I awoke feeling a little cynical, a little grumpy, and just not wanting to do this. I was feeling sorry for myself, my family, for Cadi. I wish that I did not know what ITP was, or how many platelets Cadi has. I was angry that we have to keep such careful watch over Cadi and how it is starting to make her nervous. I don't want to check her gums any longer, only to find them bleeding. I wish Cadi did not have a Hematologist, and that we did not have direct access to her via a phone number plastered to the fridge.

I wish that every fall, every bump, every bruise was not cause for major concern. If only I had never heard of petechia or knew what it meant. I hate that I have a notebook documenting this journey, and how many hours I have used surfing forums for help for Cadi. I hate the fear that strangles me, mocks me, and makes it so difficult to take my thoughts captive.



The thoughts all swirled in my head before I even got out from under my warm quilt this morning.

Then it hit me. Tiffany, the only reason that this has not ever been a part of your life until now is grace.

Any carefree, wonderful healthy days, years, moments that I have had with my family are grace - they are all undeserved. They are a gift. This trial, this small little hiccup, is merely pointing me back to His grace that blankets every part of my life.

Even this - all of this - the ugly parts that pierce my Mommy heart are grace. It could always be worse. God's grace and goodness are still here, still surrounding me, my family, my home. I just have to open my eyes a little wider.

I have been looking at the Bible to see what God says about trials, and I am learning that my faith can only be proven genuine when tested with trials and grief.

1 Peter 1:6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith — of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire — may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

The time that I need my faith to be most real, most genuine is when I am undergoing trials. Faith during trials leads to spiritual maturity.

James 1:2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I am going to consider this joy, and see the grace God is giving me in allowing my faith to grow through this trial. That does not mean that this doesn't hurt, that I am not scared, that I do not cry or question. It simply means I cling to God, trust His plan, and open my eyes to His goodness - even here - even now.

.Finding my Rest (Update on Cadi).

As soon as she awoke yesterday I knew something wasn't right. Over the weekend Cadi had seemed a little better, still tired, but she seemed to have a little more energy. She had no signs or symptoms that her platelets were falling. I was very hopeful that she truly was going to be the exception for I.T.P., and that just one treatment kicked her body back into gear allowing her to make a full recovery.

However, sadly that does not seem to be the case. Which is normal for I.T.P. cases, but this is not another case, this is my Cadi.

I noticed late yesterday morning that petechia was spreading all over her chest, her belly, and her legs again. I panicked, now realizing that this is an indicator of dropping platelets. We called her Hematologist and were told to go straight to our local hospital for a blood draw. (She was supposed to wait and get one on Thursday.) Sure enough her platelets have dropped.

First I have to correct myself. I had previously said that Cadi's counts were at a 9 at the beginning of her diagnosis. That is what we were told by several different doctors. However, yesterday, I found out most doctors just don't say the THOUSAND that comes after it. So Cadi was actually at 9,000 - not 9 (a 9,000 is a critical count - anything 10,000 or under is.) Last Thursday she went up to 78,000 (which the nurse on the phone had told us the thousand that time). I apologize for the misinformation.

Yesterday Cadi was down to 27k. She is back into a dangerous zone with her platelets - not critical as the risk for hemorrhaging and internal bleeding is still not as great as before, thankfully. The Hematologist wants us to watch her for membrane bleeding, and if she does not have any then wait until next Tuesday to test her blood again.

I had been praying and praying that my Cadi was going to be the exception to this diagnosis, and that this would all be behind us by Christmas. Which is pretty unrealistic humanly speaking, but I knew for God it was possible. It just is not His plan. So we continue to be in the thick of this. Cadi continues to feel very fatigued from the mono, and her blood platelets are dropping.

My prayer is still that her body starts working properly on its own, and that we see a spike in her count next week. For now we continue to lay low. I am trying to do a little school with Cadi each day, but I am so thankful that Christmas break starts on Friday for her. I feel so sad that Cadi is not able to participate in the normal Christmas activities. We have resigned to the fact that she will not be singing her solo Christmas Eve at church (although we are going to record her singing it, and it will be played), and Cadi will not be able to attend church Christmas morning either. She has missed parties and get-togethers. But the one thing that cannot be taken away is the true meaning of Christmas - celebrating the birthday of Jesus. So we are going to focus on that, and not on everything that she is missing. We may not have Christmas cookies, and I may not have sent out my Christmas cards, no presents are wrapped and really very few were purchased (I have had sick children since Halloween!), but Jesus, well He is being lifted up and exalted and made much of. And that, that is Christmas.

My grandma remains in the hospital and needs serious prayer, and so does the entire family.

I am tired, I am weary, but I am not defeated. I know everything is filtered through the hand of my God. I know that all of this is His perfect plan, orchestrated lovingly by Him. So for now I find my rest in that knowledge, and that is enough.

This photo was taken a few days ago when Cadi was feeling a little better.

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

.Count is In *with edit*.

78,000!!! From 9! Can you believe it??

