.Bittersweet Surrender.

“I have tried to keep things in my hands and lost them all, but what I have given into God’s hands I still possess.” Martin Luther.

I did something this past week that just a few short years ago I could have never envisioned myself doing. I emptied my house of everything and sent about 90% of it off to be sold. Our house closes any moment, Lord willing.This is a huge step in the journey of moving our family over to Ethiopia to be part of building the Kingdom by investing our lives in the lives of street kids. This was the one step that I was most apprehensive about, because I knew that it would hurt. It was a battle this past week - a battle in my heart, soul, and mind, as I fingered many of my possessions for the last time and the memories bathed me in bitter-sweetness. I wrestled with God some moments. I wondered why He had chosen us for this journey. He calls each of us to something different, and I begrudgingly at times wondered why He chose me for this. He knows me. Sentimental me - the one who saves everything that a memory is attached to, the one who tears up over a scribbled note or walking into my candle-lit home seeing my four children snuggled together on the couch. The one who clings to traditions and spent hours cooking and baking in my kitchen and years making my home a safe haven for my family. The one who found her identity for so long in being a homemaker and a mommy in that house. I understand better now why the rich young ruler walked away sorrowful. (Mark 10:17-31) God knows that about me. He knew that this sacrifice would be personal and hard. The very best sacrifices are. God's ultimate sacrifice was so personal - He gave up His Son.

 I am certain of this call on our life. I know that God wants our family in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, and I can confidently look back over my life and see how He has been nudging us in this direction for years. But to say that the journey is an easy task is a lie, or to say that the enemy doesn't try to deceive us and make us doubt these choices is a lie as well. We could have done things differently. We could have secured a safety net and a back-up plan by storing our belongings in case things don't work out in Ethiopia, but when Jesus asked us to follow Him, to invest in the Kingdom, He didn't ask us to hold back "just in case". He asked for it all. It is imperative that if we choose to live this life that He has asked of us that we live it with abandon - holding nothing back. If we say that we are willing to forsake everything for Jesus, then we actually have to live that way. Following Jesus must have a practical outworking, and this is ours. To some it will look foolish. To some it will look brave. To some it will look radical. But our eyes are straining to focus only on Jesus and what it looks like to Him. I pray that it looks like surrender.

This week as I went through years worth of material goods, I realized what bondage I have been in because of these possessions. Now, again, this is very personal, this is my heart issue that God had to weed out of me, and He works with each of us individually. Your journey and call may look very, very differently than mine. But for me, my possessions had imprisoned me. My stuff had held me captive. I realized that I was firmly planted in a place on this earth and unwilling to follow Jesus to the ends of the earth because I was holding onto my material property. It kept me rooted and stuck. For so long I have been deceived into worshiping at the alter of materialism. My house, my things, my money were more security to me than my Jesus.With the impending sale of our house, with getting out of a monthly mortgage, and the selling of the majority of our belongings, there is less that holds me captive in one spot. For the first time in my life, I feel free. I realized just how much of my heart and my treasures were captivated by things - they had taken over the place in my heart that should have been reserved only for my God.

It really wasn't the stuff that was the real problem,but it truly was the position that it occupied in my heart. I have never been wealthy, and to some my possessions were small, but I learned that I didn't have to be rich with a mansion of belongings to have made them my idol. However, through this painful process, I have learned that I possess something far greater than any of the possessions that I was clinging to - I possess the Kingdom. When the man in Matthew finds the treasure of the Kingdom, he RUNS in JOY in order to sell everything that he owns to buy the field where the treasure - the Kingdom- is buried. (Matthew 14:44-46) I have a relationship with Jesus and the greatness of knowing Him and being identified with Him and adopted by my Daddy in heaven. I have an eternal inheritance that continues to build in heaven as I build into the Kingdom - treasures that this world cannot destroy, that will never lose value or disappear. My citizenship is in heaven and isn't found in a country or a house. I am secure. I am safe. And neither of those has anything to do with where I live or what I own here on earth.

Everything I have and everything I am is all His  - all He asks is that we give our lives away for the sake of the Kingdom. That we surrender that which has captivated our attention. It's bittersweet surrender -  surrender that is personal, painful, and costly. But a bittersweet surrender that pales in comparison to what waits for us in eternity.

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"The cost of the Kingdom is everything, but in comparison to the treasure we receive in return, all that we have in this life is worthless and empty." -Keith Gieles

.Craving Simplicity.

