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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

.Today I am Angry.

I awoke this morning from another night of hardly any sleep. Maybe I got two hours, but that may be stretching it. I did get laundry done at 3 am. 6:30 am came crashing in all too quickly, and I wrestled with starting another day. I awoke angry at the fact that another day is here and while my world seems to be completely different than it was only a short time ago, everyone else seems to continue on the same.

I am angry at being made to feel like some kind of radical now that God has opened our eyes and heart to the truth of James 1:27. I am angry over hearing people spew, that's okay for you, but God has not called us all to that. He might want us to just give some money or canned goods to the poor. Lies. While yes, we do need to care for other needy people, how in the world does one not see the mandate clearly stated for ALL Christians to help orphans and widows?? What is even worse is the people that will not say the above, but have made it abundantly clear nonetheless.

I am angry because every night I close my eyes only to quickly open them in order to silence the cries my mind and heart hears from the orphanages around the world. How can I continue to live like this, when they live like that? How can we stop at just one child? What else can we do? How else can we advocate for the orphans when I look around and literally see that we are ALONE in this?

I am angry that money is such a barrier for getting to my child. I am angry that we have to fundraise and that it is so hard for my pride. I am angry over the very real conversation that Jim and I had to have yesterday about the very really possibility of having to take out a loan in order to get our child home. I am angry that just because I have never met this child, and I did not birth this child, that I am supposed to just go with the flow and wait on God's timing to bring that baby home. Would I be waiting on God's timing if Cadi or Scotty were trapped in an orphanage?? I WOULD BE MOVING HEAVEN AND EARTH.

I am angry that we have a last-ditch fund-raising effort planned, and that we will most likely blatantly be begging people to give money to us. I am angry that this is so very hard on my pride, and I am already cowering in the face of those that just don't get it.

I am angry with the cushy, Americanized churches that gloss over global needs. Why has it taken 30 years before I have really even heard or known what was going on outside my little palace? My children will not grow up with these blinders. If it takes us moving our entire family to Africa, so be it. I am angry with this whole lifestyle - with the multiple pair of shorts in my childrens dressers, with the oodles of dresses hanging in Cadi's room, with my rows of folded jeans and yet I whine that none fit right.

It's pathetic.

It's wrong.

I am angry over the stupid questions that we get asked. Why aren't you adopting in the United States? There are kids here who need families, and it would be so much cheaper. How petty! There are children all over the world that need families - that is true. God just happened to place our child in Ethiopia. Maybe our next one will be in the US, or China, or Russia, or Ethiopia again.
Questions filled with such nonsense as this, After you get this done, will you have more kids of your own? How do I even answer that? Will this baby ever be looked at by outsiders as one of our own? It just makes me angry.

If you came here looking for sunshine and rainbows today, you will have to search elsewhere. This is the raw truth of my heart at the moment. I am not looking to be placated or comforted. I think it is okay to be angry sometimes. It's in this anger that my heart is continually broken as I come to realize what God is seeing when He looks down on His world.

It's not beautiful.

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Erin said...

My heart breaks for you as I read this. Some righteous anger, some frustration, but all real - thank you for putting it all out there. It can't always be sunshine and rainbows. And now I know how to pray for you.

Anonymous said...


I don't know what to say. I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you. I understand how frustrating it can be when people do not understand ...

I know it is difficult and you probably don't feel like hearing/ reading this, but does it really matter what people who just don't understand think ( not that I would follow my own advise on this one - ever, but it is important to keep in mind.) ?

You know that your wonderful and amazing baby is out there, waiting for you. This baby is already your child - in your heart - no matter where it is right now. It will always be your child, no matter what other people say or think. You already love it with this unconditional love only parents can give, you will keep it save, you will teach it many things, you will build happy and sad memories with this wonderful child - what else is parenthood.

Yes, we live in an environment which is rich and has a lot to give, but this also means that you have the resources available to give this orphan a wonderful home and a rich life, full of hope and possibilities ...

And no, it doesn't have to be sunshine and rainbows all the time. A blog should be a place where you can write about how you feel and no one feels happy all the time. Thank you so much for sharing this!

I will keep praying for you and your family - and the child that will be blessed by coming home to such an amazing and caring mother.


Tessy said...

