.What to Consider Before Saying "Yes" to Bringing an Older Child Home.

[This is a repost from last fall, but I thought it was worth sharing again. The story of the teenage boy in Florida, Davion, who had been in foster care most of his life and went to a church pleading for a family, really hit me hard. It tugged at a lot of people, and went viral. Our family is really passionate about children without families, but especially teenage boys. It is part of why Mercy Branch Inc. exists. There are so many teenagers in our country's foster system that need people to step up and love them. There are so many stories just like Davion's around our world. I think people are starting to notice the older kids, and that make me so excited. Here are a few things that helped our family immensely when we decided to bring a teenager into our existing family.]


There was so much behind the scenes that went on in the year and a half before we brought our Habi home. To some looking in from the outside, it may have seemed like we made a rash decision, but I can assure you that we seriously counted the cost before saying "yes".  I encourage any family considering adoption, especially bringing an older child home, to carefully count the cost ahead of time.

There are many reasons that a family may choose to grow their family differently than through the typical way of birth. Jim and I are unashamedly followers of Jesus, we have trusted Him with our life. His love for us, and His gospel, impacts every area of our life - including this one of family planning. The Gospel reveals to us how broken, abandoned and orphaned we were prior to God adopting us as His children. This beautiful picture of redemption has penetrated our hearts in such a way that we desire to bring that picture tangibly right into our living room, our heart, home, and family. We don't adopt or bring children into our family from hard places because we are super spiritual, or because we are looking for a pat on the back, or because we are expecting anything in return from these children.

We have adopted because we were adopted, and we want to imitate, in a minuscule way, what God did for us when He adopted us into His family. We believe that in adopting children, it is not our family who is glorified, but rather through our weaknesses and struggles, in bringing children from hard places right into the heart of our family, God is lifted up and His glory is manifested in a very unique and powerful way through us. While we believe that God works in the heart and the life of the lonely when He sets them into a family (Ps. 68:6), we truly believe that He also works in the heart and life of the entire family in order that He might break us, change us and give us glimpses into the depths of the heart of our Daddy in heaven and the redemptive work His Son did for us on the cross.

Bringing children from hard places into our family is beautiful and worth it, but it is not romantic, it is not a fairy-tale, it is not promised to go smoothly, or even to work out perfectly in the end. When we are a follower of Jesus, and our hearts and motives are in-line with His, it is kingdom work. And kingdom work is always, always hard. We are promised hard (John 16:33). This kingdom work of living out the Gospel tangibly, of making redemption visible in one's home, of raising children - especially those precious ones who come to us with deep trauma and wounds, is hard stuff. It is something that needs to be understood and considered before ever saying "yes" to that child. Here are some things one may consider before saying "yes" to an older child:

• Disrupting Birth Order: Will bringing home this child disrupt the established birth order in your home? Adopting out of birth order is a hot topic, and it is an area that many social workers disagree upon. While we did not end up adopting Habi internationally, but rather brought him home on a student visa, we prepared exactly as we would have for an adoption. This meant talking things over with our social worker, whom we trust and respect very much. She knew our family well, because of our previous adoption, and she felt comfortable in our bringing Habi into our family unit. The majority of thought and prayer needs to be placed upon the child who will be getting disrupted. In our family that was our six year old daughter. As parents, you know your child best, but it is wise to research other families who have successfully broken birth order and gather wisdom from their experience. Not every child will be able to handle being displaced in the family. Perhaps the child will never be able to deal with it, or perhaps the timing may have to wait a few years and be revisited again. Jim and I sat down with our oldest daughter several times in this process, and we talked through what our family might look like when she was no longer the oldest child. We acknowledged her fears, and we prayed over and targeted potential pitfalls. We are being purposeful in looking at each of our children as individuals and making them each feel special and unique, no matter where they land in our family. Because it matters to Cadi, we now have the oldest boy and the oldest girl in our family, and although we have worked through a few bumps in the past three months, Cadi is sliding into her new spot in the family so graciously. We will continue to keep communication open with her and encourage her in her role as both the big and little sister now.
• Think Through Serious Situations: Many times, especially true with international adoption, there is very little information given about a child's background. Because of this many unexpected and serious situations can arise when an older child is brought home that can put that child and other members of your family in danger. This is nothing to fear, but it is something to very seriously and prayerfully think over and prepare for. Many children from hard places have sadly experienced sexual abuse, sexual promiscuity, and horrific physical abuse and violence. These precious children may come with very deep, emotional wounds. This absolutely cannot be ignored, and safeguards must be put into place to protect that older child and any other children that may already be in the home. Parents need to honestly discuss this possibility with each other and with wise authorities - whether it be social workers, counselors, pastors, etc. I do not believe a family can be over-prepared in this area. If you are looking for specific ways in which we safe-guarded our home and in the established plan we set in place, I will be happy to go into more detail privately in an email.
• Expect Nothing in Return: Jim and I believe this should be true in every adoption - not just older child adoption. We did not adopt (or birth for that matter) children because of what they could give us or for them to fulfill a need that we have. Only Jesus can fulfill us, and it is not fair to put that kind of expectation on any human - especially a child. We brought Jamesy and Habi home with as little to no expectations as we humanly could. Our children owe us nothing - our children through adoption nor our home -grown children either. We did not adopt them to receive their thankfulness or gratefulness in return for adopting them. Even if Jamesy and Habi never learned to trust us, never returned our love, never attached or bonded with us, and lived ungratefully within our family, it is still what God asked of us. It is still right and His plan. Of course we desire for our children to be respectful, loving, and kind, and yes, even appreciative of the grace God has given all of us, but we will love our children no matter what. This is not about us or what we can gain from these children. In parenting, especially children that come from trauma, our feelings have to be tucked away sometimes, because it is not about how we feel. We will never force gratitude upon our children. We will model it, but honestly it is Jesus Who deserves all of the gratitude anyway.
• Prepare Ahead of Time: Older children who have been without a family for many years may not know how to live inside of a family. Even if the child is a teenager, he or she, may have no idea what a family functions like. He or she may have no real understanding of what role a Dad and Mom plays. Some children may have difficulty jumping right into a family and parental authority. Plan for this, prepare for this, and establish an idea for how you will work through this in your family before the child comes home. It is vital to carefully think through how your family can be intentional about modeling family. There will be a lot of teaching about what is expected in a family that needs to occur. Along with that are cultural issues to consider and educate oneself about - even ones as simple as teaching the child to ride in a vehicle with a seat belt on, there are also potential language barriers to work through. It can be helpful to purchase a small dictionary in your child's birth language or find a mentor to help with communication, especially in the first few months at home.
• Commit to the Marathon: Parenting is never a 50 yard dash, but one should especially look at it as a long-term marathon when parenting an older child, that has been added into your family. It will take patience, stamina, and more grace than you can even imagine ahead of time (but that will  be offered to you when you most need it). Consider all of the time and energy that will need to go into bringing a child home - especially if you have only parented younger children up to this point. Older children come with more intense schedules and in general busier lives. Is this something that your family is ready for? Talk to people who know your family well, encourage them to pray with you and ask them to honestly evaluate how ready your family is to undertake an older child. Remember that it may take years for a family unity to develop - years of blood, sweat, and tears. It may happen quickly, as each child and family is unique, but it is best to prepare for the long road. Support in this marathon is absolutely vital. Find some friends who are in the same journey and pray for each other as you encourage one another to persevere in the day-to-day. Be open with your family and friends who are not on the inside of the same marathon, let them be part of it, invite a village to surround you, and if possible do that before your child comes home.

Don't be fearful of the older children. If you are being called to adoption, I invite you to prayerfully consider the older children. It is not right for everyone, just like adoption in general is not right for everyone. It is not something to be walked into lightly, as it changes everything. Each family has been uniquely gifted to work in God's kingdom. I simply invite you to explore whether or not your family has been equipped for an older child, and then I advise you to count the cost ahead of time, prepare, educate, and consider what it means for your family if you do say "yes". In everything we need to keep our perspective vertical and always go to our Source. God is the author of families. Let Him alone author yours. He will never lead you wrong.

When you say "yes" to an older child, you invite intensity into your home. There is no way around that. You invite the need for Jesus like you have never needed Him before. Jesus is the only Healer of hearts, and He must be present in our homes. Though His healing may take time, and though the process may be painful and hard, we do not believe that the struggle is the finish line. We believe that God promises the victory, but we believe that He uses the struggle along the way and that healing does indeed come in the morning. Praying to this end in our family and in yours. Because His grace really is enough, and He is good.

.My Everything.

