I awoke feeling a little cynical, a little grumpy, and just not wanting to do this. I was feeling sorry for myself, my family, for Cadi. I wish that I did not know what ITP was, or how many platelets Cadi has. I was angry that we have to keep such careful watch over Cadi and how it is starting to make her nervous. I don't want to check her gums any longer, only to find them bleeding. I wish Cadi did not have a Hematologist, and that we did not have direct access to her via a phone number plastered to the fridge.
I wish that every fall, every bump, every bruise was not cause for major concern. If only I had never heard of petechia or knew what it meant. I hate that I have a notebook documenting this journey, and how many hours I have used surfing forums for help for Cadi. I hate the fear that strangles me, mocks me, and makes it so difficult to take my thoughts captive.
The thoughts all swirled in my head before I even got out from under my warm quilt this morning.
Then it hit me. Tiffany, the only reason that this has not ever been a part of your life until now is grace.
Any carefree, wonderful healthy days, years, moments that I have had with my family are grace - they are all undeserved. They are a gift. This trial, this small little hiccup, is merely pointing me back to His grace that blankets every part of my life.
Even this - all of this - the ugly parts that pierce my Mommy heart are grace. It could always be worse. God's grace and goodness are still here, still surrounding me, my family, my home. I just have to open my eyes a little wider.
I have been looking at the Bible to see what God says about trials, and I am learning that my faith can only be proven genuine when tested with trials and grief.
1 Peter 1:6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith — of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire — may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
The time that I need my faith to be most real, most genuine is when I am undergoing trials. Faith during trials leads to spiritual maturity.
James 1:2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
I am going to consider this joy, and see the grace God is giving me in allowing my faith to grow through this trial. That does not mean that this doesn't hurt, that I am not scared, that I do not cry or question. It simply means I cling to God, trust His plan, and open my eyes to His goodness - even here - even now.