.The In-Between.

I have seen the topic all over social media lately and in book stores. The topic about saying yes to God. It's beautiful what God is rising up inside of His Church, in this generation. The invitation to say yes to what He is doing in the world is exciting, and I believe that He has big plans for us - for this generation and the generations to follow us. The creativity and the uniqueness of His personal invitations are limitless, and it leaves me breathless. But lately every time I see another blog post, or facebook status, or cute instagram quote pop up that talks about saying yes to God, I cringe and my heart hurts, because I am inside of the yes, and it hasn't felt very cute being here. Saying yes to God cannot be reduced down to the next cute, fad thing. It just can't. Everyone that says yes to God knows this. There is a realness and rawness that comes with the yes that is both exhilarating and excruciating.

I am beginning to discover that there is often a gaping hole between saying yes to God and the fulfillment of that yes. That gaping hole is dark and deep. Right now my family is inside of that gaping hole. We are in the in-between; no longer are we living off the high of the yes, and we have yet to see the yes fulfilled. We are just hanging precariously in the middle. I wish that I could say that since last summer, when we finally surrendered our yes to God to move to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia -when we stepped out in faith and accepted His invitation to partner with God by serving street kids - that our life has been rainbows and butterflies. But it has been anything but that. It has been hard, ugly grueling; we have fough tooth and nail to fulfill the yes. It has become a sloppy mess of intentional daily obedience. There is very little glamour inside of the gap where daily scratching out obedience becomes your battle cry. It's continuing to say yes, by putting one heavy, aching foot in front of the other and burrowing deeper into the gaping hole of the in-between.

Being completely transparent with you, I have cried buckets of tears, eaten my way through too many chocolate bars, questioned our sanity, doubted our call, and been more fearful than brave in every single step of this process. The in-between is hard. Some moments when I look at what is before us, and what is left to be done in order to fulfill this yes, I am more scared than anything else. It is inside these shaky moments, where my heart is panicked and terrified, that my soul knows that this yes has been and always will be God-ordained. Because the Tiffany that I know so well, would never ever set out to do something so big on her own. We know that this is where God works and moves. Sometimes He asks us to do hard things, to claw for that daily obedience after the initial yes, with no reality of that yes manifesting itself.

Sometimes He makes us wait inside the gap, and sometimes the wait is long.

The scariest part of the journey comes after the yes. Sure the journey begins when one courageously surrenders that yes and takes the leap of faith. Absolutely that is hard and scary, but to be suspended in the gap after the yes is frightening. It's a painful place to be to be caught between your yes and the dream of that yes becoming a reality. It is in this chasm that the enemy slips in, and we must guard our hearts. But it is also inside this chasm of the unfulfilled yes, that I think God intentionally backs us into, in order that we might see that there is no way for our yes to be fulfilled except from Him. Our desperation is just a way to set the stage for God to finish what He started in miraculous ways that only He can.

That's where I am right now - where my family is - inside the chasm between the yes and the fulfillment of that yes -we are waiting - wandering aimlessly in the dessert desperate for that Promise Land. But while we wait, I have to believe that God is working behind the scenes - in our hearts and on the details of the yes. We are in some kind of supernatural holding pattern. Somedays I am okay with that, and I am intentional about enjoying the here and now and building the Kingdom from here. Other days I am discouraged and confused and fearful and doubtful, and both kinds of days are okay. God can handle my questions and concerns and loves me through them. I am learning that every yes, every dream, has difficulties, and during this time where we wait, God is preparing us. I now believe that a year ago, our hearts weren't ready for the unknown reality of what lies ahead in Africa. Today, a year later, I believe that although we are not there yet, we are much more prepared for our future life. It is in this delay that our faith has been tested and we have grown. We have had to learn how to better respond to pressure, to stress, the unexpected, and disappointments, and how to continue striving for that daily obedience to our Jesus. All things that we will need in order to survive in Ethiopia.Things that I now believe we had to go through this past year, here, before we move there.

We are not alone in this waiting period. There are so many examples of Biblical precedent to where we find ourselves.The Egyptians always come to mind. When we say yes to God, there is no easy guarantee, there is a promise that we will never be alone and that God's way will always be best, but most likely it will not be easy. Saying yes, puts the reigns firmly in God's hands. I've surrendered control and yielded to Him. My yes offers everything back to Him - even this moment right here between the yes and the fulfillment of that yes - the in-between - He has it all. He's here now, in the in-between, and wants to do more with this than I could ever imagine. I trust that - even when it is hard.

A recent family photo - thanks to my sweet friend, T!

.Expectantly Waiting.

