.Nothing is Wasted.

Although few people would speak the words out loud, sometimes adoptive mamas, who didn't grow their child in their womb for nine months, who didn't labor and physically deliver their child, are looked at as less than a mother. Sometimes they do not receive the same support, celebrations, empathy and understanding as the mamas who have children the "traditional" way. But the reality is that all of us mamas, regardless of how we came into this title, need help, support, love, and empathy.

I think for many of us moms who have adopted, we have had to fight so hard for our child, we have had to answer so many questions, we have had to battle through emotionally grueling months. Some of us have suffered infertility. Many of us have faced judgments and criticism, and because of this, we feel like we can share nothing less than a perfect picture of the inside of adoption with the outside world - less we get more judgments and criticism thrown our way. We feel as though we are not allowed to feel anything short of extreme gratitude and joy.

I was there. I was right there.

And it led to something that is hidden, dark, and not talked about very much. It led to post-adoption depression. It is such an ugly word - it is misunderstood, it is ignored, glossed over, and it is shrouded in so much shame, but today I am bringing it to light. I am giving voice to this, and I am admitting my own weakness, because despite believing a lie for a long time, I no longer believe that I am alone in this. I instead believe that there are many of us out there, suffering alone, feeling ashamed and isolated.

Today, although my hands are literally shaking, I am sharing brushstrokes of my story with you, because it just might be your story, too. For too long, I was so desperate for someone to tell me that I was not alone. You, dear sister, are not alone.

We went through grueling months becoming educated to adopt, completing paperwork, going through intense background checks, etc. Every area of our life was picked through with a fine-toothed comb. We jumped through all of the hoops, and we were "approved" as parents. And that's a lot to live up to. I came home from Ethiopia with a beautiful 15 month old son. He was amazing and more than we dreamed he would be. But we left behind his birth country and his culture, and we knew that this little baby carried with him more loss and trauma than we could comprehend. We left behind a country and people that had destroyed our hearts, and we left behind another son who we knew was supposed to be inside our family. That alone was debilitating - trying to parent three children here and one there. Those things alone changed me. I saw and experienced things in Ethiopia that I was not prepared for. I was exposed to a world that I knew nothing about - poverty, death, starvation, disease, ugliness. My emotions were all over the place, I struggled with guilt, anger, self-righteousness, and heavy, heavy sadness. I came home with a child who needed me in a way that I had never been needed before. We only knew one diagnosis at the time, and we had little to work with. Nothing could have prepared me for the intensity inside our home for those first months. I poured my life out in an effort to make our sweet Jamesy feel secure, loved, and wanted.

And while I was pouring my life out, life didn't just stop and wait for me to catch a breath.

The dust settled, and all around us people moved on from the airport homecoming, and life returned to normal for them. And we, in an effort to bond and attach and help Jamesy heal, isolated ourselves for weeks. I do not regret it, it needed to happen for his sake, but it took a toll on me. I didn't quite recognize my life anymore. Nothing was the same. I was seeing the world with different eyes, my heart was so bruised, I was exhausted in a way I had never been before, and our family was completely changed. Things were hard. I loved my boy fiercely from the beginning, but his needs were so consuming.

I remember many nights where after rocking Jamesy for literally hours, only to have him scream with terror as soon as I laid him in bed and had to start again, and after missing again the nighttime ritual for my other two children, I would lay on my bed and sob feeling so guilty as I whispered to God This is what I was fighting so hard for? I remember nearly choking on cries as I cleaned up vomit again - sometimes for the third or fourth time in a day. I remember looking at Cadi and Scotty and feeling such sorrow and so much guilt for not being able to be the mommy to them that I used to be - I had no energy. I was exhausted, but I never slept. I was a shell of who I once was. I was distracted, irritable, unmotivated, and sad. I was so sad. I felt worthless as a mom, as a friend, as a wife. There was so much guilt on my shoulders. But I was good at faking it, because that is what I felt like everyone was expecting from me. I was scared that if I told the truth, then I would get slapped with an "I told you so", and I just knew that would have been my breaking point.

We followed God in adoption. I have no doubt that He led us to Ethiopia, and to Jamesy. I regret none of it. But I do regret not asking for more help, not allowing people inside the pain, and not being honest with the ugliness that we were dealing with. I thought that because I had wanted this so badly that I had to be the perfect mom, and that had debilitating consequences. We hit the ground running, and I was running on empty.

Slowly God has been healing me. I finally communicated my post adoption depression to my husband this summer. I believe giving voice to my struggles began the healing process. I found other adoptive moms who were struggling with the same, and knowing that I was not alone lifted some of the isolation. This has been a long, dark road, BUT these past three years have not all been dark. I think that is a misunderstanding with depression as well. It has not all been fake. I have felt intense joy, peace, and purpose in my life. There were smiles, cuddles, and memories made. I have loved big and received love in return. I have cherished moments with each of my children, and my marriage is strong. I have laughed and danced and lived. I have seen more of Jesus and needed Him more than any other time in my life. I have been at His feet over and over again. There has been more of Jesus and less of me, and His strength has been magnified in my weakness. I believe He chose me because of my weakness. He is still working on me, and I still have dark days. But morning is coming! I can see the sun rising, and it is warm and beautiful and beckoning me out of the dark.


I am not defined by this, and even this serves a purpose and will not be wasted. God is making something beautifully new with this broken mess. I trust that - even when it hurts and is hard. God is busy, even now, redeeming this. The same is true for you. This is my story, and I pray that it brings mercy to someone else's story. I know this is a strange story to share for National Adoption/Orphan care month, but today rather than advocating for the orphan, I feel led to advocate for you - the adoptive mama who is hiding in shame. Dear sister, I see you.

[If you are struggling with any kind of depression, I encourage you to please seek professional medical and emotional help.]

Why Can't We Just Get Along?

For the past three years or so, I have eagerly anticipated November and National Adoption/Orphan Awareness month. I have been passionate about advocating for adoption and for children who need families to step up and fold them into a loving home. But this year I am left with a bitter taste in my mouth, and I hesitate to write anything, because there is a whole lot of ugliness swirling around the topic of adoption right now. I have watched it build and build over the past few years, and it seems to be crescendoing as people, people who love Jesus and people who have even adopted children in the past, choose a side and spew judgments across the harsh lines that have been drawn in the sand. All one has to do is google adoption, or jump into an adoption forum, or search around a bit on facebook to find the missile launching - on both sides. Daily I see articles and blog posts circulating explaining how what we are doing is all wrong. (This is true of missions right now as well, and our family is lucky enough to be in the middle of both of these hot button issues.)

