I stood under the shower head and as the hot water beat down my back, hot tears beat down my cheeks. Both swirled down the drain cleansing me inside and out. A sob escaped me, and I was thankful for the sound of the water and the bathroom vent to muffle the noise from anyone who may be lurking outside the door.
It was something silly and simple that I said, and then he replied back. And now it happened weeks ago, so the details are fuzzy. But in that little exchange between us, it became so apparent, once again, how much he does not trust me, and how much I desire for him to. Right now his trust is superficial, because he has never been given a reason to really trust.
He's never learned that even though trust is a scary thing to give away - it's worth it.
He doesn't know how to relinquish that control he needed to clutch in order to survive so many years alone.
He hasn't opened his heart enough to fully let us in and know us.
He doesn't understand that we are his refuge, and we are in this for life.
He doesn't yet feel protected or safe. Safety is so foreign to him.
But I am longing and praying for the day that he feels safe enough to trust us.
There are layers of fear from years of agony embedded deep into his heart. They have to be removed and replaced with trust, and it will take time, patience and love on our part. I just wish we could fast forward to that point now and save him any more heartache.
As my salty tears mingled with the water from the shower and my heart broke for the heart of my son, I could almost hear my Heavenly Father asking many of these same questions of me.
Beloved daughter, when will you learn that trusting Me is worth it - even when it is scary? When will you really relinquish control and follow Me with your whole heart and life? That's right, Tiffany, give it all to me - release your grip, loosen those fingers & open your palm to Me. You don't fully trust Me, because you have not taken the time to fully know Me. Seek Me. Find Me. Know Me. Tiffany, I am right here. I have been chasing you. Just stop. Turn around. And know me. Daughter, I am your refuge. I am your safety, your rescuer, your protection. I am your haven. My love doesn't stop. I gave you My life. You are safe in my arms. Just trust Me. Trust Me. When will you trust Me?
And just like that I realize that my heart, at times, is just as orphaned as the heart of my beloved son. We both have a lot of layers to peel off of our hearts. We are both being pursued and loved and beckoned to release control and trust. We both have so much to learn about trust.
I long for the day when he will give us his trust. In the meantime, I am learning how much God desires the same from me. As delighted and filled with joy as I will no doubt be every single time that my son takes a wobbly step toward leaning on us - trusting us - how much more delighted is my Savior when I fall into His arms, relax, and understand just how safe I really am.
Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:10