It has been several weeks at this intensity. I have heard my husband say on many occasions, to people who are asking for one more thing, expecting a little bit more from our family, we are just so busy. Then the glazed expressions take over their faces, and I can almost see their wheels spinning, Just how busy can they be? He is not even the lead pastor of the church. She just stays at home all day.
BUSY. But we are so busy.
And I understand why people might think that we are not, we do not publicly share our entire calendar, although we do try to live out our lives in a public manner, there are just some things that do not get shared. I try really hard not to have a complaining spirit, in real life, and especially on social media. But I have to be honest, in part simply because by writing this I am clearing out a piece of my head and hopefully making room for the next thing that needs to occupy it. This week I am completely empty, and life is not stopping for me to catch up and fill up. If anything, this week brought even more intensity, and with it an emptiness and an overwhelmingness that has my stomach in knots. People's expectations seem to be rocketing, and I lay in bed at night and wonder to myself, who did I let down today? What did I let slip through the cracks? I pray it's not my children or my husband, but I know sometimes lately it has been them in order to keep up with the other expectations threatening to suffocate me.
It's the same for my husband. I see it in his tired eyes every evening. He is empty too.
How it is that I even have friends any more is beyond me. I have so little left to use in cultivating my friendships, so they fall to the way-side while I do the things I need to do to survive the calendar. I was going to sit here and list out all of the things that were on our plate this week alone, but that thought overwhelmed me to have to see it all in black and white. Honestly, I do not have the time to sit here and do any of this. Today is packed full, and I am already behind and neglecting someone or something. I am racing my mug of coffee, once it is drained this post is done.
Everything on our plates and in our calendar is good. It is so good. Most of it is ministry. But some days I wonder if we were to simplify a bit, and clear off our calendar, if that would be better used to advance the kingdom. I am just not sure how to go about that, but I am beginning to question if we are doing too little of too much. Neither my husband nor I have ever been good at letting people down by saying no. I know that something has to change, though. Coffee is not sustaining me any longer, and my flesh is weak.
I am emptied, completely emptied. Perhaps that is exactly where God wants me to be.
For today I have to do what is set before me, but perhaps tomorrow something can be erased. For today I need His strength, because I have nothing left to give. I am weak. I am tired. I am used up (and my coffee cup is drained).
In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly. Psalms 5:3
Would you please pray for our close friends, Adam and Bethany? At almost 36 weeks, Bethany delivered her twin girls during an emergency c-section. Sweet little Ada Grace is healthy and strong but her sister Abigail Joy is struggling. Abby is in the NICU with some severe breathing issues due to unexplained fluid around her lungs. The situation is serious, and she needs prayer for healing. Adam and Bethany have been a shining example of the peace that comes from God alone as they have surrendered to God's plan for their precious baby girl. May God heal Abby, but even more may God's glory be renowned through the life of sweet Abby and her family.