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Thursday, July 7, 2011

.I am That Worst Sinner.

But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of His great patience with even the worst sinners! Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in Him and receive eternal life! I Timothy 1:16

That verse is talking about me. I am that worst sinner. Yes, God is good and gracious and has allowed me to accept His free gift of eternal life, but I have not arrived. I am not anywhere close to arriving actually.

I feel as if I have discovered a whole new side of God and the Jesus of the Bible this past year and a half, and I feel no closer to arriving. My eyes have been opened to many things in the Bible that I had simply glossed over and ignored, but deep in my heart I know I continue to have many, many blind spots. I know I still see through a glass dimly.

My relationship with my Daddy in heaven has deepened and grown, but in doing so I can more clearly see how very far I have yet to go. I yearn for more, for better, for sweeter with Him. And yet I fail time and time again to go to Him, even when His arms are outstretched, waiting, when He is calling I turn my head and go my own way.

Many times I am weary, angry, cynical, self-righteous, fearful, reluctant, filled with doubts, sharp-tongued, prideful, and lazy - especially when it comes to my relationship with God and what He is continually calling me to.

I want to emphasize the fact (that may have come across muddled here before and I sincerely apologize) that just because we adopted does not make us more spiritual or a better Christian. It doesn't take a super Christian to adopt. In our case, it took two broken sinners who merely wanted to replicate the redemption that had been handed to us. But we are not better or more godly because of it. Being a Pastor's wife and having a degree in Bible doesn't make me special either. Jesus doesn't ask super Christians to follow Him. Jesus asked the worst sinners to follow Him.

I am the worst sinner that God had mercy on, and I pray that he uses me - my flaws and imperfections all of the mess that I make of myself - as an example. Because if He can use me, He can certainly use anyone.


If there is anything that even appears good in me - it's nothing of my own - it has and always will be all Jesus.
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