DISCLAIMER: I am not sure if this is the kind of thing that one should hit the publish button on ....or even write, but here it goes anyway. This, after all, is my safe space. I have been wrestling with this for a long time. I am so, so human, and sometimes this call on our life feels too big. Sometimes I just wish that I could blend in again and be that wallflower that I once was. I am praying that as you read this, you do not read self-righteousness into my words, but rather the wrestling of a human girl's heart. I don't have it all together. I may not even be doing this following Jesus thing right, but I want to. I have to try.

Once upon a time she was a high school student with a crush on a cute, freckle-faced high school boy. It was first love. First dates. First kisses. She lost her heart and he lost his, and they were the perfect, adorable couple. They complemented one another - his strengths band-aided her weaknesses and his weaknesses were masked by her strengths. They went to Bible college together, and talked of serving Jesus. They walked around the pristine housing developments in the area and held hands dreaming of their white picketed fence future, of their blond hair blue-eyed babies, of their vehicles, of vacations and dreams and security.

The best was yet to be.

The wedding day was all they dreamed and marriage was good and young and sweet. Camp ministry called them back home, and they were happy to be near family and to begin building their dream. They wrote out a ten year plan and worked toward buying a house and adding those blond hair blue-eyed babies. Life was good, predictable, safe, and easy. A house, two well-behaved children, a dog. Everything was so tidy. So picture perfect. Money was good, and spending it was fun. New clothes, shoes, bags, sports memorabilia and sports games, and plus they served Jesus at camp.

And then God whispered to them to leave camp, and for a bit the dreams crumbled and confusion set in. But a pastorate was next, and all seemed to settle. Pride set in and they patted themselves on the back for taking such a giant leap of faith, and they thought that surely they had sacrificed and surrendered to a life of following Jesus. And then God pointed to Ethiopia and a special needs son. A son who may never be able to leave home or live alone, and things got more complicated. And the dream began to shatter beyond recognition. And money looked different. Following Jesus looked different. Ethiopia changed them. It changed them so much that the house and vehicles and clothing and shoes choked them, when they realized the idols that they had all become. The book of Luke began to mock them as they realized how twisted they had made discipleship out to be, and how they had swallowed the lies about easily and comfortably following Jesus.

They came home from Ethiopia, shell shocked, with a very needy tiny son. They came home with eyes wide open, and they came home different. They couldn't mask the new people they were becoming, and they struggled to live in the excess. They could no longer pretend to be the people they once were, and it cost them. It cost them relationships. It cost them reputation and image. It cost them carefree-ness and ease and comfort. It cost them date-nights and freedom and a normal life.

And then He pointed them to a street boy, and surely that would be as much as He required of that now bone-weary, depleted couple. It was an impossible chance that he could ever come home, but God excels in the impossible. The same couple who had so many dreams, and who used to whisper into the night about cruises and beautiful homes were entirely different people. And before they knew it they were knee-deep into parenting four children, one with severe special needs, two who had been displaced, and one who as a teenager had no idea how to live inside of a family. Nights were long, sleep seldom came, and the four walls of their home held so much knowledge of trauma, fears, healing and redemption. The couple desired to follow Jesus, but in their exhaustion they also desired a village to hold up their arms. Yet they found too few. Their family was stretched so thin and so lonely. The once, young, starry eyed couple fell into bed each night older than the night before, and the sweet whispers that once entangled them both became silence and tears and exhausted prayers. They were counting the cost, and realizing all they had given up and away to follow Jesus, and all that was still required.

And that's the thing, following Jesus is costly - He asks for everything.

But they thought they had given everything. They were grasping for some security and comfort and solidarity. So they put their house up for sale, the one they had painted and carpeted and dreamed of growing old together in. They stomped the dream out, and decided to start over in a new city, with new people, and new friends. A city who didn't know how strange they were. A city where maybe going out together as a family would not make them a spectacle. And they would plant a church - a church that they had been dreaming of - where apathy was non-existent, where people were passionate followers of Jesus, where worship was free and prayer was authentic, where relationships were the heartbeat, and where messiness and transparency was embraced. But it didn't work. Security got ripped away when a promised job was taken back. And the house didn't sell. Depression was real, and the couple stopped dreaming and just tried surviving. Only they were trying to survive by controlling everything - only everything was swirling out of control.

And then he whispered, this is not the plan, it is Ethiopia.