I feel the passion that God planted in my heart fizzling out. Somedays, I look around and see the words that people are slinging at each other, and I feel overwhelmed in what seems like a war of causes. Having adopted myself, I understand both sides of the coin. I look at my Jamesy and my Habi, and I understand that for them, adoption was the best solution to a really horrible situation. I also understand that it was not God's original intention for children to ever grow up an ocean away from their birth country or families - that He created families and desired for families to stay together. On the same hand, we face the reality that we live in a fallen, broken Genesis 3 world, and sometimes the best solution in this messed-up world really will be adoption. I truly do believe that adoption can be a breathtaking portrait of the gospel - a small reflection of the love God has for us. I also feel very strongly about trying to keep birth families together when at all possible, and I understand that poverty should not be a reason that a mother has to abandon her child. Family reunification and discipling families to be able to live in harmony together is biblical, and orphan prevention is vital.

I care about all of this. I really do. I care about the ethics in adoption and the integrity of adoption agencies and NGOs. But {gulp} I also care about adoption, and I think that it does have a very valuable and needed place. I have not turned a blind eye to the very real and very messy issues. I understand that there is no quick-fix - no easy answer. I believe that each child, each family, each case, each agency, each NGO, each ministry, each country, has to be looked at individually. There is no blanket answer that covers everything. There is no one answer or one way fits all.

Friends, I am tired of the mud-slinging, the name-calling, and the demeaning way we are putting down the passions and callings of our brothers and sisters, especially when it comes to this hot-button issue of adoption and orphan care. When we loudly wave our picket sign claiming that this is the best answer, the most gospel-driven, the most godly, the only way, it is then that Satan wins. He has us exactly where he wants us - brothers and sisters in Jesus facing off, teeth bared, blood boiling and arguing over causes. Rather than actually doing anything, so many of us are frozen on the battle field and have become immobile. He hates families, and seeks to destroy them, and if he can put a rift in the family of Jesus, then he is very quick and eager to do that.

I am feeling convicted about all of the time, the passion, the energy that is being poured into arguing the sides. I do believe there is a time and place to have some hard conversations regarding these issues, but mostly I believe that in a time in history when the body of Christ could be making such a huge difference for the kingdom, we are relegated to bullying our siblings....and sadly we do it in the name of Jesus.

Why can't we just get along? What if we just stopped? What if we took a deep breath, did our own research, and trusted the Holy Spirit to do exactly what He has promised to do in each of our hearts - individually. What if we stopped trying to be the Holy Spirit for each other? What if instead of demeaning the passions and callings of others, we championed them? What if we acted like the body that we were called to be and just put a stop to the judging and the justifying - the critiquing masked by "just wanting to help open her eyes"? What if each of us just carried out our unique, individual call in the work of the gospel and cheered as others did the same? What if we supported each other in building the kingdom?

I don't want to devalue his contribution or hers. I don't want to be in the middle of the picketing. This brings fear and can cause us to become paralyzed, and instead of becoming passionate about anything, we become fearful of everything. We become scared that we will do it wrong and mess this up, but God is so much bigger than that. He understands our hearts and our motives. Let's lay this down at His feet, and trust His Spirit to guide in this area of adoption and orphan care (and all areas). Let's cheer our brothers and sisters along in their call. Will we get everything right? No, we won't. It's not possible on this side of heaven. We are human, and we are flawed. We will try, and we will fail. We will get things beautifully right some of the time, and we will make a mess some of the time, and in it all He is sovereign and weaving and orchestrating a beautiful story that we are all written into. We serve the God of redemption, and He redeems even our messes and mistakes. This is such an exciting time to live! We have so many resources at our fingertips, and there is so, so much that we can do for the kingdom when we are unified. There is so much potential in the Church right now, and rather than squelching that potential, let's encourage it.

I am confessing my own sin in this area. I am dropping my picket signs, and I am linking arms - for the King and His kingdom. Will you join me?

{source}

.Family.

Eighteen years ago, President Clinton declared November to be "National Adoption/Orphan Awareness Month". Eighteen years ago I was on the brink of turning 16. I was consumed with me. This continued for so many years. The only orphan I knew anything about was "Orphan Annie", and adoption was something risky that people who could not have "their own" children did. It was kind of weird, and it was for those crazy people. In all my years growing up in a legalistic Baptist church, and then attending a Bible college, I never once heard someone from the pulpit preach or teach on our mandate to care for orphans.

And I certainly did not investigate it myself.

What shocks me the most now, is that adoption was not even really mentioned in relation to the gospel, and it is such an important piece of the gospel. If it was mentioned, it was quickly glossed over with words like "spirit of adoption" and tied up in theological mumbo-jumbo, and then it was on to the next subject. It was never personalized. It was never intimate.

But WE were orphans, and God, through His beloved Son Jesus' sacrificial death on the cross - in our place, adopted us and made us His children. He eradicated our orphan status. He brought us into His family as His own, and we share all of the same blessings as His beloved Son, Jesus. We are no longer outcasts, we are no longer fatherless!

Read it again. How amazingly beautiful is this? And THIS is adoption. This is why we adopt. This is why we care for orphans - because God first cared for us and our heart is overflowing and bursting with that love - in a way that wants to physically express it. THIS is why I believe God calls so many believers to adopt. It really has less to do with the orphan and their need, and more to do with God gifting us with a breath-taking picture of the gospel. It is more about what happens inside of us when we say "yes". I have not experienced anything more beautiful than this tangible portrait of the gospel living and breathing inside of my own home.

And I could have missed it.

Because adoption was not my choice. Adoption is not something I ever planned to walk through. But, oh how God breaks down barriers, and lies, and preconcieved notions, and life plans, and how He replaces them with His ways, His vision, His love, and His plans.

I know that adoption is not God's plan for every Christian family. However, I also know that His plan is for every Christian family to care for the orphan in a personal, intimate way. We do not all need to make orphans sons and daughters, and bring them into our homes, but we do all need to do something.