Today was intense waiting around for Cadi's blood results. This morning my grandma was rushed to the ER with congestive heart failure. We just have a lot going on. But in the midst of it all, we have so very much to be thankful for!

I prayed for 10,000, and God went above and beyond!!

Now we are petitioning God to completely get rid of this blood disease and allow Cadi's body to work correctly again. Today her counts are supposed to be the highest possible after treatments. What is typical of I.T.P. is that her counts will now start dropping as the medication is leaving her body, and she will once again have a low count next Thursday. BUT we are praying that Cadi is the exception, and that her platelets are even higher next week. Would you pray in agreement with us?

Although, Cadi's count is up, she still has to be careful-especially with head or belly trauma. Remember a good count is between 150,000 and 450,000. But I feel much more relaxed right now. She is still sleepy from mono, but overall she is doing well.

Wow, what a week. All I know is that the body of Christ is phenomenal. The meals, phone calls, prayers, cards, care packages, emails, etc., etc. have just humbled our family. We are beyond blessed. God is so good to use His people to lift us up! Thank you for allowing him to work through you. Our family is so thankful for you all!

No photos for this post. My computer is completely on the fritz, and I am using Jim's iPad from work.

*My computer randomly worked long enough for me to upload this short little message from my Cadi-Bug.

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.Cadi's Diagnosis.

God is good and has been so, so gracious to our family. We have a diagnosis. After over 12 hours in a children's hospital yesterday, we are home. This post is going to be medically detailed. I know hundreds of you were lifting up Cadi in prayer, and I want to give you the best explanation that I can. Cadi has Immune Thrombocytopenic Purpura (more commonly known as I.T.P.). She also has mono, but that is really secondary at this point.

I have a big pamphlet in front of me about Cadi's diagnosis, and I am using it to try to explain her disease to you. For most people, the normal platelet count is 150,000 to 450,000. A person is diagnosed with I.T.P. when leukemia and other cancers have been ruled out, when their white blood cell count is normal, and red blood count is normal, and when their blood platelet count is below 100,000. (The platelets are getting attacked and destroyed by the person's spleen.) A person with I.T.P. who has a blood platelet count of 10,000 is considered a severe and critical case. Our Cadi, as of yesterday, had a blood platelet count of 9. In some cases of children, no treatment would really be necessary, just monitoring of the blood platelets. But because of the dangerous count, Cadi had to begin treatment immediately yesterday.

She had a seven hour intravenous treatment of Gamma Globulin (IGIV) - this is basically plasma that people have donated. The hope is that her spleen will now go to work attacking and destroying that plasma and leave her blood platelets alone. She was also given Prednisone. Part of the reason for the Prednisone is to combat the side effects that come with IGIV - vomiting, severe headache, neck pain, and aseptic meningitis (from what I understand this is basically all of the symptoms of meningitis, but not the disease itself). Prednisone should also help the platelet count to begin to increase. However, it has horrible side effects - high weight gain, puffy cheeks, irritability, increase in appetite, etc.

IGIV and Prednisone are usually pretty beneficial in a patient with I.T.P., however it usually only brings the count up for a few days and then they fall again. After this happens a new treatment would take place. Cadi will get her blood drawn on Thursday to check her count, and we will go from there. Our prayer is that her count would go up and stay up. We serve a BIG God.

At this point in time we do not know the long term prognosis for Cadi. We are hoping that she has an acute case. What this means is that it was a sudden onset after a virus, fever, or immunizations (she had all three recently), and that it will go away in six months. We are praying against it being chronic - a disease she will fight her entire life. If the platelet count stays low for a period of six months, it is at this time she would be diagnosed as chronic. At this point of time there is no way to tell which it is. It seems it could be acute, but the doctors are very concerned because of how low her platelet count is. That is usually not the case in acute diagnosis, but we pray Cadi is the exception.

Here is where we still need major prayer - Cadi is at a huge risk for internal bleeding and hemorrhaging because of her count. She has to stay very low. She cannot get bumped or run into anything - especially in her stomach or head region. If she does, this could be life threatening at this point. Cadi also cannot get a cut right now, as her blood is not really clotting. This is the part that I am terrified about. Going out of the house is potentially dangerous for Cadi. If she were to slip or fall or bump heads with someone, it could be fatal. We need prayer warriors. We need wisdom. How do I hover over her 24/7? I don't. I have to do my best and trust my God, but friends, I am scared. Please pray. This is where we are right now. We will hopefully have new, higher counts by the end of the week!

Your prayers have meant more to our family than we could ever say. As we drove to the hospital yesterday, Jim and I kept remarking over the peace and calmness that we felt. Your prayers covered Cadi, and she was so brave and a shining little light on that oncology floor yesterday. Your prayers covered Scotty as he was with my parents, and Jamesy as he was so calm and well behaved during the long hours with us at the hospital. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Please keep praying for our Cadi. I will keep updating. Today I am just soaking in my children - this life is but a vapor.