.In the Pursuit.

I first published this post over a year ago, and after some events yesterday - a really, really hard day, I came here defeated, discouraged, and battle-worn. The Spirit led me to this post, and reminded me of just how relentlessly I am being pursued. I realized that we are still very much right here in the pursuit with our oldest. I needed to read these words again. Perhaps you do as well. HE is pursuing YOU.
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In the middle of these vivid, beautiful autumn days, it is hard to write. Not because there is nothing to write, or because time is stretched paper thin; for both of those are true. It's just raw here. I wrestle with the words that should go down on the screen and the ones that should stay tightly locked inside my Mommy's heart. Some of this seems so sacred, too sacred to expose.

I have known twice now what it is to fight for a child. I have known the pain and fear that can consume nights as my mind would wonder over the safety of children - children that my heart birthed the moment my eyes met theirs. My fingers have signed hundreds of papers and filled out checks that totalled more than my husband makes in an entire year. I have conquered fears and stepped on an airplane to fly over the ocean {shiver} not once, but six times for these children. I have this passion that burns and smolders inside of me because of this fight. A passion that at times causes more trouble, in my human mind, than it is worth; for the first time in my life I am trying to learn when to hold my tongue and when to speak. Because I feel like for the first time in my life, I actually have something to say. I have battled red tape and cried rivers of wet, searing tears through road blocks, begging God to break down the chains that kept my children from a family. I have watched God peel layers off of my heart, my eyes, and my life. I have painfully endured broken friendships because of choices God led us to make for these children. At the same time I have been blessed with new friendships that could have only grown out of this fight for my children. I have prayed in a way that I have never prayed before, and I have stood in the middle of a move of God. I do not recognize the girl in the mirror anymore, because after three years of battling for the lives of these children, I look less like a girl and more like the battle-worn woman that I now am. And while it is worth it - a million times over worth it, I am still learning how to fit inside this new skin.

And the battle is not over.

After all of the battling to get these boys into our home, I am now fighting for their hearts. In the middle of this vivid, beautiful autumn, I am specifically fighting for the heart of my big boy. Perhaps I was naive, and didn't realize that the real battle was not in getting my boy here, but it was actually in battling for him to know down deep in those broken, hurt pieces of his heart that he is ours. Forever. There is nothing easy about loving a child who has known no love. There is nothing easy about sharing the value and worth that Jesus places on all of us with a child who has been told he was worthless his entire life. There is nothing easy in dieing to my  feelings everyday in order to teach a child how to accept being loved and cherished inside of a family. It is scary and messy and the outcome is unknown.

It is humbling and knocks my pride flat on its face, because by all human standards, I am under-equipped to love him in this way that his heart so desperately needs. There can be no off days here - there is never time to hit the snooze button in this battle - it is a relentless, desperate, all-in, vicious pursuit of his heart. A pursuit that I am just too weak for. I am powerless. Except I am not because of the cross and Jesus. God uses the weak, the powerless, the imperfect, the fearful, the worthless and inadequate - He uses me - and as He indwells me His love through me becomes perfectly equipped to be the exact love that my big boy needs.

Every morning as I drag my exhausted body out of bed, long before the sun ever lights the sky, and tie on my proverbial running shoes, I begin another day of chasing - chasing this boy and his heart. It's uphill and hard, and I am sweaty and tired. It's consuming and messy. The chase is anything but choreographed and rhythmic. It is a limb-flailing, red-faced, panting, spitting, all-out energy zapping, sweat soaking kind of chasing. But something strange is happening in this chasing, I am getting a tiny window view of the chase that is happening for my own heart. I see the relentless pursuit of Jesus to win my heart - my whole heart - even those ugly, broken parts.

As I chase and flail after this boy born of my heart, and as my hot breath reaches his neck and my arms squeeze around his pounding, fearful chest, I, too, feel the hot breath of my Savior on my neck, I feel His arms wrap around all of my fears.

 I feel His pursuit every time I pursue.

My big boy and I  - we are both being pursued. And the pursuit is hot, hard, and beautiful. In this pursuit I am learning to love and to be loved. There is something beautiful in this chase - in being pursued and in pursuing. It's not a beauty that is neat and tidy and easy and comfortable. It is a beauty that is being unwrapped little by little, a beauty that is painfully awakened in the faithful, excruciating pursuit. A pursuit that may take years - a marathon of tearing down those lies, the hurt, the abandonment, the ugly deceit and bitterness that is walled around his heart, and the chase is made possible only from His perfect love inside of me as He chases me down.

The best Love in the world was given through the shedding of blood. The best Love took a toll on the body. The best Love gave up its life.

The best Love pursues and pursues, and pursues, and because Someone is chasing me every moment of everyday in order to win the battle over my heart, I, too, battle on and chase the heart of my big boy. Someday I believe his heart will succumb to the pursuit, and so will mine.

*Photo courtesy of Red Ballooon Photography.

.5 Little Ways to Connect With your Teen Right Now.

Years ago this used to be a typical mommy blog with photos and recipes and cute little anecdotes about my children. But then it morphed as I morphed into something not altogether different, but different enough that it began to take a new shape, and is now not at all a typical mommy blog. Throughout the changes in my life, which are mirrored here in this little space, I have not lost my passion for being a mom. It is something that I absolutely love. I love it so much, that God has had to do a big work in my heart to show me ways where I was loving it a little too much. There were times when I was wrapping my identity in this parenting gig, and where my tight hold on my children could be considered control. I have had to surrender, and allow God to painfully show me areas where I have tried to increase my role in my kids life and be God for them instead of Mommy. That has been a hard lesson to learn, because I fiercely love these four babies given to me. I desire so much for their lives. But so does God, and He loves them perfectly, and infinitely more and better than I ever could. So while there are things that I have had to release in parenting, there are other things that still remain. One big thing is intentionality.

