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Monday, May 14, 2012

.Day 14 of 7.

I cried a lot today. Not really 7 induced crying, but seriously the sight of another apple may make me cry all over again.

I have written and rewritten paragraphs here and deleted them, and now I stare at a blank screen. It is weird for me when the words get stuck. But they are stuck today. God is very near. He is everyday, but today perhaps I have been more intentional about noticing. Maybe today I am realizing how very much I need Him. And He is right here. But what I have to remember is that He is there too - a world away loving, protecting, and drawing a special little street boy to Himself. He is there regardless if I am or not. I don't want to stand in the way of that, and yet my heart wants what it wants. Just a sad, emotional day.

So many times I heard myself crying to God today I didn't ask for this.

And what I am talking about is the pain, but I didn't ask for the blessing of loving two children as sons whom I did not carry in my womb, either. And that has been one of the most amazing, life-changing, life-giving experiences of my entire life. God knew that was exactly what I needed. I am guessing I need this hurt, too.

The pain makes this story that God is writing more beautiful. The pain is developing me, and making me a different person than I would be without the pain. Without the pain, yes, I would find an easier, but flatter ending. The pain will make the story more beautiful, and the beauty will all point to the glory of my God.

And perhaps this is just the day that God orchestrated for the middle of this 7 fast. There was no food to pillow my tears today, just the arms of Jesus.

And that is enough.

He is enough.

He is more than enough.


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