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Friday, January 28, 2011

.I Lost my Heart in Ethiopia.


We are home. It is hard to be here. I missed my children so, and am thankful to wrap my arms around them again. But if I am being honest, all I really want is to grab them up and turn right back around for Africa. I don't want to be here. I walked back into my house and felt sick. The prim decor that I have been collecting for years might as well have slapped me in the face. I cannot believe that I ever worried about couches matching or new carpeting, or the colors on my walls.


My stomach turned with the knowing - with what I had seen. I'm panicking now as I realize that this feeling of disgust will fade. Ethiopia will not be so vivid and pungent in my mind, and all this will once again seem normal - even necessary or deserved. Writing that makes me choke back bile. I have been so clueless, so spoiled, so blind. I could plead ignorance before. Although, it is a weak plea. But now, now that I have seen with my own eyes, I truly am responsible to act.


God brought us to Ethiopia for our son - and for so much more. It's the more that I am trying to process. I know my emotions are raw, I am sleep deprived, battling severe stomach issues, and missing my son in an excruciatingly painful way, but this is exactly where God needs me. He brought me here - to complete and utter vulnerability in order to break me in two. I know that it took this journey to Jamesy, traveling to Africa, holding orphans, and seeing poverty for me to truly be changed. I am ashamed that it took all that, but now that I know, now that I have seen, I am ready for however God wants to use me.


I just pray that I stay in this raw, vulnerable state for as long as it takes.

Some of you know via facebook that our MOWA letter of recommendation was not at the court house on the day of our court appointment. We were prepared for this, but it was still crushing. However, it does not take a piece of paper or a judge's declaration for me to know that Jamesy is 100% our son and predestined for our family. Because we did not pass, I cannot share photos publicly or tell you the amazingly awesome way God is working and healing his little life - and it is killing me!!) I have much to write about our son and our time with him, and it will come soon. He is precious beyond words. Our next court date (which our agency appears in our place for) is February 8th. I am trying not to get my hopes too far up, but am pleading with God that this be His timing. Kissing his precious face and whispering into his ear that we would not leave him as an orphan was the hardest thing God has required of me to date.


I'm still processing. I have only touched the tip of the iceberg of all that my heart holds from our trip. I know that most of it needs to be shared, but I do not know how. I feel so inadequate. Please give me grace and patience, as I untangle my mind and grasp for the stories knitted into my heart. I want to steward it all well.

My heart is lost somewhere in Ethiopia with two brown-eyed boys - one whom will soon be my legal son, and one whom I would give anything to find a way to make me him my third son.


Note: I opened comments up again for a time, as I am so behind in emails. Hoping this alleviates that a bit. More grace.


Bethany said...

Oh Tiffany. I love you so much. I pray for you daily. I cannot imagine what you are going through not being with your son. I am so glad that God gave you this opportunity to go to Africa. I pray that you guys will do many great things here and help open all of our eyes to what you saw. I look forward to catching up with the "new" you because I honestly believe that God changed you from this trip. You are on my mind constantly.

Grace~ful Family said...

We've been praying for you all and I'm glad your back to share your experience as it has blessed me and I'm so glad you're changed. We'll continue to pray for you'll and if you need someone to talk to please let me know. I'd love to be here for you. Elisha

No Greater Gift Mom said...

Oh Tiffany. My heart is breaking in two. Tears streaming as I type. I am in the midst of "Radical" and feel so much of what you describe, but at the same time, I know that I cannot really feel it. Because I haven't experienced it. I LONG for God to take me there. I LONG for our lives to changed (RADICALLY!) and be completely and utterly HIS GLORIOUS NAME! For HIS precious ones.
Thank you for sharing your life with all of us!
In Him,

Shirley Beesmer said...

As I read your notes my heart literally broke - the tears are pouring down my face. I can't begin to imagine the feeling that you and Jim are having right now. Our love and prayers are with you as you return to Ethiopia. Praying that you will be able to bring Jamesey home very soon. Also, praying for the way that you will effect this country with your message concerning what you have seen and experienced. Thanks for all of the pictures that you shared they are super and speak volumes!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing a little bit of Ethiopia with us. I pray that Jamesy will get to come home soon! I cannot imagine how you felt, leaving him in Africa. I am looking forward to hearing more of your thoughts and experiences as you process all that you have seen.

The Anglin Family said...

I have chills as I read this...
I know as my heart has been convicted, I still turn a blind eye to the needs of others, and the needs of these precious orphans who God so loves.
Thank you so much Tiffany for sharing your story with the world. You have been in my prayers and I am still praying for you and Jim. And Scotty, Cadi, and Jamesy.
Thank you so much for opening my eyes...

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