.Amazing Grace.

This is a reposting of my side of choosing Jamesy and special needs, but as I sit here I am realizing more and more how little choosing I did. Adoption was never my choice. Special needs was never my choice. A teenage boy from the streets was never my choice. But they were all God's choice - His perfect choice for me. It is amazing to think how God orchestrated that day (just like the day I met Habtamu) and all of the events that had to come together in order for me to land on that page and find my son, and the prepping He had done in my heart to get me to a point where I was ready to say yes, Lord.

---

I am inadequate to write this post. I have thought over it, prayed over it, dreamed of sharing it, and cried over it, but I still come here not knowing what to write. In writing this story of my son, I so desire for all of the glory and credit to go to my great God. I pray that His fame is renowned, and that Jim and I, and even our precious brown eyed boy, would fade into the background. We are just supporting characters in this story - the starring role was long ago reserved for my God, my Savior. For this is ultimately and completely His story, and I hold it loosely knowing who really holds the pen. I could never fully tell all that God has done to orchestrate getting Jamesy into our family. There is no way that my finite mind can begin to even comprehend, in order to tell, the supernatural way that God joined our family together through this amazing, wonderful, painful, beautiful, humbling journey of adoption.

Please know that this is only a part of Jamesy's story. This is the part that we feel led to share. The other part is reserved for Jamesy alone to share someday if he feels so led. We have very little to give him of his past, and would like to keep what we can sacred for him.

We chose this road of adoption -which was a big step for both of us a step of faith and some private, personal growth steps as well - for very unique reasons for both of us. But even after choosing this and obeying the Holy Spirit's prompting in this area of adoption and orphan care, we put our own human parameters on the kind of orphan that we thought God would choose for our family. We both felt very strongly about a boy. (I have the most tender spot in my heart for boys. I always wanted a son, and the thought of having two just excited me to no end! Not that this diminishes my love for my Cadi at all.) We also decided, without honestly much prayer, that God had a healthy infant boy for us. We knew any international adoption was risky, adoption in general is challenging and even hard, and we surely knew that God would not require more from us.

God began breaking my heart in a way that I could not fathom. He was growing me at exponential rates, like never before in my walk with Him. He was releasing us from our bondage of materialism and the American dream - a bondage we had not even known we were under. I was beginning to think that I was reaching a pivotal point in what God had to teach me through our adoption. And then God yanked the rug out from under me. I have shared this next bit in a previous blog post, but now I will add all of the details that I was not at liberty to publicly share until now.

It happened on a Thursday. It was mid afternoon, Cadi and Scotty were napping, my house was clean, we were having dinner at a friends' home and I had nothing to prepare, so I hopped on the computer and logged into AWAA's yahoo group. I scrolled through the newest messages. I saw once again someone mention the Waiting Child List. People had been mentioning it all week, praying that by the time Court reopened in Ethiopia (it closes for a month during Ethiopia's rainy season every year) the list could be cleared out. I remember thinking how great that would be, and how special those people were to be able to accept one of these children into their home. The list is full of children who have special needs - sometimes the special need is simply that the child is older and less likely to be adopted because there are very few requests for older children compared to the families requesting infants. Others of the children have varying degrees of special needs. I finally felt curious about this list. I wanted to join in praying for these children, but I needed to put faces to them. I requested the password and entered the site. Little did I know that this decision would change the course of our lives forever.

What sweet, beautiful children popped up on the screen. I slowly scrolled through them reading the little description written about each one and then quickly praying for the child and his or her forever family. That they would be united quickly, and that these children could be removed from the list. I then scrolled to the very last child. My heart kind of skipped a beat and I felt a gentle tug because the child was an infant and a boy, and then I read his description. I knew that God would never call us to that special need, though, I clearly remember thinking and feeling relief wash over me. That would be too hard, and we had already requested a healthy baby boy and were nearly done with our home study based on that request. Phew, off of the hook.

Then I opened his picture.

I do not know how to describe what happened next without sounding like a crazy person. In that moment I was living so outside my character that I am still overwhelmed and humbled with what happened next.

Immediately upon the photo popping up on my screen I burst into sobs, deep gut-wrenching, shoulder shaking, ugly sobs. Because I knew that he was my son. The only thing I can liken it to is having my newborn laid on my chest after birth, locking eyes with him, and knowing that he belonged with me. It was the exact same thing with this baby on my screen. He belonged with us! I was simultaneously filled with peace and fear. Peace, because I knew in my heart of hearts that he was indeed the child that God had ordained to be in our family. Fear because of what that meant God was asking this cowardly, shy, not confident girl to do.

