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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

.Amazing Grace (Jim's Story).

(I asked Jim to share how God worked in his heart in our journey. If you haven't already, please read the previous posts first to catch up.)

I remember the moment like it had just passed. I came home from work, with the kids still napping. I turned the key in door, stepped inside, and looked for my wife in that familiar place… when all was quiet… sitting at the computer. I came up behind her… she told me of the waiting child list, and the need for prayer. Then she did something she had done many, many times. She opened a picture of a little Ethiopian boy and said the words, isn’t there something special about this boy?

My response was immediate. I knew.

In my heart, I knew. It wasn’t her… she did not ask me, ever to make him my son. But Someone did.

I was terrified, angry, hurt, and furious with the mere suggestion. How dare You? Haven’t I gone far enough? Have I not given You all of me? Did I not say yes to You, simply by taking this journey?

Now this part will take a bit of Back story. To my shame, I was not the one who said yes first to this journey. In fact, I was resistant. Like most men, this was not my idea. However, God in His divine wisdom, gave me the clarity to know that before the journey began, I could not have any excuses. I could not have an out, like “this was really your thing.” So before I said yes, I begged God to make it all clear that this was His path for my life. And He did, and I knew… that this was our journey, not Tiffany’s path that I was watching her walk down…

Back to the story at hand. I believe my exact words were “No. I don’t want to. Not this.” Funny, because Tiffany never once asked me if I would consider adopting this boy, she simply said, isn’t there something special about this boy?

And there was, and I knew it.

I slunk into my favorite chair, ready to help God understand exactly why this was not okay. Ready to help Him see. We’re supposed to go to Giants games together. I am supposed to teach him how to do a turnaround jumper in the lane. I am supposed to teach him how to play flag football. I… and just as He had done thousands of years ago with the rich young ruler, He whispered the words that cut straight to the heart of the issue.

Just say it, Jim. I am not sufficient. Walk back into your church, tell everyone you know: this is bigger than I can handle. Quit your job; apply at the supermarket to bag groceries, because it is obvious you believe that this is too hard for Me.

It took me hours just to be able to pray for him. How could I pray that God would reveal His family, when I knew He already had, and that his foolish dad just wouldn’t say yes?
It was at this point that I thought, maybe I just don’t know what bilateral blindness is. I called my mother, a PhD research nurse, and my sister, an RN, (just in case my mom didn’t know what she was talking about :)). The diagnosis was everything I had feared-to the greatest extent I had feared it would be… and the question that God whispered to my heart still lingered: am I sufficient?

Just as He had done many other times in my life, God spoke through His Word to my heart… He assured me of His sufficiency:

And we have such trust through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God, who also made us sufficient as ministers of the new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. {2 Corinthians 3:4-6}

If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! {Matthew 7:11}

And on my birthday, we made the call to say, we want Yonas! And I can honestly say, thank you God. I would have never chosen this journey for myself, but You Who know my heart granted me good gifts.




Sarah Allen said...

Your blog is inspiring to me. Thank you for this. I am unable to have my own children, and adoption will be a big part of my life in the future. Thank you.

Sarah Allen
(my creative writing blog)

Unknown said...

That brings tears to my eyes. What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing the joys AND struggles...he is such a special boy and I can't even imagine the ways God is going to use him for HIS kingdom!

Anonymous said...

How precious....hearing how God worked in both of your hearts for this sweet little boy is amazing. God bless you both.

Stephanie said...

Thank you for your honesty in sharing your journey in adoption. I'd love to share this post on "We Are Grafted In" ( It's a Christian adoption website/forum. Please let me know if you would be willing to allow us to repost it. We would be so grateful.

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