.An Evening of Solidarity.

I think that at the core of us, no matter our bent toward introvertedness or extrovertedness, we want to be known and to belong. We were created for relationships - of course a relationship with our Creator - but also relationships with flesh and blood people around us. Perhaps this desire has been the hardest part of this five year journey that God has taken us on. The loneliness has been palatable at times. Yet, I know standing here five years removed from the beginning of the faith journey God began leading us on, five years removed from some friendships and women that I never could have imagined wouldn't link arms with me for the journey, I know that the pain, the loneliness was necessary. I am a different woman today than the one I was before God yanked away the American dream and replaced it with His dream. I've retreated into myself more and learned who I am in Christ, apart from voices of girlfriends. I have relied more on the strength of Jesus to pull me through, dark depressing days, when in the past I may have relied more on humans to soothe away the hurt.



Taking a crazy journey of faith, that doesn't fit inside a safe box, makes a person a little uncomfortable to be around. I haven't exactly figured out why, but I know it is true. Add to that falling in love with orphans and a third world country, seeing poverty up close, and witnessing things that would make grown men sob, and I probably make a pretty depressing friend. I will never be the same again. I will never see the world as I did five years ago before God truly got a hold of my heart. So much of what used to matter - like organic, whole foods, and homemade laundry detergent, keeping a perfect home, chit-chatting about shoes and clothes and designer bags, doesn't matter at all anymore. I can no longer do the small talk, because this life is far too short and there is far too much to do. It's not easy to be my friend any longer, because my vocabulary has changed, my passions, my heart - everything inside of me, and they explode into every conversation, unless I fake it. And I have tried, but I fail. The reality is that I am a depressing, hard friend.



As many nights as I have cried into my pillow for God to bring me my people, I would never, ever turn the clocks back to five years ago and make a different choice. Knowing what I know now, I would still choose this road. I would still choose to board that plane. I would still choose to have God break my heart to smithereens every time my eyes met the haunted, hollow eyes of the starving street children. I would still choose to see what I saw in those orphanages - to know the horrible truth of institutionalization on the lives of precious little children. Those experiences have become part of me, and I needed them just as much as I have needed these five years of loneliness.



Although the overall melody of the past five years has been permeated with loneliness and a realization that I am lost inside my own skin, there have been beautiful high notes that break out in a crescendo every once in awhile. There are a few girlfriends nearby who did link arms with me, despite not having experienced what I had experienced. Although they are few, they are absolutely precious. And there are those girlfriends, those families spread all over the map, who have had similar journies and similar experiences, who truly get it. It's taken me a long time to fully realize what a gift my adoption community really is. Of course, I wish I could open my back door and welcome a friend to grab a cup of coffee anytime my heart needed encouragement, but honestly all I have to do is open my laptop and I literally have hundreds of women whose hearts beat out the same rhythm as mine. I realize now what an incredible gift this is, and how rare of a blessing I have been given.

And this past weekend, I got to spend several hours with two of these women and their families. To hug the necks of women who have been in the trenches, who have seen what I have seen, who are tired and feel as if they have nothing more to give, who wrestle with life here in America after seeing life over there,  who are desperate to do a  great job of parenting these children who we fought so hard for while not neglecting the children we birthed, who question the status quo - even in our churches - there is no way to describe what it is to look into the worn, tired eyes of sisters in Jesus and know that I am known. I belong somewhere.



We stood in the kitchen, we sipped sangrias and cokes, and children ran around us - a beautiful sea of faces and colors. We said little and we said a lot - our eyes and hearts saying the most. She tentatively formed the words do you ever think about how easy it would have been? The three of us look at one another as the words hover in the spaces between us. Sacred words that cannot be whispered to girlfriends who don't understand what these journies have cost us. But in that room, those words are safe and understood. There is no judgement and there is no guilt in feeling the emotions that come with the path that we have each chosen. Tears filled our eyes, each of us deep in thought thinking about how easy life may have been if we had said no. No to the eight children from Ethiopia between the three of us. No, to a third world country. No to adoption and heart ache and expense and pain. No to having to figure out how to parent children who don't even know what living in a family really means. We have all lost something in this journey - there is always a cost to following Jesus. And as the weight of the words hung over us, and tears pricked our eyes, we knew it was a safe question, and without saying a word we also knew that none of us would ever choose to go back and take the easy path.