He was aking me in that moment to say yes to this 7 month old baby boy that had been diagnosed as bilaterally blind and severely, chronically malnourished - the ramifications of his malnutrition and other special needs that could surface were unknown. Surely this cannot mean he is completely blind I thought. I quickly pulled up google and my heart sank as I realized that is exactly what it meant.

Really, God? A blind child? How do we do that?

I then googled the ramfications of chronic malnourishment and my stomach twisted as I learned of the severe delays and retardation it could (but not always - I tend to be a realist.) mean. I then began to fear what Jim would think and how I could possibly tell him that this boy was who God meant for us to adopt.

But my love for this boy and the knowing that he was my son was instantaneous and that overshadowed everything at the moment. Yesterday, Jim shared his side of the story. He battled it out with God, but the outcome was beautiful -obviously - look where we are today! Soon after that day, we both came to the same conclusion about this boy, we notified our agency, received his referral, and accepted it. I would love to say that it has been an easy road since then, that I was never plagued with doubts about the ramifications of our decision. That I did not stay up at night frozen with fear over the special needs that our son would carry with him. That I didn't feel scared and inadequate. But I cannot say that. There were days when Satan had a hay-day in my mind playing up every fear imaginable. There were nights where I laid in bed and tried to imagine how we were really going to do this with a blind child. I read several books on raising children with visual impairments, but they just made me fear. I pictured my son walking down the road with a walking stick. I feared not being able to learn Braille, not being adequate to homeschool him like our other children. It was a silent, private battle everyday for a long time. I was not batteling loving Jamesy, but to accept that our story was not ending exactly how we had thought was hard. To accept how the world would percieve my son was hard. He was already coming into our family different with his brown skin against our white, and now to add this.

But he was ours, and we obeyed. We obeyed scared some days, but we still obeyed.

Then special people in our life started telling us that they were praying for Jamesy's eyes. I thought that was weird at first. He's blind afterall, end of story. Surely the Jesus of the Bible would not still heal the blind. Or would He? My kind of church does not put a lot of emphasis on God's ability to heal, but God convicted my heart of stone, and I started to pray as well. I prayed that he would at least be able to make out the shapes of the faces of his family. I prayed fervently - somedays with great faith and somedays with barely any. I drilled every family about my baby, that I could from our agency, that went to the Transition Home for their court date or embassy trip. I pleaded with them to tell me about his eyes. At first it looked bleak. It seemed as if God had truly destined for us to raise a blind child. I kept reading things about how God still heals today through the power of prayer. Jim and I prayed together for Jamesy, and Cadi began to join in. Soon the reports were different.

Your son seems to be able to see light.

Your son cannot focus on my face, but he is trying too.

Your son follows shapes with his eyes.

During this time we also received news that Jamesy's eyes would shake, and that he seemed to have little control of them. I began researching this, and came to the uneducated conclusion that he has nystagmus. I very soon after found out that a very dear bloggy friend has this exact same condition. She gave me great, great hope, watched a video of Jamesy's eyes that we had received, and agreed that she thought he has nystagmus - which is NOT always blindness - as is the case for her. In the meantime, Jamesy kept gaining weight and growing as he was on nutritional rehabilitation. He was also right on track with his developmental progress - sometimes even ahead of where our other two children were at his age!

We set out for Ethiopia not knowing exactly what to expect. We found our son to certainly have some visual impairments, but we found him to NOT. BE. BLIND. Not at all. Although, at first, we were discouaraged to find that he could not seem to focus on our face or make eye contact with us. But we taught him to high five, he would catch bubbles, and grab our sunglasses - all impossible for a child with his diagnosis!

Then on our fourth day with him God gave me the amazing, unforgettable, life-changing gift of locking eyes with my son for 30 seconds as I fed him a bottle! He saw my face! He looked into my eyes and held my gaze. This all from a child who we were told would. never. see.

We will never know all that God has done in Jamesy's eyes, but we know that he has done a healing work. We know that it is not a case of him simply being misdiagnosed. When we were in Ethiopia we were told that when Jamesy was brought into the Transition Home in July he was BLIND. Then slowly over the course of the months he had been there he gained more and more sight! And those months? They coorelate exactly with the months when we prayed fervently for his healing.

Our son once was blind but now he SEES! God is still in the process of teaching me a lot through this. I will never understand this side of eternity why God is allowing me this blessing of being Jamesy's mommy. Did God allow Jamesy to be blind in order to bring him out of his orphanage and into the Transition Home? Or was it so that he would land on the Waiting Child List and be seen by us? Or was God testing us to see if we were willing to do whatever He asked? I believe the answer is yes to at least some of those, but I will never truly know until I meet my Jesus face to face. And it doesn't matter why.