Orphan care is not a fad. It is a mandate. Go ahead read your Bible, search out our responsibility to orphans. If we believe in Jesus Christ, we do not have an option to care for the orphan, but we do have an option in how we care for them.

Let's stop debating if we are called. Let's step up to the call, and please, let's support and encourage one another in the process.

Because if you are a believer, and I am a believer, we are all adopted into the same family, with the same Father. It's time to start acting like a family. I am weary of the Church functioning as an orphanage - broken, destitute, cold -  rather than a family. A family filled with the HOPE of Jesus.

Please join me on your knees for the millions of children around our globe that lay their head down tonight without the love of a daddy or a mommy. This is a reality that should haunt us. Let's get busy for these precious children, created in the image of God.

Let's have hard conversations about family reunification and family preservation. Let's talk about orphan prevention first and then orphan care. Let's advocate for ethical adoptions, but only when the previous attempts have been exhausted.

And friends, let's remember the reason we do any of this, the reason we love, is because we are loved. In the center of all of this is Jesus. Let's move forward without losing sight of His face.

Adoption is not just about couples who want children - or who want more children. Adoption is about an entire culture within our churches, a culture that sees adoption as part of our Great Commission mandate and as a sign of the gospel itself... I want to ask what it would mean if our churches and families were known as the people who adopt babies - and toddlers, and children, and teenagers. What if we as Christians were known, once again, as the people who take in orphans and make of them beloved sons and daughters?


No one wants parents who adopt children out of the same sense of duty with which they may give to the building fund for the new church gymnasium. But all of us have a stake in the adoption issue, because Jesus does. He is the one who tells us His Father is also "Father of the fatherless" (Psalm 68:5). And, He is the one who insists on calling "the least of these" His "brothers" (Matthew 25:40) and who tells us that the first time we hear His voice, He will be asking us if we did the same.
 ~ Russell D. Moore

.Adoption {A Guest Post}.

Today I am thrilled to have a guest post by author, Robb Ryerse. Robb and I grew up together in the same small church and Christian school. I am fascinated by his bravery in the journey God is leading he and his family on. His brand new book recounting some of this journey, Fundamorphosis: How I Left Fundamentalism But Didn’t Lose My Faith, can be purchased now on Amazon. Robb is a deep thinker and a passionate story teller. I was excited that he agreed to share his adoption story here with us as we focus in on adoption/orphan care this month. Thank you, Robb.

I started dreaming about adopting when I was a teenager.


I grew up in fundamental Baptist churches where political issues were painted with the same broad and often simplistic brush as everything else. The only political issue that really mattered was abortion. I was taught that all true Christians were pro-life, and all pro-lifers should do everything possible to end abortion. And so I wore my “God is pro-life” t-shirt. I attended rallies and marches in Washington DC. I read books by Randall Terry. And I dreamed of one day adopting a baby who could have been a victim of abortion.

Fifteen years later, my dream came true. And along the way, I learned that the simplistic understanding of just about everything that I had inherited growing up was woefully inadequate for the real world.

For instance, I grew up with a more than healthy suspicion of the government and government programs. I was taught to believe that - at once - the government wanted both as many as abortions to take place as possible while also restricting as many Christians from adopting as possible. This simplistic view of things began to crumble when I met Donna. One evening, Donna brought her kids to an event we were doing at our church. As we chatted, she told me that she was a foster care recruiter. This intrigued me. Out of my ingrained, simplistic suspicion, I began to pepper Donna with questions:

* I’ve always heard that the foster care system won’t place a minority child with white parents. Is that true?

* I’ve always heard that the foster care system will discriminate against me because I’m a conservative Republican. Is that true?

* I’ve always heard that the foster care system won’t place a child with devout Christians. Is that true?

* I’ve always heard that the foster care system is full of bureaucratic red-tape, making it nearly impossible to actually get a child place with you. Is that true?

* I’ve always heard that the foster care system makes it really expensive and difficult to get a child. Is that true?

* I’ve always heard that the foster care system is the worst route to go for a family that wants to ultimately adopt. Is that true?

Donna patiently listened and answered my questions. Over and over again she replied, “No.” As it turned out, I wouldn’t be discriminated against or moved to the back of the line because of my faith or spend years of my life and thousands of dollars fighting a bloated bureaucracy. Everything I had always been led to believe wasn’t true. The bottom line truth was that there were a lot of kids in the system who just needed to be loved.

We could do that.

And so, we jumped into the system, got trained, got licensed, and waited for the phone to ring. It did on a Wednesday morning. I was at the office when my wife Vanessa called. She said, “So ... do you want to have a baby?” I wasn’t quite sure about what she was asking me. I think I attempted a joke, “I can be home in ten minutes?” I’m sure she rolled her eyes and then told me that there was a three and a half month baby girl who was ready to be placed with us. We needed to decide within an hour.

We picked her up that afternoon and promptly drove to the store to get everything from diapers and formula to clothes and a car seat.

And we determined on that day that we would love her for as long as we had her.

Charleigh’s now been a part of our family for more than eight years. She has brought more happiness, laughter, and joy to our lives than I could have ever imagined. She is a force of nature. And we love her so.

Over the years, more of my simplistic misunderstandings about adoption have been shattered. I used to think that adopted kids, especially babies who were adopted, would just be so happy to have a home that they would be content. Our experience with Charleigh has taught me a much different reality. Our daughter has an ache, a hole, that Vanessa and I will never be able to fill, no matter how much we love her and she loves us. At a very young and vulnerable age, she absorbed a loss that to this day shapes her personality, her fears, and her dreams. We can’t pretend that this doesn’t exist. We can just love her for as long as we have her and by so doing reinforce to her that she has no reason to fear that she is not valuable, wanted, and worthy of love.

My experience as Charleigh’s dad has changed how I think of all other at risk birth mothers and babies. I no longer think that Christians adopting kids is the quick and easy fix to a societal ill. I don’t see well-meaning pro-life Christians, like myself, as saviors on white horses. Instead, I see a very complex problem with no ideal solutions. And I don’t think that I am helping at all when I protest with a clever sign or spout bumper sticker slogans or pontificate about people I don’t know. The world doesn’t need my simplistic misunderstandings. The world needs my love.

And right now, my world is Charleigh. And her mom and brother and sister. And that’s a dream come true.

--

Robb Ryerse is the author of Fundamorphosis: How I Left Fundamentalism But Didn’t Lose My Faith. He pastors Vintage Fellowship in Fayetteville AR. Robb blogs at www.thegrenzian.com.

.Amazing Grace.

This is a reposting of my side of choosing Jamesy and special needs, but as I sit here I am realizing more and more how little choosing I did. Adoption was never my choice. Special needs was never my choice. A teenage boy from the streets was never my choice. But they were all God's choice - His perfect choice for me. It is amazing to think how God orchestrated that day (just like the day I met Habtamu) and all of the events that had to come together in order for me to land on that page and find my son, and the prepping He had done in my heart to get me to a point where I was ready to say yes, Lord.

---

I am inadequate to write this post. I have thought over it, prayed over it, dreamed of sharing it, and cried over it, but I still come here not knowing what to write. In writing this story of my son, I so desire for all of the glory and credit to go to my great God. I pray that His fame is renowned, and that Jim and I, and even our precious brown eyed boy, would fade into the background. We are just supporting characters in this story - the starring role was long ago reserved for my God, my Savior. For this is ultimately and completely His story, and I hold it loosely knowing who really holds the pen. I could never fully tell all that God has done to orchestrate getting Jamesy into our family. There is no way that my finite mind can begin to even comprehend, in order to tell, the supernatural way that God joined our family together through this amazing, wonderful, painful, beautiful, humbling journey of adoption.

Please know that this is only a part of Jamesy's story. This is the part that we feel led to share. The other part is reserved for Jamesy alone to share someday if he feels so led. We have very little to give him of his past, and would like to keep what we can sacred for him.

We chose this road of adoption -which was a big step for both of us a step of faith and some private, personal growth steps as well - for very unique reasons for both of us. But even after choosing this and obeying the Holy Spirit's prompting in this area of adoption and orphan care, we put our own human parameters on the kind of orphan that we thought God would choose for our family. We both felt very strongly about a boy. (I have the most tender spot in my heart for boys. I always wanted a son, and the thought of having two just excited me to no end! Not that this diminishes my love for my Cadi at all.) We also decided, without honestly much prayer, that God had a healthy infant boy for us. We knew any international adoption was risky, adoption in general is challenging and even hard, and we surely knew that God would not require more from us.

God began breaking my heart in a way that I could not fathom. He was growing me at exponential rates, like never before in my walk with Him. He was releasing us from our bondage of materialism and the American dream - a bondage we had not even known we were under. I was beginning to think that I was reaching a pivotal point in what God had to teach me through our adoption. And then God yanked the rug out from under me. I have shared this next bit in a previous blog post, but now I will add all of the details that I was not at liberty to publicly share until now.

It happened on a Thursday. It was mid afternoon, Cadi and Scotty were napping, my house was clean, we were having dinner at a friends' home and I had nothing to prepare, so I hopped on the computer and logged into AWAA's yahoo group. I scrolled through the newest messages. I saw once again someone mention the Waiting Child List. People had been mentioning it all week, praying that by the time Court reopened in Ethiopia (it closes for a month during Ethiopia's rainy season every year) the list could be cleared out. I remember thinking how great that would be, and how special those people were to be able to accept one of these children into their home. The list is full of children who have special needs - sometimes the special need is simply that the child is older and less likely to be adopted because there are very few requests for older children compared to the families requesting infants. Others of the children have varying degrees of special needs. I finally felt curious about this list. I wanted to join in praying for these children, but I needed to put faces to them. I requested the password and entered the site. Little did I know that this decision would change the course of our lives forever.

What sweet, beautiful children popped up on the screen. I slowly scrolled through them reading the little description written about each one and then quickly praying for the child and his or her forever family. That they would be united quickly, and that these children could be removed from the list. I then scrolled to the very last child. My heart kind of skipped a beat and I felt a gentle tug because the child was an infant and a boy, and then I read his description. I knew that God would never call us to that special need, though, I clearly remember thinking and feeling relief wash over me. That would be too hard, and we had already requested a healthy baby boy and were nearly done with our home study based on that request. Phew, off of the hook.

Then I opened his picture.

I do not know how to describe what happened next without sounding like a crazy person. In that moment I was living so outside my character that I am still overwhelmed and humbled with what happened next.

Immediately upon the photo popping up on my screen I burst into sobs, deep gut-wrenching, shoulder shaking, ugly sobs. Because I knew that he was my son. The only thing I can liken it to is having my newborn laid on my chest after birth, locking eyes with him, and knowing that he belonged with me. It was the exact same thing with this baby on my screen. He belonged with us! I was simultaneously filled with peace and fear. Peace, because I knew in my heart of hearts that he was indeed the child that God had ordained to be in our family. Fear because of what that meant God was asking this cowardly, shy, not confident girl to do.

He was aking me in that moment to say yes to this 7 month old baby boy that had been diagnosed as bilaterally blind and severely, chronically malnourished - the ramifications of his malnutrition and other special needs that could surface were unknown. Surely this cannot mean he is completely blind I thought. I quickly pulled up google and my heart sank as I realized that is exactly what it meant.

Really, God? A blind child? How do we do that?

I then googled the ramfications of chronic malnourishment and my stomach twisted as I learned of the severe delays and retardation it could (but not always - I tend to be a realist.) mean. I then began to fear what Jim would think and how I could possibly tell him that this boy was who God meant for us to adopt.

But my love for this boy and the knowing that he was my son was instantaneous and that overshadowed everything at the moment. Yesterday, Jim shared his side of the story. He battled it out with God, but the outcome was beautiful -obviously - look where we are today! Soon after that day, we both came to the same conclusion about this boy, we notified our agency, received his referral, and accepted it. I would love to say that it has been an easy road since then, that I was never plagued with doubts about the ramifications of our decision. That I did not stay up at night frozen with fear over the special needs that our son would carry with him. That I didn't feel scared and inadequate. But I cannot say that. There were days when Satan had a hay-day in my mind playing up every fear imaginable. There were nights where I laid in bed and tried to imagine how we were really going to do this with a blind child. I read several books on raising children with visual impairments, but they just made me fear. I pictured my son walking down the road with a walking stick. I feared not being able to learn Braille, not being adequate to homeschool him like our other children. It was a silent, private battle everyday for a long time. I was not batteling loving Jamesy, but to accept that our story was not ending exactly how we had thought was hard. To accept how the world would percieve my son was hard. He was already coming into our family different with his brown skin against our white, and now to add this.