The evening continued with laughter and empathy, and the amazing gift of being reunited on this side of the ocean with our favorite Ethiopian guide, his sweet wife, and their little girl (they just recently obtained visas to live in the states). With food and fellowship. With mommy stories and understanding and empathy for the teenage years we are embarking on. We threw up our hands and admitted to having no idea what we were doing and shared stories about cell phones and curfews and laundry and {shudder} girlfriends. It was relaxed. I dare even say it was worshipful. And not once did one of these women who I love so dearly, because of the bond we have through Ethiopia and Jesus, take out her cell phone. We had each other for the night, and the rest of the world stood still in the background while we soaked up the minutes together. It was just flesh and blood conversation, lingering stories, nodding, tears, and a knowing that permeated the evening. It was stories revisited and exchanged. It was children - loud and happy, men - laughing and sharing, and our tight little circle of three women linking arms. And for a few hours on a warm Friday summer evening, on this side of the globe, I found myself feeling known and understood, and the solidarity for those brief moments melted the loneliness away.

 

.To the Deep End.

Yesterday was one of those hard days. The ones we all have. You know, the kind where you feel so weak, defeated, and soul tired that you stay in your pajamas all day long and cry buckets of tears. Oh, wait, am I the only one who has days like that?? And truthfully I would rather not share that I am weak and human, and have days like this, but pretending does not glorify God. So I will not pretend to have it all together - to be perfect. We have a lot of things swirling around our family right now - heavy and hard things. Things that could so easily shake our faith, and distract us from keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus Christ and his glorious purpose for our family. I went to bed Sunday evening, believing I had reached the breaking point of what I could handle. Perhaps that was the problem, although I knew all of the platitudes and even all of the truths, and I do believe them, truths like His yolk is easy and His burden is light, I think in a small way I was still trying to handle everything being heaped upon our family - in my own strength.

When I awoke yesterday morning to Cadi running into our bedroom with a bloody nose (a possible sign that her I.T.P had flared up again), something inside me just gushed wide open. It was all too much - three sick children again, extended family situations and the breath taking pain that comes from those, ministry stuff, situations with our street boy, and the list mounts. I used to believe that God only gives us what we can handle - I've even ignorantly spouted that to people going through difficult times, but after searching the Scriptues to back this platitude up, I cannot find that thought anywhere. I think God does gives us more than we can handle, to show us that it is only His strength in us that can survive the hardest moments. He gives us more than we can handle so that the only option is to let Him handle it. Because honestly there is not a single trial that I can handle on my own. Without the power of Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit living in me, I would be swept under a current of despair.

So yesterday was hard. While waiting for Cadi's platelet count to come in to learn whether or not she was having an I.T.P. flare up, one more heartbreaking item was heaped on our heads. I think it was in that moment, as I could almost physically feel my heart break, I fully surrendered all of this. I have absolutely no control and no power over any of this, save the power of Jesus Christ in me. The Holy Spirit knew what I needed, and he whispered into a sister's heart, and she listened and was at my doorstep within an hour of learning our latest news. She entered my pain, like she had done so many times before in the past two years. We came before our Father together, united in prayer, and His sweet grace gently blew into every single bruised and bleeding piece of my heart. Just a little over two years ago, I would have never allowed this kind of friendship. My girlfriends were far and few between, and they were kept at an arm's length. I only let them see the good stuff. That mask I talked about a few posts back was on securely when it came to my friendships. But God has used this girlfriend among other precious girlfriends to show me what freedom can be found in authentic relationships. The kind of friendships that are not afraid to crash your home, turn a blind eye to unswept floors, and hold you in your unshowered, pajama-clad, bed haired, possibly even stinky mess. For the first time in my life, I am letting women - people - inside of my heart - the raw, broken, unperfect crevices of my heart. For me it has been a long and slow process. It started with blogging transparently, and at times my heart still races and my palms still sweat as I anticipate publishing this kind of thing for the "world".  And then it was facebook that God started to break my walls down with - little statuses that were filled with the authentic Tiffany, and then they snowballed into more and more transparency as I got bold enough to petition for prayers, and started baring our life instead of hiding it away. And finally it is unfolding into those real, authentic face-to-face friendships, for me the path had to look like this. I needed to start in the shallow end and gently make my way to the deep end, and at times, I still retreat back to the shallow, but because of God's grace I have not gotten out of the pool and hidden myself inside a towel in a very long time. For some personalities, diving into the deep end will be all it takes.