We still do not know exactly what the future holds for our Jamesy, although he is far from blind, he does carry very weighty special needs with him. But those needs do not define our beautiful, amazing, created in the image of God, son. We know God is working mightily in his life, in our life, and in those who have heard his story. God has big plans for Jamesy - that much I know!

Whatever the reason, I am abundantly thankful that God has brought our sweet Jamesy into our family forever! God has changed us because of this story.

I once was lost, but now am found.
I once was blind, but now I see!

God, in His creative sovereignty used a precious, blind, brown-eyed boy to open my eyes and remove my blindness!

All praise and glory to Him. I am completely unworthy of His Amazing Grace!

Locking eyes for the first time.

.Don't Adopt.

I think people get nervous when they find out we are an adoptive family and orphan advocates. Many times I see the look in their eyes, almost immediately. The one that speaks volumes with no words being uttered. The one that is panicked and defensive.

So, you think every Christian should adopt just because you adopted?!

Um, no. No, I do not. I have never said that, and I never will say that, because I do not believe that every Christian should adopt, or is qualified to adopt. Should every Christian pray and consider whether or not adoption is how God wants them to obey the mandate to care for orphans? Maybe. Should every Christian be involved in orphan care? Adamantly Yes.

When a family is praying through and considering adoption as a ministry, they must, must, must count the cost. The family must realize exactly what they are saying yes to, and exactly how much Satan hates adoption and will try to destroy the very thing we are desperate to give our children - family.

Yes, I am unapologetically a huge adoption and orphan advocate, BUT here are five reasons why a family should choose not to adopt:

• If you are looking to adopt a child to fill your expectations and your needs and your dreams, then it would be better to bring home a puppy, rather than a human being. We do not adopt to fill a need or a void in our own heart. We do not seek out a child that meets our criteria or list of specifications - there is no such thing. That is way too much unrealistic pressure to place on a child - especially a child who comes from a hard place (i.e. any child who is eligible for adoption has come from some kind of hard place and is experiencing loss to varying degrees). There is no way that all of our expectations could ever be met, and the disappointment will be felt by the child. A child is not a commodity, and to adopt a child in order to meet our needs turns that child into such. To treat a child in this way is dangerous, sad, and wrong. This hurts the child  and the family and the adoption community. The ramifications on this child's life can be devastating. Adoption is simply not about you.

• If you are not into parenting then don't adopt. Adoption is much less about the arduous process of bringing a child into your family, then it is about the long-haul of parenting that child to adult-hood. If a couple is not ready to make the long-term commitment to parent a child, then adoption ministry is simply not the ministry to pursue. Parenting is hard, grueling, and humbling. Parenting takes dieing to self daily. If you are not prepared or willing to parent a child then adoption is simply not for you. By adopting a child you are committing your life to that child, as a believer, you are pledging to raise that child while you follow Jesus. You are choosing to parent a child who is hurting and broken and yes, that is risky. You are vowing to shape and mold a new generation for the kingdom of God. This is a marathon, one that takes perseverance, prayer, steadfastness, and longevity.

• If your marriage is not rock-solid then do not adopt. When a couple decides to adopt they are automatically placing a target on their marriage and family. I strongly believe that the moment a family chooses adoption they will be under spiritual attack. (And that is saying a lot from this Baptist-raised girl.) I have seen it though. Satan HATES adoption. Adoption is such a portrait of redemption, and Satan wants to destroy redemption. He hates that orphans are becoming sons and daughters, and if he can get a foothold and destroy what you are trying to build up, he absolutely, unequivocally will. If a husband and wife are not unified, and if their marriage is not anchored in the gospel and Jesus, then adoption should not be an option. This does not mean that it will never be an option in the future, but for now, your marriage needs to be your primary focus. Find a marriage counselor and invest yourself in a different way in orphan care and orphan prevention for the time-being. Don't bring a child into your messy marriage -make sure your marriage is healthy and vibrant, lest the stress of an adoption has the ability to crumble and destroy your marriage and your family.

• If you are feeling guilt then don't adopt. While the Bible is filled with God's mandate to care for the orphan, and adoption is a wonderful solution for a part of the orphan crises, guilt should never be what motivates us. Yes, the need is great, tragic, and sad, but guilt shouldn't motivate us - LOVE should always be our motivation. Love for Jesus and His gospel. Love for redemption. Out of the overflow of our hearts should we ever seek to adopt. Guilt will fizzle and fade. Real, unconditional love is a choice, a commitment to that child. It is not ever an emotional response as a result of guilt. Yes, the need is great, but in order for an adoption to work you cannot be motivated by guilt because of the need, we must be motivated by love for the need.