This time around feels a little bit different. I cannot put my finger on exactly what it is. I am just as excited to adopt this time. I am just as passionate about orphan care and our responsibility to care for orphans, and I am just as convicted about being a voice for the voiceless and standing up for justice for these little ones. I have already felt my heart begin that pregnant swell as Sophia is being tightly knitted there. I think of her, I pray for her, and I long to know her, but I feel more settled this time around. Calmer. Perhaps, it is because we have walked this road once before, and have seen the beautiful way that God orchestrates the finances, the timing - well, everything. I don't feel any less passionate or excited, but I don't feel the urgency that was so intense from the very beginning of our journey to Jamesy. I don't feel complacent, though, either. I am just trying to rest in God's timing, knowing full well that it is perfect. Perhaps that is because Sophia is not ready yet, or perhaps I am truly growing in my faith.

Regardless, I am excited. I don't care as much what people think this time around, and yet I have not been quite so vocal. I am leaning into Jesus and listening for His Spirit to direct my words. I understand more now than ever before, the blessings that come with obeying God no matter how crazy it appears to others. So I am closing my eyes to fear of man this time, and opening them to the path God has before us - whatever it may include. The children already talk of Sophie, just like they did of Jamesy. She is part of our family, before we have ever laid eyes on her.

We are standing still for the moment in our journey. Our fat, pink notebook is ready and waiting to be filled to capacity with the documents that will help us reach our daughter.



But for now, we wait on God's timing, to provide the finances. I know He will, I just don't know how or when. So we wait! We are in the process of designing some tees to help raise funds and spread awareness, and we are selling Just Love Coffee again, but mostly we are waiting - expectantly waiting. For my expectation is from Him.

Truly my soul silently waits for God; from Him comes my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved … My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. Psalm 62:1-2, 5-6

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.In the Fullness of Time.

We are in a holding pattern, waiting, willing for the right time for Jamesy's adoption to be finalized. When God determines the time to be right it will happen, and yet this is what I struggle with most. I am choosing to see that time is in God's hands and not mine. It brings comfort some moments and agony others. I am impatient for my brown-eyed boy. I am jealous for these moments that I feel are being stolen from me. And yet I am finding peace in the wait. Peace doesn't always come without pain, though. My heart is full of pain as the days fall away spiraling further and further away from the last moment I kissed his silky, chocolate cheek and hugged him warm and close. I am thankful that the memories haven't faded, and that by closing my eyes I am back there....but only in my mind.

We are still waiting for our document to be re-translated. Our agency has to hire an outside source to do this, and it is taking an unexpectedly longer amount of time. AWAA is speculating that the US Embassy is requesting several documents to be re-translated from other adoption cases and that several agencies are using the same translator. Whatever the reason - ours is not done, so it has not been resubmitted. Today is an Ethiopian holiday so we will not hear anything until perhaps tomorrow. There are at least three other families who have been cleared ahead of us for Visa appointments, and they were all told that next week (March 7-11) was already booked and no more appointments would be made. They are waiting to hear on the following week. I am hopeful that we can squeeze in that week too, but am starting to realize it might not happen. My heart is discouraged today. This is such an unnatural process - to hold and love on our son for a whole week and then leave him for 36 plus days. Who does that? Who can live with that? And yet that is what we did and are doing. It's hard, really, really hard, but God's grace is sufficient. I know that His grace is surrounding me, because there is no possible way I would have ever been strong enough for this on my own.

Our monthly update came in our email today. It was a bittersweet blessing to see his face for the first time since returning home. He looks so happy and care-free. I have such conflicting emotions when I see these photos. We never saw him looking this way when we were in Ethiopia. I've told very little really of our time with Jamesy, because it was hard. We loved him from "hello", but there were very painful moments. I still have so much in my heart about the whole process and Ethiopia, but I think it will stay in my heart for now. Some things are better left there than to be cheapened with my feeble attempts to string them together into words.

Happy Yoni wearing his socks from Daddy & Mommy.

Playing with the phone we sent him in December.


Our last update was for December. (Since we were in Ethiopia in January we did not receive an update for that month.) He has grown an inch and gained 3 lbs!! Every month I chart his progress on a growth chart. He is still below the 5th percentile for height and weight, BUT his head circumference was on the chart this month - between the 5th and 10th percentile - praise God! Jamesy had another ear infection just after we left him. It is cleared up now. I am praying that his ears stay healthy for the long flight home. Moments before we left Jamesy, he threw up all over me. I had wondered if he was coming down with something at the time, and I have prayed constantly for his health. Jamesy is now standing without support for a few seconds. Selfishly I am praying that he waits to take his first steps until he is with his Mommy. I just want so much to have that milestone. He now has 6 teeth as well! Jamesy turns 15 months two weeks from today. I am praying this is his last month in Africa, and this is our last ever update from AWAA.

Everything is ready for our brown-eyed boy, and in the fullness of time he will be here with his family - where he belongs. For now we all wait....

Until then, I suppose there is still much I must learn in this wait.

I wonder if this is anything like how God feels when He is about to bring one of His children home?

Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass … Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him. (Psalm 37:4,7)

I wonder if it is the wait patiently for Him part that I have not yet learned. {sigh}