I have been in your place before. It is really hard to come back to the US after a mission trip and go back to the materialistic way of life - in fact it pretty much depresses you. Just remember "Radical" is the way of Jesus. You'll always have your scoffers and doubters. Be encouraged and Praise God for all he is doing and going to do! Do not let the naysayers let you lose your focus. God spoke to you and you are obeying Him. Keep going - and today I lift up my prayers for you and your family to help you up and encourage to keep running the race, keep loving those orphans, keep telling your story, keep sharing your heart despite the persecution. Your honest and sensitive heart will continue to awake others and open their eyes. God is using you.

Sarah said...

I admire your guts and your honesty. I am convicted by your post and that is a blessing to me. God bless you for the work you are doing in your heart and in the world!

Love for Lilly Yin said...

I am angry too. Angry for all the same reasons. Angry that it is acceptable for many families to buy a $30k car, but say too that an adoption cost too much. I am ANGRY, BUT I think sometimes God gives us anger so we can channel it to make a difference. I once heard the most precious African American friend of mine say: "Whatever you are angry about, let that motivate you to find a change." Turn your anger into works for a better world. She said we all have a "angry black woman" inside of us. I WANT to be an angry black woman because that is where your passion lies.
I also know that some people just don't get it and that makes me sad...we can just keep praying, and educating, and raising children who see this world differently.

Sandra said...

"In God's time" is my least favorite comment too. In a way I know it's true and the people mean well- but they just don't get that he's waiting for his forever family!!! Glad you were able to get out your frustration today! Know that there are lots of us who can empathize!

Jodes and Boz said...

Oh Tiffany! My heart was breaking all over again as i read this. I'm sitting at work, with tears, because i know the pain you are feeling. I feel it too... ALL. THE. TIME.

As you know, we're also in the process, and this will be our first. Already i know that my child(and any after him) is going to grow up with his EYES OPENED to the world.

i hate that i only have a handful of people i can talk to about this because others don't care or they don't get it, or they think I should just 'deal with it' - it's not something you can just deal with though!! My heart breaks daily.

Please know that i will be lifting you up in prayer.

Unknown said...

I have felt and still feel these same things!! During our 4 1/2 year China adoption process, I have been asked and have been given the most ignorant questions and comments. "Did you check into domestic adoption?" No, we didn't. God gave us a desire for an orphan girl, our daughter, our OWN daughter, in China. ;o) Kylie is as much our daughter as our two biological sons are. Some people just don't get it and they never will. People may look at you like you're crazy, but that is okay!! We are here to do our Father's will and glorify Him. The waiting is very hard but God will teach you many things during that time. He sees our tomorrows and He is taking care of your child. Keep persevering and growing in the Lord!!

Tiffygator said...

Oh Tiffany! I completely understand and have the same feelings. I have been having to ask God to help me with all of these feelings.

I would absolutely love to go into more detail, but I fear I would end up sounding snarky. Not to you, but to all of the people that really just don't "get it".

I pray for everyone in the adoption group, and I will be praying for your ability to sleep as well.

Tracy said...

Sister - I feel your pain. I think maybe it is some kind of grief process we go through - like stages of adoption. Early on, I really struggled with the exact things you are. All the what ifs. All the 'what will we do'. What I can tell you is that it will not always be so dark. God will send a completely selfish, worldly individual to be touched by what you are doing. He will drop money in your lap right when you need it. I can only say these as we also looked at selling our house, getting loans, and everything fell through. But when we needed the money for dossier submission - it was there. And I don't know how..

I'm angry now too with our paperwork process being longer than most. Every delay possible. But I also know that it has strengthened my faith, made blind eyes around me open (even if not all, some). You are doing what is right.

Let God take care of the details and hold on for the ride. Even if it is a bumpy one - or a long one - He doesn't make promises He doesn't keep. And this is HIS work to do - not yours.

**Disclaimer: all the above advice was given to me at one time or another in the last year by other adoptive moms. It must be a learning curve.

Kristi and Dale said...

We took out a home equity line of credit to adopt. Wise or unwise decision?! I gave up a very lucrative job to stay home with two little orphan sisters. My 6 kids range from age 3-27 yrs. Crazy?! I don't want to live out of God's will for our lives or his command to rescue the orphan for a second. He doesn't say "throw money at the orphan" or "go visit the orphan". The command is clear...RESCUE THE ORPHAN. (Ps 82) The world will never understand, but you're not of this world. Take heart- He has overcome the world. Keep fighting the good fight!

Nate and Pam said...