• If you do not love or desire another child, then don't adopt. Sounds simple and silly, but it truly is something to consider. Adoption brings a child into your home. If you are not ready or do not want a child then don't adopt. If you are not willing to love and care for and raise a child, then a different orphan care ministry would be best for you. If you really do not want to adopt, than you simply should not.

Yes, adoption is remarkable and beautiful and glorious. It is life-changing. I am passionate about adoption. I will always be passionate about it. Adoption is at the heart of the gospel. Placing orphans inside of thriving families and eradicating their orphan status is exhilarating, and one of the most amazingly beautiful AND hard journeys I have ever been on. However, the blessing of adoption is truly not for every family. Because with the beautiful comes wreckage, heartache, brokenness, ugliness, and hurt. It is a life time commitment. A commitment that cannot be jumped into lightly - a family must step in with eyes wide open and a surety that this is the ministry that God is calling them to. If adoption is not the ministry God is calling you into, that is okay. There are so many other ways to care for the orphan, and God is just as pleased and glorified in those ways.

Yes, yes, yes, we need Christians to stand up and adopt and foster and bring children into our homes. We need to reflect the gospel in this way. However, not every Christian is willing, ready, or able to take on the immense brokenness that comes with adoption. Not every Christian should adopt.

.Wrecked.

I have allowed myself to be backed into a corner and silenced for awhile. Sure I continue to tell our story, and light brush strokes of our Ethiopian sons' stories, and I doubt that will end. Because everyone likes to hear stories of hope. But the advocating and truth telling has been muffled for a while now.

I got scared.

You see as a recovering people-pleaser, advocating for orphans makes me not so pleasing. But as I have been praying through this month, which is focused on adoption and orphan care, I feel the Spirit prodding me to break the silence and to be bold with the resources I have - one of which is social media. Social media gives me a voice - even if that voice is trembling. Truth be told, I am far from brave; every time I hit publish on these consecutive posts about orphan care, my stomach lurches a bit and I wince anticipating the blows that may come. And in a small way, I do get it. This is not pleasant. Orphan care is not pretty. The devastating need and plight of many of the orphans in our world today is uncomfortable to look at.

However, if I am being honest in how I advocate for these children, and paint a real, accurate photo, well, sometimes it's just plain ugly. Sometimes it looks like teenage boys laying on cold cement, huddled together eager for some comfort of warmth, huffing glue to stave off the incredibly painful hunger that rips through their stomaches. Sometimes it looks like sweet little girls selling their bodies to wicked men in hopes of recieving enough money to survive one more day. Sometimes it looks like babies laying listless in cribs - two to three diaperless and together - with malnourished bellies so swollen that to pick the child up would cause excrutiating pain. Sometimes it looks like bruised and battered children being shuffled in and out of one home after another just longing for routine, security, family. That makes me pretty uncomfortable to think about and to write about, and I am sure it is uncomfortable to read.

But sometimes it also looks like the Church just sitting comfortably by, passing this inconvenience on to the government or to that crazy family "called" to orphan care. And that is just plain ugly. It doesn't get any uglier than that. Not when the Church is the very answer that God set in place for the orphan crisis.

I think we need to start feeling uncomfortable. I am backing out of my corner and opening my mouth to speak the truth this month - even if it just wrecks my heart, and sets a fire back under me.

Wrecked.

I had all of these plans for my life, and none of them involved orphan care, and then God wrecked my life and pointed me to His heart, and to His plan, and to His special babies all over this world, made in His image, who need the Church to stand in the gap and step up and out for these children.

My plans were beautifully, gloriously wrecked, and it all started with the Holy Spirit prompting me after someone made me uncomfortable in their advocating. Maybe the Holy Spirit can use me this month. It's worth breaking the silence to find out. I only have my comfort to lose, and honestly that matters so little, as that comfort is false, I have true comfort with the Comforter living inside of me.

I am still scared, but that's just a small inconvenience, and I am not going to let it stop me from speaking up again.

.The Least of These.

[repost from after my first trip to Ethiopia, Africa in 2011.]


I did not know my eyes could see that way. They burned and throbbed in the seeing for real. I blinked hard at the pain of having the scales fall away and the view that was before me. My mind swirled with the statistics. Statistics that I have been clinging to for nine months, statistics propelling me forward inching me closer and closer to Ethiopia. Flesh and blood and hallow eyes, and empty hands reaching through the van windows desperate for food. They both destroyed and gave life to all of the numbers bouncing in my head.

