.So not in the Mood.

I woke up in a mood this morning. I thought maybe it was because yesterday we spent the day at camp, and I made 22 dozen cinnamon buns. I was tired and hadn't been feeling well, and I really dislike when our schedule gets thrown off. Especially when it gets thrown off smack dab in the middle of the week. So I had catch-up to do this morning - yesterday's laundry, tidying, and the normal morning stuff. Plus Jim had to leave for work extra early, so that meant no hot breakfast and consequently no coffee either. So that alone could put me in a bad mood, but that wasn't it either. I just couldn't put my finger on the bear inside of me. I was so not in the mood to get dressed this morning, or dress my children, or even do school with Cadi. We actually ended up starting pretty late today.

It took me all morning to figure out that what I really was and am so not in the mood to do is to turn thirty tomorrow. It may seem ridiculous to some, but I have seriously been dreading this birthday since I was sixteen. And I really cannot tell you why. I just don't want to do it. I don't want to admit to anyone that I am no longer a twenty something. And it has little to do with vanity, although the crows feet are a little disturbing. It is not because I am afraid of dieing really either. Although the thought isn't all that pleasant, mostly the dieing process, however, I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will spend eternity in heaven. It's not that I thought my life would be better or different either. I feel so blessed with my life. I love staying at home with my children. I {mostly} love cleaning my home. (Okay, okay, I confess I do not love washing my windows. It is the one thing that I do very poorly at. I actually have not washed any of my windows since the first snow when we made snowflakes and taped them all over the windows. Was that a month ago?!) I love cooking and grocery shopping. I love schooling Cadi, watching every milestone and being a very big part in her education. I love the snuggles and giggles with my little Prescott. I still cannot believe that I am a mommy to both a girl and a boy! I feel very privileged to be Jim's wife and a mommy to his children. I have no regrets with our decision to prioritize family and the knowledge that my primary ministry is at home and in the home while my children are here with us is freeing not restraining. I am not afraid to put my family and their needs first before anyone else on this earth, and I {mostly} do not care what other people think about that or say about that.

I think the struggle is all internal. Maybe I thought I would be more confident. Although Jim and I have recently talked about how I am much more comfortable in my own skin than I was even a few years back. Maybe I thought I would be more social by now, but I have come to accept that that is just not me. I am gifted in other areas, and I was never meant to be a "social butterfly". Maybe I thought I would be wiser, prettier, thinner, godlier, more gracious, more loving. Maybe I thought I would have a book published by now, but have found a different outlet in blogging and journaling and a new passion in photography. I really don't know what the big deal is with turning thirty. Maybe it's just the number.

I tend to be {mostly} upbeat and positive with my blog. I want to live my life this way. I have so much to be thankful for, and I do not like to major on the minors. I cannot stand grumbling and complaining in others, so I try not to be hypocritical and grumble and complain myself. But I have also learned over the years that people identify with and long for authenticity, so here it is from me. It's not always easy for me to be transparent. I do not like others to see the flaws or the raw version of Tiffany. I like to edit. I edit my photography before presenting it much like I edit myself. But having said all that I am sitting here exposed and letting you know that my true, authentic self is so not in the mood to turn thirty tomorrow.