Blogging tips

Thursday, June 7, 2012

.I'm Scared.

I have been putting off writing this post. I think I was hoping that the feelings would fade or change, but they haven't. I leave for Ethiopia in three weeks, for my first ever third world country mission trip, and I'm scared. It's kind of funny, I have been to Ethiopia twice, and I fell in love with the country, the culture, and even more - the people. I truly love Ethiopia, and I am beyond excited to go back to a place that feels oddly very much like home.

But mingled in with that excitement is very real, very big, ugly fear.

I have never hidden the fact here that I am a big, fat, fraidy cat. I have mentioned it over and over. Fear is one of the biggest sin issues in my life. It crippled my walk with Jesus Christ for most of my life. I battle it daily. There are a lot of reasons why I could be scared to go on a mission trip. I am leaving my three children behind (one of whom has severe special needs and has only ever been left over night once since bringing him into our care), I am flying across the ocean, I am going to be exposed to parasites and diseases and filth, my comfort level will be shattered, I will see things that will haunt me for the rest of my life, my level of comfort in my American Christianity will again, no-doubt, be questioned, I will be sleep-deprived and emotional, etc. etc. But, oddly enough, none of that is what has my heart pounding in fear. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that missions and spreading the gospel is God's will for every single disciple of Jesus. I know that He is asking me to love Him more than my children, and get on that plane, and go to Ethiopia. I know that this stay-at-home-mama needs her routine shaken up a bit in order to be used to advance the kingdom. I am at peace with all of that.

I have been praying over this trip. I have prayed for God to change me, to mold me more into His image, to allow me to be used for His kingdom, and I have even been praying those words that I so earnestly prayed last year before going to Ethiopia the first time. It was easier praying that prayer last year, before I understood the depth of the pain and hurt that comes with God answering that prayer.

God, break my heart for the things that break yours.

But even as I pray those words and prepare my heart, I have been holding onto a little corner of my heart - trying to hide it and keep it safe.

Because I am scared that it may really happen. I am scared that God is going to break my heart all over again. Just when things are settling into a more comfortable rhythm with our family, just when Habi is on the verge of possibly joining our family, could I really go through any of this again? I am scared that God may have another "Jamesy" or "Habtamu" in mind for me on this trip. And as much as I love those two boys with every inch of my heart and would never trade a second of knowing, loving, and fighting for them, I'm not ready to have my heart broken for another person. How can I possibly shed another tear for another fatherless child? I am afraid that my heart cannot take it again. I am not sure if I even want my heart messed up again. I am so sensitive and tenderhearted. I still have nightmares from what I witnessed a year and a half ago on my first trip to Ethiopia. I was not cut out for this kind of stuff. God gave me the gift of empathy, but that gift has morphed into something out of my control these past three years. I am not certain that I want to make myself look like more of a weirdo, or lose friendships over my intensity, empathy, and passion. I'm kind of ready to just fit in again, but I guess even going on this mission trip as a mommy of three littles takes me out of the running of fitting in. That's just not something most responsible mommies in my kind of church do. Teenagers, sure, but mommies?? Somewhere along the way I have turned into someone very abnormal. I am not sure how that happened to this perfectly contented to be, once upon a time, wallflower.

Even as I write this, I am getting more clarity, as I finally put these rambling thoughts into words and they flow from my fingers, I realize that this whole fear thing is wrapped tightly up in self. This has nothing to do with me. My response has been all wrong. What if God had decided that He did not want to "mess up" His own heart? What would my life look like if God had not loved me when I was so unlovable? What if He had said, Enough, I cannot take it anymore. It's too heart breaking, too messy, to love one more person.

I am not a hero. I am not a rescuer. I don't have a "white man burden" or savior complex.  I can never save the world or even just all of the fatherless children. I know that, and it's not my job. I am not even a good Christian or so spiritually mature.

I am just a shy, fearful, cautious, homebody, stay-at-home-mommy, who was shown the deep, deep love of Jesus. And that love is moving my feet - clumsily at times.

And even if it breaks my heart all over again - it's not about me. I don't want to miss out on what really matters in this life. I don't want to miss out on God's best for me in exchange for something really good. Even if I am made an outcast in the mommy circles. Even if it hurts, and is hard, and costs me and changes me in ways that are uncomfortable, and yes, even if God has in mind for me another "Jamesy" or another "Habi", it is the right thing to do. It is right to make my heart vulnerable to whatever and whomever it is that God has me going on this trip to Ethiopia for. Because this is not about me. This is about advancing God's kingdom and bringing glory to God!

So, I am doing it. For now, I am doing it scared.

But I'm doing it.


Anonymous said...

I lіke the valuаble information you provide in
your аrtіcles. I will bookmагk your weblоg
and check agаin here regularly. I'm quite certain I'll
lеaгn many new stuff right hегe! Bеѕt οf luck fοг the next!

Feеl free to visit mу webѕite - payday loans
my website - payday loans

Anonymous said...

Ι гeally like it ωhen іndіviduаls get togethеr and share thoughtѕ.
Grеat ѕite, κeep іt uρ!

Herе іs my ωeb page payday loans

Anonymous said...

Wе saiԁ, you're going to get the necessary permits from the business government. And AMD has done it again. If not, business this was it. Check out our superb infographic that reflects all of the corporate world, the dream of how to capture more market share. Admission is only $10.

my web page; internet marketing california

Anonymous said...

Amazing blog! Ιs youг themе сustom mаdе ог
ԁid уou dоwnloaԁ it from someωheге?
А dеsign liκe yοurѕ ωіth a fеw simplе twеeκѕ wоulԁ гeally makе my blοg jump οut.
Please let me κnow ωheгe you got уour dеsign.
Bleѕs you

Μy web-ѕite - payday loans

Anonymous said...

Its like you read mу mind! You appear to know sο much about
thiѕ, likе you wrоte the book in іt or something.
I thіnk thаt уou cоuld
do with somе picѕ to drive the message home a bіt, but other than thаt, this
іs wonderful blog. А fantastic read. I will certaіnlу
be bаck.

Also visit mу blοg post: Payday Loans

Anonymous said...

Reuniclus's pale-colored inner body is encapsulated within a blob of a translucent, green gel-like substance. Worthwhile as gun control is, America also needs to address violence from the other side of the bed and asked me," Are you bored? She said: Are Black Ops Psp art? One company, Bungie creators of the runaway hit, the Halo series which is fairly violent if you think of it from a parental standpoint blood, zombie-like creatures.

my page - black ops map editor

Anonymous said...

Ridiсulous queѕt there. What happenеd after?
Τake care!

Mу ωebpage :: payday loans

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved