.All the Pretty Things.

It is so hard to turn my eyes upon Jesus.

We took a walk tonight, just Jamesy and I. He was snug in his footy jammies, fastened in the jogging stroller as we weaved in and out of the neighborhood around us. It was that sweet spot of evening, where the sun glows low and luminous right before its curtain call. Lights spilled warm, soft, and yellow from windows. A few neighbors sat on porches, enjoying the mild autumn evening, waving hellos. I like the quietness of being on a walk with no need for conversation. Life is so loud and busy, that I need intentional solitude and stillness. It's always there in those moments that I grow introspective, and it's there that I meet my Savior.

As I walked, I came upon an adorable brick home, with electric candles filling the windows, and autumn decor tastefully displayed in every possible nook and cranny. The house was so welcoming and lovely. The mums stood tall and proud, their color popping against the brick. The orange pumpkins were nestled in just the right places. The manicured lawn spoke of the owners' delight in their surroundings. I glanced at the prim decor hung on the door, and for just a brief moment my mind wandered away imagining what it would be like to move in. My heart ached a bit as I realized that I would not be decorating for autumn again, and I felt silly as tears pricked my eyes. But the longing, the yearning was there. The knowledge that, although I am beyond grateful to have a roof over my head and the hospitality of my in-laws, I don't have a place of my own any more, and I will likely never again have what I once had. I truly feel like a sojourner.

In that moment my heart was tender and bruised, as I was reminded once more of what God was requiring me to give up in order to follow after Jesus. He has been steadfast in leading me and prying my fingers gently off of the things that have mattered and defined so much of me and my life. He has graciously held the mirror up to my face and pointed out the log that was so grotesquely sticking out my eye. And wow, is it painful trying to yank that log out!

And this is where I pause, because this is where sometimes my words get twisted and confused. God absolutely is asking me to sacrifice my home, my possessions, and so many of my earthly treasures, but I am no better or more spiritual than another Jesus follower who has not been asked the same thing.There is nothing really wrong with decorating our homes beautifully, or living in nice houses. There is nothing wrong with collecting shoes and bags. It was just wrong for me, because it consumed me in a way that nothing else did. We all have to sacrifice to follow Jesus. There is no way around it. I do not believe there is any way around the pain of it either. I believe that the sacrifices He requires are as unique as the individuals who follow Him. He knows our weaknesses. He knows what is winning our affections. He knows the bends and curves of our hearts, and what we are replacing Him with. He knows what consumes us more than Himself. Oh, He knows the areas in our life that need to decrease, so that He can increase. For me it is materialism and consumerism, because when I am trapped in them, and I have been for so long, the stuff consumes far more of me than Jesus consumes me.

It is rather interesting that every single morning I pray over each of my children that they would be completely consumed by Jesus, and yet, here I am, an adult, still struggling with this. Truthfully, I think it will be a battle for the rest of my life. Today, my mom-in-law took me on a shopping spree for my birthday - online. I spent a good hour pouring over clothes, and it was fun. I have not purchased new clothing in so long. I went back and forth, back and forth until I finally settled on what I wanted. And it wasn't until that walk tonight, that I realized what that money could have been used on - a Christmas gift for Fassika, our Compassion child, or deposited directly into our Mercy Branch Inc. account, or used on bills, or sent to one of Habi's friends to pay for a month or more of food etc. And while, I do not really feel guilty, nor necessarily feel as if it was wrong of me to order those clothes, I am also once again confronted with how easily I fall right back into old desires. How easily it is that I forget and neglect to seek first the Kingdom.

And that is truly what this all comes down to. I want to want to seek first the Kingdom, but I am not there yet. There are still sacrifices to be made, there are still heart desires to be replaced, and there is still so much growth that needs to take place. My eyes still flitter so easily away from Jesus and land on all the pretty things. I am striving to replace all of the pretty things with Jesus.

But it is hard. Sanctification is grueling.