But he was ours, and we obeyed. We obeyed scared some days, but we still obeyed.

Then special people in our life started telling us that they were praying for Jamesy's eyes. I thought that was weird at first. He's blind afterall, end of story. Surely the Jesus of the Bible would not still heal the blind. Or would He? My kind of church does not put a lot of emphasis on God's ability to heal, but God convicted my heart of stone, and I started to pray as well. I prayed that he would at least be able to make out the shapes of the faces of his family. I prayed fervently - somedays with great faith and somedays with barely any. I drilled every family about my baby, that I could from our agency, that went to the Transition Home for their court date or embassy trip. I pleaded with them to tell me about his eyes. At first it looked bleak. It seemed as if God had truly destined for us to raise a blind child. I kept reading things about how God still heals today through the power of prayer. Jim and I prayed together for Jamesy, and Cadi began to join in. Soon the reports were different.

Your son seems to be able to see light.

Your son cannot focus on my face, but he is trying too.

Your son follows shapes with his eyes.

During this time we also received news that Jamesy's eyes would shake, and that he seemed to have little control of them. I began researching this, and came to the uneducated conclusion that he has nystagmus. I very soon after found out that a very dear bloggy friend has this exact same condition. She gave me great, great hope, watched a video of Jamesy's eyes that we had received, and agreed that she thought he has nystagmus - which is NOT always blindness - as is the case for her. In the meantime, Jamesy kept gaining weight and growing as he was on nutritional rehabilitation. He was also right on track with his developmental progress - sometimes even ahead of where our other two children were at his age!

We set out for Ethiopia not knowing exactly what to expect. We found our son to certainly have some visual impairments, but we found him to NOT. BE. BLIND. Not at all. Although, at first, we were discouaraged to find that he could not seem to focus on our face or make eye contact with us. But we taught him to high five, he would catch bubbles, and grab our sunglasses - all impossible for a child with his diagnosis!

Then on our fourth day with him God gave me the amazing, unforgettable, life-changing gift of locking eyes with my son for 30 seconds as I fed him a bottle! He saw my face! He looked into my eyes and held my gaze. This all from a child who we were told would. never. see.

We will never know all that God has done in Jamesy's eyes, but we know that he has done a healing work. We know that it is not a case of him simply being misdiagnosed. When we were in Ethiopia we were told that when Jamesy was brought into the Transition Home in July he was BLIND. Then slowly over the course of the months he had been there he gained more and more sight! And those months? They coorelate exactly with the months when we prayed fervently for his healing.

Our son once was blind but now he SEES! God is still in the process of teaching me a lot through this. I will never understand this side of eternity why God is allowing me this blessing of being Jamesy's mommy. Did God allow Jamesy to be blind in order to bring him out of his orphanage and into the Transition Home? Or was it so that he would land on the Waiting Child List and be seen by us? Or was God testing us to see if we were willing to do whatever He asked? I believe the answer is yes to at least some of those, but I will never truly know until I meet my Jesus face to face. And it doesn't matter why.

We still do not know exactly what the future holds for our Jamesy, although he is far from blind, he does carry very weighty special needs with him. But those needs do not define our beautiful, amazing, created in the image of God, son. We know God is working mightily in his life, in our life, and in those who have heard his story. God has big plans for Jamesy - that much I know!

Whatever the reason, I am abundantly thankful that God has brought our sweet Jamesy into our family forever! God has changed us because of this story.

I once was lost, but now am found.
I once was blind, but now I see!

God, in His creative sovereignty used a precious, blind, brown-eyed boy to open my eyes and remove my blindness!

All praise and glory to Him. I am completely unworthy of His Amazing Grace!

Locking eyes for the first time.

.Jim's Story.

I am reposting a portion of my husband Jim's story in how God led him to choose our Jamesy and special needs. I know that orphan care can be considered a female issue, but let me tell you, seeing my husband step up and stand up and fight for the fatherless makes him one of the greatest men I know. There is something very masculine about watching a man choose to father the fatherless. I am thankful everyday for this example that my children have in our home. Jim is an amazing daddy to all four of our children.

Here is his story.


I remember the moment like it had just passed. I came home from work, with the kids still napping. I turned the key in door, stepped inside, and looked for my wife in that familiar place… when all was quiet and work was done… sitting at the computer. I came up behind her… she told me of the waiting child list, and the need for prayer. Then she did something she had done many, many times. She opened a picture of a little Ethiopian boy and said the words, isn’t there something special about this boy?

My response was immediate. I knew.

In my heart, I knew. It wasn’t her… she did not ask me ever to make him my son. But Someone did.

I was terrified, angry, hurt, and furious with the mere suggestion.

How dare You? Haven’t I gone far enough? Have I not given You all of me? Did I not say yes to You, simply by taking this journey?

Now this part will take a bit of a back story. To my shame, I was not the one who said yes first to this journey. In fact, I was resistant. Like most men, this was not my idea. However, God in His divine wisdom, gave me the clarity to know that before the journey began, I could not have any excuses. I could not have an out, like “this was really your thing.” So before I said yes, I begged God to make it all clear that this was His path for our life. And He did, and I knew… that this was our journey, not Tiffany’s path that I was watching her walk down…

Back to the story at hand. I believe my exact words were “No. I don’t want to. Not this.” Funny, because Tiffany never once asked me if I would consider adopting this boy, she simply said, isn’t there something special about this boy?

And there was, and I knew it.

I slunk into my favorite chair, ready to help God understand exactly why this was not okay. Ready to help Him see. We’re supposed to go to Giants games together. I am supposed to teach him how to do a turnaround jumper in the lane. I am supposed to teach him how to play flag football. I… and just as He had done thousands of years ago with the rich young ruler, He whispered the words that cut straight to the heart of the issue.

Just say it, Jim. I am not sufficient. Walk back into your church as a Pastor, tell everyone you know: this is bigger than I can handle. Quit your job; apply at the supermarket to bag groceries, because it is obvious you believe that this is too hard for Me.