I simply cannot mother well without being intentional about it. I strive for that, and I miss the mark often allowing exhaustion, frustration, and my own humanness to get in the way. But it is something I pray for and work towards with Jesus working in me. Since becoming a mom to a teenager, I have learned that the intentionality with him has to be kicked up a notch more than even with my littles. I have to make a conscious, daily effort to connect with him in meaningful ways. Teens are a completely different breed than babies, toddlers, and school-aged kiddos. Most of them won't just plop in our lap spilling the content of their day, life, and heart freely out for us. We have to work for that - we have to be intentional. It takes hard work and thought to connect with these kids on the brink of adulthood and the great big world open to them. Relationship building isn't easy, and it is sometimes messy, but it is so necessary. Even though our teens are growing up, maturing, and stretching their wings, they still need us in so many ways. Our job is not finished yet.

I am admittedly new at this, and some of you may have already successfully navigated the teen years with your child. You are a goldmine for us in the trenches, and I would love to hear from you in the comments. But for right now, in my 18 short months of being a mom to a teenager, this is what is working for me.

5 Little Ways to Connect With your Teen Right Now:

1. Say I Love You (and mean it) every single day. When our children are adorable little, chubby babies, it is easy to smother them with hugs, kisses, and multiple daily doses of I love yous. But as they grow and change into a teenager who sometimes snarks, who stands taller than you, and makes you reevaluate everything you thought you knew about parenting, the daily affection and the words I love you may come slower. But I think they are still needed. I believe that this is one of the most beautiful messages that we can give our teens every day, before we send them out the door into a world that sometimes isn't pretty. Let them know that they are loved, cherished, and valuable to their family, to this world, and to God who lovingly placed that value onto them. Before school send them out with an I love you, write it on their facebook wall, send it to them in a text, put a note on his bed or in her lunch, and before you hang up the phone say I love you. Don't miss an opportunity to be intentional about saying these important words. They will make a difference, and they will be noticed.

2. Take time to listen before bed. For some reason I have found that those moments when my son has crawled into bed and is ready for sleep becomes the best time for him to talk. Perhaps it is simply his ploy to stay up a few minutes later, but regardless I will snatch onto them! This time has become invaluable for our relationship, but it takes real intentionality on my part. Sitting on his bed at 10 or 11:00 at night and listening well to his heart, is a little different than sitting on my daughter's bed at 7:00 at night. I am usually exhausted and ready to crawl into my own bed, but those moments of time have become sweet and well-worth the effort. Teens, just like adults, want someone who will listen to them, hear what they are saying, and value their words. If they do not find that in us, they will find it someone else. I am also learning to quiet my own voice during this time and let him talk. Sometimes that is really all he wants - not my opinions, my preaching, my remedies, just my empathy and listening ear.

3. Use Social Media as a Tool to Connect. We live in a day and age that is driven by technology. While we have boundaries set up in our home, and with our teen, we have chosen not to altogether escape it. So instead, I use it to build our relationship. I follow and friend my son wherever he is on social media (I think this is just plain good practice anyway), and I intentionally interact with him in those places. If you are friends with my son on facebook, you will see that his timeline is filled up with his mama. And I am okay with that (and he is too). My teen also happens to be a words of affirmation kid. He craves this and it is one of the ways he feels the most loved, which works well for me in that my best tool is writing. But even if you are not a writer, touching base throughout the day over social media can be a very easy and powerful tool to building your relationship with your teen. It doesn't all have to be serious either, Habi and I have a lot of fun teasing each other on instagram. And that brings me to my next point....

4. Have FUN together. I love having a teenager, because life is just more fun. My littles are amazing and silly, but the humor is so much different with a teen. We laugh and tease one another and have inside jokes with each other, and it all builds into the relationship.We go on coffee dates together or find something to play together. All families are different, and of course, your family will have to set the tone and decide what kind of teasing is appropriate. Perhaps what we find fun, you may find disrespectful and visa versa. Do what works for you, and find the balance that you need, but don't neglect the richness of laughter, joking and having fun with your teen. Maximize those moments and allow spontaneous fun to happen in your home.

5. Focus on the Positive. I know that raising a teen can be so stressful and hard. Believe me I have solidarity with you in yearning to reach my child's heart and see him mature and grow into a beautiful adult. I know that there are many days where I focus so much on the changes and maturing that needs to occur, but when I step back and look at the whole of my son, I can see some incredible positives. Affirm those positives in your teen - even the little ones. Positive affirmation and calling out the great character traits in our teens is huge and will make a big difference in our relationship. Let compliments generously roll off your tongue - look for ways to build your child up. With my boy, when I can do this in front of people, he just beams and swells with appreciation. So I take every opportunity to loudly recognize the positives that I see in him.

These are just a few simple ways that I am connecting with my teen right now. I am sure that there are countless other ways that I may not yet practice. I would love to interact with you in the comments about what works for you. This is definitely not a exhaustive list, but one that may get us started in being intentional with our teens.