When did we in America - when did I replace living, breathing children, and people with numbers? Or did we never replace them, were they always figures to us? Is that how we manage to wash our dishes, kiss our children's foreheads, drive to the grocery store without a thought for the least of these? It must be what I did.

It took ten days of having my heart trampled and bruised from witnessing things that keep me up at night and unable to know when and how to tell others what I saw with my new eyes. It took ten days of finally understanding the least of these, and knowing that they are the most valuable in the eyes of the One who gave His life for them. It took ten days of agony as my eyes were pried open to the horror and the beauty mingled in human form not arbitrary numbers.

And now, now I am wondering how to be here. How do I tidy and pretty my home when I now know that I saw children living in trash heaps, surviving on sidewalks parallel dirty, busy roads? How do I tuck my children into bed at night remembering the beautiful faces of the children in the orphanages who sleep two to a bed, bunked in a tiny, cold room - locked in until morning. There is no Dad , no Mom to tuck them in, not even an adult in the room to calm a nightmare. They were just numbers to me before I met them, and now I lay down at night on my pillow and I hear their cries of terror, their pleas for love and something so simple as family. I remember their hurts.

What am I doing here? What am I doing for the least of these?

I remember the little boy in the denim jacket. The way he looked at me as I handed him some treats from my bag. His smile warming me as he clutched the treasures. Those eyes locked mine, and through the language barrier, I knew what they begged.

Are you the one I have been waiting for? Are you the one to end this nightmare and make me a son once again?

And now I live with the knowing that I am not the one - at least not for him. I was chosen for other boys. But the images of he and his friends are sewn into my heart, my mind. I won't forget what I saw, what I know. I promised them that I would tell others, that I would advocate for them. I don't know how though. I fall short. I cannot let these little souls be lost in the overwhelming numbers, and yet I am not the One who opens the eyes and softens the heart.

Perhaps that is one of the hardest lessons I have yet to learn - figuring out what to do with the knowing.

Because one day I will stand before Jesus....

I doubt He will ask me how many times I dusted my home, or if my children were dressed in GAP, or even did I homeschool?

He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left. “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Matthew 25:33-40


No, I can't save the world, but I can clothe, feed, and give a home to some and tell them of the One who came to save the world. Because when I looked statistics in the eye, all of my excuses escaped.

.Disgusted.

I received an email on Monday:

There is an orphanage in Haiti that is involved in human trafficking, organ harvesting, starvation and abuse of the children it houses. Children's Hope Chest is trying to get it shut down. They need signatures for a petition to CNN to expose the atrocities going on in the orphanage because they just learned that the government officials they were working with are part of the corruption. So far there are 40 children that are missing and 75 more that are at risk. Your blog is influential on the behalf of orphans. Please help CHC get the word out.

I spent some time praying over whether this was something God was having me advocate for, and whether or not it is legitimate. I have researched and researched, and I am disgusted to say that I believe this is true. Children in Haiti, like yours, like mine, are basically being stolen, they are being starved, are abused in horrific ways, and then on top of that their little organs are being harvested and sold for a profit. This world is disgusting. The name of the orphanage? "The Son of God Orphanage". If that doesn't make my blood boil....

We, as believers, can do something. We are told, in the Bible, to speak up for those who have no voice, to fight for the rights of widows and orphans - the poor, the needy. (Proverbs 31:8, Isaiah 1:17) I believe, because I am a follower of Jesus, if I know about this and choose to turn my head, than I am just as corrupt as those people working in that orphanage. The only choice I can make is to share what I have learned, do my part, and get on my knees on behalf of these precious children.

And there is something tangible that we can all do. There is a petition being signed that will be presented to CNN, in order to ask them to cover the story, so that this orphanage can be shut down. All I am asking is that you go here and read, and if you feel so led, please sign.

Then pray for these children, for their families, for the corrupt men and women involved - they need Jesus and His gospel - that is the only real solution. And if the Spirit lays it on your heart, please share this on your blog, on facebook, tweet it, tell your family and your friends. Tom Davis, author of Fields of the Fatherless, created this petition. He is looking for 10,000 signatures and has a little over 8,000 now.

A note from Children's HopeChest's Chief Operating Officer, Bob Mudd: "I have been intimately involved with the efforts to support this orphanage and while we do not approach our efforts in this manner typically, we are simply out of options. The claims in the note are well vetted and supported with evidence and is only the tip of the iceberg. If additional questions or if you have contacts in major media or government that can be helpful, call me on cell at 719-440-7917."

These children were created in the image of God. They are no different than my children, except they have no advocate.

(source)

Will you be their advocate?

Wouldn't you want at least that for your children?


Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows. Isaiah 1: 17b

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