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Thursday, November 12, 2009

.So not in the Mood.

I woke up in a mood this morning. I thought maybe it was because yesterday we spent the day at camp, and I made 22 dozen cinnamon buns. I was tired and hadn't been feeling well, and I really dislike when our schedule gets thrown off. Especially when it gets thrown off smack dab in the middle of the week. So I had catch-up to do this morning - yesterday's laundry, tidying, and the normal morning stuff. Plus Jim had to leave for work extra early, so that meant no hot breakfast and consequently no coffee either. So that alone could put me in a bad mood, but that wasn't it either. I just couldn't put my finger on the bear inside of me. I was so not in the mood to get dressed this morning, or dress my children, or even do school with Cadi. We actually ended up starting pretty late today.

It took me all morning to figure out that what I really was and am so not in the mood to do is to turn thirty tomorrow. It may seem ridiculous to some, but I have seriously been dreading this birthday since I was sixteen. And I really cannot tell you why. I just don't want to do it. I don't want to admit to anyone that I am no longer a twenty something. And it has little to do with vanity, although the crows feet are a little disturbing. It is not because I am afraid of dieing really either. Although the thought isn't all that pleasant, mostly the dieing process, however, I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will spend eternity in heaven. It's not that I thought my life would be better or different either. I feel so blessed with my life. I love staying at home with my children. I {mostly} love cleaning my home. (Okay, okay, I confess I do not love washing my windows. It is the one thing that I do very poorly at. I actually have not washed any of my windows since the first snow when we made snowflakes and taped them all over the windows. Was that a month ago?!) I love cooking and grocery shopping. I love schooling Cadi, watching every milestone and being a very big part in her education. I love the snuggles and giggles with my little Prescott. I still cannot believe that I am a mommy to both a girl and a boy! I feel very privileged to be Jim's wife and a mommy to his children. I have no regrets with our decision to prioritize family and the knowledge that my primary ministry is at home and in the home while my children are here with us is freeing not restraining. I am not afraid to put my family and their needs first before anyone else on this earth, and I {mostly} do not care what other people think about that or say about that.

I think the struggle is all internal. Maybe I thought I would be more confident. Although Jim and I have recently talked about how I am much more comfortable in my own skin than I was even a few years back. Maybe I thought I would be more social by now, but I have come to accept that that is just not me. I am gifted in other areas, and I was never meant to be a "social butterfly". Maybe I thought I would be wiser, prettier, thinner, godlier, more gracious, more loving. Maybe I thought I would have a book published by now, but have found a different outlet in blogging and journaling and a new passion in photography. I really don't know what the big deal is with turning thirty. Maybe it's just the number.

I tend to be {mostly} upbeat and positive with my blog. I want to live my life this way. I have so much to be thankful for, and I do not like to major on the minors. I cannot stand grumbling and complaining in others, so I try not to be hypocritical and grumble and complain myself. But I have also learned over the years that people identify with and long for authenticity, so here it is from me. It's not always easy for me to be transparent. I do not like others to see the flaws or the raw version of Tiffany. I like to edit. I edit my photography before presenting it much like I edit myself. But having said all that I am sitting here exposed and letting you know that my true, authentic self is so not in the mood to turn thirty tomorrow.

9 comments:

Sara said...

I'm not sure if anyone is really in the mood to grow another year older. Growing up is a strange process and even though we are already adults we are still growing. I think that it can be hard to get older and realize that very slowly and yet quickly we are watching the gift of life slowly fade. While we look forward to heaven it's hard for us to imagine anything more wonderful than the blessings we have on this earth.

And as you already know that ultimately it comes down to trusting that God will continue to work through us, will continue to grow us, will continue to challenge us as we get 1 more year older.

You may not be in the mood today to turn 30 but maybe when tomorrow comes and you reflect on all the good and wonderful blessings God has given you in the past 30yrs you'll be able to dream about the blessings that are yet to come with ageing. And then maybe you won't. But I know one thing for sure you'll grab a hold of your savior and toss whatever insecurities you may be feeling at his feet and you'll continue to trust him.

Thanks for being so real :) You are greatly loved :)

Liz @ Sugarplum Creations said...

Wow. I could definitely have written this myself. I will be 30 next June, and there is just something about that number that makes me nervous. I can't pinpoint it, and it's not for any of the reasons that you mentioned above either. I am truly so blessed to be able to do exactly what I know I was called to do. Yet, there is something about waving good-bye to my twenties that is terrifying.

Happy Birthday, Tiffany. You are not alone. Wishes for many more blessings to come in the next year!

Tiffany Walensky said...

I really relate to this post. I just turned 28 and am already dreading reaching 30. I don't think it will be as bad as we think though. So hope it goes well, and happy birthday!

Carrie said...

Awww...I know how you feel! Thirty IS just a number, but it seems like such a BIG number when we're approaching it...I am amazed that I already have plenty of gray hair (and I'm 'only' 28)! I was in a super grouchy mood yesterday, too, and I know just what you mean about the whole schedule being thrown off thing...not looking forward to the unscheduled chaos a baby adds to the mix. :) I hope you have a good birthday, today, though!!!

Gina said...

Happy Birthday! I always thought I'd dread the big 3-0 but I think I'm okay with it. (my big day is still a couple months away though) I've just come to realize that 30 is a fabulous age. When I was younger I thought it sounded so old...now I think my parents are still young and they are 50. I just like who I am now and the confidence that comes with age & experience. (not that i consider myself confident but I've come a long way) Anyway, thanks for sharing...I really think that we have a lot in common!

Melinda said...

30 was a hard birthday for me too! My husband (who is 2 years younger than me) laughed when I told him of my struggles with turning 30. But that was 2 years ago and so far my 30's have been awesome! I can't believe I was dreading all these wonderful blessings I've received in the past few years!! Hoping you have a wonderful 30th birthday and praying the best is yet to come!!

brandy said...

Hope you have an amazing Birthday! There's nothing wrong with being transparent!!! We all feel this way! :-) Hope you have a very blessed Birthday!

The Mangerchine's said...

Happy Birthday Tiffany! I'll be turning 30 next year, and am dreading it... my husband tells me that I'm foolish, but it just sounds like starting a whole new chapter in my life. I've let go of most of my expectations for where I'd thought I'd be by then, and I LOVE my life now, but 30 still sounds daunting!

I really enjoy the upbeat err to your blog, and this aunthenticism just makes it all the better! Thanks for sharing!

Shannon

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