 We've started selling our possessions. It is a very strange thing to walk through my home, with a camera, and try to put a price tag on the items that have helped make our house a home. I am able to detach for the most part, because I am passionate about moving on, but I will not lie and say that it has all been easy. I have gotten a burning lump in my throat on a few occasions when the memory that is attached to those items are especially powerful. But I am attempting to be intentional on focusing on the memory, and the fact that I am not selling those. I remember when Habi first came home last year, and we would drive past some of the huge estates in the middle of our town. He was so confused by these massive houses with multiple vehicles outside, and on more than one instance I can remember him saying, don't those people know that they cannot take their house, their cars, or their stuff with them when they die? What are they doing with all of that? That has stuck with me, and he is so right. None of this lasts, and it just makes life more complicated.

I don't like the hold that stuff has on me.

I am tired and worn out from feeling like I need so much. Somewhere along the way I started believing that my possessions somehow defined me and made my life more meaningful. It sounds ridiculous as I reread that sentence, but it is sadly true of me. I've fallen for those lies so hard, and I really am ready for a different way of life. I don't think that I am the only one who craves simplicity. I have been craving it for years now. I probably sound like a broken record here, and I am just adding to all of the other "noise" out there. I crave quiet and open spaces and less. We live in such a unique culture and period of time, and while so many of the things we live with are promised to bring "ease" to our life, I fear they just clutter our life more than anything. Sometimes I feel as if I am on information overload with the dizzying array of choices and information and knowledge at our fingertips. While many times it can be good and convenient, many other times it is just too much and leaves me feeling overwhelmed and empty. I crave stillness.

I feel like there is just so much unnecessary, and it is taking over the necessary.

I think that one reason I was so utterly drawn to Ethiopia was the slowness and simplicity. Sure, Addis is a big city, and it does, in a way, have the typical hustle and bustle and energy of a city, yet it is different. Simplicity is easier to grasp. The pace is different. Relationships are different. Technology is different. And the stuff is just less, and doesn't seem to matter as much. That's appealing. I understand that I haven't really lived it yet, and I am guessing that even there in Africa, there will be a tendency to fill up the empty spaces too much. But I'm really looking forward to starting over again, and trying not to.

I want to live a life of abandon - sold out for the King and the Kingdom, but I have found that really difficult to do while I am surrounded by my possessions, which actually have played more of a role of idol in my life. As I pack and sell and purge and think through what really is necessary, I am finding more and more idols, because, honestly, this stuff has played too important of a role in my life. My heart is grieved to realize that I have allowed kitchen accessories, clothing, home decor, and other possessions to become a god to me. I want to fix my heart and my eyes on things that last, not things that gather dust.

Life just seems far too cluttered and with the clutter brings stress and complications, and it is just so antithetical to Jesus. I just want simply Jesus, or at least I want to want simply Jesus. I want to redeem my time and life back from the clutches of stuff and invest that time in Jesus and His Kingdom.

I'm just trying to figure out how - one possession at a time.

.Day #2 of 7.

It was the choices. The bright colors. The cleverly marked containers. The dizzying overwhelming display of laundry soap, followed by cereal boxes, followed by tea bags, followed by loaf after loaf of a variety of bread, followed by granola bars. It was seemingly endless options for everything.

That is what undid me last winter. I had just returned home from Africa. I had met my beautiful baby boy, kissed his face, and given my heart away to his country. I then did the unthinkable, and I walked away from it all, boarded a plane and left him behind, an ocean away, for an indefinite period of time. That is not something a mommy should ever be asked or have to do. So maybe it was the emotions from that or from being jet lagged for the first time in my life, but I remember clearly walking up and down the aisle in our Super Walmart with hot tears gushing over my cheeks. My shoulders shook as the choices overwhelmed and choked me. For the first time ever I realized that what I had grown up thinking was so normal was really not normal at all in the country I had just left, and in many other areas of our world. I felt rich and privileged and sick. I felt greedy and selfish. It was as if I had lived the past 31 years ungrateful in this land of plenty. I did not even understand the blessings that had surrounded me my entire life. They were just normal to me - perhaps even a right that I deserved.

This came to mind today, as I went through my 7 food choices, paired down from the excessive choices that typically beckon me in any given day. Jen's book is not so much a rule book for how to rid your life of excess or how to learn a certain lesson from the Holy Spirit. It is way more open ended than that. Even the guidelines for each of the seven months are left to the interpretation of the one doing the experiment. (I just happen to have a lot of type A personality inside of me, and I wanted to follow what she did. I kind of enjoy following rules. However, I have heard of other people doing the same experiment in a very different way.) Jen didn't box the Holy Spirit in with her experiment or have an agenda for what He would teach her, and I am trying very hard not to either. So this is pretty simple this month - reduce my eating to 7 foods and just be still in order to see how the Holy Spirit uses that.