I miss this, and perhaps I always will, but perhaps one day I will be so consumed with Jesus, and my eyes will be so fixed on His face that the longing will fade away, and I will be consumed by nothing and no one but Jesus. And all of the pretty things will lose their luster when I see Him for Who He is.

.It Feels Different.

Christmas feels different this year.

We still have a tree and a warmly decorated home, but we didn't pull out all of the Christmas boxes. Christmas seems more meaningful this year somehow, and yet I don't feel the need to stress about things such as decorations, cookies, and gifts. A few decorations are hung, we will bake when the mood strikes, and the gifts....

I never have fun shopping for Christmas. It is just something I have to do. I hate fighting the crowds, I hate feeling as if I am buying for people just because I have to, without really being able to invest much thought into the gift. This year Jim and I challenged ourselves to shop with a purpose, which for us meant only purchasing gifts where the money spent would go towards some kind of social injustice. I thought it would be hard, inconvenient, and just as tedious as always. But I was wrong. I have had the most fun shopping this year! Every gift was researched and every purchase was purposeful and unique. I didn't waste money at a chain store on a gift that meant nothing or on ingredients or craft supplies for homemade goodies that would just be added to a person's pile of gifts. My time isn't being used to rush to finish up my to do list before Christmas. The few times that I have gone into a store this season I am not hurrying to find a gift just so that I can cross another person off of my list, rather I am able to pick up odds and ends here and there to take with us to the orphanages in Ethiopia. That feels a whole lot more meaningful than purchasing yet another toy to add to my children's' already seemingly endless mountain of toys.

I feel as if God has been so busy chiseling away at my life this year. Chipping out huge parts of me that clings to materialism and all of the lies I have swallowed regarding the American Dream. It would seem as if I would feel good over the changes He is orchestrating. However, in actuality the more He chips away at me, the more inadequate I feel, and the more faults and weaknesses are revealed in me. It keeps me at His feet, though, begging Him to do more, to not give up on this wretch.

My five year old is teaching me. On Sunday evening, Jim and I were sitting on the couch in the living room carrying on our own conversation. Unsolicited, Cadi comes to us and announces I have decided that I am okay with not getting any gifts on Christmas morning. I would rather that money be given to children and people who have no money. To say I was shocked was an understatement. She amazes me, and it really has little to do with anything Jim or I have done. It's all Jesus. If only my heart had been so tender at the age of five. God is going to do big things through my girl. I pray she does truly hard things for Jesus, and that God would allow me to release her to do those things wherever He calls her.

Ashamedly, Jim and I decided not to follow her wishes this Christmas. Maybe we should. I wrestle with that. After all what am I teaching her if I do not allow her to sacrifice? I feel so inadequate. She is teaching me. At five years old she understands things that I am just now starting to understand. She sees the world differently than I do. She sees the world through Jesus. She is still five and everything that comes with the immaturity of five, and yet she has these tiny bursts of clarity and maturity beyond her years that can only be from God. On Christmas morning, there will only be a few special gifts under the tree for my children. Not a lot. They will all be precious this year like the handmade super hero capes for my little boys lovingly made by a momma raising funds for her adoption, and a beautiful handmade dress for Cadi created by another adopting momma. There will be no trinkets, few if any toys, but for at least this Christmas, there will still be some gifts. I felt the need to sacrifice for my children this year. That is really my gift to them.

Both of my children have taught me what a true gift children are, and what an eternal blessing it is to welcome them into our home.

He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me. If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea". ~Matthew 18:2-6

It was through a child that God brought salvation to the world. A child was given as the ultimate sacrifice.

And that sacrifice is truly the ultimate, the most precious gift ever given.

Christmas looks different this year through my newly unveiled eyes. It burns a little bit - the brightness, the clarity, and perhaps the tears as I realize how many Christmases went by where I got it all wrong.

My five year old gets it.

And I am trying to get it as well.