Thank you for sharing your heart!!!! I am in a similar situation where I have all these strong emotions, but am scared of whom I can share them with. I am a "people pleaser" and don't want anyone to disagree or be upset with me. Maybe I will one day be as brave as you to just write about it and share my heart with my readers. I'll be praying for you!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lisa said...

You have put my own heart into words. I appreciate it!

Kylee said...

I've had similar angers before too. Anger that stems from families that will have biological child after biological child and never adopt or do anything for the orphan. (or families that simply stay content with their two child perfect American family. Whether right or wrong, it angers me to no end.)I know in my heart of hearts I am not suppose to judge these families, but as I watch my two adopted brothers grow up and as I care for the abandoned, hurting foster children that come through our home, I can't help but think of the wonderful BLESSING that so many people are missing out on. It makes me angry.

I don't have words to console you, or to make this anger go away. And really, I am glad you are angry, because that means God has broken your heart for what breaks His. That is exciting!

The only thing I can say is this:
Know that I already consider that gorgeous child that is to be in your family one of YOU. That child will be in your family and is just as much your child as your sweet Cadi and Scotty are. I will never, ever, deny that.

These kids need families, and that's what your family and my family are giving them. He called your family to Africa, and He called my family to adopt/foster domestically. All of the kids are His and when those kids come to our home, they are a part of our family. To the people that cannot understand that, my heart hurts for them.

Thank you for being so vulnerable and for having the boldness to share your heart. It's more than I have.

Nutty Mom said...

I've been thinking of some fundraising ideas for you guys. Have you thought about making and selling any of those dresses you've made for Cadi? You could get men's shirts cheap at the thrift store. I'm sure lots of people would buy them. Also have you thought about those rubber bracelets that have been all the rage? I thought that would be a double whammy because not only would it raise money, but depending on what you had printed it would raise more awareness about the need for adoption. And the last thing was a cookbook? I know you love creating things with Cadi, you could have fun kid friendly recipes along with the healthy things like your bread etc?

Ok I guess that's it for now :) I'm praying for you guys!

Heather said...

I will be praying specifically for you and Jim that you will be encouraged and get the funds you need to bring your baby home.
It really is too bad about those comments people have made. I know I would be hurt by that.

Allison said...

I remember being in this exact place while we were journeying to Ethiopia for Addy. It's like living in a nightmare, except you are waiting for EVERYONE ELSE to open their eyes. But one day you will not feel so much anger (it still comes at times) but you will feel compassion for these people. You will hear their ridiculious questions and excuses and you will feel compassion that they are missing out on bringing the kingdom of heaven to earth. It doesn't make the fact that there are milions of orphans waiting for families any easier, but the compassion will come. I never thought it would, but it does.
You know, and I've never said this to anyone other then my husband, but there are times that we feel the same way about people who are not open to special needs orhpans. People wait YEARS for healthy orphans, while many special children need homes, families and medical care TODAY. And babies. People only want to adopt babies. Their not even willing to consider an older child. Many think they can't handle it. Many say, wow...I could never do that. Or it's just not a good fit for our family. We are in our second special needs adoption, and by the way these aren't minor special needs either, and it still makes me angry. I have to choose to show compassion instead of anger. That's what my Jesus did.
I too just prayed for you to direct that anger into actions. Let it pour forth from your soul as compassion and change. It's a difficult place to be, and it's very lonely, but it's obviously right where you are supposed to be. I love that you question why it's taken 30 years to know of the crisis in the world. My husband and I said that OVER and OVER...HOW/WHY have we never known?? We both grew up in church, and no one ever said ANYTHING! We were hurt for a while over that. But we have come to see that in God's infinite wisdom and intentions, our eyes were opened in His perfect timing and in His perfect will. Ugh, I hope you don't find anything I've said offensive. I really wanted to encourage you that others have been there and are still there. You ar not alone. We'll be following your journey!

Hyacynth said...


I read both this post and the one from today. I'm glad you're feeling at peace. Righteous anger is not a "bad" thing. When we are angry about children not being cared for and widows not being cared for, it's righteous. God uses this anger to spur us on to doing His work. If you feel led by the Spirit to do this, and if He's asking you to ask others for money to further what He's asked you to do, then you are doing exactly what you should be doing. And it will probably cause people to flinch. And it may not be popular. But He said we would have struggles, and following Him wouldn't be popular. Keep going though. Fight the good fight. And finish the race strong. His acknowledgement of saying, well done good and faithful servant, is worth it. I know you know this. Just reiterating, encouraging you.

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