I didn't really expect much today, but that above grocery store scenario flashed back into my mind (in the midst of my grumbling and complaining over my coffee - yes, the headaches are still here). I have grown up so privileged. I do live in the land of plenty. And I do not want to be blind to the fact that this is not really normal. This excess surrounding me, the choices I get to make everyday have dulled something inside of me. Maybe, just maybe, by cutting back to these 7 foods and eliminating the endless choices that I have become so accustomed to, my eyes will be opened a bit more to whatever it is that the Spirit is trying to press on me today. I pray that is the case. I want Jesus to be enough for me. I do not want this excess in my life to be what satisfies, because Jesus is the only One who could ever really satisfy. Sometimes it is just hard to remember that in the midst of the flashy excess, the deceiving choices - the JUNK. So this month I am taking something as simple as food and stripping it all away, and seeing where that leaves me in 30 days.

I pray that it pushes me face down to the feet of Jesus, who is more than enough for me.



The beautiful sandwich Jim made for me tonight (grilled chicken with slices of avocado smothered in avocado/yogurt on whole wheat bread) with baked sweet potato fries. I mean really, what do I have to complain about? This was delicious.

.Day #1 of 7.

Three things that stand out to me from day #1:

1. I wish, wish, wish, that I had a close-knit group of six girlfriends to be my "council" like Jen had, or to even do something crazy like this with me. Because my council of one - my hubby - is STRICT.
2. This is not going to be easy.
3. Coffee + me = perfection.

I just may dream about coffee tonight. I knew the food month for 7 would be one of the hardest for me, but...wow. And the thing is, as of yet anyway, it is not the limited food that has me gnashing my teeth. It's the no coffee. I cannot even remember the last time I went an entire day without it. It has not been pretty. My coffee press glares at me from the counter top and the four bags of Just Love Ethiopia Harrar beans (THAT WERE JUST DELIVERED TO OUR DOOR STEP!) are mocking me.

I just want a sip!

Pathetic. So, so pathetic. I am embarrassed to admit that my head is pounding, and I have even had on and off again shakes today with nausea. This morning at breakfast Jim and I needed something upstairs. We both looked at each other and grimaced. I finally said that I would go up and get it, and Jim muttered good, because I could not even fathom climbing up the stairs.

Yes folks it is just that bad!

I have learned something else today as well. The fruit of the Spirit like love, kindness, and mercy, well, they kind of fly out of the window when I do not have coffee surging through my veins. {blush} I was something of a mama bear today.

The spiritualness of day number one is a bit fuzzy. I was more focused on the mechanics - on what was (let's face it - wasn't) allowed. I am sure God has so much to teach me, and is teaching me something right this moment, but I am not seeing it clearly yet. He needs to keep stripping me away. And He will. Oh, He will this month. I am sure of it.

So our list changed a bit. Jim vetoed any flavor of Chobani yogurt, and insisted on plain. He is now regretting it after trying a spoonful at lunch. I laughed. Hard. But I hate it, too. I love yogurt. I just do not love plain (sour) yogurt. However, tonight I made it palatable by mixing peanut butter and yogurt together and dipping my apple slices in it. It worked for a dessert.

Here are our "7" groceries (somehow I missed the yogurt, though.). After I took this photo, I talked myself into making homemade bread. I asked Jim to buy bread because I was feeling too lazy to make it yesterday morning. But then I figured since we were eating no other chemicals this month, why eat it in the store bought bread.

This is how I mixed and matched my seven foods for today:
Breakfast: 2 slices of whole wheat toast with peanut butter
Lunch: 2 slices of whole wheat bread with a  mashed avocado/yogurt spread and 1/2 an apple
Dinner: Roasted Chicken and a sweet potato with an apple dipped in pb/yogurt for dessert
I will probably eat another apple before bed.

My head is truly pounding and my thinking is fuzzy, but I am welcoming this uncomfortableness. Maybe it will be what allows the Holy Spirit to really move and for me to notice. That seems to happen in my life - when my comfort, convenience, and normal are stripped away. And they were stripped away today. So I sit here waiting for whatever it is that God is orchestrating to happen in my life.

As Jen said so perfectly, Jesus may there be less of me and my junk and more of You and Your kingdom. I will reduce so He can increase.

I am doing this fast for a reason. Even if it hurts. Even if it means losing my beloved coffee for 31 days and eating plain (sour) yogurt.

(If you are really confused by what I am doing, check out my little explanation from yesterday or better yet read this written by the author of 7.)