As I ramble on so far away from what I sat down to originally write (so far away - that I will have to change my original title and write about that some other day - love, love, love how the Holy Spirit guides and directs even my fingers as they are flying over these keys), I just want to encourage you to make your way to the deep end - to real, intimate, authentic relationships. God gives grace in this area, and perhaps you are like me and will need to ease in slowly dipping your toes to test the waters, but just start, just do it. Just lay your life open - there is a difference between privacy and secrecy. I believe that there are moments that God gives us with Him, with our family, with our friends that should be kept private, although I also believe they are farther and fewer between than our American culture dictates (because being a disciple of Jesus and wanting to disciple others, our lives are a living example. How could this be true if we are not openly sharing them?), but I also strongly believe that there is no room for secrets and masks between brothers and sisters in the family of Jesus. There should be no dissonance between word and spirit, no pretense. When we live a transparent life before others we are revealing Jesus in us and we are acknowledging that every good thing is from God! To live this way, we have to reveal what is on the inside. It takes courage and faith to unveil our true selves, in spite of imperfections. We are a walking, talking, breathing billboard for God's amazing grace!

When we become a follower of Jesus, we die to self, and our life no longer belongs to us - NONE of it! God cannot use what we keep secret and hidden. It's risky to make ourselves vulnerable like this. I get it. even now as I close out this post I hesitate and feel my heart pound, wanting to get out of the pool and dive under my towel. That's easier. But what if the Holy Spirit has prompted this post for you to read, and I ignore that prompting? Seems kind of selfish of me. Transparency requires humility and grace and courage, and they all come from Christ in us.

With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death. Romans 8:1-2


To be transparent - to fully immerse ourselves in the deep end, we need to focus on Him alone.



....just because this post needs a photo. {grin} Unrelated to anything written here, though. And for all who are wondering, Cadi's platelet count came in great! Praise God! My three children have been sick for several days now, but they seem to be on the upswing. Thankful for God's all-consuming grace. Our family could still use a lot of prayer right now. The enemy is working over-time, but my God will prevail!

.Summer has Come.

Have you ever been part of a moment that was so big, so amazing, so wonderful that no words would ever accurately blanket it? We were part of a moment such as this on Sunday morning. Joanna and Steve, after two long, hard years, finally stood at the front of their church as a complete family of six. Their precious Ethiopian daughter, Tsega was firmly tucked into their arms. As I sat in the pew and looked at their family I could not help but notice how they all looked so right together.

We were invited to come to Tsega's dedication ceremony. This was also the first time Tsega was brought to church, as she had been safely cocooned in her new home until then. I honestly have never witnessed anything like this. We ended up arriving at the church at the same moment as Jo and Steve. I walked through the church doors with Jo carrying Tsega, and as soon as she stepped in the building people began clapping, taking photos, and just rejoicing in the long awaited presence of this sweet little girl.

The service started with praise and worship, and the excitement and joy in that church was palpable. I fought tears the entire time. I have seen a lot of baby dedications in my life, having grown up in a church where those were the norm. But I had never, ever seen one like this, and any words I can think to describe it fall so flat. It was emotional and beautiful and tender as the pastor edified Jo and Steve to raise Tsega (along with their other children) to love and worship and serve her Creator, and to give her right back over to God. His words were poignant and from the heart, and it was so refreshing to hear the emotion in his voice as he swallowed back tears. He mentioned a few times how the whole church was behind their adoption and supported them through it, and I could sense that was true.

The dedication climaxed in the most beautiful, thoughtful, God-ward way. The pastor called to the front every person who had prayed Tsega home over the past two years to surround Jo and Steve and family. It was breathtaking. We were shoulder to shoulder circling their family. There was no room left in the front. My tears fell quick and hot as the Pastor prayed a beautiful prayer of dedication over Tsega's sweet life - giving her back to God. Then as we lifted our bowed heads we were led to sing the hymn that JO has continuously sang over Tsega since bringing her into her care How Great Thou Art. I dare say there was not a dry eye in the room.

