We know that to our church family, family, and friends some of what we are going to implement will be hard to understand, because you have prayed, encouraged, supported (with prayers and finances) our family all of the way to this point. Many feel connected to Jamesy already and are longing to see the brown-eyed boy who has drawn people a world away to the throne together. And we want that for you. But first we want to allow his broken, hurt heart to begin to heal inside of the safe cocoon of his family. If our family is able to bond with Jamesy during this time and begin attachment with him, then he will be much more successful in bonding with all of our family and friends in the future. It is absolutely critical that we allow him to gain an understanding of our family first - Dad, Mom, sister and brother. This is a very foreign concept for him.
What we plan to do is not reasonable for every adopting family. Again, please understand that this is our plan. It is not necessarily the best plan, but we do feel it is the best plan for our family. We are dedicated to taking extreme measures during the first critical weeks of introducing Jamesy into our family. The first six weeks at home will be spent in a cocoon. Our plan is subject to change as we get to know Jamesy on a deeper level and as we feel out how our family is melding together. But we have a starting point, a plan to start with, as we come home exhausted with a brand new son.
Our Attachment Plan (Much of this has been borrowed and tweaked from others):
- For the first six weeks that we are home with Jamesy, our home will be our cocoon. We will not be welcoming any visitors into our home at this time - family or otherwise - and we will not be going out. An exception will be made for doctor appointments as these are very important for Jamesy to attend. Our cocoon has the potential to extend to eight weeks if need be.
- Jim will resume going to work as soon as he needs to, but will try to stay home at least the first few days. After Jim has gone back to work and I am home with the children, I will be very conscientious to not take phone calls during the day. We will do everything we can to make our home quiet and calm and structured with little stimulation - such as TV, loud noises, excessive toys, etc. We have learned that structure and routine bring comfort to children from hard places (Actually I really believe all children benefit from this!). All of my attention will be devoted to the children during the day. We will resume schooling with Cadi as soon as possible, understanding it may look and be different during this time.
- Jamesy will be worn in a front pack or a sling for the first three months that he is home, as much as possible. Physical contact is one of the best ways to bond, and it will help Jamesy begin to develop trust in us. Wearing Jamesy will help him to know our smell, our heartbeat, our language, and familiarize him with his two primary care givers - Mom and Dad.
- Jamesy will nap in a carrier or in our arms for at least the first six weeks. We will slowly start introducing independence at nap time after the initial six weeks, but we will come very quickly when he cries. He will never be left to cry it out. We want him to understand that he has a voice that is now being heard, and that he can trust us to meet his needs.
- Jim and I will be the only people to hold Jamesy during the initial 6-8 weeks. We want him to understand our role in his life and how it is different than anybody else that he encounters.
- We will initiate bonding activities daily such as massaging him with lotion and playing bonding type games.
- After the initial 6 weeks (or 8 depending on how he is doing) we will slowly start to shed our cocoon. We will go out of the house to places with little stimuli at first and gradually introduce him to more and more of our world and the people who love him.
- For the first 6 months Jim and I will be the only people to give Jamesy a bottle (keeping him on our lap and focusing on eye contact and physical touch), spoon feed him, and change his diaper. I learned that infants typically get about 4 hours a day of eye contact over the course of 12 feedings (From Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child). Jamesy has missed a lot of this in having his bottle propped for many, many of his feedings. This is a gift that we can give to him.
- Jamesy will be given a bottle and be bottle fed on our laps until he is two years old.
- For the first 6-8 weeks we will not use the word no or limit set with him. After that we will gradually introduce no and healthy boundaries. We do not know what discipline will look like for him in his toddler years, as we do not yet know what his needs will be. But we are willing to do whatever it takes to discipline him in the best way that fits him. We are not looking for cookie cutter discipline here.
- For the first 3 months Jamesy will only be separated from Tiffany for 30 minute intervals as needed.
- Jamesy will not spend the night away from Tiffany for the first year that he is home.
- Jamesy will never be left in our church nursery. This is simply because of the similarities it has to an institution and his inability to differentiate between the two at his age. He will sit in the service with us until he is two years old and we can evaluate his needs from there.
That is our attachment plan. I am sure it seems overwhelming and excessive to some. For sure this will be exhausting and taxing. We cannot do it without the grace of God. We have never heard of a family that has cocooned and followed an attachment plan and regretted doing it, but we have heard of several who have regretted not doing it.
These first critical weeks are a gift, and they cannot be relived. This is how we are choosing to open our gift.
Addis Ababa Time