.She Goes to School..

I have been kind of quiet here about it. Actually, I think I have been silent. But for the first time ever, I sent my Cadi to school last week. Up until this point, I had home schooled her. I loved every moment that Cadi was by my side, and it is not over, as soon as we are in Ethiopia, I will be bringing her back home and teaching her, along with her big brother and her little brother. But for right now, God has made it very clear that school is absolutely where she belongs - in the same school as our Habi. I think I have not blogged about this, because to be honest, having to justify family decisions to the "world" is exhausting. I am tired of being judged. I am weary of the vindictiveness and self righteousness (all of which I admit to have fallen prey to before.) At the same time, I desire for this place to continue to be my safe spot. The place where I can come, pour out my heart through my fingertips, share my fears and passions, and just write. A place covered in grace, where I can be authentic, transparent  - just me. So to just ignore this decision in our life, doesn't really fit that.

The reason we sent Cadi to school is simple and complicated. Simply put, our life last year became way too busy, hurried, and chaotic. Habi was attending school over an hour away (one way), Jamesy had 3-4 therapy sessions in our home every week, we hosted small group, I homeschooled, and we were trying to manage through the first year of adjustment of bringing a child into our home - a teenage child and Jamesy's new diagnosis of Autism. Homework with an ESL student was consuming, and so was his grief. On top of everything, the Spirit was working very certainly in our hearts, and we knew that He was moving us on from our church and ministry. We were restless, confused, dazed, and exhausted. We were lonely and desperate for help. I was burned out. I was depressed. I was anxious. I couldn't do it all. I couldn't keep up, and my family suffered. My babies suffered. My hubby suffered. I suffered. We knew that Habi belonged in our home and in our family. God had done amazing things to get him to us, but our life was spinning wildly out of control.

I felt nothing but weariness every single day as I dragged myself out of bed, most nights only sleeping a few hours at best. Every time I pulled out our curriculum my body would tense - the joy was completely gone. And even now, looking back, my throat burns, I don't remember too much of the school year. I took too few photos, there were no fun crafts, the memories are more bitter than sweet. I knew that I couldn't go on one more year like that. My heart grew heavier as the days flew by. I felt like a failure, like I had zapped the joy right out of Cadi's education. I wasn't the same mommy as the year before or the three years before that. I felt the weight of her education on my shoulders, and I crumpled when it coupled with the other weights of last year. I cried and pleaded for help in our small group, but what it honestly came down to was me surrendering my Cadi to Him.  I had to open my hands and release my control and truthfully idolatry. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life. I thought that I was a "life-time homeschooler". I had made so many arguments to that affect, but God made it very clear that I needed to trust Him enough with my daughter that I could send her off to school.

So I did. Last Wednesday, I kissed her sweet cheeks, prayed with her, and sent her off to third grade - without me.

In the meantime I am trusting Him to heal me. I have so many hurts from last year, and honestly am still so exhausted. But I am starting to see a ray of hope. We now live about 3 blocks from the school that my children attend. Scotty is home with me, and we are doing a very relaxed kindergarten, and so far it has been exactly what I need to remind myself again why I really do LOVE homeschooling. It has been so precious to spend some one-on-one time with my Scotty - something he has admittedly not gotten much of with the past few years of craziness. Jamesy is spending part of the morning with us - coloring, singing, and even picking up some letter sounds! The other time he is snug in the arms of his daddy. We only school for about 2 hours, and then the boys play together, and I am able to do laundry, meal plan, cook, bake, READ, and just enjoy breathing again. I can go for walks, sip coffee, linger over passages in the Bible - all things that had been sacrificed last year. My days are slower, calmer, and more peaceful. I finally feel as if my family is coming back together, and that I am being put back together. Every afternoon I am so anxious for my oldest two to be back with us, but I adore hearing their school stories and can see how good this is for them. We have a lovely school, and I am so thankful for that. God knew what He was doing. He always does. He always has our best in mind - even when it looks different than I imagined.

