.What to do if your Husband is {NOT} fulfilling His Role.

We decided to kick this series off by answering a tough question from one of my sweet readers. The thoughts that I am about to share are just my thoughts, my opinions. I have been careful to filter them through the Word of God, but that is something each individual must also do for his or her self. I am not equipped to hold the answer - only God is. I just pray this may be an encouragement to some and a starting place for the woman who asked the question. Please give me grace.

What do you do when you know that your husband is NOT fulfilling his role. And won't. Flat out refuses. I mean, he works and provides for us, but spiritually? He has cut God out of his life, won't allow Him back in. If I was submissive to him and let him make decisions, not only would he be cutting out things that SHOULD be a priority in our life (i.e. seeing my family, which is 4000+ miles away) in order to get things to make him happy (snow machine, season football tickets for a team 2000 miles away)... he would file for divorce so he can live "his" way and not have to worry about or provide for me or our baby due in September..he could be the selfish person he wants to be, and he could date the short blondes he likes so much better than me. He hasn't always been this way, but has been for most of our marriage (which is pretty new!)... I'm trying hard to be a good wife, especially in the biblical sense, but I'm frustrated because I feel like if I follow his lead, and am submissive to him, it's going to end in disaster. I feel like either way I'm failing. And he tells me I'm failing every day. That I should be submissive, but when I'm submissive I feel like I need to be standing up to his ridiculousness! He said I don't make him want to be a good guy...if I was someone else, I would, but he looks at me every day and knows he could do so much better.
For the record, I'm not trying to get out of this, I just want to know if anyone has any advice for how to be a good Christian wife, while somehow snapping their husband out of their crazy attitude. Obviously prayer is a big thing here! Believe me, I've got that one covered ;)

Oh, this is hard. I have mulled this over and over in my mind and prayed for guidance as to how to respond to this. I write this hesitantly and humbly. (I am writing all of this believing that no abuse is happening in your home, but if abuse is happening. Please, please seek help.) One thing that jumped out to me when I read the above was

If I was submissive to him and let him make decisions, not only would he be cutting out things that SHOULD be a priority in our life (i.e. seeing my family, which is 4000+ miles away) in order to get things to make him happy.

I don't know all of the circumstances of this marriage, and I cannot pretend to. However, I do know that the Bible tells us that when a couple is married they are to "leave and cleave or unite".

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Genesis 2:24

It is absolutely vital for a marriage that the husband and wife leave (both physically and emotionally) their first family and form their own new family when they are married. I am going to be honest and say this has probably been the hardest thing for me in my marriage. But it is so important for a healthy, biblically-centered marriage. Because I have married my husband, I am now choosing to believe that his wishes and his desires are more important than even those of my parents. This new family that was created from the marriage union must be a higher priority than the old families. I know this is hard, and I know that it hurts and doesn't seem right that your husband does not want to see your family or parents, but right now it is so vital that you work on leaving your old family and cleaving to your husband and the new family you are creating. Even if it doesn't always make sense to your heart, and even if it means right now you cannot go visit them.

When we marry, we are to enter into it with until death do us part tattooed on our hearts. There is no escape route, no plan B, a marriage is to be forever. I believe that is Biblical. We are in this for the long haul. God demands submission from biblically sound wives, and He demands godly leadership from biblically sound husbands. However, if a wife is not being submissive that does not give a husband the permission to not lead, and if a husband is not leading that does not give a wife permission to not submit. Our roles and God-given demands are not contingent on our partner's behavior. I know this is hard, but your husband may never change. I pray that he does, and I believe that God can change him and desires for your marriage to be a beautiful reflection of His love. But that might not be what happens. Yes, pray for your husband to change and to step into his role - even gently talk to Him without nagging. But I think that you must understand that truly he may never change and choose to not focus on these shortcomings of his. Rather choose to love him, to encourage him, and even to delight in him - of course all the while praying that God does changes his heart.

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives. I Peter 3:1

I think another vital piece is allowing our husbands to lead. I touched on this in prior posts. Sometimes we just have to get out of the way and allow our husband to lead even if we see that he is headed in a way that doesn't make the most sense. (If he is leading his family in something that is in direct disobedience to the Bible then seek guidance from outside help.) Encourage him in any and every decision that is positive for your family - big or small. Let him see that you are his biggest cheerleader and that you trust him. It is completely okay to share your personal opinions - gracefully, gently - without nagging or manipulation. Be open and honest and then let it go. Don't question his decisions once they are made. Yes, our husbands might fail, yes they may make terrible decisions at times, but we are still told to let them lead. Biblical Sarah was a wonderful example of this. You can read her account in Genesis 12:10-20 and Genesis 20:1-18. She allowed her husband to lead - even though his idea was terrible, and I believe God blessed her for that.

I know this post may not be easy to swallow. I know this is not how any woman would dream her marriage to be. Marriage is a covenant with God and our spouse. It is serious and binding. Marriage makes a couple one flesh, and we must act that way. We must guard our hearts from bitterness towards our husbands and disrespect even if he is not obeying his God-given role.

I believe that God wants to bless this marriage, and I pray that He turns it around and sets it on fire for Him.

What are your thoughts? To read my husband's thoughts on this topic go to his blog here.

If you have a question about marriage that you would like answered in future posts please ask in the comment section below or email me at amomentcherished(at)gmail(dot)com.