She screamed and cried, and she begged God to leave her family alone to look to another family. I just want that house with the white picket fence, and nice kids, and a husband with a secure job, and the Sunday morning church attendance kind of faith - the kind that requires little but nice clothes, a smiling face, and a few hours of my time once a week. I just want to be normal again. I don't want to look in the mirror and see eyes that were once so vibrant sag and dull with lack of sleep and trying to figure out how to be a mom of a teenage boy. I was supposed to have years before I had to ease into the teen years. I don't want people staring at us in public anymore, trying to figure out where we got our kids from and what exactly is wrong with the drooling, wiggly-eyed, non-verbal one. I wish that I didn't know what I now know, and that my heart didn't break for the injustice that I saw. I wish that I could go on pretending that a Christian American dream is enough.

And then He whispered  But I gave everything for you. Isn't that enough? Ethiopia is where I want you. It's where I have always wanted you from the beginning of time, when I created you. I was grooming you, refining you, breaking you down until their was nothing left to cling to. I  will be your comfort. I will be your safety. I will be your solidarity. I will be your confidant, your peace, your guidance.

I will be your everything, and your everything is exactly what I require from you. 

.What to Consider Before Saying "Yes" to Bringing an Older Child Home.

There was so much behind the scenes that went on in the year and a half before we brought our Habi home. To some looking in from the outside, it may have seemed like we made a rash decision, but I can assure you that we seriously counted the cost before saying "yes".  I encourage any family considering adoption, especially bringing an older child home, to carefully count the cost ahead of time.

There are many reasons that a family may choose to grow their family differently than through the typical way of birth. Jim and I are unashamedly followers of Jesus, we have trusted Him with our life. His love for us, and His gospel, impacts every area of our life - including this one of family planning. The Gospel reveals to us how broken, abandoned and orphaned we were prior to God adopting us as His children. This beautiful picture of redemption has penetrated our hearts in such a way that we desire to bring that picture tangibly right into our living room, our heart, home, and family. We don't adopt or bring children into our family from hard places because we are super spiritual, or because we are looking for a pat on the back, or because we are expecting anything in return from these children.

We have adopted because we were adopted, and we want to imitate, in a minuscule way, what God did for us when He adopted us into His family. We believe that in adopting children, it is not our family who is glorified, but rather through our weaknesses and struggles, in bringing children from hard places right into the heart of our family, God is lifted up and His glory is manifested in a very unique and powerful way through us. While we believe that God works in the heart and the life of the lonely when He sets them into a family (Ps. 68:6), we truly believe that He also works in the heart and life of the entire family in order that He might break us, change us and give us glimpses into the depths of the heart of our Daddy in heaven and the redemptive work His Son did for us on the cross.

Bringing children from hard places into our family is beautiful and worth it, but it is not romantic, it is not a fairy-tale, it is not promised to go smoothly, or even to work out perfectly in the end. When we are a follower of Jesus, and our hearts and motives are in-line with His, it is kingdom work. And kingdom work is always, always hard. We are promised hard (John 16:33). This kingdom work of living out the Gospel tangibly, of making redemption visible in one's home, of raising children - especially those precious ones who come to us with deep trauma and wounds, is hard stuff. It is something that needs to be understood and considered before ever saying "yes" to that child. Here are some things one may consider before saying "yes" to an older child:

• Disrupting Birth Order: Will bringing home this child disrupt the established birth order in your home? Adopting out of birth order is a hot topic, and it is an area that many social workers disagree upon. While we did not end up adopting Habi internationally, but rather brought him home on a student visa, we prepared exactly as we would have for an adoption. This meant talking things over with our social worker, whom we trust and respect very much. She knew our family well, because of our previous adoption, and she felt comfortable in our bringing Habi into our family unit. The majority of thought and prayer needs to be placed upon the child who will be getting disrupted. In our family that was our six year old daughter. As parents, you know your child best, but it is wise to research other families who have successfully broken birth order and gather wisdom from their experience. Not every child will be able to handle being displaced in the family. Perhaps the child will never be able to deal with it, or perhaps the timing may have to wait a few years and be revisited again. Jim and I sat down with our oldest daughter several times in this process, and we talked through what our family might look like when she was no longer the oldest child. We acknowledged her fears, and we prayed over and targeted potential pitfalls. We are being purposeful in looking at each of our children as individuals and making them each feel special and unique, no matter where they land in our family. Because it matters to Cadi, we now have the oldest boy and the oldest girl in our family, and although we have worked through a few bumps in the past three months, Cadi is sliding into her new spot in the family so graciously. We will continue to keep communication open with her and encourage her in her role as both the big and little sister now.
• Think Through Serious Situations: Many times, especially true with international adoption, there is very little information given about a child's background. Because of this many unexpected and serious situations can arise when an older child is brought home that can put that child and other members of your family in danger. This is nothing to fear, but it is something to very seriously and prayerfully think over and prepare for. Many children from hard places have sadly experienced sexual abuse, sexual promiscuity, and horrific physical abuse and violence. These precious children may come with very deep, emotional wounds. This absolutely cannot be ignored, and safeguards must be put into place to protect that older child and any other children that may already be in the home. Parents need to honestly discuss this possibility with each other and with wise authorities - whether it be social workers, counselors, pastors, etc. I do not believe a family can be over-prepared in this area. If you are looking for specific ways in which we safe-guarded our home and in the established plan we set in place, I will be happy to go into more detail privately in an email.
• Expect Nothing in Return: Jim and I believe this should be true in every adoption - not just older child adoption. We did not adopt (or birth for that matter) children because of what they could give us or for them to fulfill a need that we have. Only Jesus can fulfill us, and it is not fair to put that kind of expectation on any human - especially a child. We brought Jamesy and Habi home with as little to no expectations as we humanly could. Our children owe us nothing - our children through adoption nor our home -grown children either. We did not adopt them to receive their thankfulness or gratefulness in return for adopting them. Even if Jamesy and Habi never learned to trust us, never returned our love, never attached or bonded with us, and lived ungratefully within our family, it is still what God asked of us. It is still right and His plan. Of course we desire for our children to be respectful, loving, and kind, and yes, even appreciative of the grace God has given all of us, but we will love our children no matter what. This is not about us or what we can gain from these children. In parenting, especially children that come from trauma, our feelings have to be tucked away sometimes, because it is not about how we feel. We will never force gratitude upon our children. We will model it, but honestly it is Jesus Who deserves all of the gratitude anyway.
• Prepare Ahead of Time: Older children who have been without a family for many years may not know how to live inside of a family. Even if the child is a teenager, he or she, may have no idea what a family functions like. He or she may have no real understanding of what role a Dad and Mom plays. Some children may have difficulty jumping right into a family and parental authority. Plan for this, prepare for this, and establish an idea for how you will work through this in your family before the child comes home. It is vital to carefully think through how your family can be intentional about modeling family. There will be a lot of teaching about what is expected in a family that needs to occur. Along with that are cultural issues to consider and educate oneself about - even ones as simple as teaching the child to ride in a vehicle with a seat belt on, there are also potential language barriers to work through. It can be helpful to purchase a small dictionary in your child's birth language or find a mentor to help with communication, especially in the first few months at home.
• Commit to the Marathon: Parenting is never a 50 yard dash, but one should especially look at it as a long-term marathon when parenting an older child, that has been added into your family. It will take patience, stamina, and more grace than you can even imagine ahead of time (but that will  be offered to you when you most need it). Consider all of the time and energy that will need to go into bringing a child home - especially if you have only parented younger children up to this point. Older children come with more intense schedules and in general busier lives. Is this something that your family is ready for? Talk to people who know your family well, encourage them to pray with you and ask them to honestly evaluate how ready your family is to undertake an older child. Remember that it may take years for a family unity to develop - years of blood, sweat, and tears. It may happen quickly, as each child and family is unique, but it is best to prepare for the long road. Support in this marathon is absolutely vital. Find some friends who are in the same journey and pray for each other as you encourage one another to persevere in the day-to-day. Be open with your family and friends who are not on the inside of the same marathon, let them be part of it, invite a village to surround you, and if possible do that before your child comes home.

Don't be fearful of the older children. If you are being called to adoption, I invite you to prayerfully consider the older children. It is not right for everyone, just like adoption in general is not right for everyone. It is not something to be walked into lightly, as it changes everything. Each family has been uniquely gifted to work in God's kingdom. I simply invite you to explore whether or not your family has been equipped for an older child, and then I advise you to count the cost ahead of time, prepare, educate, and consider what it means for your family if you do say "yes". In everything we need to keep our perspective vertical and always go to our Source. God is the author of families. Let Him alone author yours. He will never lead you wrong.

When you say "yes" to an older child, you invite intensity into your home. There is no way around that. You invite the need for Jesus like you have never needed Him before. Jesus is the only Healer of hearts, and He must be present in our homes. Though His healing may take time, and though the process may be painful and hard, we do not believe that the struggle is the finish line. We believe that God promises the victory, but we believe that He uses the struggle along the way and that healing does indeed come in the morning. Praying to this end in our family and in yours. Because His grace really is enough, and He is good.