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Thursday, February 3, 2011

.Darkness will Become Like Morning.

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The tears pooled in my eyes hot and threatening yesterday as I read the facebook status of an adopting friend. She was saying that she spoke to our in-country coordinator and it looked as if MOWA letters would not be in place for court dates on Tuesday. Our second court date is scheduled for Tuesday.

I am ashamed to admit that that little bit of news made me come undone.

Every morning I have been purposing in my heart to find joy in this moment, to reflect on the amazing time we had in Ethiopia getting to know our son, and to live fully intentional with these last moments with just two children in our home. But I allowed my circumstances to steal my joy yesterday, and to overtake me.

It was a dark day. It was a hard day. It was most likely my hardest parenting day to date. I failed as a mommy. I failed as a wife. I don't like to fail. It is a big fear of mine, a big weakness in my life. I would rather not try, rather give up, or not do something, than to come up short - than to fail. It is easier for me to walk away and throw in the towel than to know that although I tried, I wasn't good enough, and I have failed. But I cannot walk away from this - from life. So fail is exactly what I did yesterday.

Before I laid my weary head on my pillow last night grace came crashing over me warm and sweet. Words of grace and truth were spoken into my frantic, despairing heart by one who knows and understands this pain, but ultimately she pointed me right back to the only One who fully comprehends this hurt. I went to bed with my heart beating out the truth gifted to me - the truth that God is the author and finisher of our adoption. How easily I forget that truth, as having Jamesy home seems illusive right now. The words that had washed over me and balmed the scalding hurt of the day collided and tumbled round and round my thoughts, and the truth was brought to light.

In living out pure religion - an uncontaminated religion - by adopting an orphan and making him our son simply because that is the exact example God set before us in adopting us (simply because it is the gospel message), of course the enemy is going to target our family. The closer we get to finalizing this adoption, to completely eradicating Jamesy's status as an orphan, the more desperate the enemy becomes. We, in our conservative Baptist churches and culture, are terrified to give Satan too much credit, too much power. However, I think the Scriptures are very clear Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. (I Peter 5:8) Of course Satan will attack a family who is fighting to make an orphan a son, who is longing to place him into a family who loves God and will raise that son in a godly environment. God is revealed in adoption, and the enemy cannot stand that. The easiest foothold that Satan can get is our family structure deceiving us into turning against one another.

I fell fast and hard for the bait of discouragement and self-pity yesterday, and then this morning when my fears were confirmed in an email from our agency. It is true, we will not pass court on Tuesday, and we need to wait to hear when our third court date will be. However, because of my adoption by God through His Son, I am a member of God's family. For in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith. (Galations 3:26) Even though Satan means to destroy our family before this adoption can be completed, we are fighting back. Because when the enemy attacks us, he is attacking members of God's own family, and God will prevail. God will win this battle (He has already won the war!) in His perfect timing, and in a way that only points the glory and the recognition back to Himself.

God is fighting for us. He knows our pain. He is enduring it, and knows all about both the heart breaking moments and the beautiful moments in adoption. After all He has experienced them when He eradicated my status as an orphan and made me His child.

This moment that flows and ebbs in all its emotions is a sacred gift. A gift that I need to open myself up to, not cower in a corner curled away from His goodness. I must accept and rejoice and thank Him in the humbling recognition that I was chosen for this.

As my world seems to right for the moment, my heart beat slows and thuds out a rhythm that rings and pounds in my soul - darkness will become like morning.

Morning

Morning

Morning

Though the tears still threaten, He draws me to the truth once more, gently, graciously with all the tenderness of a Father. Whispering words into my ear - hot and sweet - He cups me with His grace and mercy - undeserved and umerited by my failing, faltering self, and I close my eyes and bask in the knowledge of the sacred gift being offered to me again - this journey. With timid, trembling movements I open my hands to receive the sacred gift - knowing that darkness will become like morning.

Then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety. (Job 11:15-18)

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7 comments:

Micha said...

Praying for you at this difficult time. *hugs*. Gods plan will be revealed to you, in time, so hang in there.

mosey said...

praying for you...

THANK you for sharing your heart so honestly and REAL, you are a powerful witness to God's plan of adoption, both of your son but also of you into HIS family.

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear that what you feared was confirmed. I will keep praying that you will hear good news soon, and that today was a better day!
Lots of love,
JO

Shari said...

We're praying for you guys. I have had many hard fights with Satan through the years. There were years where it felt like the only time Daniel got sick was through the night Sat to Sun and he and I would stay home from church. I remember one Saturday night when I stood by Daniel's bed listening to him cough and finding he had a high fever. At that moment I didn't care how many of my children I woke up but Satan was going to know he wasn't winning this time. I told him right then and there that we were ALL going to church in the morning. The great thing is that as children of God we ALWAYS win in the end. Praying you will endure and stand strong until the day you win this battle and bring Jamesy home. Oh yeah, and we did all go to church the next morning, cough and fever free. :-)

~Debra said...

Praying for you all!

BARBIE said...

Lifting up prayers for you during this time.

Jackie said...

I cry every time I read your blog. I'm sitting in a cafe right now, trying not to draw too much attention to myself, but I can't hold back the tears! You are so honest in your struggles, and yet so uplifting! I am so encouraged by what you are allowing the Lord to do in your life. The Lord has really used you in my life, and I hope that some day soon, my husband and I will begin our adoption journey - to Ethiopia! Be encouraged that you have rescued not only one, but the Lord has used you to prod me along the same path! I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.

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