It took me hours just to be able to pray for the baby boy on the screen. How could I pray that God would reveal His family, when I knew He already had, and that his foolish dad just wouldn’t say yes?

It was at this point that I thought, maybe I just don’t know what his special need of bilateral blindness is. I called my mother, a PhD research nurse, and my sister, an RN, (just in case my mom didn’t know what she was talking about!). The diagnosis was everything I had feared-to the greatest extent I had feared it would be… and the question that God whispered to my heart still lingered: am I sufficient?

Just as He had done many other times in my life, God spoke through His Word to my heart… He assured me of His sufficiency:

And we have such trust through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God, who also made us sufficient as ministers of the new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. {2 Corinthians 3:4-6}

If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! {Matthew 7:11}

And on my birthday, we made the call to say, we want Yonas! And I can honestly say, thank you God. I would have never chosen this journey for myself, but You Who know my heart granted me good gifts.

Jim.

.Don't Adopt.

I think people get nervous when they find out we are an adoptive family and orphan advocates. Many times I see the look in their eyes, almost immediately. The one that speaks volumes with no words being uttered. The one that is panicked and defensive.

So, you think every Christian should adopt just because you adopted?!

Um, no. No, I do not. I have never said that, and I never will say that, because I do not believe that every Christian should adopt, or is qualified to adopt. Should every Christian pray and consider whether or not adoption is how God wants them to obey the mandate to care for orphans? Maybe. Should every Christian be involved in orphan care? Adamantly Yes.

When a family is praying through and considering adoption as a ministry, they must, must, must count the cost. The family must realize exactly what they are saying yes to, and exactly how much Satan hates adoption and will try to destroy the very thing we are desperate to give our children - family.

Yes, I am unapologetically a huge adoption and orphan advocate, BUT here are five reasons why a family should choose not to adopt:

• If you are looking to adopt a child to fill your expectations and your needs and your dreams, then it would be better to bring home a puppy, rather than a human being. We do not adopt to fill a need or a void in our own heart. We do not seek out a child that meets our criteria or list of specifications - there is no such thing. That is way too much unrealistic pressure to place on a child - especially a child who comes from a hard place (i.e. any child who is eligible for adoption has come from some kind of hard place and is experiencing loss to varying degrees). There is no way that all of our expectations could ever be met, and the disappointment will be felt by the child. A child is not a commodity, and to adopt a child in order to meet our needs turns that child into such. To treat a child in this way is dangerous, sad, and wrong. This hurts the child  and the family and the adoption community. The ramifications on this child's life can be devastating. Adoption is simply not about you.

• If you are not into parenting then don't adopt. Adoption is much less about the arduous process of bringing a child into your family, then it is about the long-haul of parenting that child to adult-hood. If a couple is not ready to make the long-term commitment to parent a child, then adoption ministry is simply not the ministry to pursue. Parenting is hard, grueling, and humbling. Parenting takes dieing to self daily. If you are not prepared or willing to parent a child then adoption is simply not for you. By adopting a child you are committing your life to that child, as a believer, you are pledging to raise that child while you follow Jesus. You are choosing to parent a child who is hurting and broken and yes, that is risky. You are vowing to shape and mold a new generation for the kingdom of God. This is a marathon, one that takes perseverance, prayer, steadfastness, and longevity.

• If your marriage is not rock-solid then do not adopt. When a couple decides to adopt they are automatically placing a target on their marriage and family. I strongly believe that the moment a family chooses adoption they will be under spiritual attack. (And that is saying a lot from this Baptist-raised girl.) I have seen it though. Satan HATES adoption. Adoption is such a portrait of redemption, and Satan wants to destroy redemption. He hates that orphans are becoming sons and daughters, and if he can get a foothold and destroy what you are trying to build up, he absolutely, unequivocally will. If a husband and wife are not unified, and if their marriage is not anchored in the gospel and Jesus, then adoption should not be an option. This does not mean that it will never be an option in the future, but for now, your marriage needs to be your primary focus. Find a marriage counselor and invest yourself in a different way in orphan care and orphan prevention for the time-being. Don't bring a child into your messy marriage -make sure your marriage is healthy and vibrant, lest the stress of an adoption has the ability to crumble and destroy your marriage and your family.

• If you are feeling guilt then don't adopt. While the Bible is filled with God's mandate to care for the orphan, and adoption is a wonderful solution for a part of the orphan crises, guilt should never be what motivates us. Yes, the need is great, tragic, and sad, but guilt shouldn't motivate us - LOVE should always be our motivation. Love for Jesus and His gospel. Love for redemption. Out of the overflow of our hearts should we ever seek to adopt. Guilt will fizzle and fade. Real, unconditional love is a choice, a commitment to that child. It is not ever an emotional response as a result of guilt. Yes, the need is great, but in order for an adoption to work you cannot be motivated by guilt because of the need, we must be motivated by love for the need.

• If you do not love or desire another child, then don't adopt. Sounds simple and silly, but it truly is something to consider. Adoption brings a child into your home. If you are not ready or do not want a child then don't adopt. If you are not willing to love and care for and raise a child, then a different orphan care ministry would be best for you. If you really do not want to adopt, than you simply should not.

Yes, adoption is remarkable and beautiful and glorious. It is life-changing. I am passionate about adoption. I will always be passionate about it. Adoption is at the heart of the gospel. Placing orphans inside of thriving families and eradicating their orphan status is exhilarating, and one of the most amazingly beautiful AND hard journeys I have ever been on. However, the blessing of adoption is truly not for every family. Because with the beautiful comes wreckage, heartache, brokenness, ugliness, and hurt. It is a life time commitment. A commitment that cannot be jumped into lightly - a family must step in with eyes wide open and a surety that this is the ministry that God is calling them to. If adoption is not the ministry God is calling you into, that is okay. There are so many other ways to care for the orphan, and God is just as pleased and glorified in those ways.

Yes, yes, yes, we need Christians to stand up and adopt and foster and bring children into our homes. We need to reflect the gospel in this way. However, not every Christian is willing, ready, or able to take on the immense brokenness that comes with adoption. Not every Christian should adopt.

.Wrecked.

