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Tuesday, January 10, 2012

.This Is Real {EDITED}.

{EDIT: Cadi's platelet count is at 40K!!! This is up from 25K last Tuesday. We continue to pray those platelets up. God is good and faithful, even though my flesh fails. Thank you so much for praying and holding our family up.}

This is real.

My flesh is screaming out this stinks.

My heart knows that this is for my own good (Romans 8:28), this is to draw me closer to God, and make me look more like Jesus, but honestly, at the expense of my daughter?! My heart knows that the reason for this happening to Cadi is to bring glory to His name (Romans 11:36). Why did He choose our family? It is humbling and maddening all in one. I have new compassion and empathy for parents with terminally and chronically ill children. While we have only experienced a minute amount of what comes with that with our Cadi, I understand a little bit more now.

My flesh is screaming out I don't want to understand.

Cadi  is with Jim right this moment getting her seventh blood draw in thirty days - we are a month into this I.T.P. diagnosis. Honestly, I was not too concerned when I first heard the diagnosis. I thought for sure Cadi would be an acute case, and that she would be back to normal in a week or two. Most of the time I can function like this is not happening, until I remember to check Cadi's gums and find bleeding, her body and find huge bruises, until I look into Cadi's eyes some moments and see just a tired shell of herself. I am pretty strong until my sister sits beside me and opens the wellspring of grief and fear that I have been trying to stuff down, and the sobs just come sure and strong. But most days I am okay in this.

I'm not sure if I am okay with this today.

 My stomach is churning, and I will pace my kitchen waiting for that phone call that will determine how this next week will go for us. Another wait and see on pins and needles, praying to God that she does not get hurt or sick? Or a week of rejoicing over platelets that are up? Or will this finally be the week where we have to go the awful steroid route?

I am pretty much all over the place.

Of course this morning when I want to mope around and feel sorry for us, I get hit over the head with this verse.

Psalm 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

So this morning instead of waiting for that call in my own strength, perhaps I will wait in God's strength, remembering that HE is my portion.

I will be back, friends, with her count. I am praying for at least 50k. Logically this is unrealistic, she has developed so many awful bruises this week, and has absolutely no color in her face - signs of dropping platelets.

But my Jesus, my Jesus is stronger than any logic.


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