.Trying to Get Her Attention.

Last week my husband, Jim, answered the question how do I get my husband's undivided attention for a serious conversation? Jim did a fantastic job hitting on several key ways for a wife to successfully carry on a serious conversation with her husband. You can read his post here. Today I am going to answer a similar question.

How do I get my wife's undivided attention for a serious conversation?

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Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

 

Jim touched on the fact that men and women communicate and think very differently. Most men (I have to generalize here, please accept my apology) typically communicate in a very straight forward, black and white kind of way. Think about the way that two men would carry on a conversation with each other. Typically one man speaks and the other man listens. When he is finished, the other man speaks and adds his thoughts. End of story. Conversation over. Conclusion established. Now picture two women carrying on a conversation. Women typically communicate in a much "messier" way. A woman ties in several thoughts, concepts, and ideas into one big conversation - bouncing back and forth and weaving in and out of subjects but tieing it all together into an elaborate concept. When two women carry on a conversation, there is usually rapid fire thoughts being shared continually back and forth, with little time for breath. One woman jumps in where the other left off. Their words mingle together and flow between each other forming one conversation. It is organized chaos.

It's no wonder that at times communicating with our spouse can seem like a foreign language! God created each of us so differently, BUT communication can happen and should happen - even serious communication. Both partners just have to be willing to learn the language that their husband/wife uses. Here are some different ways that husbands can communicate with their wives.

• Show her that you are giving her your undivided attention. When a man is engaged in a conversation with his wife, show her that your are listening with your whole body. Your ears cannot be the only sense engaged in the conversation. Most men who have been married, even just a little while, know that when a woman speaks she is not just communicating black and white words. There is a lot being said behind the words. Watch for emotion - what is her body language telling you? Listen for tone and meaning. Do not just listen to merely the words, listen to the story behind the words.
• Connect with her heart. When you communicate with your wife, try to step out of a typical "problem-solver" mentality, and speak from your heart. Women need to connect with you on a heart level. Your wife needs and wants to see your passions, your drive, your emotions - yes, your feelings. Women need to see the humanity of their husband. I truly believe that almost every wife longs to have a heart-connection with her husband. One of the ways this happens is in heart felt communication.
• If you are not sure just ask. If you are speaking from your heart and listening with your whole body, and still have not a clue what your wife is truly saying - maybe her body language is not matching her words at all - then just ask her what she meant! By showing a deep interest in your wife's thoughts, the conversation will naturally ebb and flow better and the two of you will be more connected. It is better to ask then to guess. Most women would see your asking as proof that you are truly interested in the conversation.
• Allow the conversation to ebb and flow. I am guessing here that at times it is very frustrating for a husband to carry on a conversation with his wife, especially if that man is used to cut and dry conversations where each party takes his own, quick-to-the-point, turn. It's okay to allow your wife to break into your conversation with her thoughts and feelings and comments. (A wife should never be rude or disrespectful, but the way most of us communicate is with a conversation dance - where both partys' words mingle together to form one beautiful conversation.) If you are able to relax and enjoy this conversation dance, then communication with your wife will be much smoother.

Communication requires thought, love, and patience in marriage. It also requires a willingness to humble ourselves and to learn how to listen and to communicate better. Hopefully this two part series has given all of us a little bit to think about before we enter our next conversation.

 Ladies, what would you add to this?

Thanks for all of the great questions and input that have been emailed and given to us! If you have a marriage topic or question that you would like featured on a Wedded Wednesday post, then please feel free to leave a comment or email me at amomentcherished(at)gmail(dot)com or leave a message on the blog's facebook page.

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.Trying to Get His Attention.

This week's question comes from a reader. She was very interested in the man's persepective on her question, so I decided to leave this one all up to Jim and hand this week's question over to him.

How do I get my husband's undivided attention for a serious conversation?

“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.” ~Albert Einstein

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This question seems as though it is much simpler to write than to actually accomplish sometimes. I know I could write a whole bunch of axioms, but I am guessing if you are asking this question, you probably have tried the general principles already.

So, let me start here: men and women were created very differently. The way we think, the way we reason, is vastly different. Women’s brains are like a bowl of cooked spaghetti. When you look at it you know that there are lots of strands of spaghetti, but the idea that you could see where one strand begins and another ends is ludicrous.

A women’s mind connects all dots. So, the fact that a man walks in the door, says “I love you” and throws his coat on the floor is a way of saying “I love you as my maid.”

