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Sunday, January 16, 2011

.The Night Before.

It is the night before we get on a plane headed to our brown eyed boy in Ethiopia. We left our children, family, and church family behind this morning after a sweet send off and prayer. I am glad that God does not give us glimpses into our future. Back when we were praying over adoption and questioning whether this indeed was the journey God had for our family, it is a very good thing that I did not know how difficult today would be. I can easily say that saying goodbye to my tear-stained daughter and looking into the confused eyes of my son, was the hardest thing I have ever done to date. I cannot find the words to describe it.

The weight of the goodbye hung over me for much of the four plus hour ride to the city. Although the fellowship and conversation with the friends who drove us was sweet, encouraging, and even helpful for what lies ahead of us as we bring a brown baby boy into our white family and community. The friendships and relationships that God has orchestrated during this journey to Jamesy have been something that I never expected. He has carried us each step of this journey using special people along the way. There are so many people personally invested in Jamesy now, and it just brings me to my knees. We are loved. Our son is loved, before he is even known.

Tomorrow we step on the plane. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our life. The excitement and expectation is starting to take over. The greatest tragedy in all of this will be if I come back from my son's home country unchanged. I am ready to change and to have my heart shattered in a way that only Jesus can. Although I am apprehensive to what this means, I desperately want it. After all of these months of prayers, tears, paperwork, uncertainty, and prepartion for this very moment -it is finally here.

Here I am God, send me. Use me. Change me.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him. Psalm 28:7
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