So that is that. I quit homeschooling, and I sent Cadi to school. This is our imperfect journey. It might look differently from your imperfect journey. Let's let that be okay. Let's just keep loving and passing around the candy bowls filled with sweet grace and mercy. Because I sure know that I could use some, and my guess is that so can you. I am still growing, changing, and learning, and striving to live ABUNDANTLY. And for now, that means, she goes to school.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. ~John 10:10

I awoke feeling a little cynical, a little grumpy, and just not wanting to do this. I was feeling sorry for myself, my family, for Cadi. I wish that I did not know what ITP was, or how many platelets Cadi has. I was angry that we have to keep such careful watch over Cadi and how it is starting to make her nervous. I don't want to check her gums any longer, only to find them bleeding. I wish Cadi did not have a Hematologist, and that we did not have direct access to her via a phone number plastered to the fridge.

I wish that every fall, every bump, every bruise was not cause for major concern. If only I had never heard of petechia or knew what it meant. I hate that I have a notebook documenting this journey, and how many hours I have used surfing forums for help for Cadi. I hate the fear that strangles me, mocks me, and makes it so difficult to take my thoughts captive.



The thoughts all swirled in my head before I even got out from under my warm quilt this morning.

Then it hit me. Tiffany, the only reason that this has not ever been a part of your life until now is grace.

Any carefree, wonderful healthy days, years, moments that I have had with my family are grace - they are all undeserved. They are a gift. This trial, this small little hiccup, is merely pointing me back to His grace that blankets every part of my life.

Even this - all of this - the ugly parts that pierce my Mommy heart are grace. It could always be worse. God's grace and goodness are still here, still surrounding me, my family, my home. I just have to open my eyes a little wider.

I have been looking at the Bible to see what God says about trials, and I am learning that my faith can only be proven genuine when tested with trials and grief.

1 Peter 1:6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith — of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire — may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

The time that I need my faith to be most real, most genuine is when I am undergoing trials. Faith during trials leads to spiritual maturity.

James 1:2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I am going to consider this joy, and see the grace God is giving me in allowing my faith to grow through this trial. That does not mean that this doesn't hurt, that I am not scared, that I do not cry or question. It simply means I cling to God, trust His plan, and open my eyes to His goodness - even here - even now.

.When our Family Becomes our god.

I love my family. I love my children. I love my husband. I love my ministry of being a wife, mommy, and homemaker. But do I love God more? It is easy to say yes, of course I do. But do my actions really show that?

Luke 14:26 says If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Those are some pretty hard words to swallow. But what Jesus is saying is that we should love Him so much that all of our other relationships pale in comparison and look like hate next to our love for God and His Son.

Over and over on my blog I have emphasized family and my children, and in doing so I fear there is a danger to emphasizing this one thing to the exclusion of other things. And I do not want this to be so. I do not want anyone to read my blog or to speak to me and get the idea that placing family over God is okay, because that is just not so. I see a dangerous trend happening in homeschooling families, and God has been opening my eyes to it. I am thankful for that. This post is not written to condemn or judge others, I cannot see the intent of hearts. I am merely sharing what I have outwardly seen and what God has been convicting me of in my own life lately.

Whatever is most important to us becomes our god.

Even good things, wonderful things can turn into sin when they become our ultimate. When this happens they have become our idol -they have become our god. Yes, even our family. There is an enemy walking this world seeking to devour our souls. He will use any means possible to deceive us to trick us. He will even use good things such as our family - our mates - our children. I believe Satan has really been attacking home schooling families. Think about it. He knows how very important family is to those that home school (And please don't think I am suggesting it is not important to those that don't. That is not the point of this.), for most of us that is a big factor in why we chose home schooling. If Satan can trick us into making our family our god, we had better believe that he will!

Matthew 10:37 speaks very strongly about this very thing. He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.

Is not worthy of God - did you catch that? Does that make your heart beat a little fast?

In the past I have put my focus on and pride in my family. According to the Bible though this is sin. I agree that Christian families need to be strengthened. I believe that there is a breakdown of godly families in America. But we must choose to use discretion and not elevate or prioritize our family more than God.

Mark 12:28-30 Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.


Luke 11:28 … blessed are those who hear the word of God, and observe it.

I don't know about you, but I do not want my children being raised thinking that our family is a priority over God. I desire for God to be my first priority and for my children to see this. Now I am just working out how and what needs to change.
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