 Men, on the other hand, separate everything into boxes. There is a box for food, a box for work, a box for wife, a box for kids, a box for hanging up coats, and of course, a box for nothing (a favorite of men.) So, when a man walks into the house says “I love you” and throws his coat on the floor, it is first a statement of his undying love for his spouse, and second a disconnected display of his desire to see his coat hanging. One is not a statement of the other-just two things that happen in close timing with one another.

Now-before the debate rages as to which way is right or wrong, let’s recognize the difference between men and women. I agree in the above account the man must be more sensitive, but I also know that the woman must see that while her husband is being a slob, he is not saying she is his servant.

Okay, before this digresses too far, let’s get back to the issue at hand:

How do I get my husband's undivided attention for a serious conversation?

I believe the most effective way to accomplish what you are trying to do here is to get your man’s undivided attention. You must make sure he is not in his illusive “nothing” box, or thinking about the awesome meal you just cooked. I thought about saying you should approach him in the nude… but that leads to a box that is particularly hard to get him out of. Seriously, make sure you have his attention, and ask when a good time to talk would be. Do not settle for a vague answer. Set something in stone and make sure you stick to it. If you have young children, maybe after everyone is to bed and you have had a few minutes to collect yourselves.

Once you have established what men refer to as a “meeting,” you now are in business. Your man should be aware that you are engaging in conversation and that there is an agenda. Don’t go overboard and go writing an agenda, but do think like a meeting with an agenda. You must know what you want out of this conversation… because if you just want to have a “serious conversation” with no objectives, you are as likely to get a talk about whether circus peanuts are good (I vote yes), or several suggestions from your husband that this meeting may go better upstairs. You will be frustrated and he will be confused. When I enter a meeting, in any setting, with no agenda the meeting immediately derails.

Now, back to the spaghetti and boxes thing. You have to speak your man’s language. If you want to talk about the problems in your marriage and you sight “that you treat me like your maid” and “that all I am to you is an object for sex” almost all men will have no idea what you mean. I know that is frustrating… BUT, if you want to be productive, you must give us all the connecting dots.

For example: “When you walk in the room and throw your coat on the floor, that tells me more about how you feel about me than the words ‘I love you’. The home is my responsibility and I take it seriously, and it is as if you walk in and don’t care. Then, when you sit down without helping me get the kids or the food to the table, I feel like you don’t understand the pressure I face every day, and that I need help. Then, right after diner, when you don’t clean up and turn on the TV ‘til bedtime I feel even more like you don’t care about me. That’s why when you come to bed and want to ‘snuggle’ I don’t feel like it. Because I am tired yes, but more so, I don’t feel like you care. Thank you for saying ‘I love you’, it is something. I am just needing help to go with the verbal affirmation.”

Now, in your man’s mind is the thought, “Oh crap, how do I fix this.” This is a man’s problem that is hard for you to understand, and I get that. However, you will find that he will begin to make absurd promises, that if you believe, you will be heartbroken. Why? Because he loves you and really does want to fix the problem. However, he has little perspective on just how to do that. Here’s how you can help with that.

“Honey, I am not looking for you to have all the answers to this tonight. Can you think on it, and maybe we can talk tomorrow about some things we can do better?” (As I write that it sounds super condescending… don’t be condescending, that is annoying. The idea is to give him time to mull it over without the pressure to have answer or make a promise he won’t be able to keep.)

Finally, when he does make an effort, praise him like crazy!! (Maybe some of that aforementioned “cuddling”)

Now, this example is addressing a problem, but the same thing rings true when talking about other non-problem issues. You must establish a time to talk about the issue, clearly articulate your perspective, and give him space to think. If it is complex-like “should we adopt?” It may take a little while… I remember when Tiffany dropped that bomb on me. You know what my initial response was: “Ummm, sure babe, I would consider going to Ethiopia. Yeah, Lucy is cute.” (In my head: What is going on??? Is this woman crazy??? {NOTHING BOX, NOTHING BOX}.)

Hope this was at least a little helpful.

Jim.

How about you? How do you get your husband's attention for a serious conversation?

Thanks for all of the great questions and input that have been emailed and given to us! If you have a marriage topic or question that you would like featured on a Wedded Wednesday post, then please feel free to leave a comment or email me at amomentcherished(at)gmail(dot)com or leave a message on the blog's facebook page.