a hard place. He has had a very difficult first 14 months of life - no matter how you look at it. According to Dr. Karyn Purvis any child that is eligible for adoption or foster care comes from a hard place. Yes, even that newborn infant adopted the day of his or her birth, comes from a hard place. A child coming from a hard place may have experienced some or many of the following (our Jamesy experienced many):

In-utero stress (drug or alcohol related, a stressful environment, a traumatic experience that the birth mother went through - even stress while deciding whether or not she should place her child for adoption, etc.) Traumatic Birth
Separation from birth mother
Foster Care
Orphanage Care
Separation from primary caregiver
Shifting between foster family and birth family
Move to a new country
Move to a new institution
Hospitalization
Unresolved medical issues
Neglect
Abuse
Adoption

Parenting a child who has been adopted is not the same as parenting a birth child. Adoption is a means to bring a child into a home and make him or her a son or a daughter and become a source of healing for that child. Every foster and adopted child needs to to be given the tools to heal. Obviously every child is different, and depending on the child and the family, this can be a very difficult process. However, it is not an impossible process or a process without hope. We feel that it is a process that we must prepare and plan for, so that we are equipped to pass on the tools that Jamesy will need to heal from his traumatic experiences. I also strongly believe, that when families are adequately trained and are equipped with the knowledge and tools they need to help their new children heal, that people will start noticing this and stop feeling so fearful about foster care and adoption. Then maybe we will start seeing our churches explode with children who are being loved and nurtured in church families because of the beautiful ministry of foster care and adoption. That is my prayer and hope anyway. I've said it before, I believe orphans are at the heart of God, so in believing this, I also believe our churches should be mirroring this heart. I pray everyday to that end - specifically for my own local church, but also for the Church in general. Adoption and foster care and healing is not something that we as believers should be fearful of. If God has called you to this ministry, He will go with you, and He will equip you perfectly for it. Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. I John 4:18

Jamesy has been in AWAA's Transition Home (TH) since July, when he turned 7 months. The TH is wonderful. It is clean (yes small and very simple when compared to American standard's) and the children are nurtured, cared for, and I even dare say loved by the wonderful nannies. Yes, the nannies are overworked, yes there are about 5-7 babies per nanny, but for being an institution in a developing country, Jamesy is getting phenomenal care. Jamesy has bonded with his nannies, especially with one special nanny. When we swoop in for our gotcha day we will be introducing trauma once again into our son's life. Even though he is only fourteen months old, and he will not specifically remember any of this, he will grieve the loss of this special place and precious people who met his needs for the past 7 months of his life. Jamesy will be handling some very major transitions from new foods, clothes (think snow gear!), smells, people, language, experiences (think car seat!), environment, climate etc. All of these transitions will happen very rapidly, and they will all cause him more pain, more confusion, more healing that will need to take place. As Jamesy's parents, we want to be sensitive to all that will be taking place in his heart, all of the pain that he will be enduring. We want to be equipped and ready to help him begin the healing process. We feel this is our role as his parents. It is our obligation with each of the children God chooses to bless us with. Because of this we are taking a rather intense approach, and we plan to cocoon him for six weeks. I will share our specific plan in another post.

Here is an analogy that I read on adoption. This gives just a taste of the pain and trauma that adopted (and foster) children face during their transition. I know this is extreme, but at the same time, it really softened my heart and opened my eyes to the truth of the hurt and insecurities that undoubtedly will be in Jamesy's heart.


Imagine for a moment…

You have met the person you've dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by "soul mate," for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow.

The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day's events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world…the person who will be with you for the rest of your life.

The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner's arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face.

But IT'S NOT HIM! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man? Where is your beloved?

You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn't understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back,...even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay.But you know that nothing is okay.

Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him?

Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn't speak your language-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn't seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone.

You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact.

Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He's finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don't understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it.

More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you?


You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried.

The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you.

You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy.

The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy.The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to "get along." You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation.

Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair.

Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you've ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you've never heard before.

He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you're used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black.

You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to sleep.

People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy's hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you've fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness.

Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you're hanging on for dear life, you've learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along.

Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.--Written by Cynthia Hockman-Chupp

This can leave one feeling hopeless, but I just want to reiterate that we are not without hope. Yes, we want to understand and be prepared for the hurt, the pain, the trauma that our brown-eyed boy has encountered and will endure, BUT THERE IS HOPE. We are trusting God that by investing in Jamesy's life and diving into the middle of his hurt immediately is going to produce long-term positive outcomes in the healing of his heart. We are not promised an easy, pain-free road. If we were looking for that, we never would have pursued adoption - we probably never would have had any children! Not every day will be beautiful and calm. This could be a messy, long process, but so was our adoption in Christ. Nothing about that was easy.

Our family is not capable of doing this on our own. We cannot walk this in a vacuum. We need help, we need to know we are being supported, even if you think our plans are way too excessive and crazy. Even if everything I wrote here seems like jarble and nonsense, but if you love us then please respect us and support us and get involved! This is a vital time in our life when our family must be surrounded by only those people who are willing to walk this long, hard road with us. We need encouragement, love, and we need prayers. We need lots and lots of prayer. This is where our church, our families, our friends - those specifically that do not feel the call of adoption on their lives at this time - can step up and take a huge part in carrying out James 1:27. Although, Jamesy is no longer an orphan, Jamesy's heart is still orphaned, and he needs the love, prayers, and support of many people. He needs for his church family to understand where he has come from, and that he may not act the same as children in our church who have grown up in birth families. We are praying that our investment up front will pay off in the end, and that God will bless Jamesy and our family and heal the broken heart of our beautiful brown-eyed boy. We are praying that God draws Jamesy's heart to Himself and one day Jamesy experiences full healing in accepting Jesus Christ as his Savior. We pray that ultimately, no matter the outcome, that God is honored with our story, and that He receives all of the glory, all of the praise, and all of the fame. For it is ONLY He that deserves any of it.