I have allowed myself to be backed into a corner and silenced for awhile. Sure I continue to tell our story, and light brush strokes of our Ethiopian sons' stories, and I doubt that will end. Because everyone likes to hear stories of hope. But the advocating and truth telling has been muffled for a while now.

I got scared.

You see as a recovering people-pleaser, advocating for orphans makes me not so pleasing. But as I have been praying through this month, which is focused on adoption and orphan care, I feel the Spirit prodding me to break the silence and to be bold with the resources I have - one of which is social media. Social media gives me a voice - even if that voice is trembling. Truth be told, I am far from brave; every time I hit publish on these consecutive posts about orphan care, my stomach lurches a bit and I wince anticipating the blows that may come. And in a small way, I do get it. This is not pleasant. Orphan care is not pretty. The devastating need and plight of many of the orphans in our world today is uncomfortable to look at.

However, if I am being honest in how I advocate for these children, and paint a real, accurate photo, well, sometimes it's just plain ugly. Sometimes it looks like teenage boys laying on cold cement, huddled together eager for some comfort of warmth, huffing glue to stave off the incredibly painful hunger that rips through their stomaches. Sometimes it looks like sweet little girls selling their bodies to wicked men in hopes of recieving enough money to survive one more day. Sometimes it looks like babies laying listless in cribs - two to three diaperless and together - with malnourished bellies so swollen that to pick the child up would cause excrutiating pain. Sometimes it looks like bruised and battered children being shuffled in and out of one home after another just longing for routine, security, family. That makes me pretty uncomfortable to think about and to write about, and I am sure it is uncomfortable to read.

But sometimes it also looks like the Church just sitting comfortably by, passing this inconvenience on to the government or to that crazy family "called" to orphan care. And that is just plain ugly. It doesn't get any uglier than that. Not when the Church is the very answer that God set in place for the orphan crisis.

I think we need to start feeling uncomfortable. I am backing out of my corner and opening my mouth to speak the truth this month - even if it just wrecks my heart, and sets a fire back under me.

Wrecked.

I had all of these plans for my life, and none of them involved orphan care, and then God wrecked my life and pointed me to His heart, and to His plan, and to His special babies all over this world, made in His image, who need the Church to stand in the gap and step up and out for these children.

My plans were beautifully, gloriously wrecked, and it all started with the Holy Spirit prompting me after someone made me uncomfortable in their advocating. Maybe the Holy Spirit can use me this month. It's worth breaking the silence to find out. I only have my comfort to lose, and honestly that matters so little, as that comfort is false, I have true comfort with the Comforter living inside of me.

I am still scared, but that's just a small inconvenience, and I am not going to let it stop me from speaking up again.

.What is an Orphan.

I received this email a few years ago when I first became really passionate about orphan care and adoption on my blog. I want to revisit it today, because I know there are still times when we are asked a question similar to this. I think that sometimes as Christians we argue over semantics in order to free us from feeling burdened to do something. I am going to extend grace here and believe that was not the intent of the question. I do not want to start an argument over "what is a true orphan" when there are so many children around our globe needing us to step up and fight for them rather than about them. Having said that, here is a portion of that email:

I've been confused by your referring to orphans, but then it seems they have a living mother. I'm assuming there's a culture thing I have no clue about there, so I was just wondering why they need to be in an orphanage if their parents are living.

First let me make this disclaimer; I am not a biblical scholar. I am not an expert in any field whatsoever. But God has been doing the biggest work in my life these past three years that He has done to date - outside of my salvation. I am beyond passionate about his plea in James 1:27.

Now that my eyes have been opened, I take this mandate very seriously. I take the Bible at it's word and believe that the Bible means what it says. Maybe when I get to heaven I will need to ask Jesus forgiveness for taking His mandate so literally. It is a risk I am willing to take. I am ashamed for the years that I just glanced over that verse (James 1:27) in the Bible. The whole time thinking that wasn't for me, that wasn't my calling. I thought it had nothing to do with me. I thought it was someone else's call, but now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it is mine, and it is yours - if you are a true believer. Not adoption - necessarily - don't misunderstand me. But ALL believers have been called to carry out and respond to James 1:27. As of late, I have studied that verse inside and out, as well as other passages that have to do with orphans. (I do understand that James 1:27 is more than about orphans, and I am concerned about widows and keeping oneself unstained from the world. I believe in caring for orphans and widows a person will be unstained by the world. My husband has great thoughts on this, and perhaps we will hear from him later this month.)

The following is what I have learned about orphans from God's perspective.

From my understanding of the Bible, the Bible defines an orphan in its most simplistic form as fatherless.

Strong’s Concordance suggests bereaved, fatherless, and comfortless as ideas inherent in the word “orphans” or “fatherless.”

So if an orphan is "fatherless", what does the Bible say about them....and our role with them?

Here are just some passages that talk of the fatherless/orphan. I know that I missed a few as the Bible is overflowing with these.

Hosea 14:3 Asshur shall not save us; we will not ride upon horses: neither will we say any more to the work of our hands, Ye are our gods: for in thee the fatherless findeth mercy.

Psalm 68:5 Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.

Psalm 10:14 But you do see, for you note mischief and vexation, that you may take it into your hands; to you the helpless commits himself; you have been the helper of the fatherless.

Deuteronomy 10:18 He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing.

Psalm 10:18 To do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more.

Exodus 22:24 And my wrath will burn, and I will kill you with the sword, and your wives shall become widows and your children fatherless.

Isaiah 10:1-3
Woe to those who decree iniquitous decrees,
and the writers who keep writing oppression,
to turn aside the needy from justice
and to rob the poor of my people of their right,
that widows may be their spoil,
and that they may make the fatherless their prey!
What will you do on the day of punishment,
and in the ruin that will come from afar?
To whom will you flee for help,
and where will you leave your wealth?

Malachi 3:5 Then I will draw near to you for judgment. I will be a swift witness against the sorcerers, against the adulterers, against those who swear falsely, against those who oppress the hired worker in his wages, the widow and the fatherless, against those who thrust aside the sojourner, and do not fear me, says the LORD of hosts.

Jeremiah 5:28-29 They have grown fat and sleek. They know no bounds in deeds of evil; they judge not with justice the cause of the fatherless, to make it prosper, and they do not defend the rights of the needy. Shall I not punish them for these things? declares the LORD, and shall I not avenge myself on a nation such as this?"