As I stood there trying to sing past the burning lump in my throat I just kept thinking that I had just seen a true and beautiful portrait of God's redemption. I will not forget that moment for as long as I live.

Later, at the reception the church held for the family, Jo and I were able to get this photo captured together with our Ethiopian babies. It is something we dreamed of and talked of for the past year. Joanna taught me so much as she allowed me into her story. She taught me how to trust my Savior more, how to say amen or Yes, Lord, and mean it, and how to walk the hard paths with grace. I could fill up pages of a journal with wisdom she has gifted to me.



At the end of January, after our first trip to Ethiopia, when I was aching and feeling as if I could be swallowed up in the pain of leaving my youngest baby behind in a third world country, and Joanna was waiting and waiting for a court date to see her baby girl, she mailed me a card. The card is tucked in between the pages of my Bible. In the card is a photograph of a beautiful tree loaded with pink blossoms. Jo wrote this on the back of the photograph.

I believe Summer will come - we will feel the warmth of the sun on our faces and hold all of our children soon enough.

With a deep sigh of joy, contentment and amazement, I can say that Summer has come.

And on Sunday I truly did feel the warmth of the SON.

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.Relationships, Friendships, Transparency.

I've never really been good at the above. My life has typically been characterized by having just one or two friends and several acquaintances. I've never been good at balancing more than one friend, and typically feel overwhelmed and pressured if I expand my relationship circle. This is how I was even as a child, and in high school, and through college. This tendency followed me to adulthood as well.

But something strange has happened over the past year. The more I read and studied the Bible the more I could see how we are created for relationships - all of us, even the introverted, awkward ones! I didn't really see it happening, but with all of our other life change, God began to change the way I interact with people. I began to branch out for the first time and extend my hand in friendship to other women. By nature, this is not me. Last winter I began inviting a few women into my home for afternoon tea and chats. Two friendships grew out of that. Two real, genuine, authentic friendships. Both of these women have been two of my biggest champions and encouragers in our journey to Jamesy. And it is funny now to think back on how I dragged my feet about getting to know either of those women. Not because of them, but because it is hard and awkward for me to make small chat and do the initial "get to know you" thing. My friend JO (Another friendship that only God could have brought together. We are both introverted, and we have struck up a real life friendship via blogging. I even went to her house, and we have chatted on the phone a few times now!) said to me on the phone the other day We just aren't good at small talk. We like to go deep quickly and forget the niceties. and maybe that is at least part of it, another part for me is fear though. God is slowly stripping away all of the areas of my life that had been tainted with fear, and this is another one. God has blessed me in amazing ways through these friendships. He brought them into my life at the perfect time, and knew that I needed them to lean on and learn from.

My husband worked really hard this whole summer to revamp and recreate, from scratch basically, our church's small group program. He poured himself into this ministry - reading oodles of books, searching through the Bible, praying and seeking guidance from other pastors, and spending hours training people within our church. I dragged my feet a little bit this summer with having to open my home twice a week for the leader training, but God softened my heart in a huge way and grew some sweet relationships with the couples who attended the leader training. I was excited although still a bit tentative this fall when Jim launched his first ten week small group session. Our group met Wednesday evenings, and we were an unlikely mix - all different ages and stages of life, but it was a MATCH! It was exciting to see Jim's hopes and prayers for the relationships of small group members come to life in our own small group. We love our group and had the best time. We are on a break right now, and will meet again for ten weeks starting in January, and we are adding a new couple! This brings us to capacity, and I am really eager to settle in for the long haul with this extraordinary group of friends!

Jim's plans worked so well that the women in our small group are all getting together for a grown-up sleepover. I am nearly giddy over the prospect of the sweet fellowship and fun that will come of it! A year ago I would have cringed at the thought, but these women have listened to me cry over adoption frustrations and Jamesy over and over. They have prayed for me and encouraged me and just listened. I have opened myself up to them, and the same is true for all of us women. We have all cried together and prayed for one another. I have not experienced fellowship with a group of Christian women like this since my days at Bible college, and honestly I thought I never would again. But I am so, so thankful and blessed for the relationships, friendships, and transparency that God has gifted me this year. I still have a long way to go in this area, but it's not as scary anymore, and I am excited to see what the future holds.

But first I need to pack up my pillow and jammies and some chocolate maybe for a fun girly evening with some of the sweetest women I know.