James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Deuteronomy 14:29 And the Levite, because he has no portion or inheritance with you, and the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow, who are within your towns, shall come and eat and be filled, that the LORD your God may bless you in all the work of your hands that you do.

Psalm 82:3 Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute.

Deuteronomy 24:17 You shall not pervert the justice due to the sojourner or to the fatherless, or take a widow’s garment in pledge.

Proverbs 23:10 Do not move an ancient landmark or enter the fields of the fatherless,

Exodus 22:22 You shall not mistreat any widow or fatherless child.

Zechariah 7:10 Do not oppress the widow, the fatherless, the sojourner, or the poor, and let none of you devise evil against another in your heart.

Jeremiah 22:3 This is what the Lord says: Do what is just and right. Rescue from the hand of the oppressor the one who has been robbed. Do no wrong or violence to the foreigner, the fatherless or the widow, and do not shed innocent blood in this place.
Job 29:12-13 Because I delivered the poor who cried for help,and the fatherless who had none to help him. The blessing of him who was about to perish came upon me, and I caused the widow’s heart to sing for joy.

Job 6:27 You would even cast lots over the fatherless, and bargain over your friend.

Ezekiel 22:7 Father and mother are treated with contempt in you; the sojourner suffers extortion in your midst; the fatherless and the widow are wronged in you.

Job 24:3 They drive away the donkey of the fatherless; they take the widow’s ox for a pledge.

Psalm 94:6 They kill the widow and the sojourner, and murder the fatherless;

Isaiah 1:23 Your princes are rebels and companions of thieves. Everyone loves a bribe and runs after gifts. They do not bring justice to the fatherless, and the widow’s cause does not come to them.

Deuteronomy 27:19 Cursed be anyone who perverts the justice due to the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow. And all the people shall say, 'Amen.

Lamentations 5:3 We have become orphans, fatherless; our mothers are like widows.

This verse seems to sum up God's heart for the fatherless:

Psalm 10:14 But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.

After reading through these passages, and I hope you take the time to do so, it seems as though the quality of one’s devotion to God is measured by how one treats the widow and the orphan.

After researching what an orphan is, according to the Bible, and then many verses that talked about them, I came to two conclusions that I believe we as believers are commanded to obey when it comes to these fatherless:

1 We are to be extremely careful that we do not mistreat them.

2 We are to find opportunities to help them. (THIS is orphan-care.)


How that plays out in your life may look and feel very differently than how it plays out in mine, but that does not excuse either one of us to ignore what God has put before us. I believe this must play a role somehow and in someway in every single believer's life.

I really, really pray and hope that you can see my heart here. I believe my heart is just a very, very watered-down and mild reflection of God's. I truly believe God's heart is for orphans. I don't write all of this to be judgmental. I am only beginning to skim the surface when it comes to understanding my role in all of this myself. I just wish someone would have written to me or shared with me about this years ago. So I am hoping someone who reads this will be in that same boat.


(DISCLAIMER: Let me clearly state that I do not believe that God loves the orphans in Ethiopia best. I have simply lost my heart in Ethiopia, but I pray for believers to lose their heart for America's fatherless and Russia's and China's etc. Let's all just do our part in orphan care, wherever it is that God leads us, and let's stop judging where God leads someone else.)

.What a Difference.

I was looking through old(er) photos, and the one below made me gasp. This was the first night that Jamesy was in our care in Ethiopia. The day is kind of a blur. We had traveled for 24 plus hours - after finding out that we would travel only 24 hours before that and packing like crazy people - gotten off of the plane, taken a shower, eaten lunch, and then were able to get Jamesy. I was functioning on pure adrenaline, and because of that I sadly do not remember many of the details. I do remember like it was yesterday, Jamesy strapped to me as I sat in the 16 passenger van and we pulled away from the Transition Home. At that moment it all sunk in, and I remember thinking that God had accomplished what He had promised.

I think this may have been his first bottle feeding (and he threw up all over me shortly after this was taken. A fear mechanism that we still battle.) Jamesy grew increasingly scared as the day progressed, and he realized he was all alone with these crazy white people who smelled and felt nothing like he was used to. In this photo it is obvious how terrified he was. His body was stiff (during our first trip, Jamesy's body was stiff the entire time we were with him. At the time I was convinced he had some pretty significant delays or health issues, but I now know that stiffness is a fear mechanism - poor baby.) Even more than his body language and the terror evident in his eyes, is how tiny he was. Jamesy was 15 months old, and those jammies were 3-6 months. I didn't realize how small he was until I look back and compare the photo to him today - almost eight months later (today he is only a few inches shorter than his three year old big brother, and they wear close to the same size clothing).

November is National Adoption Month. Of course it is significant to our family. I hesitate to share anything about it, though. Adoption truly is not for everyone. Every believer just is not equipped or capable to adopt a child into their family, but for those of you who are equipped, who do have a heart for adoption but are on the fence, if you feel the Spirit pressing in about adoption - do it. It is 100 times worth it. I get cold chills thinking about how the Spirit was convicting us for weeks/months, and how we kept putting Him off. What if we had run the other direction and said "no"? So thankful God is sovereign and convicted us to say "yes". I cannot imagine our family without any of my three children.

While there continues to be hard days and weeks, and things that we do not talk about outside of our safe home, and we battle fear and other scars left behind from his orphan status; we count it all joy. We would not choose to miss any of this for the world, and healing has happened. I believe that is apparent by the photos alone. It is nothing we have done, all the glory has and always will remain for God alone - the author and finisher of our lives, the author and finisher of adoption.

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PS Thank you for the kindness and grace you showed me on yesterday's post. I have the dearest, sweetest readers, and I thank God for you. You encouraged my heart. Last week was one of those weeks where I was convinced that I was done blogging. I was ready to throw in the towel, my skin is too thin. I wanted to hide away and never come out. I had exposed too much and lost too much in the process. But then God uses people like you to help me press on a little bit longer, and to remind me that I do not blog because of me. I blog to show that God can use someone as ordinary as me, and if that is true than He most definitely can use you. This is not about me. I hope you come here and see Jesus in me, and that I fade. More Jesus, less me. Thank you for hanging with me.